Yesterday I hiked in the canyon. The particular trail I took I hadn’t walked in over a year.
Things change in a year: bushes, landscapes, hills. I made a wrong turn, ended up startling a roadrunner and as a result of my bad memory had to double back wasting 20 minutes.
There were so many choices! And all the trail names sound the same: East Lake Loop, East Lake View, Lake Trail…
I mean I didn’t get hopelessly lost. There WAS the roadrunner, and a mountain biker who pedaled by me. I made it back to the main artery without much hassle, but I know I’ll never take that trail again.
Our road is never, ever straight. There are always forks, trails that lead into the forest, or paths that travel up or down hill. There are always decisions to be made, ruts to avoid and rattlesnakes to watch out for.
Keeping our marriages strong is a constant journey down a canyon trail making the right choices over and over again. Everything is in our way, at one time or another, to attempt to confuse or trip us.
Yesterday I wrote about emotional affairs, and it would seem they are much more common than I had ever thought. Just go read the comments.
It’s ridiculous to think that we can live our lives free from attraction to someone NOT our spouse. Even if you aren’t an oversexed woman, the man will come around someday who says just the right thing to get your attention.
And your ears will perk.
And you’ll think, ME??
If it hasn’t happened yet it will.
Just ask any man.
How do you avoid the double-back path? How do you make the right choices to stay on the true trail? How do you avoid an emotional attachment to someone other than your spouse?
1. Limit your “friendships” with members of the opposite gender. Understandably we must function in the world and world, thank God, is not just made up of women. (could. you. imagine?) But we can limit our close, tight, emotional one-to-one connections with members of the opposite gender.
2. Keep your heart focused on the right things. A heart focused on God will not stray. In fact, my husband Chad is writing about that today. Go hear what he has to say when you get a chance.
3. Recognize that attraction isn’t the problem… But prolonged thoughts about the attraction is. If you can’t stop thinking about someone, then there is definitely a problem. But simple gut attraction is something built into us as humans and is something nearly impossible to avoid. But recognize it for what it is and nothing more. Move on as quickly as possible if you find someone attractive.
4. Be honest with your spouse. If you don’t have it already, create an environment of emotional transparency so that when these feelings come up, or you feel like you might be headed to a dangerous place you can be open with him. You might be surprised to hear that he’s had these thoughts too.
The goal isn’t just to NOT GET LOST. But to stay found. Stay close to your spouse. Stay close to your Creator. Stay found by them.
What do you think? How do you avoid extramarital emotional attachments?
[Chad writes today about the things he does to stay pure in our marriage.]
Good word Sarah. It’s so important to pay attention to all of these things before you find yourself on dangerous ground. All of your suggestions are so right on.
Sarah, Great advice for married and single women alike. Thanks for writing and sharing about this issue. God bless, Shannon
Okay, yesterday I freaked out because I have felt a little bit of attraction to other men but have been very intentional about creating boundaries with them. I found myself asking myself, “What? An emotional affair? Really!? Have I done this?” I then spent some soul-wrenching time with God and in it God said to me some of the things you’ve said above. I also discovered I was being bated by the enemy and I WASN’T HAVIN’ THAT!! I spent the next 15 minutes in feverish, war-like prayer. Thank you, Sarah. As a woman with baggage in her past that has kept her from being fully emotionally available to her husband, this post and the spiritual fight that came from it showed me that I really am totally in love with my man and completely committed to him. I feel a connection with him like never before because I had to fight for him and our marriage yesterday. Thank you so much.
1) Invest time togehter our rule:
a) every day we start with prayer (we already have to get up early but we set the alarm even 15 more mitutes earlier) and we tell each other our day so we can during the day pray for each other and afterwards ask each other how things went.
b) Then we have a babysitter every wednesday and we have a date night together and we developed a shared hobby
c) one day a month we plan togehter (most of the time shopping because my husband likes that even more then I do!)
d) one weekend a year we’re away togheter
2) Falling in love is a dicision and one you have to make instantly when some one else attracks you or flirts with you
3) Never make long eye contact with the opposite sex
4) Share your thoughts and fantasy’s together
5) When some one else flirts with you we bring up our spouse or children (to scare them off!!)
I love the advice to stay focused on God and to stay found. Thank you Sarah (and Chad) for once again tackling the tough stuff and helping us stay on track!
Blessings, deb
Chad’s post is really interesting. I like seeing this from a guy’s point of view, and it’s refreshing to encounter a man who’s really trying to do the right thing.
this is SUCH a good post. both steve and i have had times of feeling attraction for other people and we’ve actually been able to talk about it and work through it together. i agree, it’s normal and natural to have those feelings–so how do we stay faithful. love this post. love your practical advice. love how God is using you. LOVE YOU!
THANK you lisa. this is so beautiful when it is practiced out in real life.
love you. =)
“Stay found…” So good, so true.
As a military couple with frequent and long separations, John and I find ourselves having to be especially vigilant. Without the daily connection, we have to exaggerate our precautions even more than we do when he’s not deployed. Because the attraction is natural, expected and SO EASILY develops into something more. Such good reminders, from both you and Chad today. Love seeing God work through you two… we love you guys.
Great post! Well, all your post are great! Stay true!
