I can’t always tie it up with a neat little ribbon.
Using my left hand, put my finger in the middle to hold it down while I snap out a bow with my right hand. 1, 2, 3. It’s done. It’s a tight, perfect little knot. It’s tidy.
I can’t always do that.
Because we don’t always live in a neat and orderly world.
We lose marriages, and houses, and we might even lose our children or our parents. Our worlds crumble, our check books crumble, his face crumbles when you give him bad news. We get mean emails, lay-off notices and we get bills taped to our front door.
I can’t always say It’s-gonna-be-okay because sometimes I don’t believe it myself.
I
can’t
see
the
future.
And it bugs me.
[Because I want to write this tidy little blog post where I say that I'm depending on Him today to carry me.]
But I can’t always find the spiritual meaning when I’m stuck in the middle of it. When the grinding of the transition and the memory of the heartache is too big to let me see anything else. Tomorrow is as murky as the LA River.
Even now I’m resisting the urge to find the greater meaning in it all.
Tidy says that God will fix it.
Tidy says that it’s all in His Plan.
Tidy says that I was destined for this.
But I feel like I’m living in UnTidy: Where my heart winds around reality and I don’t feel like “trying to find the best” in it all.
But when my heart can’t see the end or the good, my mind must take over for a day or two to know that there is good. And there might not only be good but there might be better.
Sigh.
Even if that better is hiding behind the deadbolted door labeled Eternity. And I have to be okay with the possibility that I might never get to glimpse the grand purposes behind today’s woes.
Lord, prepare my heart to take blind steps with eyes wide open in the dark. Help me to rely on the KNOWing and not the FEELing of Your presence, beside me, behind me, before me. Watch when I cannot.
Am I alone? Is there anyone else out there feel like this?
I can definitely relate. I’m experiencing that a lot right now. Everyone else wants things to be so tidy and have so many expectations of me and I can’t live up to them. Tidy is all good and dandy back when I was on survival mode and I was a great performer–doing everything everyone wanted. But over so many years of that, it’s broken me down and I can no longer be the tidy one who does everything that everyone else thinks I should do. I have to go at my own pace and right now, that means I’m learning a lot about God’s love for me while I’m in the midst of a very powerful storm.
It’s His words of truth that keep me going every day. This song is powerful: Times by Tenth Avenue North. I hope that anyone who checks that out on YouTube or something will be blessed with it as much as I have. Music and scripture are reminding me that I don’t have to always feel Him. I’m learning.
You’re not alone Sarah.
smooches,
Larie
Sarah – thank you so much for this post. What a great summary of the biggest reason I drifted away from Him.
Lindsey Renee – love the song! Thank you for sharing it.
absaloutely.I am in the middle of a family situation that I cant make better and hurts like mad and all I can do (also the very best thing)is pray and wait and watch for god to work things through.
do i know God is in control?……absaloutely.
Does it hurt like mad ?……… absaloutely
do I know what will happen?……no .is that hard?……..absaloutely!
do i trust God?……..absaloutely
does that mean its easy……absaloutely not!
So I know what you mean.
is it messy right now?…….absaloutely!
can I make it neat and tidy?……no!if only I could!
so we are in this together and the best thing of all is God has us both in his hands and it might not be tidy but he will work things together for good!
oh, sarah~ i want to say that i don’t relate to this post. i do. it’s me. i’ve lost count of the times~especially in the last two years~when i had a hard time finding ‘greater meaning in it all.’ the truth is~He CAN fix it. He DOES have a plan. and He DOES have our destinies right in the palm of HIS hand.
it’s the truth, and somedays~ i just don’t feel it. yet, we press on and get our feelings out of the way. we lean on what we KNOW and not how we feel. thanks for taking a risk on this one. you hit the nail on the head.
i’m praying.
and i’m gonna share it. too good not to.
Yes, yes there are days when I feel like this. It’s easy to say God has a bigger plan but to feel it … that’s entirely different. On those days, it’s even hard to find a prayer … so, I give it over to Him and ask that He lay my life on the heart of another believer. Maybe that believer is someone who doesn’t even know me … but feels a call from God to pray for an unknown person. Today may be cloudy and stormy but there is Sonshine on the other side of that mountain
I’m remembering your blog about the sauce … today is a seasoning that will add flavor to your story. 
