Can’t See Beauty in the Mirror
I see beauty all around me.
I find it in painted sunset skies and majestic mountains. I recognize it in the joy-filled eyes of the poor. I discover it in the authentic sharing of hearts.
I see beauty all around me. But I can’t see it in the mirror.
My self-image—that picture inside my heart of how I view myself—has long been distorted from a lifetime of feeling not enough. No matter how hard I try, being good/smart/funny/pretty enough has always felt far beyond my reach.
Looking back over the past two years, I can see, as if in slow motion, how that belief was reinforced even more.
My husband’s 18-month affair with my friend shouted that I wasn’t desirable enough. When he left me after nine years of marriage, I heard that I’m worth leaving more than I’m worth fighting for. And when he told me on his way out that he didn’t love me and probably never did, it reiterated that I’m not valuable enough to be loved.
The fragile remains of that picture in my heart loudly shattered into a million pieces.
I am not enough.
Slowly God has been restoring my heart and, with it, the picture I have of myself.
I know He wants me to see myself as beautiful, but the reality is, it remains a daily struggle for me. Like Haiti in the aftermath of her earthquake, all I see in my reflection is the broken, messy, ugly devastation of my life. And I can’t help but question how there can be beauty in all this rubble.
God responds by lovingly and gently showing me.
As I hear from people who’ve found hope and strength from hearing my story, I get glimpses of the ways He’s making life out of my brokenness.
But I know God doesn’t only want me to see the beauty in how He’s using me. He wants me to see the beauty that’s in me.
If I’m being most honest, that part is probably going to take a while. Possibly a very long while.
I know a healthy self-image will come solely from staring long and hard into Jesus’ face. I catch my true reflection only when I see myself in His eyes.
It’s there I see that I am enough because He is enough.
It’s there I see that I am desired, valued, and fought for.
It’s there I see that He recklessly loves the beautiful mess that is me.
Alece Ronzino (aka Grit and Glory) blogs about her heart, her ministry, and her 18 month journey through the aftermath of learning about her husband’s affair with raw honesty. She is currently living in the States but will return to her home in South Africa to head up the ministry she founded and leads, Thrive Africa. Thrive disciples and equips believers and leaders in South Africa through AIDS prevention, pastoral development, youth camps and missions trips. Visit Alece at her blog, visit Thrive, and browse at the Thrive Shop. You can also give to Thrive Africa by clicking here. Follow Alece on Twitter.
Alece your post was so honest and I encourage you dear sister that as you run to your Lord that there you will find comfort. Almost the same identical thing happened to me five years ago. I was left in shatters. God became my safe hiding place. HE was ONE that I could trust. I so understand what you write about. Because of the devastating rejection and the mind games and lies I too believed for years that I was ugly, worthless, etc. I felt old and rejected. God gave me an incredible Christian counsellor who for several years helped me deal with all that I faced. The Lord did a work of restoration in my heart. He made beauty from ashes in my life. I too feel that any beauty that is seen in me is a reflection my Saviour.
Today may He wrap His arms around you, comforting, protecting and preserving you. Once before I read on your blog and was so amazed by your story. I didn’t know what to say tho b/c your story cut too close to the bone in my own heart. Today tho I thought that I wanted to encourage you in your journey. God is in the business of restoring hearts and He seems to be doing an amazing work in your life. Continue on dear sister…… He who began a good work in you will see it through to completion.
Blessings,
Stephanie
i understand about having no words when reading a story that so closely matches your own… i’m grateful that you chose to say something today though. thank you.
i so want to experience the Lord as my safe hiding place. i feel like i’ve experienced that with a few friends, but i long to know God in that way. to feel Him so close, so safe, that i can sob on the bathroom floor with Him. thank you for praying for that for me.
There is no doubt in my mind that He won’t relent until you know how safe you are. He will woo you, pursue you, invite you until know how intimately and deeply you are loved. He hears the cry of your heart. It touches Him in a deep place. I see Him coming for you…. I really do.
i love all your reminders that He is coming for me. thank you, julie!
