Maybe you’ve heard enough about beauty.
One friend in a tweet said to me (or rather about me): “The next 2 days on I’m writing about struggling with beauty. And as I’m writing I might be swearing at you under my breath. 
I’m totally blaming you for trying to make me a better person.”
But I get a chance now. And I think this week has made ME a better person.
Some of you wrote last week about “developing early”.
[raising my hand].
I’m sure someday all of those stories will find their way into a book or a series of blog posts. It really is my final frontier of raw, gut-wrenching honesty and I’ve quietly avoided it for awhile.
I could tell stories about never finding bathing suits that fit in the 10th grade because of my chest, or not being able to run comfortably in high school PE (which probably contributed to my weight gain and sedentary lifestyle). I could talk about the drift of most boys’ eyes downward, about the horrors of bra shopping, and about my friends (even up to a few years ago) asking me questions, “What size were you REALLY?” as if I was the resident circus freak.
[ouch --- even writing this much is really difficult.]
The shame when I would have to walk near a group of guys. The fear that some immature male wouldn’t keep his thoughts to himself. The feeling that I could never be me because I was always worrying about something else.
If you’ve ever hated a part of your body almost as much as you hated the men who made rude comments, you know what I’m talking about.
It is just something that I’ve tried to put behind me and forget about, especially when I lost 60 pounds almost 10 years ago and my bra size also drastically adjusted.
I didn’t
want
to
look
back.
Even during my last pregnancy four years ago when it was difficult to find even a nursing bra that fit, grown women (who were friends) would say things like,
Wow, Sarah. You really get pregnant all UP THERE, don’t you?
Yes. Yes, I know that. Don’t you think I have to face it every time I undress and walk by the mirror on the way to the shower?
[sigh.]
I haven’t really dove headfirst into addressing all of those old feelings yet on this blog because I’ve landed somewhere between a large-chested middle-schooler and a small bra-wearing gym-obsessed crazy woman. I guess right now I’m normal. But it is really hard to talk about because it’s so personal. It is about my body. My body. The flesh that houses my heart and my soul.
It might even be more personal than this.
So
I know what beauty ISN’T.
Beauty really isn’t a jeans size under 30 or a small, cute bra. And it isn’t decided by the bulges when I put on last August’s bathing suit to face the paleness of April. Beauty isn’t a wished-for clear complexion (seriously? I haven’t gone one month without acne since I was 15). It isn’t wishing I lived in the body of someone else.
And I know what UGLY is.
Ugly is turning over in bed after an argument when I know we should be working it out. Ugly is the back-0f-the-mind thought that someone is less than me. Ugly is being lazy when I know I should be washing the dishes. It’s being jealous for someone else’s success. Ugly doesn’t rejoice with them. It’s having a busy heart when I should be focusing on my family. Ugly is immature men speaking lies and affecting a young girl’s sense of worth. Ugly is me believing them.
I’m done with being ugly. Obsessing about my size, whether small or large, is ugly.
I really would rather be pretty.
And I’m tired of hanging the idea of beautiful on the doorknob of what size t-shirt fits.
What do you find hard to be honest about?
Seriously…your blog today brought me to tears. I find it hard to be honest about my weight. I couldn’t even blog about beauty, I read it but I couldn’t write it.
Maybe one day I will be able to talk about and write about beauty with out feeling so darn ugly.
Really.great.post. Thanks for being open.
Thanks for your authenticity and transparency, Sarah! Beautiful post!
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this…
I’ve always thought you’re one of the most beautiful women I know. Inside and outside. I truly have never noticed any of the “flaws” you’ve pointed out. Maybe it’s because your inside beauty shines brighter. Anyway, your honesty here is gorgeous. Thank you for sharing.
Hands down… most awesome post ever! Thank you for your honestly and openess!
In the past, I have struggled with my weight. Slowly, I’m getting a hold of that battle by giving it to God… but it took me years to admit I had a problem with eating.
I find myself focusing too much on what beauty is to me, or about me. . .that I rarely think about the ugliness of what I do or don’t do. Ouch!
This is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. The total opposite of ugly!! And speaking of opposite, my body issue is the opposite of yours–not enough chest to fill out a bra or swimsuit. I’ve slowly learned to accept/embrace it. And realized that God has women He wants to bless through my “story.” Hugs to you today!!
p.s. If you figure out a way to get clear skin, LET ME KNOW!
i’ve tried all kinds of things for my skin. looks like i’m just gonna have to live with it until menopause.
ick.
What I believe is beautiful is your ability to help stop the world of “accepted truths” and redirect our minds to God’s truths!
Great post!! I have struggled with my weight and being big chested also. I am trying to give it ALL to God each day. Thanks for your honesty!!