Whatever you are going through, whatever you are facing that doesn’t seem to have a tidy ending, know that I am praying for you. May God hold you close even if you don’t have the strength to cling to Him.
I have been in a place of having to choose knowing over feeling for over a year now. I will say it was HORRIBLY difficult in the beginning, but it has gotten much easier (most of the time). Feelings are so unreliable; I can’t deny that it’s been a huge blessing (though not easy) to learn to not let them dictate my perception of everything.
I’m not usually big on recommending books other than the Bible, but I would highly recommend “The Christian’s Secret of a Happy Life” by Hannah Whitall Smith. I’ve read it twice in the last few months…it’s all biblically based and has been such a HUGE help to me in finding my way past the feelings.
God IS in control!
Oh my goodness! you are not alone Sarah! I want so much for all the stress, emotional pain, family heartbreak, and personal finances issues to have a deadline – a tme that I can look forward to that I know it will all be over and tidy once again.
Everyday feels like endurance. I am wanting to trust God without constantly trying to figure out how He may have great purpose in everything, and what His exact plan may be in everything.
I know He is good.
I know He is our provider.
I know loves me and my husband.
and despite my lack of feelings, i am trying to learn to operate in those truths. I am also grateful for my husband’s spiritual leadership. Life would be even harder if I didn’t have his leadership to lean on.
You’re not alone. Thank you for being open and honest. Sometimes it’s so hard for me to read “Christian bloggers” because my life is so comparatively un-tidy.
uh, me too. you are not alone in that.
ooohhh – my life is a hot mess right now. i’m working through some stuff from my childhood and it’s makin me cry and i HATE to cry – leaves me too vulnerable to more pain. i totally trust that God will take care of me and tidy me up, but i hate the waiting and the working. i want it all fixed NOW! to that end, “while i’m waiting” by john waller has been my anthem of late. sarah, thank you so much for your transparency and your honesty. you are the first person i go to every morning and i always come away feeling a little less alone in my dishevelment. you are a blessing to me…
I am in a similar place, Cathy Joy…working through a bunch of stuff from family stuff and i cry so easily….and sometimes for no apparent reason in normal stuff because of how vulnerable and open my heart is right now.
God isn’t a tidy God, He’s full of mystery, wonder, surprises, and beautiful messes that glorify Him.
oh, but how i do like tidiness- of mind, body, spirit, and home!
“faith is being sure of what we hope for, yet certain of what we cannot see.”
how many times i’ve had to “walk by faith, not by sight,” i cannot tell you. hindsight has ALWAYS shown that He has always been faithful. i find myself in most circumstances saying to God, “do it again, surprise me with Your mysterious ways.”
We are not alone in these feelings…there are more women than not that feel what you have described on a daily…almost to the point that it swallows them up. Five years ago I almost allowed these emotions to take me away in a perfect storm…one that almost destroyed the life that I have now. God was there in amongst the turbulent times…He pulled me away form the wrestling with the devil…keeping my eyes on Him now.
Thank you for writing this…it is a blessing.
<3
Sarah,
It sounds like you are writing my story. . .again. I feel this way often. I can so relate. Your blog is the first I read in the morning. It always makes me pause, relate, reflect and gain insight about myself. Thank you for sharing your soul!
When my heart feels untidy, I’m tempted to think I can fix it with things or people.
Jesus gently reminds me, that I can only be clean in Him… and He bids me come and sit at His feet.
I find refreshment when I obey and be still before Him. I stop talking, wishing, dreaming… and let His life flow through me.
Great post Sarah.
i love this, Sarah!
all of us want “the plan” spelled out better so we can examine it for flaws…we all want the “perfect ending”…
but instead of spelling out “the plan” for us…Jesus offers us…Himself…
i think He is not only enough…but in the end, Jesus is what our hearts truly need & crave…
love you & your heart!
dad
I am definitely feeling this way. I’m having marital issues and when it all came to a head the other day, it really FELT like God had abandoned me. I’ve been having to remind myself that He is there holding me close through my pain. I cannot stand that I can’t foresee the future. It feels almost like you read my mind when you were writing this one. Thank you, Sarah!
I actually just wrote out a text yesterday about how I want that neat conclusion/answer to move from the unknown to the known and tie up the bow to bring some answers to my hurting heart…and it’s so getting to the letting God bring it about in His timing. but yes, I hear you and living in the Untidy with you.
