How DO you know the difference?
The line between a friendship and something more is razor thin. And maybe the only difference is ONE thought, ONE glance, ONE I-Wonder daydream.
I lived for a long time in a dangerous friendship without ever calling it an emotional affair.
This is how it went for me: We talked a LOT. We went to lunch or the gym together when my husband was not around, and we told him that we were hanging out. My husband knew we were close friends. We emailed, IMed, spent time on the phone talking about my husband (being that he was his best friend) and the problems we were having with our marriage.
And then there was my heart, my secret.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that I desired him, wanted him and felt conflicted about my own marriage. I didn’t want to admit that I would look for him in a crowd, that I dressed so that he would think I was pretty. I didn’t want to admit that I thought about him all. the. time.
And all of this before anything physical began.
Before.
And before either of us told the other how we felt. We didn’t need to.
Not every emotional affair morphs into a physical one. But many do. A physical affair begins in the heart before it ever moves to the bedroom.
There are hot co-workers, younger-than-you guys at church, really good looking dads at the elementary school. There might be the barista who remembers your name and smiles at you or the guy from high school who finds you on Facebook. Maybe it’s a professional relationship, thoroughly justified in it’s function, or a partnership in a ministry. Maybe its simply the husband of your best friend.
So how do you determine if your friendship is actually an emotional affair?
1. You find yourself thinking about him.
2. His attention makes you feel good.
3. You compare him to your husband.
4. You look for ways to be with him or reasons to talk to him, even in groups.
5. You would be embarrassed if your husband heard your conversations.
6. You would be embarrassed if your husband knew your thoughts.
I believe many women are living with dangerous friendships disguised, even to themselves, as emotional affairs.
An emotional affair can also be one sided. It doesn’t need to be a mutual attraction.
Did that get your attention?
Even if he’s never said anything suggestive to me, even if he’s never outwardly flirted with me, even if he’s never told me he thinks about me. What matters is the condition of my own heart.
What about you? Have you ever had an emotional affair? Do you wonder if a friendship you have NOW is an emotional affair?
(please feel free to leave comments as ANONYMOUS if you’d like to be more open with your sharing)
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I have just come to realize that my relationship with a long-time friend may have become more than friendship. I believed it innocent because there was no inappropriate physical contact, but after my guilt led me to researching the subject online. My friend, who is considerably older than I (and for this reason I thought a relationship more than friendship would be inappropriate), has been a friend of the family (and myself) for some time–before I met my current boyfriend, whom I have been with for 2+ years. I do not act any different with this friend than I always have, another one of my justifications for the relationship.
I do not see this friend often, as he lives in another state, and so I make a point of spending time with him when he visits, and maintain contact with him via the internet and texting.
Here is what I am unsure about: my relationship with my boyfriend has been faltering, and I am not sure if it is caused by this “accidental affair” (if you will) or by other factors. I think that legitimate reasons for doubting my relationship exist, but perhaps are being exacerbated by my emotionally intimate connection with my friend.
Also, I would compare my relationship with my friend to that I would share with a family member–except for the physical attraction that I have always felt for him (obviously this is not something I could just make go away just because I have a boyfriend).
I do not want to sacrifice my relationship with my friend if the relationship with my boyfriend is in question–then again, I do not want to risk my relationship with my boyfriend needlessly.
Any advise?
I am sorry you are in this struggle of the heart. I will pray for you, that you will have wisdom in your relationships and that God will guide you into the future He has planned for you! I find that if my relationship with God is where it needs to be everything else has a way of working out too!
“Seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things shall be added unto you”
Have you spoken with your boyfriend about how he feels about this friendship? Is he included in the time you spend with your friend?
You will find your way, especially if you let God take your hand and lead!
Sarah – Desperately searching for some peace, I stubled onto this page. My wife of a 15 year marriage did this to me just as you wrote. So verbatim, I almost thought you stole my mind. The other man was my best friend living in VA (I live in PA). On an occasion, I sensed that the fine line has been crossed. I was extremely restless so a little bit of investigation hinted emails to texts to calls to online. God, I am gonna stop because I dont know if there was something more.
