Beauty’s Standard
Beauty.
Why is it always about body image? (For me, at least.)
And whose standard is it, anyway?
Who is my standard?
This hate affair with my body? (Which could really be translated into a love affair, since I spend more time pondering my body than pondering my God, so it’s all still selfish – right?)
I’d love to kiss this hate obsession goodbye.
I really would.
To just be dead to this particular version of the sin of discontentedness. (Because I am mostly convinced that discontentedness with my physical form is a sin.)
But when your breasts are smaller than a prepubescent girl’s, this specific temptation to sin presents itself anew every morning when I stand in front of my bathroom mirror.
I feel shapeless.
Like the world before creation.
Formless and void.
Oh, you know, my struggle with self has not always revolved around letters you would like to see on a report card but not on the inside of your undergarments.
I have given birth to four children. Nursed four children. And so, for more than four years, I rejoiced at one particular aspect of pregnancy and nursing. You know what I’m talking about.
Every woman struggles with some altered sense of self. (Obviously not everyone’s struggle is breast-related. I know, because not everyone looks like me. Trust me, I’ve been watching to see.)
I think we struggle (I think I struggle) because I have allowed someone else to set the standard of beauty for me.
Maybe you are displeased with your skin tone, your freckles, the firmness of your thighs, the shape of your earlobes, the tilt of your nose.
Whatever.
We all have some point of discontentedness within our very own bodies.
Our temples of God.
And we have a standard with which we are comparing ourselves. A standard with which we can never compete, struggle as we might.
The girl on a magazine cover. The model on that commercial. Our sister. A friend.
And we succumb to the lie. Believing that we would look better only if.
Only if I lose ten more pounds. Only if my eyes were a little closer together. Only if my hair was curlier. Only if my legs were longer.
And whose standard is it, anyway?
Who is my standard?
You?
Listen, I don’t think so.
Although, shamefully, I have wasted many years living as if that was true.
The standard?
Come on, we already know whose standard.
(It’s time for the verse.)
It’s inevitable for it to be pulled out about right now.
“Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Psalm 31:30)
The problem is . . .
I think sometimes I pursue God because I look at myself and feel that the first two options (charm, beauty) are already closed doors to me.
So I might as well, if only by default, go down the other path – the fear of the Lord.
Probably with some secret hope, some sacred expectation, that if I am obedient enough, if I fear God correctly, then God will give me what I really want. Beauty. Charm. (However that translates to me.)
And so I find myself again, as I often have in the past, looking into a mirror, knowing the truth, but believing a lie.
And I don’t want to be there anymore.
I’m tired of the mirror. Tired of the faulty standard. The misplaced views. The lies.
I want to embrace that other standard.
The one that doesn’t shift and fade and change and confuse.
The standard that is not at all connected with the shape of my body or the curve of my hips.
The standard that isn’t really all that elusive, although I act like it is.
The standard that keeps my eyes off the reflection in the mirror and instead focuses my eyes far away from me.
That standard.
The one that lasts. Endures. Uplifts.
That’s the standard I want.
What (or whom) are you allowing to set your standard?
Lacey Keigley blogs at So Every Day and is the mother of SIX both biological and adopted. (Yes, six. I know that six may not seem like a lot to some of you, but if I had four more the crazy would never leave my house.) She is a homeschooler, a night writer and is living in a marriage growing more beautiful everyday through the power of redemption and reconciliation and God’s ridiculous grace. Lacey writes with striking language and gentle humor about her large family and shares her amazing photos daily. She believes that even though we live in the everyday, life is to be praised for it’s beautiful, simple moments. If you’ve never met Lacey, PLEASE go read her blog here and follow her on twitter here.
Photo by Lacey Keigley
Thank you Sarah and Lacey for speaking God’s words right to my soul! I have struggled with true beauty for all of my life, but most recently in the last 6 years(since the birth of my children(girls)) I have allowed the scales and number in my clothes to dictate what I think beauty is and not God’s measure. I have put my scales away this week and am trusting God to show me who He wants me to be no matter the number on the scale or in my clothes.
This seems to be a common thread in us women… the Daughter’s of God.