We’ll seems we have the same problem! But last night my (foster) daughter told that she was asked at school if she was content with herself. She had said YES! Then she asked me directly if I was content with myself. I hesitated, wanted to say not with some parts but as I wanted to say that I looked in my husbands eyes and decided not to pass that frustration down to my kids! So I said yes. But she had noticed my hasitation and asked me why. And we had a great conversation about what the world thinks is beautifull and what really Gods thinks about that!
Wendelijn
that is so amazing, wendelijn. my 8 yr old told me yesterday that she was beautiful because god made her so.
i need to have her faith, i think. =)
BTW she said she couldn’t believe anyone ever told me that some parts of me weren’t beautifull!!
WHOH!!! The honest view of a child!!!
What an amazing, loving, and lovely young lady.
thank you for such honesty…it makes you a more beautiful person. i am learning how to see the beauty in myself…and i am being more honest as i write my story on my blog.
I love how you juxtapose inner beauty with inner ugliness. I needed that reminder…that I can choose to stay in ugly places or I can choose to work on the ugly.
Thank you.
Wow, did i ever need to hear this today. thank you for your honesty and willingness to share…again and again.
me too sarah. me too. bra size and all!
thank you for these posts. they’ve caused me to look for beauty through out this week. like looking for reasons to be thankful, then “entering his gates with thanksgiving in my heart,” looking for beauty has had the same result.
thank you denise. i can hear you saying this to me.
miss you friend.
Talk about a REAL ME post… Sarah, you are amazing. And you are beautiful.
What do I find to be honest about…has to be my weight. I’ve struggled with it since I was twelve but in the last five years or so I’ve ballooned to being (gasp) 100 pounds over what is healthy (and i”m not talking skinny…just HEALTHY!) and I know what I need to do and make vows to do it and I don’t. This, of course, leads me to doubt anyone could willingly listen to a thing I have to say because I’m not “pretty” on the outside.
I think what I like best about your post is your description of what’s “ugly” because just as “beauty” is a condition of the heart so is the opposite and I think some times we miss that fact.
Great post. Thank you for being willing to share about what can be a difficult personal topic.
so encouraged by your bravery to share that kristine.
i would have to agree with everyone else! great post!
i have enjoyed reading about beauty this week.
I love seeing and reading so many different perspectives because, I realize that not only is it obviously, very personal, i realized that a lot of people struggle with this issue and it takes honesty to talk about it.
i learn every time i read a post where someone has taken the time to be honest.
I think that is what i have appreciated most. It makes me want to be more honest and open to others.
thanks for doing this!
I’m learning to be more content with my weight. I’ll be 35 in a few months and I’m realizing I’m probably never going to be what I weighed when I was 25. But I’m closer to it than I was two years ago, even a year ago. I’m trying to see myself (my body) as lovely. A few curves. And in that still trying to have self control to not over eat, discipline to get on the exercise bike when I’d rather sit on the couch and veg.
This is exactly what I needed today. I left for work this morning not feeling good about myself, promising that I would use the gym clothes that I bring with me to work everyday. I’m not comfortable in what I’m wearing and hate myself for it. And to top it all off, everything that could go wrong at work today is going wrong.
But reading this made myself step back, appreciate me for me and decide that being ‘ugly’ just makes the day even worse.
So thank you for writing about an uncomfortable topic because you just brought a little peace to my heart that is in the midst of turmoil.
I hear ya, Chrysta! I often do the same thing – even going as far as bringing those workout clothes to work. I have been in a place of not fitting into anything and feeling bad about myself in any and every situation and not wanting to see certain people because I feel insecure about my body. It is a hard and isolated place to be.
The past couple weeks I have been slowly making some initial physical progress to get out of the rut I have been in for so long but it has been amazing how God has been teaching me during this time – how He is way more concerned about the inward beauty of my heart than about the other stuff.
I pray the rest of your day at work continues to show glimpses of beauty! I’ll be thinking about you as I finish my last few hours of work
I think the hardest posts I’ve ever written were about my chest and breastfeeding. Ironically, they’re also my most popular posts.
I still remember being a summer missionary and one of my friends saying, “Wow, that’s the only lady I’ve seen whose chest is bigger than yours!” Being looked at like a circus freak in China. I didn’t develop early, but by 11th grade I was LARGE in that area…and still am. I hate it.
