The Fine Line: Friendship vs. Emotional Affair

How DO you know the difference?

The line between a friendship and something more is razor thin. And maybe the only difference is ONE thought, ONE glance, ONE I-Wonder daydream.

I lived for a long time in a dangerous friendship without ever calling it an emotional affair.

This is how it went for me: We talked a LOT. We went to lunch or the gym together when my husband was not around, and we told him that we were hanging out. My husband knew we were close friends. We emailed, IMed, spent time on the phone talking about my husband (being that he was his best friend) and the problems we were having with our marriage.

And then there was my heart, my secret.

I didn’t want to admit to myself that I desired him, wanted him and felt conflicted about my own marriage. I didn’t want to admit that I would look for him in a crowd, that I dressed so that he would think I was pretty. I didn’t want to admit that I thought about him all. the. time.

And all of this before anything physical began.


And before either of us told the other how we felt. We didn’t need to.

Not every emotional affair morphs into a physical one. But many do. A physical affair begins in the heart before it ever moves to the bedroom.

There are hot co-workers, younger-than-you guys at church, really good looking dads at the elementary school. There might be the barista who remembers your name and smiles at you or the guy from high school who finds you on Facebook.  Maybe it’s a professional relationship, thoroughly justified in it’s function, or a partnership in a ministry. Maybe its simply the husband of your best friend.

So how do you determine if your friendship is actually an emotional affair?

1. You find yourself thinking about him.

2. His attention makes you feel good.

3. You compare him to your husband.

4. You look for ways to be with him or reasons to talk to him, even in groups.

5. You would be embarrassed if your husband heard your conversations.

6. You would be embarrassed if your husband knew your thoughts.

I believe many women are living with dangerous friendships disguised, even to themselves, as emotional affairs.

An emotional affair can also be one sided. It doesn’t need to be a mutual attraction.

Did that get your attention?

Even if he’s never said anything suggestive to me, even if he’s never outwardly flirted with me, even if he’s never told me he thinks about me. What matters is the condition of my own heart.

What about you? Have you ever had an emotional affair? Do you wonder if a friendship you have NOW is an emotional affair?

(please feel free to leave comments as ANONYMOUS if you’d like to be more open with your sharing)


  1. K says

    I have been dealing with what I think is an emotional affair between my husband and his subordinate’s wife. He keeps telling me they are/were (still are, not as much contact????) She told me they were just like brother and sister and we should all get together and hang out. I said that under no circumstances could we even possibly become friends.

    I believe that they are both in denial, are depressed, and possibly have many other issues going on……

    I was witness to extreme flirting between her and my husband at our house. My husband denies all of this along with me catching him about an inch from her face (both were drunk) and her saying “let’s just do it and get it over with” I don’t drink and he was yelling at me that I should have been drinking like her…..She told him her husband was lazy and didn’t do anything at home. (she is telling this to my husband, her husband’s boss this) I found out that there were over 7,000 texts between the two of them during just one month’s time. He would lie to me about who he was texting, and who he was on the phone with. He said later, that he didn’t tell me because he knew I would get mad. I did get mad, when I looked at the phone bill and saw her number that many times. Times when he said he was too busy to talk to me because of work……I asked what her husband thought about it and my H told me that her husband didn’t care, that way he didn’t have to talk to her that much…..I don’t think her husband knew what to do with her. She is bulimic and she admitted to being depressed. They had been fighting a lot……My H said since he was okay with it I should be too. I was not. I found out also they were sending pics back and forth (of what, I don’t know) All the texts along with my husband coming home from work every night, texting till he fell asleep around 7:00 and then going over to their house and not coming back until 11:00 or so at night. Then he would often say he was going running after that sometimes in the pouring rain for an hour or so. I would know when her husband wasn’t there, followed him a couple of times and watched him go into their house. I asked him to stop, he said they were just friends, but he would tell her to stop texting him……didn’t happen and I called her and told her that what they were doing was inappropriate, and her being a christian who always brags about how christian she is should know that what she was doing was wrong. I did not get a response from her, but I did get chewed out by my husband…….She texts him my every move when she sees me, accuses me of talking about her to my friends….

    My husband says that they are just friends…..I said I don’t feel like that is what is going on. He loaned her money, paid for her carpets to be cleaned, buys her food and groceries, babysits for her 3 kids, meets up with her for runs/walks, just happens to meet up with her accidentally all the time, He buys her starbucks all the time, there is also a computer and iphone purchase on one of our cards that I have yet to see the merchandise. He texted her on every date and outing we have had, over Christmas we were supposed to go on a date, he got mad at me for scheduling a date night, even though I had asked if he wanted to prior to scheduling….found out he promised to see her in a play at church, so guess where we went. I could either go with him or he would go alone…..I can’t believe a word he says. We have gotten into so much debt since he met her. atm withdraws 500-1000 every month with nothing to show for it. When she would call, I could hear her say ” I really need a new computer, or my phone is broken, or we can’t make our car payment they are going to repo it, or they are going to cut our phone service.” My 10 year old daughters keep asking me if daddy is going to leave me for her. and Will she be their new step mom. She is always trying to hug my daughters at school and embarrasses them. She hugged one of my daughters and told her “I wish you were mine”.

    I could go on and on. I need help………

    • Sarah Markley says

      Hi K.
      First of all, I’m so sorry that this is what is happening. I can only imagine your heartache, your fear and your extreme hurt at what your husband is doing.
      It sounds, to me, like more than an emotional affair. From what you are saying, it is at the very least an emotional attachment and at the most a full fledged physical affair. The kinds of things you describe can (many times) go hand in hand with a physical affair too.
      I would suggest that you immediately find a solid, licensed Christian marriage and family counselor and whether or not your husband will go with you, go at the least by yourself.
      When it comes to the debt thing, it becomes very worrisome on an additional level because your credit, your livelihood is tied to your husbands.
      I’m going to send you an email with a little more of my thoughts on this.
      I’m so so sorry, K. Sarah

  2. The right one says

    Tonight I need your prayers. My husband contacted the OW after months of no communication (this has been a two year deal). He knocked on her front door as they no longer work together. I thought he would never contact her again a few months ago after he was forbade from having contact with her at his work and promised me no contact. He said he was just stopping by to officially end it. He has officially ended it before or at least those were his words I heard. I could tell he has been agonizing over her for months. She shooed him away and now he feels used and hurt. He promised me this is it, he hates her. I have been the true one all along. He has been trying to be romatic. I have been trying to be the loving wife and just support him and move on but tonight I can not hold it in. I feel so hurt by his actions even though he has said sorry again. He said he would go to counseling and do whatever when I threatened to leave but tonight I can not pretend that I do not hurt, that I am moving on. Tonight, I do not want to snuggle. Tonight even though I know I want to work it out — I want to leave. I feel so raw and in pain. I don’t know what to do. I can not cry or he will get upset I am not moving on.

  3. The right one says

    Does anyone ever feel like it is okay to walk away from a spouse because of the damage of an EA, especially one that continues or that does not have full understanding?

    • Amy says

      I’m exactly here …wondering if I’m completely wrong in not being able to get passed the hurt he caused me. I just want him gone. But he has been my best friend since I was 14 years old…married on my 18th birthday. .now in another month is our 21st wedding anniversary. hurts so bad and to be honest, I actually can not imagine my life without him. ..but my heart aches daily. I’m so torn.