We chip ourselves away with hatred and dissatisfaction, because of the mirror, scale, or size of our jeans.
It’s about time that we let the truth of God sink deep, and to walk in truth.
Thanks so much for sharing, Lacey… it’s as if you knew my own heart issue.
I am a hardresser and several years ago I was having a conversation with a client who was in the salon with her two little girls. We were talking about “what’s in and what’s out”. Short hair, long hair, bangs, curly, straight etc.
All of a sudden my clients little girl, who was about five years old turned to us with a confused look on her face and said,”So, who’s the boss of that?”
We were both struck dumb. Exactly…who’s the boss of that?
The thing is though, as children of God, we do know who is the boss of everything and who sets the standards.
Lord, help me to remember that YOU MADE ME SPECIAL!
Thank you Lacey! Thank you Sarah!
This is so true and a good reminder that we all feel this way even though God made us all to be unique vessels.
Too often I allow the world to set my standard. Probably like most women.
Thank you for emailing me one night several months ago. And thank you for pouring out your heart here. It is an honor for me.
Oh Sarah – the honor is all mine. All mine.
Thank you.
Small breasted women unite!
I appreciate your article. This has been a big issue for me over the years. (pun intended) But as I grow older, I’m not quite as obsessed with body image. I attribute this partially to just being plain tired of thinking about it. But mostly it is spiritual maturity. Not that I’m a spiritual icon, just that God has been whittling away at my pride and has finally made something that isn’t half bad. Even in my eyes!
Another reason my perspective has changed is this fact: Now that my friends and I are in our forties, fifties, , etc, things are not like they used to be. My large chested friends now have breasts hanging down to their waists. (or so I’ve been told) Alas, mine are right where they’ve always been.
I Peter 3:3-6 has been a comfort to me over the years. Notice the last word. FEAR. I often found myself asking, “What is it I’m afraid of?”
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Unite indeed! (That’s funny!)
And since the fifties don’t feel that far away any more – maybe I will look forward to that!
And I love that verse – in fact, I think I need it today. I used to carry it around with me but the card is faded. I think I will rewrite it this afternoon and stick it somewhere very visible. My favorite line? The line about not giving way to fear – that’s beauty. (ah – maturity – I will keep trying to reach you.)
I needed to read this today…thank you!
I too have struggled with body image issues over the years, as I’m also small in ‘certain areas’. Well, actually I’ve always been a little bit underweight due to health problems.(except when expecting my kids) And the sadder thing is that I’ve had so many other women who have been jealous of the fact I wasn’t overweight as they were that they would say such hurtful things. I even had one tell me when I pointed out all the health issues I had to deal with that she would gladly be sick if it would cause her to look as skinny as me! What?! (and she obviously didn’t really know what she was saying since she hadn’t experienced it, but still)
I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m more content with the body God’s given me…although I won’t say I never struggle with it anymore. (like when trying to find modest clothing in small sizes!) I’m also thankful to have a husband who never fails to tell me I’m beautiful in his eyes…regardless of what the world’s standards might say differently.
Thanks for sharing this and encouraging us to reach for a higher standard of beauty….the one that actually counts for something!
lacey/sarah~this is awesome! “knowing the truth, but believing a lie.” that’s so true….so hard not to believe the lie.
wish we could have a little time and discuss further in person!
the way He works is amazing, isn’t it? to think of our differences, yet the similarities are great too. love that about Him. love that.
As I was nodding and adding a few “amens!” it occurred to me that my problem has never been about recognizing that it’s wrong. That there is more uplift from God than a bra. It’s in the doing. That’s where I get stuck. I see it. I acknowledge it. And then I look in the mirror with the same old words in my head.
I’ve got to start DOING one of these days…
“there is more uplift from God than a bra”
I nearly snorted coffee out my nose.
You mean God is better than underwire?
It IS in the doing.
My head is full of the knowledge – right?
But my actions reveal my heart. Every. Time.
And you made me laugh heartily with your “uplift” from God comment.