Preach on, sister! Ugly is so all of those things and beauty, well, it is simply honest love for the Lord shining through whatever form we may have at the moment. Our faces as simply reflections of God, that’s beauty! Our bodies being mere cracked vessels of the Spirit, that’s beauty! Not using our bodies to catch the eyes of others causing them to stumble, that’s beauty! Using our minds for the good of the Lord, that’s beauty, too! What a good Word!
seriously, sarah! i have never been a small girl. never.
pretty sure i was always the tallest, ‘biggest boned’ (i hate that term,btw) girl in school. always! 5’10, size 11 shoe…i mean c’mon! girls don’t wear 11′s for crying out loud….
now? i’m getting better at dealing.(as i approach 40) dealing with my ‘big boned self’, my big feet. my body that will never, ever fit into a size 6. not. gonna. happen. so, i buy the bigger size. i try(sometimes over and over again) to get comfortable in my skin that is my ‘big boned’ self.
i’m sick of obsessing about it too! i agree, it’s ugly.
I love you so much… and any muttering under my breath now is admiration-filled.
When a commenter on my blog listed off all the horrible, gut-wrenching things people had said to her… different ways of bluntly calling her ugly her whole life… my stomach literally felt sick. I was so heartbroken for her and furious on her behalf. I couldn’t imagine a parent or husband saying the things they did to her.
And then I realized I say the same things every day to myself. I look at the mirror in the morning, being reminded of my changed view and literally form the words in my head that I am so fat and ugly.
And I have never been furious on my behalf.
But I bet He is. Thanks for being the lovely you that makes us look in our internal mirror.
Love you.
oh, this comment made me go
“hmmm”
right out loud in starbucks.
you are absolutely correct.
Wow I never thought of it like that…you’re totally right. Thanks for helping me to see this…
I think a truer litmus of beauty is more than just ‘the eye of the beholder’, which does help distinguish between the world’s definition, and God’s definition. Beauty is in the creation of it, whatever it is. If you take no joy in what you do for your beauty, be it your own appearance, your home, whatever you are focusing on in terms of beauty, then how is it beautiful to you? Do you behold it with joy, or is it a chore? I think that’s part of why I’m getting more motivated to exercise (albeit slowly) because I take no joy in what I behold. I don’t know if I’ll take joy in beholding myself with a few pounds off, but I won’t know til I try, right? It might make it easier to see myself with God’s eyes if my own weren’t so self-loathing at times.
Great post! You just made me realize that I tried to dance around one of my biggest issues when I was writing about beauty by using a creative metaphor because I didn’t want to just come right out and say it. But you faced it head on. Thank you! Your transparency is helping me be more transparent!
*Applause*
*Standing Ovation*
Thank you for your honesty.
If you wouldn’t mind, I’d love to post a link to this post on my blog. It is really thought-provoking and interesting. I think many people can be inspired by your words.
I have read and stood back and listened (since I’m not blogging much these days) and have been blessed by your blogs and others comments of beauty. Wow, how this is a struggle for most women. I can definitely relate to your weight/chest issues as I too lost 50lbs about 10yrs ago, only to have gained it all back and more after having 3 babies. When I was pregnant with my first baby one of my dearest friends said, “oh my, I think that’s the biggest chest I’ve ever seen!”…I could have burst into tears after having such a embarrassment over them anyway. I continually work on having God’s heart of beauty and not getting caught up in the world’s way. Since becoming a Mary Kay Consultant, my biggest message in my facials I like to communicate is that we can do all we want to the outside and try facials, any kind of body “fixing” we think, exercising and eating well (which are definitely important), – BUT if the inside-your heart is not in love with Jesus Christ and allowing Him to shine beauty and be beauty in us, then it won’t matter. He’s all that matters and in having that personal relationship with Him we find that beauty because it’s Christ.
Sarah,
I find whenever I read your blog, it’s like you’re writing a page from my heart. I too developed WAY TOO early. Struggled with accusations of stuffing my bra, boys surrounding me on the basketball courts because they had a bet going to see which one was brave enough to come up and “grope” me. I had older boys want to date me because they wanted to date what was under my shirt. You would think this attention would give a girl a sense that she was beautiful, desirable…but all it did was make me slouch (trying to hide them) and make me totally insecure. I even finally got a breast reduction because I thought it would make my life better, only then to get married, have two babies, and be right back at square one. This is still a struggle for me and one that people laugh about or think is an appropriate topic to ask me about (HELLO, it’s PERSONAL). So all this to say that when you decide to be vulnerable and share a part of yourself with your readers, know you’re touching someone. As much as we all think our situations are unique and we’re the only ones who’ve ever been through it, it’s so nice to know that we’re really not. It heals a small pieces of our hurts, to know others have walked the same paths. It’s nice to know we’re not alone. I know we’ve never met in person, but I look forward to your blogs because they make me feel like there is someone else walking in my shoes and I’m not the only one. What a nice feeling….