      • oona says

        Guys – pain – is not love. Simple. If this is what you feel, take responsibility for YOUR OWN feelings and get yourself somewhere and with people who do not make you feel pain. It does not matter whether they are or aren’t having an affair – what matters is how YOU feel and why you feel sacrificing and surpressing how you feel, will ever get you what you say you want – which is to feel loved and respected for your feelings.
        If you are being made to feel neglected and it makes you feel pain and your husband/ or wife does nothing to address this when you express it to them (within reason of course) then I believe you need to redress what you actually believe love is because its not neglect in my book or many others. Follow your gut. I’ve never seen a Rom com based on one partner neglecting the other and it succeeding happily. Men and women that have secret affairs of the mind or just secrets, do it secretly because they are cowards to actually be straight about who they really are and what their needs are because they know they would have to face the consequences if they were straight with you because you would finally be aware and unable to ignore that they are NOT treating you with love and respect.
        The same goes for you – you are hiding from them the full true extent of your needs in the hope that they will some day reward you for it and drop the other and choose you – I hope you are right however in your cases from what you are saying, I predict that you may actually be better off without them and loving yourself rather than ignoring your true selves and your needs – because no love can ever happen without you first respecting and loving yourself and putting your foot down on such shady unloving behaviour. Good luck. If you can’t love yourself – who will?

  4. lizzy says

    I found my husband had contacted his ex girlfriend on Facebook. The first thing I saw was that he only ever loved two women her and me. He gave her his workcel# and his comment was ‘its safer.’ They met in Michigan for ‘lunch’ while my husband was there taking care of our storage units, we now live in Washington. Text messages beyond belief. 5 hours a day, some 10am to 10pm and of course eastern time that’s 1am. Every time I look I find something. I came across a limerick she wrote to him and it was not nice. He is adamant they were just friends and he will not admit it was anything else. Oh by the way, this has been glong on for 2 years. I am pretty upset and devastated. I was just diagnosed with a chronic health condition and these past few years her has been very disconnected. My question is, everything I know I found out. He has offered no additional info. How do i get him to stop being so defensive and open up. Its so obvious what it was, why can’t he man up and be truthful? How do i get to the truth.

    • kim says

      in answer to your direct question that started, “how do I get him…. My answer, that comes from a divorced woman used to be bitter now is better, is–you don’t. When you want to dive into my answer, which from the Bible, there are many great resources available. The ones I chose were truly God-sent and are from the New Life Live Radio program. Steve Autburn being the host. These helped save me….

    • kay says

      I am coming out of this very thing after over 3 years of hell with husband became unrecognizable to me. The lies. The fights. Most of all the pain I endured from him protecting her. It was unbearable. I shut down. I realized they are cut from the same cloth. No respect, no accountability. Shallow, superficial, childish, sickening. I contacted her, she threw him under the bus, like a cockroach scatters when you turn the lights on them. I then contacted her husband. I left nothing out. The bad part about that is I didnt realize it would not give me closure because I needed my husband to end it, not me. I needed him to tell that bitch, what she cost him, what their relationship cost him.He’s suffering now, Badly. It will be sometime before I can if ever trust him again. Ive found new independence, and a whole new beauty within myself. I sense a jealousy in him about that. I didnt wither, I rose like a flame. You need to do the same. Do not ever allow anyone to take your dignity. NO ONE EVER!!!!! As Shakespeare wrote, My Mistresses eyes are nothing lie the sun. A man will find beauty in the woman he loves always because the external is but a shell for her heart and soul . The heart and soul is what loves, not your hair or your eyes, mouth or anything external. Love is in the soul. Period.

      • Lara says

        Kay, how did you rise up and out of this. I’ve been married 35 years, my husbands mental affair has been going on for three years. I knew the summer he hired her I was in trouble. They became best buds. He’s made me feel crazy. Please tell me how you found your independence and your own beauty. I am struggling to get out of my bed on days where I hear her name. .He doesn’t want to fire her he says he needs her. She’s young she’s cute, she’s skinny, she’s smart, and yup you guessed it my self esteem is trashed. Please help me, this is not the man I married, and this is not who I am. I would never of stayed in a relationship like this 10 years ago. What happened to my self worth? He gave away my best friend, he gave away our secrets, he excluded me for three years and now…now he wants me back. But I’m not sure I can ever get over this especially with her still in the picture. Why can I not listen to my inner wisdom? I love him so much but I hate what he has done to me! It’s not fair to him or me! I do not know what I’m suppose to do!

  5. Jay says

    If you two are in a church, ask the pastor or an elder to intervene. If they are unwilling, consider asking a counselor to guide you in setting up an intervention. If not that, tell him to leave the house until he decides what he wants. Don’t comprise and no sex with him. You have to be willing to let him feel he has lost you over this. It may take more time than you want it to. Be in a good church and surround yourself with safe and godly women who will be your support. Assemble the evidence if you can.

  6. Lost... says

    So, Ive been married for 3yrs now about 2 years ago I found a letter my husband had written to “his one that got away” he at the time that the letter was written was dating his ex-gf/fiancee [dont know that story dont want to, lol] any who in that letter he confessed that although he loved his current gf/fiancee he was in love with J [the one who got away]. Well of course I was a bit mad because well I was married to someone who didnt exactly cheat physically but was hung up on this girl still. The J didnt want anything to do with him years back and still didnt want anything to do with him at the time of the letter. So that happened, about a year ago we moved to his hometown where she is at and I later found out he contacted her via FB[evil] not to mention that he knows all her family and is in contact with all of them. So I was mad about that and brought it up he made me feel bad because he said that he felt like an ass because now that family thinks that he believes hes too good for them [who cares??!!! I dont] So he works about an hour away from where we live, turns out that HER brother goes to school there, I then found out that they have been hanging out and he was bringing him lunch and asking about his sister J [really, wtf!?] I again brought this to his attention again he got mad… Time passed, we wemt Christmas shopping one day and I decided to get my eyebrows done noticed he was texting then all of a sudden he tells me hey looks go upstairs theres someone I want you to meet. In the back of my mind I knew who it was but I went, so yes it was J and her whole family, he did this knowing that I did not desire not type of contact nor connection to this female, I was very angry but somehow I turned out to be the bad guy that, I of course was not rude to the people but I DID WALK AWAY after the intros. The next time we ran into these people at a restaurant, he immediately walked over to say Hi and took my son to meet them all, I stayed away waved from far away and kept walking [take a hint]. My husband had the great idea of telling me that he would want me to meet her family and have dinner, I exploded and put it all out there. So that was the last time I saw or heard of them. So now Easter Sunday his aunt ran into these people at church, the aunt not knowing who these people were and somehow her name J came up and the aunt had an immediate reaction Oh “THE J” [im telling you he has/had a huge thing for her and everyone knows] so any who they had a conversation and apparently all her family loves my husband. So my husband on monday tells me oh hey J messaged me on FB we talked for a bit on the phone [trying not to let him see how insanely angry i was] I kept calm and was thats nice, he then said oh yeah shes dating so and so asked about you and the baby blah blah blah [I was super mad at this point, why would you talk to her about ME and our son, I dont want her knowing about us at all, i dont care i just dont want her knowing about my life period] Ugh, so one night I decided to check his FB huge mistake of my part I dont do this or go through his phone its just bad news waiting to happen, I got into this facebook which btw his password to mostly everything is her name, which may or may not be true because his cousin who died a few years ago has the same name and thats his reason for why his passwords are all the same, any who saw the message she sent: So you have been on my mind a lot lately and guess who I ran into!? Your Aunt. She has been coming to church. We had talked a couple times and didn’t realize who each other was. Easter we were talking and she mentioned that the d lady was her sister. I said ‘s?’ So it came out that I knew you. Then my grandpa comes into the conversation and says “wait! Our [my hubby’s name]?!?” so I told your aunt to tell you I said hi when she saw you. I told her my name and she said “your not The J, are you?” It was an interesting way to meet her again. But how have you been? Heard you got of the year. That’s awesome! Congrats! The family good? your wife? your son?
    It would be great to hear from you.