I was totally hoping someone would laugh at that … sometimes people don’t see my sarcasm
My oh My, has this been a struggle in this girls life! In my late teens I suffered with Anorexia Nervosa. Down to 72 lbs. at one point. But, after much Prayer, I got back to a healthy weight. Took a long time and once I was there, I still was not happy with this wonderful body of mine. Sadly…I began cutting myself. Shocker? Hard to understand? Hey, it was hard for ME to understand, as well!
Years passed and I was forced to look at my damaged body and REGRET the choices I had made in the tender years of Adolescents. I’m 52 now…a VERY young 52, I might add! And, my Jesus has walked with me and led me to a Higher Calling. To Love and Serve Him and share Him with others. My “body image” issues were over. Or so I thought!
In Oct. 2007, this gal had to have a below the knee amputation. Talk about life-changing! And, just as I resigned myself to living my life in a wheelchair…I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer for the 3rd time. In June 2009, I had a Radical Bi-Lateral Mastectomy. Sounds like a lot, huh?!
I have never looked back since those losses. There has been no sadness at the loss of my breast. My Breast did NOT define who I was in Gods eyes. My body is absolutely “different” from the one He created. But, I was brought to a place of Love and Acceptance through those losses. Of Peace and Acceptance.
I Love who He made when He made ME! I wouldn’t change anything! Because, it is through those losses, that I began to SEE (finally) ALL of the wonderful Gifts He has given me! I may not be able to walk, but I can Love others. And, I have lots of time to sit and Listen to what HE has to say.
Today, even if it’s just today, give Thanks to our King, for your wonderfully made body. Embrace the parts that you feel insecure about. HE Does Not Make Mistakes!
With His Peace and Love ~ Jo
This is a HUGE issue for me… wonderful post, Lacey.
I always try to think outside the box when it comes to the way I dress, cut my hair, etc. I just don’t want to look like every other woman. But yet I find myself comparing to them.
I find it comical now because I was very small breasted as a teen. We’re talking AAA as a freshman in high school. I hated it. I dreamed of making them bigger. Somewhere along the lines God pumped them up. I’m a comfortable B now and deal with finding clothes that don’t pooch.
I like what has been said here that He does not make mistakes. We are all wondrously made.
What a well-written post. Thank you for sharing your private thoughts on a topic that, unfortunately, many of us women can relate to perfectly. (I know I do.) Yes, the discontentedness is sin and is not God’s purpose for our lives. It also has a sneaky way of affected our relationships, particularly our marriages. Hopefully more open discussion will allow us to realize the true source of the dark thoughts and bring us further into the light.
Best,
Lori Lowe
http://www.lifegems4marriage.com
Self image is such an issue for me. I am an overweight woman. I have huge breasts (or it feels that way). I can hardly find a bra to fit with out paying mega bucks for it. Feels like I have been big all my life but when I look back at teenage pictures of me, I really wasn’t but I was told that I was. I think that if parents/adults realized how much the words spoken to a child matter they would chose their words more carefully. What if you believed that what you say to your child is going to in fact come to pass??
However, here I am still in the hatred of my self image. Even when my husband tells me he finds me beautiful, I can not believe him. When I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. So many things wrong… When Sarah asked us to blog about beauty, I couldn’t even do it. What can I say about beauty? I can talk about all of the beautiful people that I know…just not about myself.
I can’t seem to believe Gods truth that He made me fearfully and wonderfully.
misty- i can relate. i have a hard time finding a way to write about beauty as well….lots of reasons why. mostly inward beauty is where i struggle. AND i KNOW that the enemy wants to feed me the lies that would keep me from the truth….the truth that we ARE fearfully and wonderfully made; known by our Creator; loved by our Redeemer; paid for once and for all by our Savior.
even when i can’t see beauty in my heart or in the mirror…..it’s there. He’s there.
Jesus makes us beautiful.
I love Lacey, she happens to be my sister-in-law, but what is not to love. She has such a wit about her, and a heart that is never too full.
She lives in SC and I live in OH, I stay updated on my nieces and nephews everyday when I read her So Every Day.
Sarah, thank you for putting Lacey on your page. I will now be reading you, (Lacey turned me on to your page).