[...] Click here to read the rest of my post on Sarah’s site. [...]
Wow, do I know how she feels. I too went throught the same thing but, with a little add on. My ex husband left me when I was pregnant with our 3rd child. I have been going back and forth on whether I should tell my story on my blog but, I haven’t done this yet. I do have some info about it on my very first post (long post). Keep praying & believing, it will get easier & better eventually. I am now happily married to the most loving husband for almost 6 yrs now & I am finally in a “real marriage”. I believe God most definetly knew what he was doing with my & my childrens lives. God Bless.
Lauri
i hate that you can relate to this, lauri.
you’ll know when (if) it’s time to share your story on your blog. it was definitely a process for me to get to that point as well. i know that when you do start sharing, you will find even more healing coming to places in you that you didn’t even realize still needed it.
i was so glad to hear how God restored and redeemed all of this in your wonderful, strong new marriage. that gives me hope.
Oh Alece,
I have read your story.
I have cried about your situation.
I have told others to read your story.
And no one leaves reading your blog without feeling moved, touched, inspired.
And although I know all of that is encouraging, uplifting, pleasant and all that . . .
I know it too
is
not
enough.
I don’t know exactly how you rediscover that shattered sense of self.
I don’t know.
But I suspect it comes in waves and bits and in daily, hourly, eyes turned to grace and mercy. A sense of our sin before a holy God and a sense of His forgiveness and sacrifice on our behalf.
A quiet, gentle hope
that is fleeting
but somehow
present.
Hazak! Keep fighting.
well said, lacey.
wow, lacey. thank you for your beautiful words!
“A quiet, gentle hope that is fleeting but somehow present.” i love that. and i crave that so deeply.
i gotta be honest. i had to google “hazak!” but i’m so glad i did. “be strong!” my spirit needed to hear that this morning.
alece~i have to be honest in saying that it’s difficult for me to read your story, as it’s similar to mine…….only different.
it pains me and maybe that’s a good thing.
i wish i could change it for you. fix it.
you encourage me. your willingness to be used by Him during the darkness is amazing. authenticity is something people long for. you are authentic in sharing yourself so freely with others. i believe you are making a difference for the kingdom.
so, thank you.
i’ve said it before and it continues to be true….i’m still praying.
i know only a bit of your story, nikkie, but what i know leaves me so grateful (and amazed) that you’ve reached out to me like you have. thank you immensely for that. and thank you for your faithfulness to pray for me.
I’m so sorry for the pain you are living with and the way that affects you.
I do not understand what you are going through and cannot imagine what it must feel like – but this post helps me get a glimpse into your emotional trauma – which I’m glad for so I can be more understanding to others in my world that go through similar experiences. (of course, I’m not so naive as to think it could never happen to me)
janet, i’m glad you feel like you’d be better able to reach out to others who’ve walked a similar road. that will feel like a beautiful gift to them whenever that time comes.
What a beautiful and honest post. Thanks for sharing – I’ve really been enjoying this week’s posts!
i’ve enjoyed this week’s posts, too, becca! it’s been really good for me to hear so many others’ perspectives of (and battles with) beauty.
“He recklessly loves the beautiful mess that is me.”–love that and I’m right there with you wanting and catching glimpses of Him seeing me like He actually sees me, but it’s often few and far between for me. I wish you could see the ways myself and those around you see you because you are so beautiful…
thank you, katy. you’ve been such an encouragement to me throughout this past year. i’m grateful you’re in my life.
“He recklessly loves the beautiful mess that is me.”-love that quote; and thank you for sharing your heart. I cannot relate to the trauma of the divorce, and affair; but understand otherwise about never enough. Thank you for sharing your authentic heart and may the Lord encourage you and sending you hugs.
i know the “not enough” ache is felt by so many, probably even the ones i’m so wrongly comparing myself to…
thank you for your sweet comment, shannon.
“But I know God doesn’t only want me to see the beauty in how He’s using me. He wants me to see the beauty that’s in me.”
This sentence was a spear this morning.. I needed it so badly.