    [her phone number here]

    I was very mad, I believe that the first statement made was very inappropriate given the history.

    Sadly I am so full of anger, I dont think right when Im angry, not in a physical kind of hate towards this female. I dont want to be her friend or my husband have contact with her because I am a strong believer that Emotional Cheating is far way worse than Physical, just my way of thinking. Im so frustrated Ive had this on my mind a lot lately. My husband isnt stupid he didnt call her on his phone so I have no clue how long they did talk and what they talked about, Im just so angry and hurt Im a mess, when I want to cry because Im hurt my anger overpowers that feelings, I dont like feeling this way. Like I said I dont think right when Im angry and Im afraid that in one of those moments I will just say hey well its over. Just because Im that type of person, he knows how I feel about this female. Im going a bit crazy here with all kinds of thoughts.

    • says

      This sounds like very fertile ground for a full-blown emotional affair. Right now, it sounds like they are just being friendly but it could quickly turn into something ugly. Seems like he has some crush from the past and if she is showing interest at this point, his pride could really take him down. I would ask for him not to contact her or the family. Just my two cents though.

  7. cecile says

    I am glad I found you. I am in huge guilt, anger and pain after I said a hurried and abrupt good bye to a man who apparently had a crash on me. Although I know I have done the right thing, I feel still miserable and in wanting to see him again.
    I am a very conservative stay- home – mom. Christian, as well. And I’ve never imagined anything like this would happen in my life!
    Two months ago, I started to work out at a gym with a private instructor. He was a married man and he knew I was married ,too. But after only a few training with him, there started an undeniable chemistry between us. He said I was beautiful and asked me to go out for lunch, But I didn’t take it seriously, took only as a joke until he stated to text me., saying he cared about me. ( didn’t say ‘ care for’. but I knew what he meant.). I ended with him right away and never saw him after. After all, my wanting to stand in front of my God blamelessly prompted to end my relationship in that clear cut manner.
    The problem is my feelings for him seems only intensifies after. Everyday, I regret that I acted out perfectly as a perfectly straight woman.. Everyday, I tell myself I should have had those enchanting moments a little bit longer and could have said good bye in a more memorable way. In short, I am agonizing even a month after I ended with him.
    After all, all of these made me look into my marriage. My husband is a serious alcoholic, very introvert , very temperament , has anger problem, lacks of social skill and, as a result, we are living quietly, with almost no friend.. I tried to get him into my church and he refused. I almost became callous to his binge drinking and to his secluded life style.. It is hard to hold onto hope for any change after 25 years of marriage with the same problems.
    I know he will not going to go to any counseling. He is not the type. The worst thing is that, for him, I am the only one to turn to. He have only one or two, just to drink together. My husband do not take me there when he meets with him to drink, because it is just for drinking, not for social.
    I really am trying to put everything on God’s hand and be strong . Please pray for me for not to be bitter with my marriage ,to really forget about the fitness instructor and Holy spirit would ;truly work in my family.

    • says

      You did the right thing but cutting it off. Time will heal your feelings and you’ll be glad you did. Let God heal your broken places where your husband is seemingly lacking. He loves you, desires you and sees your pain. I know attention feels good from another man but it’s only fleeting and eventually will bring pain.

      • cecile says

        Thanks, Sara. As I share my pretty awkward experience here, some of my negative feelings including shame, guilt, and helplessness seem to be eased a little bit. I feel like I can let the things go and not letting it holding onto me anymore.
        I know the spouse’s flaws do not justify the other’s infidelity, even if the infidelity is only in his/ her thinking.. Thanks for letting me share my awkward experience here, again!

    • kay says

      He is MARRIED!!!! He belongs to someone else. So do you. Get over it. Dont throw your whole life away for something that will end in a flash once it gets physical. Your little fantasy is just that. Fantasy. Show some respect to your spouse, his spouse and most of all, show self respect. Honor your marriage and honor God by staying true to your family.If you want to end your marriage, and he is in full blown addiction with no desire to change, get out. But do it for that reason, and nothing more. The l;likelihood of you and the gym guy having a future is pretty far fetched. Do it for you. But do it soon.You cant fix an alcoholic. Only they can.

  8. Em says

    I’ve read these heartbreaking stories, and relived some of my experiences (this time without the hurt, as my husband’s emotional affair was well over 12 years ago!!). However, I find myself in the same place, as my partner of two years has had an emotional affair. I found several texts between him and his now “new girl”… Experience, time, wisdom does not make it hurt any less!!! Sadly, I sometimes wish I hadn’t gone through his phone…
    I applaud all the women who have shared their stories and wish you peace and strength! God Bless!
    ps – I’d love to hear any follow up…. Lost – how have you been?

    • Mello says

      I was interested to read you also have been in the situation of your old partner having an EM and also your new partner. Me too. My partner of 10 years started the first of 4 EMs in about year 4 of our relationship and the final one ended in a full blown sexual affair. Only with a leap of extreme faith was I able to trust and marry again. Now my husband of 7 years has met a lady at work and today is day 6 of me finding out he has a very involved and close friendship with this lady, knows everything about her (jokingly I asked what did she have for lunch yesterday and he actually knew because he shared his lunch with her), and has admitted his feelings for her to me. They have just begun a new cause together to combat female infanticide and he is also involved in her theatre group. Needless to say, he is at her house until 2-3am at least two times a week and works with her and when he isn’t with her he is skyping or texting her. I have asked him to limit his contact with her until he has decided what he wants to do but he has not changed a thing, and it has been a week. On one hand I love him and am loyal to him and want to work it out, on the other I want him to leave because he has not shown one bit of loyalty to me. I’m devastated and my entire world has been destroyed. Not sure I can ever trust anyone again, and especially him. My easy way out would be to just end it with him and give up. He says leaving would be the hard option for him. I just don’t know how to do any of this, and i don’t know what to do.

      • Missy says

        You need to give him an ultimatum; he needs to stop ALL contact with her immediately. I realize that they work together but all unnecessary contact must stop.
        1. Pray and ask God to end the relationship between your husband and the woman.
        2. Seek immediate Christian counseling.
        3. Read as much good information on emotional affairs;,
        4. I personally would contact the woman and ask her to stop her inappropriate behavior with your husband.
        5. Realize that an emotional affair is infidelity and can destroy your marriage.

  9. Lilly says

    I feel so ashamed and confused right now. I suspect that an emotional affair might recently been started, although I couldn’t be sure. I’ve been happily married for over a year, and this man was a widowed leader from church, who is 20 years older than me. We enjoyed conversations about life, music and faith and he seems very interested in what I do and say. Whenever I talk to him, I’d feel spoiled for attention. I thought to myself, it’s not possible to develop inappropriate feelings towards a man of his age, and the only logical explanation is that I miss my dad (who has disowned me) and in my heart I’m still desiring for a father figure to love me. But, as the friendship progresses, I’m starting to feel an emotional attachment, and couldn’t stop thinking about him. It’s like burying a secret inside of me, creating an invisible wall between me and my unsuspecting husband. I don’t want to tell him but I don’t know what to do to make things okay… It’s slowly killing me day by day.