Oh yay! thank you for coming over to comment. =)
I’m really enjoying reading all the posts this week! Lacey’s post was a good one for me to read today!
wow, lacey. thank you for writing out my heart! all i see in the mirror is everything i’m not. and my laundry list of discontent seems to grow all the time. you are so right in calling it out as sin. it is sin. i need to stop slapping God in the face by telling Him He didn’t do a good enough job on me.
Lacey:
I join the many other women who have said that this is a wonderfully written post on a subject that unfortunately hits close to home for many of us.
At ages 16 & 17 I had surgery for a large mass on my face. The doctors said that if the tumor was malignant there would be nothing they could do. It was not so they removed it. Despite the excellent job that they did there is indication that something happened there.
For 40 years I’ve strategized on which side of the table to sit when we go out to eat. Where to be in family photographs, etc. Time wasted that could have been spent thanking God for sparing my LIFE. It all seems totally ridiculous in light of this post.
What you have said has really hit home to me. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
My thanks also to Sarah for having you on her blog as a guest writer. How wonderful to be virtually connected.
I’m a guy so really unqualified to comment here but blame alece if you happen to be friends. and twitter.
huge props for posting on something as personal as this. kind of a big deal.
also. God loves everyone. And men love women. Of all shapes and sizes. And children love their mom pretty much no matter what. just don’t take their cookies away before dinner.
nicely done, peirce!
i agree Matt. and yes, thank you for being the lone guy today. it happens. =)
and it’s always welcomed.
and yes, we love love love alece around here (shhh — she’s sharing on Friday)
This was amazing. I found my self so drawn to your words and say “yeah she’s right!” Dang it Heidi, stop listening to the self talk and listen to God and God’s word. amen Lacey!
[...] the topic of beauty. Monday’s was incredible, Tuesday’s certainly followed suite, and today’s is a must read. So, go one over to her blog, read, then come back- I’ll [...]
What an amazing post! I just happened upon your blog today and I already love it! This is such a huge issue for so many women – myself included. It’s kind of funny that I read this today because just a few days ago I was literally sitting here thinking about what I wish were different about my appearance – things that I don’t like and things that I think would make me more beautiful. I really struggle with not feeling like I’m beautiful at all and in some ways it doesn’t matter and I don’t worry about it but sometimes I just feel so down and wish that I looked different. Thank you for sharing your heart here today. I really do need try to keep my focus on what GOD wants me to be and not what SOCIETY thinks I should be.
welcome! i’m glad you are here! =)
[...] found a blog today called Sarah Markley that I think I’m really going to like. The first post I read was a guest post written by Lacey Keigley and it was about beauty’s standard. I then [...]
Thank you, Lacey/Sarah–the mirror and body image -the world’s image versus the truth of the Lord is a constant struggle. And to not compare–and look back in the mirror and think the Lord made a mistake. Thank you for your authenticity and sharing. god bless.
My pastor said this tonight, and I think it goes with what’s being talked about this week: “Never under estimate how much a girl can hate herself/how she looks”
Sarah/Lacey,
Whoa. Thank you so much for sharing, your transparency and for revealing a new sin-pattern in my own heart that I hadn’t even realized was there. This part seriously got me, and stopped me in my tracks:
“I think sometimes I pursue God because I look at myself and feel that the first two options (charm, beauty) are already closed doors to me. So I might as well, if only by default, go down the other path – the fear of the Lord.”
Seriously convicting for me. That’s me. Ouch. And thank you.
Melissa
I absolutely adore this post, because it felt like I wrote it (although mine would clearly not be as well-written and moving) . . . but it sounded like my own struggles (well with different body “issues”) . . .
I just love your post! My pal recommended this to me and I’m going to recommend it to my other acquiantances as well. Hope you could post more of this.
Thank you, Lacey, for speaking words of truth. I don’t know one girl that doesn’t struggle with living up to her version of (unattainable) beauty. You’re right – it is a sin to be discontent with the way the Lord made me. And I am tired of being so focused on it. So thank you for turning our eyes to what really matters, what is true and lasting and good. Thank you.
[...] My shorts seemed silly. My legs were winter-pale. (And I am not foolish enough to believe that summer will actually change that. That’s just not the way my skin behaves.) My shirt reminded me of my ever-present mental body-image struggle. [...]