On a side note…I have never said this out-loud, but what I find hard to be honest about is, the reason I love being pregnant is of course because there’s a little life in me and all that good stuff…but a BIG reason is that it’s the only time in my life I’ve felt it was okay to be fat. I’ve struggled with my weight and I obsess about it EVERY DAY. I mean EVERYDAY! I look at every woman that passes me and think “I’m not as big as her” or “I wish I was a little as her”. I can’t even shut it off! But when I’m pregnant, it’s almost like I finally give myself a break and wear my maternity clothes proud, because they I hope and pray when people look at me they don’t think “she’s fat” but they think, oh how cute, she’s pregnant. Totally NOT why God designed us to procreate! I think it’s pretty ugly of me…yet I have such a hard time turning my inner dialogue off…
Really good post, Sarah. Thank you!
What an awesome post!! I’m so glad to have found this!! I’m learning so much about this lately…especially since having shaved my head the other day. You really discover what you’re truly made of…and it doesn’t have anything to do with what other people think. You sound like a really strong woman now…and I’m so glad to have found you.
wow kristen!
You sound like a strong woman too.
my post tomorrow is about hair. sort of. =)
Made me cry. Again. And it’s ok- you’re welcome to do it anytime, actually. You’re right. I love that you defined what it’s NOT. I struggle with that ‘area’ as well, and it feels defining so often, but I know that I make a bigger deal than is what necessary. I need to cut it out!
my internal soundtrack is in desperate need of a new DJ.
this one made me smile out loud. can i do that?
What an amazing post! And then to top it off the comments are amazing too! A couple of them brought me to tears – literally. The story Wendelijn told – amazing! The words of wisdom that gitz shared – WOW! Not to mention all of the others. Isn’t amazing how many women (all!) are striving towards beauty yet none of us ever feel like we reach it? It’s so sad that we all torture ourselves this way! We could make such a change if we were able to see ourselves as beautiful and teach our daughters to do the same.
Thanks so much for inspiring so many beautiful posts this week!! I’m thrilled to have found your blog and can’t wait to see what else God has to teach me through all of these great women I’ve found through it!
As always, I love your writing. It’s what drew me to you in the first place… I wish I’ve been by here more often in the past few months. I’m catching up.
What do I have a hard time being honest about? Well… About why, even though we’re about to celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary, we aren’t parents.
i love you friend. =)
Good heavens, I just kissed my screen.
nice to meet you too!
=)
were you at blissdom and i missed you?
all of your comments have been so amazing. thank you.
and i’m loving loving your honesty.
thanks for honoring me and this community by so open here in the comments. it’s beautiful.
Wow.
The past week I have been seeing and looking for beauty. And I’ve found it everywhere… but not once did I consider how beauty can be found when we are not being ugly.
Beauty IS turning over and working it out, it’s not being lazy and washing those dishes, it’s being happy for someone else’s success…wow. Just wow.
Thank you once again Sarah, for new beautiful perspective.
Yes.
I am reading late.
I love this post.
And I hate the conviction it sticks on me – the conviction I try to avoid all. the. time.
I don’t want beauty to be about doing the right thing, having the right attitude, fighting these subtle self-serving sins in my life.
I don’t want it to be about rejoicing with others, being productive when I want to be lazy or even (a huge one for me) fighting the fears that threaten my mind every day.
Thanks Sarah – for always writing so well, so boldly, so inspiring!
I’m in the midst of reading 5 Conversations You MUST Have With Your Daughter. The first chapter talks about this and our need to feel beautiful and how we are so influence by our environment. I enjoyed reading your take on this subject. Your description of ugly spoke so loudly to me. So well put and I’ll be replaying it in my head and trying *not* to be ugly.
YOU ROCK!! I loved your post. Simply amazing. You’re raw honesty is why I enjoy reading your posts. Thanks!
Sarah,
I applaud you with the others for your willingness to bare your soul for our benefit! I have recently decided to face the “Idol of Beauty” in my own heart. I had no idea how much this had captivated me until I turned 50. The realization that my body is fading away year by year brings a sadness to me. I know this must grieve my Father’s heart because each year that passes brings me closer to spending eternity with HIM. I have been quoting Proverbs 31 daily: “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised!” I am looking forward to going back a reading your other posts on this timely subject. I pray the Lord will reward you greatly for your willingness to open your life to others in an effort to help and serve them.
[...] Sarah Markley challenged several bloggers to contemplate beauty on their blogs… some did it begrudgingly… some did it willingly… but what came [...]
It hit me reading this. Defining UGLY so much more clearly describes ‘beautiful’. For me at least. Loved the series.