My wife played it down sportily and said I was making a big fuss out of it and trying to enjoy my sadness. She told its all because of my ego. I am dying to know whether they went physical (I dont think I can rebuild my marriage from there) but didnt ask because she will of course lie. It shells my heart that she takes no initiative to assure me that online chatting was not online sex and nothing physical happened. I also want to know what drove to this so she could risk a 15 year marriage without flinching. I know we have hurt each other occasionally, and also I am not as intellectual or sophisticated as she is (yes, I have the highest university degree, but I am not in to arts and philosophy). Is it because she stopped loving me and this path became inevitable?
What eats me is that she was quite caring to me and was dedicated to the family. Its like Jeckyll and Hyde story! How can people do this and act so natural.
first of all, it happens more than we know. all the time. to many very normal couples. secondly, a marriage CAN in fact come back from adultery. ours has. third, i suggest you both get into some marriage therapy right away. the quicker you can begin working on your relationship again the better. it’s never too late. it really isn’t.
it all boils down to how much you are both willing to risk to make it work. feel free to email me at sarah at sarahmarkley dot com if you want to talk more about it.
so sorry for what you are going through.
Thanks Sarah. I am too nervous about marriage therapy. I thought about it because my depression has gotten chronic, but she tells me the therapists are gonna make it worse and the solution is in me.
Surprisingly, I have been engrossed in the thought of losing her and felt I almost didnt care for my two little angels. I feel so guilty. Is this normal?
This is how I sunk into my lifestyle of sinful acting out. I did it to my wife for years fooling myself into think it was ok because it wasn’t physical. It broke me down to a point where I was ready for the physical when the opportunity presented itself with another person. Now, my wife is watching everything I do. I am thankful for that because it means that there is hope for restoration. I am sad that she resists counseling and therapy and that she doesn’t talk about this regularly with someone. I realize that the exactly nine months since I disclosed my sin to her is a drop in the bucket in the time it will take for healing.
I pray constantly for healing. I ask God for perseverance and long suffering. I admit that I still look for the “magic bullet” phrase or list of steps that will help her re-open her heart to me. I know the hurt and loneliness I caused her gives her pause and skepticism at how God transformed me. I understand that she wants time to assure her that it is sticking. I wish I knew how long the time will last. Still, intimacy with God has done much to replace my “need” to be needed by someone else. It is still a thorn in the flesh, and resting in God has been the only remedy when coupled with community and honest conversation with brothers.
Jay, it is extremely important that you tell your wife *everything* that happened and 100% truth (even though she may not want to hear it. I wish my wife did the same to me. Rather she keeps on pretending nothing happened and she loves me. I am very sorry for your wife. Life is so unforgiving at times. Good to hear that you know it was wrong
Thank you for your affirmation. I have read your posts and grieve over the pain that you are enduring though this. May you take refuge in the Lord, the only truly trustworthy One, and may the Lord continue to speak into your life and bring restoration of your soul and marriage through this most difficult time.
On April 11 of last year, I fully disclosed the scope of my sin under the counsel of my pastor, counselor, and mentors who have walked the path I was about to enter. She wasn’t surprised, but I was such a good liar that she had no idea of the depth of sin into which I entered. It took four months after the affair ended for my heart to reach a point of conviction to prepare for disclosure. It took another four months to prepare for it and structure it in a way that honored God and brought the most protection and support to my dear wife who I trashed. It took about seven months after that for serenity to return in my heart and to an extent in my relationship with my wife. Still, it is a long haul, and I know that there are more hard times ahead.
Sarah is so right when she says that no one intends to go into marriage with the goal of committing adultery. Check YouTube and search for the Casting Crowns song, “Slow Fade.” Adulterers make lots of tiny micro decisions that are easy to get away with and correspondingly chip away at the character of the offender. For those of us who took it to the physical extreme, we felt entitled to what we were doing because we blamed our spouses for the pain we felt in our marriages over long periods of time. We felt that the absence of pain was what we were entitled to, and failed to acknowledge that the presence of pain is connectedness with our true selves as it drives us to the Risen Savior thereby blessing our marriages and building trust and integrity within it. So, our response was to incrementally go where we thought pain didn’t exist. WHAT A LIE! All we achieve is devastation in the lives of our spouses and deep self hatred and loneliness for ourselves. It is death, and I was arrogant enough to assume that I could handle it at each stage of the descent into spiritual bondage and death. The Lord is in the business of redemption…after all, He sent His Son to atone for our sins. Look to Him in all that you do. The brokenness and hurt are promptings from the Holy Spirit to do so.