  10. Bumble Bee says

    I believe I was in the beginnings of an emotional affair.

    I met a man that is in a declining serious relationship with another woman. I did not know that when we first met. Everything went smoothly until my intuition would not allow me to sleep. So I probed until he told me the truth. It came out, but for some reason I was not upset. Besides the fact that he lied about his relationship status, we had a great rapport with each other. In fact, regardless of his status, we were simply friends (attracted to one another, but), figuring each other out.

    But soon I felt the pressure of being his comfort whenever things started getting sour with is girlfriend. That’s when I realized that I had more feelings for him than I thought. The thought of him coming to me (whenever they argued) then going back to her (whenever she needed him), drove me vex. I didn’t want to present an ultimatum, because people aren’t really smitten with those. So I just decided to quit him.

    I told him that I recently (at the time) committed to a serious relationship, and that I needed him to take that into consideration. I did it that way because I respect the fact he told me the truth (most people will lie until the world implodes on itself); that is brave and I didn’t want to come off as if I was “punishing” him for his situation. Also, I revere the kind of friendship we began to establish, so I concluded the chapter with an open-ending.

    Anyways… I felt it! It is so easy to fall into an emotional affair because the feelings are definitely real. But what helped me to decide to go is the image of me sleeping in his bed, in the spot she just woke up from. It may sound dramatic, but it is exactly like that. I don’t share my underwear, so I won’t share my man. And everyone deserves a chance to establish love (whether platonic or romantic) freely, no strings attached.

    Thanks for listening. :-)

  11. Bumble Bee says

    I believe I was in the beginnings of an emotional affair. But I got out quickly.

    I met a man that was in a declining serious relationship with another woman. I did not know that fact when we first met. Everything went smoothly until my intuition would not allow me to sleep. So I probed until he told me the truth. When he told me the truth, for some reason, I was not upset. Besides the fact that he lied about his relationship status, we had a great rapport with each other. I told myself, “We’re simply friends, figuring each other out.”

    Gradually, I felt more and more pressure of being his comfort whenever things went sour with is girlfriend. He would came to my house and seek my advice & refuge. (Still everything remained rated G). That’s when I realized that I had more feelings for him than I thought. The thought of him coming to me (whenever they argued) then going back to her (whenever she needed him), drove me vex, so I knew I had to do something about it.

    I didn’t want to present an ultimatum, because people aren’t really smitten with those. So I just decided to quit him.

    I told him that I recently (at the time) committed to a serious relationship, and that I needed him to take that into consideration. I did it this way because I respect the fact he told me the truth (most people will lie until the world implodes on them); I feel that was brave and I didn’t want to come off as if I was “punishing” him for his situation. Also, I revere the kind of friendship we began to establish, besides the initial desire to keep his other relationship a secret, we had great times together. …I choose to concluded the chapter with an open-ending.

    Needless to say… I felt it! It is so easy to fall into an emotional affair (because the feelings are definitely real and you may really want to be with the person), but what helped me to decide to leave is the image of me sleeping next to him, in the spot she just woke up from. …It may sound dramatic, but not having a total experience with someone is exactly like that analogy. I don’t share my underwear, so I won’t share my love. And everyone deserves a chance to establish love (whether platonic or romantic) freely, without any strings attached.

    Thanks for listening. :-)

  12. Damit says

    Hi – I discovered my wife’s EA (or so she says it only was) through a facebook message that was sent by the OM’s wife to me. i was devastated at the discovery and at the reaction by my wife (or so i think she still is). bottomline, it has been 5 months, she says they have stopped meeting and talking however i know they have been writing emails to each other. few days ago i confronted her and told her i have read some of those emails and whether she thinks we have a future. she goes totally silent, abruptly says she is just living each day. i discovered a few text messages from two days ago just now and i think my confrontation has only emboldened her. btw, we have two lovely kids 10 and 7 and if i let her live her life happily, i have no doubt that my children and all that we have built by way of household assets will be at risk and mercy of her “friend” which is something i am not prepared for. what should i do?

  13. JV says

    Sarah, This is a great topic, but I noticed most of the responses are from the “cheated on”, not the people in the affairs. The questions you asked were geared toward them. I am wondering if your requirement to leave your email address is keeping folks from answering. I would like to hear more from the people actually in the affairs.

  14. Master Ravi says

    I met this girl 9 months back. Actually she joined the company with me only and we were together during our training, but we never interacted. Nine months back we interacted on some work related issue. After that she started calling me after office hours and late night. After 2-3 months she got transferred to some other places distant from my place of work. She has a BF and they live at same place but not together. But she never talk to his BF. She always talked to me on phone for each and every thing, we sleep together, we wake up together in the morning,we do a lots of messaging, we do video chatting. Almost we live together on phone after office hours. Many times i tried to leave her but she did not let me do. She told me that she will not leave me and will not let me leave her. She loves her BF and cant leave her and she insist that we r just friend and good friend. I dont know in which type of relation i m, please help me i dont know wht to do next.

  15. says

    I fell in love with a boy when I was 15. He we wasn’t interested in me romantically but we were best friends. He called me all the time. We hung out a lot. When I was 18 we had a physical relationship for about 6 months. I ended it after a night of feeling used instead of loved. We never contacted one another again. Shortly after that I started dating my husband. Three years later we got married. We’ve been married for 10 years. I am still involved in an emotional affair with the boy I fell in love with at 15. I never talk to him. I never see him. But he’s always there. Why? And what else can I do?

  16. Miki says

    Well My story is a bit different from all of you,I just started integration course which length is 6 month…And in Class I’m quiet close with guys and girls pretty open as friend if they need help with paper work translation,and in class there is a guy also who learns with me and he has terrible pronunciation with and a bit struggle understanding gramma so I helping him in class we all spend 5 hours a day and we talk with him just because my english is on same level as his as most of others are russians and for indian guy is hard to be in such group so I’m being his translator and also we have tea brakes I make tea for at least for al class he gets me a fruit sort of friends nothing tense all the talks end up in end of class ,But his wife started to suspect me and blame me in a EA … she even started email me because she is a curator of our class so she knows all the details when in my country talking to a married man is okey just not touch a spicy or flirty topics for imagination … But I just can’t wait for july when all this course of german will ends just to send them both far away with they insane possessiveness…

    • Miki says

      So I don’t really got the difference between good helping friends to an EA if can actually suggest me what to do ? Couse I just cant wait to send them both to the moon … Becouse I don’t interested in him or his troubles with his five … Only what is with learning process that is important for me and don’t like to be blamed for what I didn’t done…. And his wife was just getting on my nervs after first talk I was avoiding him and still do … its gone wors she still facebooking me so….. And it just apeard her suspicoisness from what teacher presented her as a sort of chemistry and cheating ….. Which is false from begining ….

  17. Felicia says

    I am a camp wife, my husband is gone for 21 days at a time, while he’s over there he always updates his Facebook about how he misses me and the kids. Anyway we don’t get to talk much he works 8-10 hour shifts.
    This one day he sent me a random text which I knew wasn’t meant for me it said …”lol” but we weren’t texting, I said what’s that about, he said oh it’s for my friend.
    I never really doubted him or felt insecure about his friend, but I just felt something was up. So I go on our mobility account, and there were so many texts between him and a certain number. The last text between them were at like 3 or 4 in the morning. They texted the whole evening before that. The last time I texted with him was at 8 in the evening and he said he was so tired he can barely keep his eyes open. So I called him and asked who’s number that was and he said oh it’s my friend so and so, which wasn’t even the friend I knew about.
    He swears its nothing but a friendship. And I said well it hurts me that I’m not the last person you talk to when you go to bed and you text this woman way more than you text me. He keeps swearing all they did was text and its purely just friendship. I believe it was just texting, but I also believe that they were building a connection.
    I feel so hurt.

