As he faced us in the on-board State Room, the docent told us that that the President had just asked.
President Reagan, before he died in 2004, simply asked the government for the plane.
The plane he’d flown around the world on when he was president. The plane, that when a president boards, it becomes Air Force One. The plane that had, at the time, been decommissioned and was sitting in a warehouse. It was agreed that if his Presidential Library in Simi Valley, CA built an indoor hangar to display the aircraft, then he could have it.
All because he asked. I guess being the president of the United States for 8 years taught him a couple things, one of which is the power of a request.
Last week I had a conversation with my husband.
“Why don’t you just ask HER?” Chad suggests.
“Because I’m sure she wouldn’t have time to help ME, and by the way, I’m not even sure she does that for people.” I answer.
He thinks for a minute and challenges me. “You say that you aren’t afraid of rejection, Sarah.”
[Using my first name in a conversation with my husband is a sure attention getter.]
“So what would it hurt to just ASK?” He continues. “I think you should.” And he leaves me to churn it deep inside, whisk it around in my brain over the next few days. So I think. And question myself.
But then a few days ago I wrote the email and hit send. And guess what? She said YES.
Even if she hadn’t, practicing the art of it-doesn’t-hurt-to-ask lately has been completely freeing for me. In my unofficial but intentional self-experiment to attempt to get over the fear of asking people for help I’ve been faced with at least one “no”, one “yes” and one I’ll-get-back-to-you-later. Not bad, I think.
Why are we so afraid to ask? We are afraid of someone saying “no.” That’s it.
OOhhh, a big, bad NO.
What’s the big deal? I’m going to suggest to you that it truly does not hurt to ask.
If you do ask, this is what I’ve learned from the last few weeks of asking.
- Don’t Ask the Impossible. Ask for something within the person’s skill set or ability. For example, I wouldn’t ask my sister to babysit on a Tuesday at 1 pm if she works until 3. She’ll have to say “no.” And don’t ask for the moon. If you know your mother would agree to watching the kids for the whole weekend, but you also know that she is getting over a cold and is exhausted, use compassion. Don’t prey on her good graces for a positive solution to your problem.
- Be Specific. Make sure you explain the extent of what you need so that the person will have all the information they need to make a decision. Example: “I’d love to have coffee with you sometime. I’m free on Friday or Saturday. Would you have any free time either of those days.”
- Grow Up. If someone does need to say “no” to you, then get over it. Most of the time it isn’t personal. It’s usually that they are unable to help. And then be gracious. Don’t use it as a reason for bitterness or as a reason to say NO to them in the future. How third grade! Example: If you ask someone to contribute to a cause that you believe in and they decline, it is probably because they cannot for financial reasons.
- Take NO as an Answer. Expect honesty from someone. If they say “no” to you then it means “no”. Don’t ask again. Don’t be persistent because if you do, you become annoying. Ask once and then let it rest.
- Return the Favor. If you are asking someone to sacrifice time or money, know that they might ask you for help in the future. This kind of stuff is a give-and-take economy. Pay-it-forward to others, but also pay it back, if needed, to the person who helped you. Example: My writer’s group sends around manuscripts occasionally for the rest of us to offer critique on. I participate in this (even though it takes time) because not only do I love them very much, they’ve helped me in the past.
- Ask Within Relationship. Probably not a great idea to ask someone you’ve never had a conversation with to pick you up from the airport when you fly into town. Some people might say yes to something like that. But you shouldn’t count on it. People are more apt to agree to help others that they have some form of relationship with.
So maybe you aren’t asking for entire airplane. Maybe you aren’t even asking for much. But ask.
Just ask. The only thing a “no” will hurt is your pride.
Are you an “asker” or not? Do you take risks in asking people for help?