In terms of your work in therapy with your wife. It is painful beyond description, but it is worth it. I know this because of what I went through to see how far I fell. As God squeezed me, and the crap began coming out, I realized that it was part of the process of being cleansed. If it is not dealt with, trials and struggles will yield crap in your relationship instead of redemption and grace. Turning a blind eye to pain is a big contributor to the messes we create. I encourage you to face it all together. God Bless you.
Jay, I feel so happy you found God. For some reason I didnt. I wish you and your wife a very best new beginning. May you two rediscover true love and peace. Just pray for me.
My husband has been involved in an emotional affair for just under a year. He came to me about it because he felt guilty about how close things had gotten emotionally but now often justifies it and says it is over when he continues to contact her and then lies about it. I have asked him to get rid of her facebook, phone etc but refuses to based on the principle (not sure what that is. He has torn me to shreds with this. In general I don’t like how he handles female friendships — too much personal closeness, frequent texting of an old girlfriends, talking with female coworkers privately. It is like he gets a charge from women but does not see this as inappropriate. If I weren’t a Christian I would leave. I don’t deserve this unfaithfulness. I have come to loathe him for jerking me around emotionally. I don’t know how to get him to see what he is doing. It always ends up in a yelling match!
Jill, I did the same thing to my wife for a few years and I sunk to a very low level as I have written about earlier in this post. A couple of things…1) He is in a spiritual prison that he didn’t know what he was getting into by getting significance from other women…now, he’s stuck with the behavior covered by rationalizations and justifications, and its killing you while he thinks its ok–I am so sorry…2) I bet that he doesn’t have a group of Christian men around him who will speak truth into his life. Unfortunately, church is all too often an unsafe place for this to happen.
I hope you insist on the counseling that Sarah recommends, but not only that…he needs men to be honest with in a safe place where the topics aren’t sports or politics. He needs a man to get in his face and tell him the Truth of what he’s doing. He has a lot of unpacking to do, and he has no clue about how screwed up he is. I hope you live in an area where such a group exists. His character will continue to degrade in his current spiritual and mental state. God bless you in this difficult time–you are both in my prayers.
thank you jay. i very much appreciate this comment.
My husband has been involved in an emotional affair for just under a year. He came to me about it because he felt guilty about how close things had gotten emotionally but now often justifies it and says it is over when he continues to contact her and then lies about it. I have asked him to get rid of her facebook, phone etc but refuses to based on the principle (not sure what that is. He has torn me to shreds with this. In general I don’t like how he handles female friendships — too much personal closeness, frequent texting of an old girlfriend, talking with female coworkers privately, flirtatious. It is like he gets a charge from women but does not see this as inappropriate. If I weren’t a Christian I would leave. I don’t deserve this unfaithfulness. I have come to loathe him for jerking me around emotionally. I don’t know how to get him to see what he is doing. It always ends up in a yelling match!
have you considered counseling? i know that’s not a panacea but it really helps. if you want to talk more, email me at sarah at sarahmarkley dot com. i’d love to hear from you.
Yah, done counseling. The pastor told him his friendship was inappropriate and he says he does not agreee with the counselor nor will he defriend her on fb. Yet, he tells me he loves me and wants only me and does not want her. “It is a non-issue.” I am so confused and depressed and angry! Can’t seem to get a hold of you on email. It is so hard to love and forgive him and continue as normal in this inbetween zone where he is sometimes remorseful and then other times not because it is not a problem. You always here of the all approving, always forgiving and welcoming spouse on the other end. I am not that and can not be perfect or good enough to bring him back nor do I want to do that now as I am hurting and don’t have it within.
emailing you…
Thank you for this post today (even though it was first posted last year). I am currently involved in an emotional affair and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to hurt my husband of many years but am really confused. This article is starting to help me figure it out. Thank you.
feel free to email me if you want to talk about it more!