  18. Annie says

    I need your prayers. I’ve found I’m so prone to being attracted to other men, My husband loves me so much, but I am almost constantly thinking about other men, often sexual fantasies are included.

  19. Dee says

    Hi, I have been married for eight & half years and our’s is a long distance marriage where we visit each other twice in a year. Whenever I visit his place, I can’t help but notice his friendships are barging into my space (not just women his age, but old people, men, their wives & children). I used to think that maybe I’m focusing too much on it and then comforted myself into thinking that it’s all temporary. But as & when he moved to new places (his job requires him to move from one place to another every few years) he would make new friends who turn into family within no time.

    This time when I had visited him (with my children), I noticed that he is more loving & caring for his friend’s children than our own. No I’m no paranoid. We visited a beach and instead of being with my children to safe-guard their physical safety in the waters, he chose to be with his friend’s daughter (who is a swimmer herself and much much older than my children). I had rushed into the waters to pull my younger toddler out, while my husband was still playing with this girl two feet away from my child. It hurt me deeply, when even an animal would rush to safe-guard its child, my husband chose to ignore his presence & the possible danger of being washed away into the ocean.

    When I told him that this intimacy with people is hurting me since I see it as emotional affairs, he said I could be probably jealous that those people make him happier than I do. Maybe I’m jealous that he spends more time with his friends & their families, cares for & loves their children, mingles with the women folk and chooses to spend his weekends with them instead of video chatting with us.

    But is it jealousy on my part or emotional infidelity on his?

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    Therefore, knowing how you feel I have revealed a few secret
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  22. Martha says

    There is one single thing that I would like to share. I wish I had known that at the time of my husband’s emotional affair. Empty the refrigerator, remove soap, schedule electric to be turned off a week in advance, take kids, dogs, cats, pack at the morning, buy new cell phone, leave yours at home, leave for a week without a note. Best, do not go to your parents, friends, but a church member, old school friend, tell your parents after you get there. No explanation. Supposedly that is a wakeup call – “what can I lose if I continue”.

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  24. Joanne says

    Wow, I didn’t even realize that the emotional affair can be one sided as I got into one and didn’t even realize it was, it seemed like merely a crush. but instead of it being mutual, it pushed him into withdrawing and no longer smiling at me and looking at me the way he had…. it had made me feel giddy and the adrenaline go up but I didn’t realize how deep I was emotionally involved until I got to a point that I thought I could not detach from the person or the place. It took me 5 1/2 months to finally tell myself I needed the “break.” It was at this point, I realized I COULD break away… but not until I got to that point. I owe it to God that he found a way for me to remove myself from the situation that got so bad and tense. The OPPOSITE of what most would think is an emotional affair. I won’t know his side of how he deals with it but I think a couple things came from it… I became a killjoy and killed his happy spirit & influenced him to change his physical looks. Nobody else would believe t,hat’s why he changed his physical appearance a tiny bit, but I know in my heart, it was HIS way of saying HE was ready to move on.

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  26. anonymous says

    i believe i went through this.. meeting him finding something in common. he made me feel that something between us was unresovled. he was very open in saying he recognizes im off limits since im already comitted and i appreciate that. i guess i fooled myself into thinking i could dampen what i assume was a mutual attraction by keeping closer to him rather than pulling away.

    i have now distanced myself from him, which our friends find odd. but i have explained this to them and admitted that i may have given more emotional investment in this than he was so im backing off to save whats left of me and let him pursue his own goals without me.

    it would have been easier if it was a sexual affair but there it is and it was. the key to all this is resolve and realizing things before it crumbles.

  27. Heidi says

    This isn’t about me having the emotional affair, it’s my boyfriend of 10 years. Even though it was a women having the emotional affair. The actions are the same; talking all the time, spending time together ext. The person my BF was/is? Spending time with was our mutual friend. The flirting, texting, calls, going to her house at lunch, whenever she needed something he jumped, whether it be needing something fixed, or a ride somewhere. This went on from the end of 2011-2012, NEVER in a year and a half did he ever tell her NO… He was there for her no matter what. I confronted them together, and separately. The first time we all talked they both apologized they said they didn’t realize that texting each other sexual comments bothered me. The promised it would stop. It never did, I confronted them again…NOW it was all my fault, I’m insecure and I over think everything, I read, hear, and see what I want to read, hear, and see. Now calls and texts are being deleted. On my birthday he went to her house to help her look at a car at 1030am. I went over there around 330pm and my kids were suppose to come over to my house at 530pm, so I left…half way home my kids called and said they couldn’t come over. I called my BF and said the girls are not coming over. Needless to say I spent my bray alone he didn’t come home from her house tell 1030pm. I could go on and on. I don’t know what to do. I repeat certain things over and over in my head that happened over a year ago. I just can’t get over it. Never ever have either of them just stopped what they were doing whether they felt they had done nothing wrong or not just out of respect for me…someone they both said they love and care about. I’m still with him and she still pops up every now and again and has moved to a new house that is exactly 3 min from my BF work. I hate her with a passion and apart of me hates him.

    • says

      Get out. Leave him. There are times when I wished I had just left my husband of 24 years after finding out about his “friend” that I never knew about. He still does not realize how much damage he has done and continues to do to our marriage.

  28. JENNET says

    I have to share my testimony to the world because i don’t know who it might be helpful to.

    My name is Mrs jennet from Chicago am 25 years old i got married at the age of 23 i have only one child and i was living happily .After one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i don’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman i love him so much that i never dream’s of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail, i cry and cry seeking for help, i discussed it with my best friend Allix and she promise to help me. She told me of a man called DR LAWAL KERIM, she told me he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot solve and she told me how he has help countless number of people in restoring their relationship. I was really convince, I quickly contacted his email address at . I explain all my problem to him, he told me that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3days my husband will come back to me and start begging, and it really happen as he said, i was very surprise, this is so amazing.

    To God be the glory our relationship is now very tight and we both live happily again. If you having similar problem, Contact him now( or call is mobile number +2347061066172, and get your problem solve once and for all. i am a living testimony to it.

    1) If you want your ex back.
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
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    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
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    once again the email address is contact him immediately.

  29. sona says

    I m passing through some different stage of my life, i know him since from last nine years. i liked him, since from that time, but after knowing that he is married i never think about him, we were in contact through occasional mails . now im also married having a sweet kid, But last year he call me on my birthday.. and then we had regular talk once in 15 days then in week but now we talk once in a day. Getting involved both of us. We have not committed but we know that we r in love. we have mutual understanding, we dont want to disturb our married life, but still want to talk, want to meet. What u will suggest on this…,

    • Jay says

      Look up the term “limerence” in the dictionary or WikiPedia. What you are experiencing feels like love. I know you are convinced of that. I have been there.

      Your contact has increased. You both say you have a mutual understanding. It will only progress from where it is, and you will feel occasional moments of clarity and deep shame. You will justify your actions because you are convinced it is love. It will continue to progress. I have been there.

      The most difficult thing to do is eliminate any contact and decide to grieve the loss. This is what you must do. This is an act of love toward your spouse, and if you have kids, to them. Limerence fools us into thinking the feelings are love. They are not. The feelings only lead to deceit and untold damage in your life and marriage. I have been there.