FF I love you and you know that undoubtably.. I hope anyways.. But also my sweet friend..
You’ve always always encouraged me to seek and be inspired in what God sees..(beauty from the aftermath”) thank you.
feirce friend, you’ve been such an anchor for me through this whole journey. your unwavering commitment to intercede for me means more than i’ll ever be able to express. love you, heidi!
‘I know a healthy self-image will come solely from staring long and hard into Jesus’ face. I catch my true reflection only when I see myself in His eyes.’
I need to hear that on repeat until the record breaks.
And all I can say in response to this raw, real post is: I love you and I am praying for you.
i need to hear that on repeat too. until the dam wall of my heart breaks. (maybe i should say the “damn wall” of my heart!)
i’m so grateful for your love and prayers, little grey.
Your words here make me think of the scene in Chronicles of Narnia when Spring comes to Narnia. The dam of ice breaks, the water begins to flow, sunshine and warmth return. I believe that Spring is coming to your Narnia… I really do.
Beautiful words! God is so proud when we can lift Him up in praise after moving through something horrific. And because of your hands are held high to Him, He has filled you with a gift of words to share with others. So keep it up.
mmmmm…. thank you, tracy. i am so grateful for the many friends who have held my hands up through this battle.
…I wasn’t desirable enough
…I’m worth leaving more than I’m worth fighting for
…I’m not valuable enough to be loved
I face those same fears & doubts. I’m sorry that they were reinforced in your life because of the actions of someone we traditionally expect to dispell them.
I haven’t gone through a divorce or affair, but I have had those same fears (lies) enforced in my mind through betrayal by those closest to me. I’m currently walking through a season where God is attempting to teach me that all of my worth needs to come from Him. It’s been a hard lesson for me to learn. I’m rebelling against it because I still want to have earthly, tangable proof that I’m valuable.
Praying for you as you walk through your own story with God. It’s not a choose-your-own-adventure — because who would choose this — but knowing that God’s ultimately in control helps to get through the muck and mire.
any kind of betrayal by those close to us hurts so deeply. i hate how it reinforces those fears and insecurities in us.
i totally hear you on still wanting “earthly, tangible proof” of our worth and value. it’s a constant struggle for me to seek that (and find it) in the Lord.
thank you for praying for me, melissa. that means a lot.
thank you for your amazing honesty… i am praying for the GOD of all creation to show who you are IN HIM.
amen!
You are so brave, open, honest, and incredible!
sigh… thanks, anna!
I’m sure I’ve said this before, Alece, but I think you’re beautiful! So cute, so perky! But more importantly than what I see when I look at photos of you, is what I see – and feel – when I read your inspiring words. I’m so sorry for the things you’ve gone through, and I honestly believe you couldn’t have deserved this. But you’re using it in such a productive way, becoming God’s hands and feet, and that is definitely the most beautiful thing!
i think sometimes all i can cling to is that desire for God to make something beautiful out of my brokenness.
Oh Alece. I love how honest and raw you are! It is always beautiful in its vulnerability. I tried and tried yesterday afternoon to find a picture of a mirror, any broken or blurry mirror forthis post but I couldn’t do it. Your wordS speak for themselves without any picture. Thank you so much for honoring me by posting here today. Your words and your heart are amazing. So proud to call you friend.
i feel humbled and honored to share on your site, sarah. thank you.
but mostly… thank you for your beautiful friendship.
You are beautiful friend. Inside and out. As with these other ladies my heart breaks with yours. God IS restoring you, rebuilding you. In the six months or so I’ve been reading your blog and following you on Twitter I’ve seen that restoration taking place. You are beautiful, worthy, and valuable. Loves & hugs.
it can be so hard to see progress in the midst of my journey. it’s encouraging to hear that you’ve seen it over the past months. thank you, friend…
Alece, Alece… your beauty astounds me. Inside and out. Your smile, through it all, even through the braces!, shines forth beauty. You are full of beauty, in every way, friend. I pray God lifts the betrayal-fog and allows you to see what He sees, what we see. Much love…
i loved that mental image of Him lifting the “betrayal-fog” — thank you for that! (can you see my big, braces smile?!)