Sarah, this has moved me… I am emailing you, I hope to hear from you.
Bless you for writing so candidly about this. One of my oldest friends in the world is involved in an emotional affair and it’s ruining her marriage. She knows her marriage is failing but I don’t think she sees her part in it. I gently but bluntly told her I didn’t support her relationship with this other man and if she decided to work on her marriage, she needed to drop the guy. To pick one person or the other. I’m pretty sure she hates me right now but I’m sticking to my guns. My question is this: Do I continue to check with her to see if she’s followed through? Or do I just leave it at that and be prepared to walk away? She is my friend, but I can’t be involved in her sin any longer, nor can I “make” her do anything. I’ve never dealt with a situation like this before.
Concerned friend….I have been thinking of you and feeling for what you are going through. I have both been the one causing a friend concern and been the one concerned about a friend in a destructive relationship. It is so unfair to be put in that position. Putting my friends in the positon you are in now was one of the most selfish things I have ever done and I regret it completely.
I think that all you can do is speak the truth in love to your friend. I know it was a long time before I could hear the truth that was spoken to me but eventually I did hear. Unfortunately the pain and destruction that resulted from my sin was necessary to help open up my ears. I know it is hard to see people that we love experience pain but sometimes it is necessary for change. And if your friend is a Christian you can be sure that this situation will come to light and that God will deal with her sin. Just keep pointing her to Christ as He is the only one who can truly heal her. There are great books out there too- I would suggest getting her a copy of “Torn Asunder”.
And definitely let her know that you can not be involved in her sin any longer. You are so completely right that you can not make her do anything…she is free to make her own choices. Just keep taking your burden for her to the foot of the cross. Jesus is able and can do amazing things with your friends life yet. He can redeem and restore her in a beautiful way. I am praying for you that you will be able to release this situation to God and that you will have clarity on His leading on how to deal with this. It can be an overwhelming place to be, I know. I feel I have rambled but I hope that in my rambling there is something of encouragement for you. <3
Thank you very much for the encouragement and kind words. Even though I prayed about this for a very long time and sought spiritual counsel from others, I still get that doubt in the back of my head that I should have just minded my own business. I know that doubt isn’t from God but it still creeps in from time to time. The last time I heard from her was when I told her I didn’t support her relationship with the other guy. Since this man has given her a substantial amount of money to start her dream business, I think she feels I’m not supporting her goals. She thinks this business is from God and that He’s doing great things in her life (even though the deal on the property fell through) and that I should be a real friend and support her. I’ve continued to stand by what I know is right and true. I haven’t heard back and I don’t expect to for awhile, if ever. I really have become peaceful about the situation. I know I have to give it to God and let him deal with it now. I hate to see her fall on her face but I can’t rescue her. I’ve decided to step back from the situation and just be there if and when she ever needs me. I really do appreciate your “rambling”
and it encourages me to stick to my guns and not doubt myself!
Concerned friend….I have been thinking of you and feeling for what you are going through. I have both been the one causing a friend concern and been the one concerned about a friend in a destructive relationship. It is so unfair to be put in that position. Putting my friends in the positon you are in now was one of the most selfish things I have ever done and I regret it completely.
I think that all you can do is speak the truth in love to your friend. I know it was a long time before I could hear the truth that was spoken to me but eventually I did hear. Unfortunately the pain and destruction that resulted from my sin was necessary to help open up my ears. I know it is hard to see people that we love experience pain but sometimes it is necessary for change. And if your friend is a Christian you can be sure that this situation will come to light and that God will deal with her sin. Just keep pointing her to Christ as He is the only one who can truly heal her. There are great books out there too- I would suggest getting her a copy of “Torn Asunder”.