      You asked for a suggestion in your last sentence. RUN!

  30. Anonymus23 says

    So i dated a guy in HS for half a year, he abruptly broke up with me due to stress in his family. We didn’t talk for 3 yrs after until we briefly ran into each other at a party. We hung out after for a while and held each other but never said how we felt dams we both had boyfriend/girlfriend at the time. Then no contact for 25 yrs when he messages me on FB. I initially didn’t reply afraid of what my reaction might be bit after his second msg I replied and thought what the heck. He wanted to catchup, we did some random messages here and there that led to reminiscing. He mentioned a band that always reminds him of me when he hears it. Then few wks later brings up a field trip we took. Then says he should’ve treat me better. Says ideally he’d like to meet to talk. So we meet a month later and he explains what was going on back then, asks me about my relationship with husband which i glossed over that it wasn’t easy, he never mentioned his relationship and no photos on FB but he seems extremely into his kids who seem great, he says he’s glad we reconnected, gives me a tight hug. Then msgs that I look great and looks forward to meeting again. The problem is we are both married. He is a super nice guy and very honorable so I don’t think he would ever consider an affair and I don’t plan on leaving my family. I’m not that happy in my relationship but have health reasons of my spouses that i am loyal to the commitment. So we have met twice but last time he seemed nervous and trying to slightly impress me with business stuff. He kept wringing his hands too. But his hug was rushed, he had short time that day so prob why. But again was talking about another place to eat next time. Then he goes for 2 weeks with nothing, but msgs me at midnight asking why I’m up so late. Basic conversation stuff back and forth catching up. Says he looks forward to talking more but then nothing for a week or two. But he immediately likes all my FB posts of pics, uses my name in texts a good bit, uses smiley face emoticons. I’m wondering if he has feelings too but we both are afraid to admit it because of losing our new friendship and that we both don’t want to be cheaters because we are not like that. He is also very into his chirch. I just feel like there has always been an unspoken pull to him that I can’t even explain as I don’t know everything about him anymore. I can’t tell if he feels some of this too or not. Mixed signals because of our spouses. We have always had bad timing and have always been afraid to tell him how I feel. If i had back in college things would maybe be different. Help me with mixed signals from a married ex.

  31. livewell2014 says

    Let me tell you about my story.A few years ago my former husband had an emotional affair with this older women. I felt like it was three of us connected together. This woman did all that she can to be friends with my now ex-husband. I told her to cut ties with him and she didn’t and my ex just let her continue to pursue that unclean relationship. I was labeled as being emotionally unstable but I knew in my heart that it was wrong. I had to bear this other woman being emotionally connected to him. At that time I had loved him but i was very hurt and devastated.I was alone by myself dealing with this unbearable pain so I know that feeling of when a third party comes between what GOD has put sacred..At that time he wanted to divorce me because i wasn’t giving him any leverage to have female relationships. Looking back now I just thank GOD for getting me out of that awful marriage. I had forgiven him and the woman but yes emotional affairs are very serious and painful. I pray that GOD restores all broken hearts.

  32. livewell2014 says

    Let me tell you about my story .10 years ago my former husband had an emotional affair with this older women. I felt like it was three of us connected together. This woman did all that she can to be friends with my now ex-husband. I told her to cut ties with him and she didn’t and my ex just let her continue to pursue that unclean relationship. I was labeled as being emotionally unstable but I knew in my heart that it was wrong. I had to bear this other woman being emotionally connected to him. At that time I had loved him but i was very hurt and devastated.I was alone by myself dealing with this unbearable pain so I know that feeling of when a third party comes between what GOD has put sacred..At that time he wanted to divorce me because i wasn’t giving him any leverage to have female relationships. Looking back now I just thank GOD for getting me out of that awful marriage. I had forgiven him and the woman but yes emotional affairs are very serious and painful. I pray that GOD restores all broken hearts.

  33. Kim says

    My husband of 10 years, is 42. He decided to return to college to pursue a career in culinary. (to enhance our wedding decor business). I fully support this decision, and we have a great marriage. WE communicate well, and we spend most of our time together, we get along great!
    After a few weeks of school he had become friends with one guy and one girl. This girl is 27 and in a relationship. I have been aware of the friendship, it is more of a school thing, they work together in groups and help each other with school work. They sometimes text outside of school, but never hang out outside of school. My husband has been pretty open about it all, especially since I have been jealous and bothered about it, This is usually not like me, but you must understand, my husband is a quiet guy and only has 2 close male friends, so a female friend is something new.
    He knows my feelings, and tells me they are just friends, and understands how I feel. (my first marriage fell apart after my husband became great friends with a co-worker and ended up having an affair) so I do have issues.
    I told him I thought she was into him…she always complained how her boyfriend was not nice like him. She would gaze at him when I was around. She ended up breaking up with him after 6 years, and leaned on my hubby for support. I had told him to be careful as I thought she was into him, but again he said they were just friends, and he did tell her he was happily married and he needed to be sure she knew that and he could only be school friends.
    Anyway, she ended up wanting to move (she lives an hour from school) and asked my hubby if she could crash with us for a few months…obviously I lost it and told him that was ridiculous, as he knew, but still for her to ask.. only knowing him for 2 months, and not asking any of her “new” friends was odd.
    After she was told it was inappropriate to ask to live with us (by hubby) she made amends with her boyfriend and moved back in with him..Still complaining to hubby how she was unhappy and depressed.
    Also, I should add, she always called him darlin’ and when talking or saying goodbye for the day,would always touch his arm etc.
    Anyway, they remained friends and little things like this would happen, and I know she made him feel special, kind of an ego thing. I kept getting this feeling, and he started to put her feelings and needs first..nothing bad, but still not meeting my needs of jealousy and crossing the line.. The other week, he finally admitted that he felt a closeness around her, and it was not right and he did not want to damage the marriage so he sent her a message explaining this, that he had to end the friendship and work on his marriage. I respect him for this, and for knowing the difference, however, I still feel betrayed even tho it was not physical or anything.
    This all happened last Thursday, and today is their first day back at school and the start to exams. This woman, has made arrangements to write all exams at a different time to avoid my husband, which is great for me. My question is, if she says this came as a surprise to her and is very upsetting to her, as they were just friends, and she feels the need to keep her distance and completely avoid him,,, is she just being nice, or perhaps did she want more from him?
    Her and I did become friends, but she is just being weird about it all, I mean we are all adults here, get over it and move on right?…but to even suggest that she has to quit school because of this I think she is over reacting…

  34. Lisa says

    I have been involved with what I think is an emotional affair with my male co-worker. I am in an admin role and he is one of the 15 people I provide support to. He actually has to walk by my desk for coffee and photocopier/printer. I think this is how this started. He started stopping by my desk and chatting, from there we started going to lunch, just the two of us. 2 weeks later I noticed he started dressing up more for work. He went on holidays last week and it dawned on me something was up when I missed him. Thought about him a lot outside work. I feel so ashamed. We are both married with small children. He came back from holidays very distant, like he read my mind! I ran out for lunch making myself unavailable but noticed afterward he brought lunch from home 1st time in weeks. I don’t know how this all happened. All I wanted was his friendship but has since gotten out of control. The distance is killing me. I enjoy talking with him. Should I speak to him about this? I want him to know I didn’t plan this and want to assure him that we won’t let anything happen because I love my child and husband as I know he loves his family also! I just feel so horrible about the whole thing.