Personally, I hate to ask for help.
this is SO hard for me, but i know i need to get better at it. i find it so difficult to ask for help that asking someone to pray for me is a struggle! that shouldn’t be!
for me, i don’t think it’s the “no” i fear as much as being an inconvenience. i hate the thought of being a burden, or putting someone out in any way. i’ve also had enough passive-aggressive people in my life say “yes” but then act all put out or hold it against me, which makes it hard for me to trust that “yes” really means “yes” when i hear it from others. i can’t help but still wonder if i’m burdening them in some way, even if they haven’t expressed that.
it’s tiresome. i want to be able to take people at their word. i want to trust that if they say they don’t mind, then… maybe they really don’t mind. any pointers for me on this aspect of it? i could use all the help i can get!
(and you should know i had to look up “docent”!)
me too, alece. i had to look ‘docent’ up too: )
i know. thats difficult when the person we have to ask can’t say NO when they mean NO. I hate that too.
I think I’m like you, Alece — I don’t want to be an inconvenience on anyone. I’m not worried about the “no” – I’m worried that someone will day “yes” even when they shouldn’t and then be bitter because I’m such a burden.
They funny thing is, it’s easier for me to ask for something big like an airplane, than something small like a ride home from school for my kiddos. I guess that’s because with an airplane, you’re not really expecting a yes. It becomes harder when you NEED the yes.
ps – I knew what docent meant, only because my mom was one at the Bush Library.
I do ask but not often. I am a “get er done” kind of gal who just prefers to make things happen. I don’t know if that is necessarily healthy or not, but it’s just me.
I’m kind of the one who people ask.
It is very hard to ask for help…but it is so nice to receive it when you are in need. I personally rather seek for people who need help, and I get totally blessed!
i don’t mind asking for help. i don’t love it, but i’ll do it….the big one for me lately is asking forgiveness~for what seems to be the ‘unforgivable,’ according to man~not to God, but to man.
and? i’ve gotten not answer.
so, i wait.
i agree, sarah. it’s hard to ask.
It’s hard for me to ask. . .my Dad used to say, “All you have to do is ask. . .the worst I can say is no.” It seems such an easy concept, I’m not sure why I’ve always had a hard time putting it into practice. Maybe I’ll try to step out of my comfort zone and ask on occasion.
I think sometimes, more than being rejected, i’m afraid of inconveniencing someone. but i don’t mind going out of my way for others when i’m able. why is it hard to ask for help or a favor? love you sarah!
i agree. i sometimes make the decision for the person before i even ask. Like “she’ll say no so why even ask her”. That’s totally taking away her ability to say yes or no.
sigh.
i also hate inconveniencing someone too.
Great thoughts, Sarah. I will readily ask for help when it comes to learning something new. Whether it’s something I want to master in my professional life, or a new hobby that I want to experiment with, it doesn’t bother me at all to ask for help.
But if it’s asking for someone to help me with workload, putting something together, or watching my child….I really struggle with that. I’m sure I’d hear “yes” more than I think.
i’m not an asker. i hate to impose, to be a burden. i’m afraid of rejection. but i like being asked. because then i can please. and earn the right to ask if i ever absolutely need to.
please ask, friend. you know you can ask me right?? =)
I LOVE this post! I used to take someone’s “no” so personal that I just stopped asking for anything. God has really been working on my heart about this.
oh no! you can’t stop =)
i agree though. once you get enough NOs it’s hard to go back to asking.
I think it’s a strength, not a weakness to ask for help … I have a friend who is a master at this – I always think: “wow, that takes guts” – and I love that about her – she’s bold, but she is always respectful and never makes you feel bad if you have to say No … my husband just “asked” a few days ago for a friend of mine – he went out of his way and comfort zone to ask some people he knows and some people he’s never met, to chip in to help a struggling friend … it was beautiful and humbling and I wish there were more people who would do that, afraid or not
Ohhh who doesn’t hate rejection. But sometimes no’s are good for us. I think in part for me it is not wanting to take advantage of a relationship, especially if it is someone you only “know” over the web. Earlier this year I asked someone if they would mind if I interviewed her for for a blog I was going to be writing. She was extremely gracious even though she wasn’t able to as she extremely busy with writing, speaking, & was preparing to head to Haiti. She gave me permission to use some excerpts from some articles she’d written on the subject.
i agree. sometimes NOs are good. it’s hard to think about it that way, though, huh?
i know — just ask right? most people if they can’t will say “no thank you” in a nice way.