And definitely let her know that you can not be involved in her sin any longer. You are so completely right that you can not make her do anything…she is free to make her own choices. Just keep taking your burden for her to the foot of the cross. Jesus is able and can do amazing things with your friends life yet. He can redeem and restore her in a beautiful way. I am praying for you that you will be able to release this situation to God and that you will have clarity on His leading on how to deal with this. It can be an overwhelming place to be, I know. I feel I have rambled but I hope that in my rambling there is something of encouragement for you. <3
I am a married father of a beautiful and loving daughter of 9. My wife and I have been together for 16 years, and married for 10 of those years. The regular issues we had in finance, affection, intimacy, etc., though seemingly large in and of themselves, seemed to be able to be worked through. At least I thought so, because of the love we had. I was never under any impression that my wife felt that something was missing. However, she met an old boyfriend from highschool, on Myspace and then on Facebook. They chatted, text messaged a LOT, and ended up meeting at least a couple of times behind my back. I was devestated to hear that she felt she wasnt in love with me anymore, only to find the hundreds of txt messages between them the months prior to that “discussion”. Our life had been such a rollercoaster, but would eventually we would always get back to a point where one could see there was genuine love between us. Suddenly, I was the enemy to all within her circle. Our history was completely rewritten to be where I was not paying attention to her enough. She always used the issue of “Being controlled” as a method to get her way in terms of going out with the girls EVERY weekend, spending vast amounts of money on credit card debt to finance it, and then taking 401k loans to get the cards under the limits on a yearly cycle. She would never initiate intimacy, and it left me feeling like I was pushing her into something, when I just needed to feel desired by her, instead.
Then to add the cherry on top, she became emotionally attached to this boyfriend from twenty years ago. They met, had spent time together, and it was only exposed by me, never admitted to. Now it is six months past the date of discovery, and he is still a friend on her friends list. His picture on her page is such a slap to the face, and just about removes my faith in her to take the steps to rebuild. Dare I ask her to? Should I have to? I would love to simply attribute it to mere thoughtlessness. But we have been doing more together. I can in no way compete with her “good times” with the girls, when I am trying to operate off of a cash basis, knowing our debt burden, and she is living the party life on credit cards, that will one day catch up to her. But who do you think will be there to bail her out? What is our daughter learning from all of this? How am I expected to have ANY self esteem of any kind, when the one person I trusted for real, and had always told me never to do that to her, just to let her know if things werent right between us, ultimately betrays me? She has taken no accountibility of it. Has swept it under the rug and appears to be trying to be more affectionate. But what is she still hiding with her password protected cell phone that she takes with her to the bathroom? Why did she seperate the cell phone accounts into two accounts online when it used to be both of our phones on her single account? None of this seems to be real at all. I have never felt so betrayed and devestated in all my life. I opened my home to her mother, to come live with us becuase she was evicted from her apartment for nonpayment of rent, fell on hard times financially. I welcomed her into our home more than once. I get no credit at all for these things. I feel like all I am there for anymore is my daughter. My wife, the love of my life, who has been so emotionally distant our entire life, seems to have always had an open window to her soul for this other man. And he remains.
He texts her constantly. She replies, even after telling me she was going to delete his number when I found out about it all. She would rather throw the marriage away, then take responsibility. In her eyes she can see that she has done no wrong, and like I said, totally rewrote our history. I call her best friend to talk, and she wont answer the phone , but then my wife calls, asking why I called her friend. There are people out here like myself, all over the place. I sat in my car today, after sixteen years with this woman, and cried like I have never before. Nothing prepares you for this. Nothing.
My outlook on people in general now, just seems to have been proven completely wrong. Is there someone out there for me? My wife doesnt want me anymore.
Dad in Pain,
I don’t know if you saw my comments earlier, but I did what your wife is doing. When I was questioned, I lied and said that it was nothing to be worried about. It lead to crossing the flesh line with another person. It took years for that to happen. I took advantage of the trust she had in me. Like me, your wife thinks happiness is in created things and people. It’s a huge lie.