    • anonymous says

      We need to remind ourselves that God is NOT kidding when He says that “our hearts are desperately wicked above all things- who can know it?” Basically, we can sometimes forget that we are imbued with a sin nature that taints everything we do. That is the wonder of Jesus dying for us, the marvel of grace we don’t deserve. I have to remind myself of this all the time that I am pretty darn good at justifying my actions and attitudes and can find a lot of Scripture to act as smoke and mirrors. I may fool others, I may even fool myself- but God sees my heart. All that to say, it sounds reasonable and even good to confess that you like talking to this man and to even reassure him that you love your family and respect the love he has for his. However, don’t fool yourself. Run away and thank God that your eyes were opened as to your inner feelings and that this man also has put on the brakes (probably his wife smelled something rancid about your lunches together and gave him a wake up call). Instead of feeling horrible, just confess it and be thankful- there are people who become emotionally embroiled little by little and end up tearing up their marriages for the physical culmination of the emotional affair that grew and grew to it’s logical conclusion.

  35. anonymous says

    Without going into a lot of back ground or details, I have an interesting problem that pops up from time to time with women at church. My husband is a very smart, successful, average looking guy who is quiet and a good listener. I believe women are attracted to him because he is empathetic and what woman doesn’t like a man who will listen to them?

    There currently is a woman who is maybe around 45, married, in our church. She and her husband became believers a few years ago and are growing by leaps and bounds spiritually. Their marriage has gotten stronger from indications and small comments. Her personality is kind of similar to my husband, quiet, thoughtful, introspective, whereas I am more similar to her husband- chatty, creative, interactive.

    Aside from interaction at church, we have done things together here and there as couples such as gone to a concert together which necessitated a hotel stay out of state. They apparently felt kind of strapped for money and the woman approached my husband to ask if we were willing to share a hotel room to which he became very very uncomfortable, even asking me if this indicated some weirdness on their part. I reassured him I felt it was just a money issue, and we were able to pay for their room with hotel points. We invited them with their son and our pastor and his family plus assorted others to stay with us on vacation at the beach in a house we rented this past summer for a week. My husband gets along well with the husband- we are about 15 years older than they. I have tried to build a relationship with the wife

    Both of us have gotten the distinct impression that the wife really really likes my husband. She doesn’t do anything overtly inappropriate, but increasingly over the past year, little things and attitudes she evidences when the subject of my husband arise have made me more and more uncomfortable that she may be unaware of her own inner feelings towards my husband and in danger of an unhealthy emotional attachment.

    The first time she “corrected” me about my husband and tried to tell me things about his character that I knew were completely wrong, it surprised me, the second and third time, it made me more and more offended and wary. The most recent event happened while I was on a work crew to help clean up the church inside after painters were done and dust had to be cleaned off of every space, pew, and woodwork. Her husband, another man, the wife and I were working in the foyer, cleaning. The subject of children came up and it prompted me to comment, ” Well, our kids aren’t easy, but that is no surprise given that neither___ __ nor I are particularly easy going.” The husband responded with some surprise, “Oh, that kind of surprises me about___” The wife piped up immediately, with a tone that sounded like all the other times to be reproving and as if SHE knew my husband of over 33 years better than I, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t see that!” I was fuming and just about ready to retort when thankfully the other man, who must have sensed the presumption and inappropriateness of her response to me commented, ” You don’t live with him.”

    I kind of doubt she is even aware of how she comes across or thinks about how her comments are suggestive of some kind of inner emotional bond and connection she feels she shares with my husband. Little does she know that my radar has been beeping about her for awhile. My husband, although he can’t understand it (” I’m an old bald man!”) has learned from some painful past experiences to trust my intuition about other women because this has happened before and once even got to the point that he was emotionally infatuated with the woman who I had been warning him against. Thankfully, he soon realized he was in deep water and repented and since then has heeded my radar.

    We will continue to fellowship with this couple and the plan is for me to strengthen my friendship with her while he concentrates on the husband and keeps politely cool towards her. He is good at doing that without hurting feelings. I am praying that she realize what is going on inside her own self and be able to own her responsibility for saying inappropriate comments that spring out of some deep emotional tie she is totally unaware that she is feeling. As young believers, we need to be gentle with them and trust God will show them His way of interacting between opposite sex friends. My hope is that her husband who heard the other man basically gently rebuke her for her comment, will remember it and think about it and be able to address it with his wife. I am thankful my husband listens to me and although he doesn’t understand and gets impatient on those once in a few decades times I believe I need to issue a warning against a woman, he takes it very seriously.

    I hope sharing this maybe very seemingly innocuous tale- especially after reading so many heartbreaking stories of women in pain whose husbands are dallying with the affections and in many cases, the physical bond of infidelity, is a wake up to all that we need to be pure in our intentions and that words do indeed spring out of our inner being- so we need to pay attention to what we say and do.

  36. cassidy says

    Me & my boyfriend was planning to get married last month, just last week we had some argument that made him get angry on me just because of the argument, he said we will not be married again and the next day he left me and we broke up. I still loved him and I wanted him to marry me, for me to get him back i had no choice than to contacted chasuspropet@gmail.coom to help me and he helped me to bring my lover back to me so we can continue our plan to be married. he came back after 3 days.

  37. says

    Amen to the honesty of the article. Mrs. Markley, I appreciate your honesty. Before I share, I recommend that those who have commented here consider counseling with professional female Christian counselors to avoid transference and counter-transference. Not sure what that is? You will should you read this to its conclusion.

    I have, particularly when I was younger, struggled with enjoying attention from women not my wife, even with clients coming to me for substance abuse counseling; substance abuse caused by or made worse by problems in dysfunctional relationships with husbands, boyfriends, fathers… men in general.

    The stories of clients can be heartbreaking. These women like that I listen to them. They like that I feel genuine concern for their broken dysfunctional relationships. I treat them well. My words are gentle and kind; even compassionate. They like that I encourage them and challenge them. They love when I quote Scripture in our sessions.

    They have stopped caring about their appearance until now. The first time they came in they looked like alcoholics and drug addicts. Now they are made up, dressing better, smelling better. They’re not wearing sweats anymore. They’re wearing skirts above the knee. That baggy sweatshirt is a blouse with a lower neckline than the last time she came in. You get the picture. She wants her husband to be like me. Or for an hour or two, I can be the man that validates her; who makes her feel special.

    I am aware when this occurs and prepare my mind through prayer and hoping to be godly in the circumstance. At times, I might seek supervision from my superior, who also noticed my attractive client(s). My client does not really know me outside of the therapeutic relationship. I would have pictures of my wife and sons on furniture around the office.

    The reality is that even as a counselor there can be considerable dysfunction in my marriage. I have had those ‘what if’ moments. While my client may be wishing her husband was more like me, I might be wishing my wife looked more like her, was nicer like her… again, you get the idea.

    While that’s happening, I am an author of Christ-centered recovery at FREEdom from MEdom Project ( Wow!! I am such a hypocrite!

    How do I confess that to anyone but God? How could I let it happen that another woman, especially when it’s a client, be in my head as I lay down next to my wife. There were sessions I looked forward to more than others. God always knew and I knew God knew. I was ashamed. I did finally share candidly (with full honesty) with pastor friends of mine. They really helped me to be honest with myself and to be more disciplined in my spiritual life.

    Do you want to know how God delivered me?

    He crushed that professional situation and presented me with my present counseling position of the last several years. My clients today are ALL men; prisoners at a Chicagoland correctional facility.