Where do I even begin? 3 years ago my husband had a full blown affair while I was pregnant. God worked wonders in his heart and mine and it has been 2 long years of really hard work. while we were working on healing, I became good friends with a man I worked with. It felt so good for a relationship to be easy and not have to work so hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband dearly and we were in weekly counseling but it was nice to have someone want my attention, flatter me and “click” with me. I thought it was fine because we NEVER talked about our spouses. I learned later that this is actually a really bad thing. When you don’t acknolwedge your spouse it is easier to live in a fantasy world where they don’t exist.
Long story short, we ended up going on a business trip together. We stayed up really late talking and engaging in intimate conversation. When we finally parted ways he, in a round about way, invited me to his room. I quickly realized what terriroty I had moved into and, by God’s grace, said no. I had an accountability partner that was texting me scripture all night and praying over me. She knew before I did that this relationship was wrong and that it was a danger.
When I got home I disclosed everything to my husband and we worked through this additional bump in the road with God and our counselor. One month later I found out I was pregnant. What a blessing this expected child has been to our family as we continue to heal and I am SO THANKFUL that God intervened and that I did not make the choice to take the invitation to that bedroom. I think all the time how horrible this pregnancy could have been, because of the timing, we would not have known if this was my husbands baby or that other man’s baby. God knew what I did not and has saved us from a devestating choice and allowed us to experience his grace and love.
To all of you who have commented-hang in there- my prayers are with you.
And Sarah- thank you as always- you bless my heart!
Any advice on dealing with the feelings of insecurity? I have been struggling with “what if he were to have an affair” even though my thoughts aren’t warranted. I’ve been praying.
How are the boundaries in your marriage? Do you tell each other EVERYTHING? If you agree on things like:
You know everything that goes on in each others days
You both know everyone you hang out with
You know each others passwords to everything
You can tell each other when something makes you uncomfortable and you stop doing it
You both can be totally honest with each other about everything and you put away time to make sure everything gets said
When we have these kinds of boundaries, it makes it easier to be trusting. Another thing, are these insecurities coming from somewhere else? Its usually a symptom of deeper issues in a relationship. If they are coming from a past relationship, or that you have seen someone close to you go through that, you should talk to a counsellor and your husband about it.
I love this post and the last one as well. Its so relieving to know that I am not the only who who feels tempted! I thought that it came easily to every couple to not feel attraction to anyone but their spouse. Therefore, I never talked about it. I just always felt guilty. I never really had a real affair with anyone, there have just been slip ups that where very much heading there. Like talking to my ex-boyfriend or continuing talking to an old friend who confessed how much he wished I had ended up with him instead. I ended all of these quickly but that fact that I ever started it was what mattered. It just felt so good for that short time to think that there are other people who are different that could want you too.
Just recently I looked at your post where you outlined your boundaries and I realized that my husband and I have the exact same ones! Sort of spoken and unspoken at the same time. When we first got together, I have almost all guy friends and all the contacts where guys. When my husband noticed this he felt very uncomfortable and asked me what I would be feeling if he where to be doing the same thing with women? That was quite the eye opener. That question is really how we laid out our boundaries. Would I like to see him texting with other women? Would I be very happy if we had a close friendship with another women? Not really. Even though we both trust each other, you just never know as I had learned before. It just so easy! So generally if I ever caught myself doing anything I think I wouldn’t like if he were to do, I don’t do it.
Sometimes it is SO hard to be honest with my husband when I am feeling attraction or thinking fantasy thoughts in the secrecy of my own mind. But we have a huge honesty and open communication policy and whenever I share he is always so glad it did and so understanding. It’s not usually even big things. Its usually small, tiny things that I want to pretend are a big deal. Whenever either one of us opens up about something that’s been going on, it usually sparks a wonderful and intimate conversation between us.
I always feel so close to him afterwards and so open before the Lord.
a mentor once told me you will have “crushes” on other men, even after your married. it’s true. there are always qualities others possess that cause one to have moments of attraction. however, i’m realizing that what i find attractive is the jesus in them, not them personally.
i have to take that and crush on my Savior.
in addition,communicating with my husband is key. i talk to him about everything. there are no secrets.
when thoughts or feelings are exposed, brought into the light, there is always clarity. what was in the dark exposes satan as the liar he is.
I’m an old, happily married woman. Many years ago I found myself at that friendship/emotional affair border with a coworker. I was surprised how strong it was, and how it didn’t really help to try to rid myself of it. What did break the emotional power was this: I told my husband about it–I confessed my sin to him. That wasn’t easy, it was embarrassing and humiliating. But, that was the end of it–the emotional attraction to the other guy disappeared.
Hi Sarah,
A friend sent me to your blog, because we both wrote about the same thing today, I like the way you wrote about this very important subject and will blogroll your site. Here is the link to the story I wrote if you are interested. God Bless you and yours
Jim Travis
http://blesseddad.wordpress.com/2010/04/18/an-innocent-lunch-date/
Thanks for tackling this. Great insights, worth reading and wrestling with.
I’m an old, happily married woman. Many years ago I found myself at that friendship/emotional affair border with a coworker. I was surprised how strong it was, and how it didn’t really help to try to rid myself of it. What did break the emotional power was this: I told my husband about it–I confessed my sin to him. That wasn’t easy, it was embarrassing and humiliating. But, that was the end of it–the emotional attraction to the other guy disappeared.