I find it easier to ask for help from a stranger than from someone I know. In my former career of journalism, I asked for “help” on a daily basis from experts, eyewitnesses, etc. It was business-like, nothing personal.
But if I ask for help from a friend? That can strike right at the heart. For one thing, here in the Midwest, people are much more reserved which (I find) tends to lead to passive-aggressiveness. So many people will say, “Of course!” to your face and smile sweetly and then complain about it to their husband for the next three weeks. Who needs that?
Plus, I also know my own abilities in the give-and-take economy, and I have very little freedom. I don’t ask for help unless I know I could someday return that favor. For example, I loathe watching other people’s kids, so I never ask for a friend to watch mine. But I can share carpooling duties, so asking for a favor in that area seems more reasonable.
I really hate asking for help. I think I have some fear of rejection, but I also think that for me, it will show that I am weak and can’t handle it on my own. It’s prideful and God has brought me far in that area, but it’s still there sometimes.
Also, I have a hard time “making my requests known to God” and think that I shouldn’t ask Him for my desires. What He has shown me is that He knows them all full well, so why be afraid to ask? And if I am seeking His will, He probably put those desires there in the first place:)
Great challenge Sarah!
I have a hard time asking because I don’t like to impose on anybody. I don’t want to be a bother or inconvenience them in any way. So most of the time, I don’t ask. Even if I do need the help.
This message was so timely for me today, Sarah! I would LOVE to believe that I am an asker, but after serious consideration I realize that I am not. I don’t ask. I think about asking, think of all the reasons I should NOT ask, think of all the reasons that I should be or probably will be told no if I do ask, and then I move on in frustration. Up until this very moment, I did not realize that I even do that! I need to ponder this some more and pray about how to become better at this asking thing!
I’m usually an asker…as a result, I am also a giver. For example, I love pictures and have no fear of asking someone to take a picture of me and my loved one(s). In return, I usually notice when one person in a group is left out of a picture to be the photographer, and I offer to take one for them.
It never hurts to ask, but you added some great boundaries.
Loved this… It made me smile, very nicely put together too! I think my favorite tip is #2 – Be Specific! So true… I have to remember to always be specific and not assume people will figure it out. Thanks for sharing!
~Bomi
I had a professor who used to tell us to “ask the ridiculous questions.” I still hear him saying this when I hesitate to ask.
I don’t really like to ask. It feels like I’m normally the one being asked, I suppose. I know in a past relationship I almost always assumed what the answer would be. ‘Oh I can’t ask her that, she’ll say no.’ or ‘There’s no way she would do that for me.’ etc. Maybe I need to be more of a ‘asker.’
I’ve recently stepped out of the boat and asked a bold question of someone in a forgiveness situation. I basically received a “yes” but with hesitation. What do you do with that? I know how to react to a yes. I know how to heal from a no. But how do you react to a “yes” with a hesitation or a “yes” with conditions. That’s what I fear. When the decision is put back on you again…
This is timely, and therapeutic for me, as I’m on the other end in a situation right now. I’m the one being asked for something that I don’t think is quite fair, and instead of dragging it out and asking for ‘pity’ from others, which, inevitibly would lead to gossiping, I will just say no, and be done with it.
Thank you for the gentle nudging, whether it was meant or not.
I certainly don’t take the risks of asking for help the way I should. I too am usually pleasantly surprised when i do ask for help, help with the kids or something else. People are more willing than we think sometimes.
I agree, we should also keep in mind that even if the answer is “no” that’s not a rejection of us but maybe a reason we don’t know about.
Oh I rarely ask for help. But, I agree with take NO for an answer. I hate it when I say “no” and I’m continually pestered about why, why not, are you sure…? Argh! Often I relent and do whatever it is anyhow. So frustrating.
Oh, and being specific is wonderful, too. You really, really need to do this with men.
I’ve had some communication issues recently with my husband, and I know it boils down to the two of us not being specific with what we need.