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… I’ve heard that phrase many times throughout my life. I’m beginning to see how true it is. What we see in ourselves is often not the beauty that truly dwells there. It’s easier for me to see where I am lacking than where beauty lies.
Woman was created in the midst of beauty. Eve was created in the Garden. As women we bear the heart of God differently than man. One of those attributes that we bear is beauty. It’s no wonder that we are attacked there. The evil one wants to mar the beauty of God in us. So he comes and uses the actions of others to distort truth. If he can get us to believe we are lacking, not enough, unwanted, rejected then maybe we won’t bear the beauty imprinted in our souls. At least that has been my discovery. I believed I was not enough and too much all at the same time.
But God has come….. What I know about Him is that He longs to whisper to us the truth of how beautiful we are to Him. He waits with longing to reveal who we really are. If we can just trust Him… That’s been the key that has opened the doors for me. I had to trust Him to overcome ME!
Beautiful post as usual, Alece!
it always boils down to trust for me, too, julie. i love how you said that: “I had to trust Him to overcome ME!” that’s exactly what i need!
thank you for sharing so openly about something that so many people seem to deal with.
i truly hope that you will learn to see just how beautiful you are: outwardly and inwardly. you are a treasure.
thank you, friend. i am so grateful for all your loving encouragement. always.
My heart broke as I read your post (and honestly for not the first time, I wanted to wail on the person who could do such an awful thing to such a wonderful person – but I digress). As always this post so beautifully raw and honest. You are such an incredibly strong woman of God. It takes such courage to be this open and vulnerable and I admire you so much for that courage. You have received a lot of encouragement in the comments so far. I will add to them by saying that I think that God is using the rubble to reveal the beauty that has laid hidden for way too long. The true essence of who you are is shining out in all of your posts and the beauty is shining through stronger every day that you choose to keep moving forward. You continue to inspire, encourage and motivate me to do life so differently that I had been doing it. So thank you for that. You are always in my prayers and in my heart. Sending you lots of hugs and lots of love from the Carolinas ~ Makeda
Amen!
i’m so thankful for our newfound friendship, makeda! you have been such a source of life and love to me over the past few weeks.
“You continue to inspire, encourage and motivate me to do life so differently that I had been doing it.” that is seriously one of the best compliments i could ever receive. thank you!
beauty for ashes. =]
thank you for sharing your heart.
oooops…wait…i had pressed submit before i finished the comment. it was supposed to say:
beauty for ashes. =]
thank you for sharing your heart.
i wrote a similar post last year and i just wanted to share this thought with you to encourage you.
“He will never DEFINE you because of your imperfections ….His power is made perfect in your weakness” – [here’s the link if you’d like to read more http://bit.ly/9m6Beb
i’m gonna head over there and read it, patricia. thank you!
*sigh* I love you so much, Frass. And all I’ve seen through this whole process with you is beauty. Even as you’ve struggled and hurt and felt you weren’t strong… I’ve seen the resilience in you that you couldn’t see in yourself. I want you to know I see in you what He sees, and I’ll believe in your strength and your beauty when you don’t.
I believe you will see it yourself someday.
Because I’ve learned that you can’t fix what isn’t broken. Sometimes we have to be broken apart before we can be put back together properly. How you have seen yourself wasn’t proper, but how you are piecing your life back together will be.
You will see the beauty I see in you. Your strength and your worth. And until then, I’ll believe for you.
believing for me… man, i am so grateful. thank you for being the wonderful friend that you are. i love you, fritz!
YOU’RE COMING TO MY HOUSE SOON!!!
eeeeeeeee!
i agree with you. and by the way, gitz, YOU’ve affected me this week. your posts… amazing.
thank you.
and I will be believing for alece too.
again, i wish we could all live on one big street somewhere where we could all bring each other casseroles and have taco tuesdays or something.
sigh.
mmmmmm… taco tuesdays…
Wow, Sarah… thanks for that. This physical change in appearance has literally been torture for me every day. Even as the deformity has gotten better, I’m struggling so much with the weight and the realization this isn’t going to be a quick process of my body adjusting. And as hard as it is to face it, I’m just so exhausted by it at the same time. I know my vision won’t change overnight, but I really do trust Him with all of my heart. So I’m trusting that in time He’ll CHANGE my heart.