    Counter-transference (personal feelings that may be projected back to their clients) from Christian female counselors is usually different. They may be as disgusted about your relationships as you are but the counter-transference typically should not include unhealthy physical or emotional attraction. She can be relational with you in ways that are most appropriate and ethical. If she helps you to leave your mate, per Biblical guidelines, it will more likely be for the right reasons.

    I hope and pray that this helps someone.

    Please go get help. Don’t just read stuff. Go see someone; not someone to commiserate with you; someone you trust can truly help you.


  38. Paladinrja says

    Hmmm… I’m sorta the older age bracket. 44 this year actually. Kinda weirds me out when I read this because in my experience. Men and women can never really be friends but a Man can be a man.. Men being men are not brats they’re men and being a man you have to accept that you can have “what ifs” for a woman and the circumstances just never seem right. I guess it relates directly to your value system or your set of beliefs.

    For instance I would never seek to undermine the relationship of a woman that I have some interest in, I simply will not escalate the interest level. If something occurs that I feel may cross a line, then I am quick to draw the line, not in a prospective way, its final. Mostly because if I feel like that about her then would it not be wrong to do her harm? I think it would. I think a man should respect that she is involved with someone else and wish her successful prospects. She may simply be seeking his intimate perspective. A man can provide that, shrug it off and walk away. Brats obviously cannot.

    Us men call it being her emotional tampon, but its a jest. Thing is, you can take a tampon out and bin it, can’t really do that to your husband else you kinda missed the point of being married. There is such a thing as ‘devotion’. Its a word that is also part of a mans vocabulary too. So maybe whats important here is that you know your male friend very well because yes, for more sophistocated men it can get uncomfortable because we are made aware of our feelings for her but a real man will keep it real.

    He knows how he feels. If he is single and she is single and both clear of baggage, especially being close friends, would it not then make for a more ideal scenario to actually enter into a relationship? I think that is in the guidebook of all real men that seek emotional security and secure relationships.

  39. Annonymousy says

    So this sounds like how I have been feeling. I love my boyfriend heart and soul, ever though he is a pain. And he best friend had to move in with us which I don’t mind. But I dream about him. Seeing him after the gym makes me tingle in my ‘special place’ and everything. I don’t know who to turn to for help. My heart is in turmoil and I don’t know what to do. My head is telling me I’m being silly and I should stick with my boyfriend, which I will because of our history. But why do I keep getting these feelings for his best friend?!

  40. lucy says

    I recently contacted a doctor named Ekaka i find his email: ekakaspelltemple on the internet so i decided to contact him for help in my relationship he ask me to send him my details which i did after that he told me that the gods revealed something to him and he told me everything that was revealed to him and he told me what he was going to do that after three days my relationship became sweet again and the person that was behind my problem came to beg me for forgiveness which was my mother in-law. i and my love are happy again including my mother in-law and we are planning to have a party for this Easter… thanks to Dr. Ekaka

  41. shina says

    My name is Shina Spiffs i want you all to join me to thank the great man that help me to restore my Married with my husband who dump me for another Girl for 3 months because the Girl had money, at first i never believed Prophet Osa will be able to help me win Nelson back from this other Girl but because i still love him and i need him back in my life, i worked and follow his instruction and it surprise me that after working with him, Nelson called me and ask me to forgive and forget the past that he still love me and that was how my husband came back for good. So with this great work done for me by Prophet Osa of whom i promise to always share his good work to the whole wide world and if any body is out there passing through any relationship difficulties should kindly contact him : spirituallove @ hotmail . com Or

  42. Erin says

    My husband and I have gone back and forth about this friendship he has with another woman for the past 8 years. He has only ever met this woman in person one time, and I was with him. They met online, through one of those mass online video games. First let me say that there has been a trust issue in our marriage almost from the start, when I discovered a pornography addiction that he lied about and hid from me for the first 4 years of our relationship. I became obsessed with watching his every move online, using blocking software, monitoring his text messages, etc. Over the past 5 years, I have discovered sexting occurrences online and in text messaging with 4 women, and then this additional relationship, who he refers to as his best friend. They text back and forth all day, he always texts her good morning first thing in the am and good night each night. He tells her constantly how amazing she is, how beautiful, how he dreams about her, wishes he could see her in person again, etc. We have had numerous fights over the relationship, have set boundaries of him not telling her she is sexy, etc and not talking about our marriage now. One of my biggest concerns is that previously, he always used to complain about me, telling her that she was the only happy thing in his day, telling her that our kids were the only reason he was staying in our marriage, and telling a close guy friend that he thought he might be in love with her. So, she is constantly encouraging him to leave me and making snide remarks about me. We have gone through a period of time when I blocked them from contacting each other through email, text, and facebook, but recently, he unblocked facebook, we fought about it, and I agreed to try to trust him on this. It has been about 2 months since the contact started again and already, the frequency is increasing again and he is skating the boundaries line by texting about how he is “trying not to think about or tell her how sexy/incredible she is”. But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, he will never admit that it is an inappropriate relationship. He will never agree that it is an emotional affair. I know that nothing will happen in person because it would be impossible for him to travel 10 hours away without me knowing in order to see her. But I still feel threatened because I know that his thoughts are always on her and I feel that she is stealing my place in the relationship between husband and wife. He is completely open to counseling, but even though we have received advice from good Christian men in the past, he doesn’t take the advice and agree to end the relationship. I am so ready to just block her on everything again, because I have all the passwords for everything, but I know that isn’t the solution we need to move forward.

  43. says

    My husband and I just celebrated 22 years of marriage, and 27 years together, I am 46 and he is 57. A few months ago his best friend died, and my husband has been going thru a difficult time, he has even said he is going thru his midlife crisis.
    He has always gamble in casinos once in a while, but all of the sudden he has been going to this one casino a lot, sometimes 2-3 times in a week for the past couple of weeks or so.
    He seem troubled sometimes & I tried talking to him, I asked why now, was he hanging in this one casino so much, till sometimes 3 -4 am, when he told me about this dealer there that he enjoy talking to a lot, she is married & 28 years old, then I found out she also, tells him her schedule every week, so he can visit her & He always makes a point to go only when she is working. He confessed that she invited him to dinner & that she wants to take him out to breakfast for his birthday, he also has told his friends about this so called friend. He also told one of his friends that he is smitten with this girl.
    I told him I did not wanted him to continue to go there & he told her last week, that he was too busy now & that he would not be able to go till Oct. ( His Birthday month) 6 months away, she responded, that, oh you will be back before then…
    What do you think, he says he loves me, but this is making me uncomfortable, he friends have told him, “Don’t go there” nothing good will come of this.

  44. ANONYMOUS says

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  45. ANONYMOUS says

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  46. grey says

    i know I’m having an emotional affair but I do think it’s one sided. It’s my second cousin but not by blood. We’re both mid-age but never saw each other more than a few times a year. Recently, though, we started talking on the phone. He’s a very devout Christian and I am recently saved and starting my new life. He has become my mentor, my best friend, and the person that I think about all day every day. We talk every night for at least two hours. He thinks of me as family and that is not how I think of him. We live 5 hours apart which is a good thing. I pray about this all the time. The thing is, the answer doesn’t feel negative. I am attracted to him, but that’s not what I think about so much. It’s talking, being held, kissing, just being together. Help. I’m lost. I can’t tell him. I hinted at first and he let me know that I’m family to him. Many many months of hours every day on the phone. Is that just friend ship on his part?


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