I could have never been a spelunker.
[If you don't know what that means, look it up]
At 12 I attended a youth group camp out in the desert.
The first night, after setting up the tents, the youth group leaders ended a flashlight hike at the entrance to a cave. Junior high girls huddled in small groups and stumbled over each other in the dark. Junior high boys thought it was funny to run ahead along the flanks of the group and jump out from behind Joshua trees to scare the girls in the moonlight.
Sweaty hands. Discerning the shadows. Hating the trip already.
At the entrance to the boulder-born cave I realized that I was stuck: I either had to enter with all kids and the few adults, or I would be outside in the dark by myself.
And I hadn’t known before that moment that I suffered from a light case of claustrophobia.
Needless to explain, my virgin spelunking experience was disastrous for my psyche. I still remember it: my waning flashlight, the tiny-tight spaces, and the closed in feeling that I would never emerge in the wide-open night again.
I did make it out [thus my ability to write this blog post 23 years later]. However, I still don’t like small spaces and I refuse to enter caves.
Yesterday a group of us walked down the hill to a grove of redwood trees.
“There’s a tree you can go INSIDE and stand UP in,” a friend of mine told us.
I turned the corner and looked at the cave-tree. A large, dark hole opened up in the bottom of an ancient redwood at the end of the trail. “Go on in,” another woman said.”It’s amazing.”
Nothing dark and cob-webby is anything I would consider “amazing”.
I squatted at the entrance to the wooden cave and stopped.
What do I have to lose?
I’ve been practicing bravery, the art of asking and pure and unadulterated outward confidence (even if I don’t feel it on the inside). What do I have to lose with going inside a cave?
Light. Loss of sight. Bats in my hair.
My friend walked in ahead of me, I followed and Shannon came behind me. All three of us stood up in the black.
“That’s enough for me!” I announced in the echo and pushed Shannon back out into the forest. The memories of twelve-year-olds in the too-close desert cave interrupted the darkness.
But courage breeds courage. And everything I’ve been through this weekend has given me a little bit more.
In a silly way, considering my fear of small places, going inside the tree was a courageous act. And I had nothing rationally to lose.
The only thing I really had to lose was my fear.
And that’s something I want to lose.
I don’t want to be afraid of rejection, of beginning again, or of losing the time investment of the last 12 months. Like taking a deep breath and standing up inside the dark tree, I’m trying to face my fears head on in order to diminish them.
The only thing I have left to lose is my fear and I’m ready to leave that behind in the moonlit cave in the desert.
What fear are you ready to leave behind?
“The only thing I really had to lose was my fear.” =]
im usually a REALLY brave person. i love doing the crazy things. nothing usually scares me.
but the one haunting fear that i have that i seriously need to shake off – my fear of marriage. my fear of having a relationship with a man. the fear isn’t as bad as it used to be (i used to get really bad dreams about it…more about it here http://www.ricianne.com/2009/12/dear-unwanted-future-husband.html if you’d like to read about it)
i would really like to be set free from that fear (whether i get married or not)…. because i dont want fear to grip my heart like that. God is working that out in me… slowly but surely. i just wish the process would hurry, rather than having the fear linger longer than it should.
fear of divorce..it is so gripping, that it causes me to waiver in holding firm to what is right. it is so heartbreaking to know that there may not be any other choice…and that scares me, when I all have done is hope for years and years.
Oh No.
I think I might be where you are.
And I don’t want to be either.
I’m ready leave behind the fear of being alone, of never getting married. Also the fear of living alone. I greatly dislike being by myself.
fear of writing them down or saying them out loud!! I fear mostly my husband will fall out of love with me. And not that I’m doing anything to provoke that … but I fear that he’ll want something better, that my allure will fade and he’ll not find me attractive, funny, or loveable anymore. 8 years this August.
Oh Stef,
Find a way to die to that fear right now. It is a heavy weight, too heavy of a weight, to place on your husband.
Find your source of strength and comfort and ultimate love in God.
Today.
Hi Sarah,
I have several fears, the fear of heights, small spaces, strangers, large bodies of water, I could probably think of a few more, but you get the idea. I, like you, want to be fearless and I think that’s a very good thing, but right now I am praying for fear, the development of a good fear, the fear of God. For me, I think the way to be fearless on this earth is to have a fear of God, a fear that helps me to obey Him and love Him for who He is.
I didn’t really answer your question, (I can be obnoxious that way sometimes) but I thank you for the encouragement and inspiration this morning!! I am still praying for you.
Love-Oly
Fear of where God is calling me—forcing me to let go of people and things I have clung to for so long during the baby steps of learning to trust God and during the gut-wrenching darkness of my recovery. He’s placing me in a place that can be lonely and a little terrifying.
It is scary to step out in my own faith on the path He has ordained, with no one but God holding me up.
At the same time I get the feeling my time in the desert with Him is going to be sweeter then anything that has happened to date in my precious (and still so new) walk with Him.
Thank you for the encouragement this morning, Sarah.
I so appreciate it!
Blessings~
Lindsey
i agree, Lindsey. it’s scary.
Fear of being out of control.
Losing my husband to a bunch of lies.
Fear of being alone to do this task ahead of me.
I am ready to get rid of the fear that I will miss God in something…everything. Sometimes I focus on that way too much and not God Himself. It can become and idol and I never want to replace God! Getting rid of fear itself becomes faith.
fear of facing other people with my sin. even though…..even though He has redeemed me and I am forgiven.
I hate that fear.
Right now my fear is losing a friendship. I had to do the right thing and potentially I have lost my dear friend. The reality is it is not my choice but my heart still hurts. I am committed to being the most loving friend in this situation but I am scared of the hurt. I want the hurt part to be over. Right now.
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Courage breeds courage. Thank you for yours.