If you weren’t doing all this this week, I’m not sure I would’ve stopped long enough to realize how much I was fighting trying to change. I owe you. And I’ve totally stopped swearing at you.
[Got your email 
]
Oh, and I think it would literally kill me to move, but you’re more than welcome in Iowa! Although I’m pretty fun, I do feel I must disclose that I’m not worth leaving a beach for…
Love it! Thank you Sarah for having these guest posts…
I am a huge fan of both Alece and Ashleigh…
Thank you!!
Blessings,
C
i love that sarah did this series and how she did this series.
Thank you Alece for your honesty. Like you I am a South African Christian solider fighting the battle of my marriage coming under attack.
God is enthralled with your beauty, the Holy Bible tells us this Psalm 45:11
The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for He is your Lord. (NIV) so Alece know that as God is sovereign and knitted you in your mothers womb – He knew all before we did including the trial of marriage. He loves your beauty from the inside and the outside. How encouraging to rest in the beauty of His creation.
May I pose this question, I understand you have this calling from God for ministry and by no means do I undermine this as we each have our own calling and our own relationship with our Father, our Teacher, our Saviour. Have you asked God if you are to stand for your marriage, the marriage of ministry? It is more evident in todays world that satan is attacking marriages as this is a fast method of attacking family and ultimately society.
I am not advertising Restore marriage ministries, just like Sarah Markley’s blog I have found this a very useful tool during difficult trials. I do feel your pain and I respect your choices and by no means expect a response as this is between you and God… I just felt lead to write this if not for your benefit perhaps for someone else’s. Wishing you Gods peace, strength, wisdom and guidance.
thank you, jessica. that verse that says “the King is enthralled by her beauty” is so… beautiful. it’s hard for me to really hear it in the depths of my heart, but i want to.
my divorce is still not final, and i know God is big and strong enough to work a redemptive miracle even in my marriage. but to be honest, it isn’t something i’m actively seeking/trusting Him for anymore. i have not sought this path out — i’m not the one who filed for divorce, wanting right from the beginning for reconciliation. but right now, my heart is at a place of not being able to hope for that on top of everything else. it feels too much most days just to hope for my personal restoration and for that of our ministry (which has suffered greatly as a result of all of this). i pray for my husband’s heart to turn back to the Lord, but i no longer pray for his heart to turn back towards to me.
i know we all have different journeys and many women may have held out in faith for that longer than i have. but… that is the most honest response i can give about where i am at.
Hi Alece
Your strength and testimony is encouraging including your humbling nature in continuing to pray for your husband’s heart to turn back to the Lord, the Holy Bible tells us that the Lord will continue to go after His lost sheep. Jesus knows your heart and your desires. Your honesty is admirable and may you continue to seek His will for you. Thank you for sharing.
Praying for your ministry and Gods guidance, peace, strength, wisdom and provision for you. He knows the plans He has for you (Jer 29:11).
thank you!
* sorry that should read Rejoice marriage ministries. typo as it is standing for marriage restoration in this fallen world.
It is all about focussing on Christ isn’t it; Getting a glimpse, a deeper realization of who He is, and who we are in Him.
“Its there that I see He recklessly loves the beautiful mess that is me.” Thank you for sharing this Alece. How I need this to penetrate my heart. Piercing.
I love the analogy that my pastor so often uses. As I was (and continue) to struggle through my past, my pastor keeps calling us broken clay pots. As we lay in shattered pieces on the floor, God begins to carefully fit the pieces back together like a puzzle. Except… some chips are still missing. Some pieces have turned to dust. So while we still see a clay pot, we also see cracks and little holes. But as God restores us, and we allow Him into our lives – His light shines through those cracks. That because of our brokenness, and being pieced back together by God, we show Him more.