No, you’re not alone. I’m there in that WHAT-is-Your-plan-here-God? stage sometimes, too.
It’s so great how God puts something on your heart and it hits so close to home for all of us.
Thank you for your words…I feel like this a lot right now. My husband feels it even more than I. But God is good and He will always work it out to His glory and our benefit.
Thanks, God Bless You.
Its so nice to read the comments people read…it is a great feeling to know you are not alone. You are never alone.
I am sooo there with you! Maybe we’ll have a chance to chat about it at Mt. Hermon. I struggle with the “God has something better for you” platitudes because I’m not sure that what God has next fits *my* definition of “better.”
The very hardest part of it is knowing what to say to our boys. How to encourage their faith without giving them false hope. It’s quite the tightrope walk.
Blessings on you as you walk it too.
Mary Hampton
Yay! i can’t wait. it’s coming up so soon!
Sarah, You have NO idea how timely this is for me. There are things going on in my business life that I can’t explain, understand or even really want to deal with. I can’t tell you how your obedience in writting this makes me know that there are just somethings that I WON’T ever get to know, until I am in the presence of My Almighty God. And then I don’t even think I will care, because his beauty will surpass all my questioning, longing and misunderstanding. Thank you so much!!! I love you deeply.
Tam
Sarah,
actually tearing up at my computer while reading this. you are definately not alone in feeling this way. its like you wrote the words in my head.
thanks for sharing so honestly
Bindu
I’m stuck on the “blind steps” as you wrote at the end. I know He will be there to shine the light; but for some reason I’m looking for the brighter light; if I could just trust Him and be assured. And I would venture to say, I’m sure every woman in America is going through these very same woes. You spelled it out….oh so great blog…and I thank you.
i think you were reading my mind when you wrote this. this is exactly how i’ve been feeling this week. my mind knows that god is in control, that all this is part of his plan, that there is purpose in the pain, but my heart can’t follow. i’m unhemmed and spilled out all over the place this week. i like what you said about the grinding of the transition. i’ve learned that on the brink of change, i freak out. i sense the changing winds coming and i go spinning instead of looking up. you write the most beautiful posts. helping me process.
Sarah, thank you for this post! It is also so nice to read that there are so many of us right in the same ‘untidy’ boat! So many times in my Christian walk, I feel so alone, I feel like no one will understand (because my family members are not Christians and they don’t understand). There are so many times when we have felt that it is God’s will and then it just does not turn out the way we thought or wanted and the “why’s” that come sometimes are answered and sometimes not. We are right in the middle of a huge transition and it is so hard to try and guess how God is going to direct it. A good friends always reminds me that we go through trials to help build character and sometimes I laugh and say that I am not too sure that it is building the right kind of character in me! I fail miserably in the way I respond! Thanks so much for your blog! God Bless you!
[...] Go read Sarah’s post, it’s called Untidy [...]
Oh, Sarah, I read your blog and saw my heart’s confusions and pain. So many times I have longed to open the deadbolt and peer through the door cracked open to eternity. I feel I just cannot manage another step, or even to stand, if it means that I have to move blindly for one more second. Life is beyond untidy and I feel undone.
God reminds me of the things I have already passed through, things I would have seen through the cracked door that would have frightened me more than the unknowing. My husband’s cancer, our home and every belonging totally destroyed in flames, incurable illness and more. Then He whispers that I am still here, still standing and that He brought me through. Only sometimes do I glimpse the glory that those agonizing things brought to His name. He promises that someday I will see the tapestry of my life from His vantage and it will be worth the wait.
Sometimes I remember His promises and stand tall, other times I fall weeping at the immovable door. These last few days I’ve been crying, banging on the door and asking for the sneak preview that will provide me assurance.
Reading your words and responding has been the reminder I needed. I’m wiping my tears and moving to my feet to stand again. Thank you for sharing your heart – even when it is pain.
Blessings and prayers,
Joni
Wow, Joni. Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your own struggles. beautiful. =)
hi Sarah, i just found your site, and i am so glad i did! i love your writing and your voice. thanks for your honesty, inspiration, and truth. i will be visiting lots in the future and will pass your name on to others, as well. thanks for sharing your heart. do not doubt that you are speaking powerful truth and hope to others–even those you have never met or may never hear from.
Thank you Laura! And welcome. =)