Brokenness is a beautiful thing in itself.
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your struggles. You are a beautiful soul Alece – inside and out.
Will continue to be praying for you…..
thank you for the sweet reminder that “brokenness is a beautiful thing in itself,” randi. and i love that analogy of the broken pots, with His light shining through the cracks and “weak spots”.
Girl -
I dont know how you do this but everytime I read your words I walk away amazed at you, by you, by God’s goodness and beauty in your life. You challenge me all the time.
Thank you for sharing.
You are beautiful, worthy, worth it.
I love you.
ohhhh… thank you, yeller! i love you!
Alece, you are so beautiful. Inside and out. It’s funny today I was listening to David Wilcox’s Burgandy Heart Shaped Medallion and thinking that if I could have one supernatural power it would be this…
If I had a spell of magic
I would make this enchantment for you
A burgundy heart shaped medallion
With a window that you could look through
So that when all the mirrors are angry
With your faults and all you must do
You could peak through that heart shaped medallion
And see you from my point of view
I was going to write a post on it. Still might in fact
woah. i’ve never heard that song, but i LOVE those lyrics. so, so beautiful! thank you, lynds!
alece, thanks for sharing…
thank you for reading, liz!
Alece,
You are as beautiful as they come, girl. May you be tremendously blessed as you share your heart so others can be encouraged.
you’re so sweet to me, kristen!
“What a beautiful mess this is. Its like picking up trash in dresses. Well it kinda hurts, when the kinda of words you say, kinda turn themselves into blades. Kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard but its nice to say that we played in the dirt. Oh dear cause here we are, here we are, here we are. here we are, here we are, were still here. What a beautiful mess this is, its like taking a guess when the only answer is y —- es! Through timeless words and priceless pictures we’ll fly like birds not of this earth. Tides they turn and hearts disfigure but thats no concern when were wounded together and we tore our dresses and stained our shirts but its nice today. Oh the wait was so worth it.” Jason Maraz The wait is so worth it indeed! Even if I could choose my life, write my script ( broken people) is the company I would choose to keep and you would never choose to do so unless you have been broken yourself! Oh how I love being God’s child unconditionally loved for He alone gives me Jesus and the joy of picking up trash in dresses with awesome sisters and brothers! What joy! Even if all is gone tomorrow all to Him I owe my praise! Practicing the presence of God is my greatest joy. I am the small child running through the field with my arms stretched out and my Saviors arms opened wide. I still hurt, I still cry but always I run to Jesus and live! God alone heals our wounded hearts thanks for being transparent it matters! love C:)
i love me some jason mraz! and that song was perfect! you even inspired me to listen to mr a-z while i was spring cleaning earlier!
by the way that baby of yours beautiful! priceless:)
i miss “my” african kids!
wow…such a beautiful and amazing woman!
sigh… thank you.
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The line that stands out to me is, “If I’m being most honest, that part is probably going to take a while.” Too much of the time, I look for measurable success in my ongoing battle to love God, others, amd myself as I should. So when I close out the day and look back, I get discouraged at my lack of progress. I need to be honest. It’s probably going to take a while.
that is so hard for me to remember too. most of the time, i’m also discouraged by my lack of progress. deuteronomy 7:21-22 is always a good reminder for me that “little by little” is more than okay.
“Do not be terrified by them, for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God. The LORD your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you.”
sometimes little by little is exactly what He wants from me…
abandoned by mother, rejected by father, abandoned by 6 more step- “dads.” i know too well what it is to believe you are not “worthy,” lovely,” beauty,” the deceiver reminds me daily that i won’t be. BUT GOD…
i think of the way a fire comes through and seems to devastate the land, but after a little time has passed, beauty arrives in that place. the soil fertile for change, for new growth. that devastated place becomes more beautiful than it was before. i am counting on God, and see that God is redeeming my life, creating beauty from ashes.
“but God!” that’s a phrase that has come repeatedly to my mind over the past year. thank you for that wonderful reminder.
can’t wait to go read these! your blog is gorgeous! love it. so glad i’ve found it. : )