I think the hardest thing for you to do is draw the line in the sand, but to save your marriage, that’s what you have to do. Don’t put up with it. It will drag on for even longer as you enable her. She needs to see what she is throwing away by having it taken away. It is a risk, there is no doubt, but anything less is grossly unfair to you and your precious daughter. She needs to choose instead of dragging you through this. She is delusional thinking that this behavior will bring her happiness. It won’t just like it didn’t for me…I hated myself through it. Finally, I found happiness in Jesus, and my love for my wife was restored along with a deep sadness about what I did. This can happen for her.
I have an understanding of this kind of thinking, and she is lost, and looking for light in the darkness. It isn’t there. I hope that you talk with other men about this. Talking with her friend isn’t going to get you anywhere. You need wisdom being spoken into your life through this. I hope you seek it out.
Jay
This is a very good article! Thanks for making this information interesting. I enjoyed this article a lot and I share many of your views.
I have been a relationship for 8 years with my boyfriend. We have a pretty decent relationship and try to work on the weak areas. We do share a different lifestyle outside of our relationship. My boyfriend goes out all the time and always meets new people for the sake of his business..etc. The problem is that he would never tell me whom he’s meeting and rarely where he goes. His standard line is that he has a meeting. When we first moved in I did struggle with this type of behavior and worked on trusting and eventually just accepted it for what it was. A few days ago my instinct just kicked me and I asked him where he was going and he said that he’s meeting his friend. I was just feeling weird on this particular day. I went ahead and believed him. One day later his text messages was in wide view, which was rare cause his phone is always locked. There was one particular text from a female that I never heard him mention to me at first I hesitated to read it, but I just needed to know. There were several texts between them where he was asking her to go to the park, beach, etc. They met up for dinner and were exchanging texts on a daily basis and signed off with kisses and hugs. He got her roses for her birthday and for all the 8 years we have been together he has not even gotten me a petal on my birthday. I confronted him and he says that she’s only a friend. A friend he hid from me for an entire year. He never mentioned her nor mentioned meeting up with her and said that he don’t have to tell me everything he does. He proceeded to tell me that he is like this with all his female friends and half of them I don’t even know or ever heard of. I feel I have been deceived so badly, since I put all my trust and faith only to find out he has been doing this all the time. Is this normal to have a long term relationship and then go out with other females and have a relationship interacting as he does and then keep it from the person you claim to love and call it “platonic friends”?
Hi SJ-
Thank you so much for leaving this comment and your bravery in doing so. I’m going to have to agree with Jay who left a comment for you below. Maybe it’s time to take a break from him, dive into community with women who will speak truth to you and see what God has for you after that.
and to answer your question, i’m not sure if it’s normal or abnormal, but it for sure it isn’t right. if he is committed to you, he should be completely committed to you. you deserve more than a man who treats you like that. that’s my opinion.
hoping you find peace and a road through your struggle. please email me if you want to talk further sarah@sarahmarkley.com
SJ, My heart goes out to you. I am a man who is recovering from the same mindset your boyfriend has. I understand how he thinks. A big part of it is that over time he has progressively gotten away with this kind of behavior, and he thinks he is untouchable. He needs help, but he needs to acknowledge the pain he has caused before it. The best thing that you can do for both of you is rid yourself of him. He has had his cake and eaten it too for far too long. It is not fair to you. He will continue doing this to you and to other women until a crisis creates a situation in his life where he deals with all of the segmentation in his mind and becomes open and honest. God can redeem him. It’s not your job. God can heal you. I hope and pray that you seek out community with women who can speak wisdom into your life without man bashing. It took guts for you to post on Sarah’s blog. Don’t stop seeking.
Jay,
Thanks for your response. I feel maybe part of this is my fault cause I wanted a better relationship and I did not want to interrogate him about what he did and whom he met. I just felt if two people are in a committed relationship there is no need to force things out of them, it should come naturally. He told me that he can’t tell me about everyone that he meets.
And I don’t want to know about everyone, just the ones that may have affect the relationship. I am really torn cause I invested a lot in this relationship. He admits there was nothing physical, but I feel the pain is just an equal or even worst. I just don’t know how to trust him.Each time I talk about it he seems to get upset that I keep repeating the same questions, but I feel so empty that I don’t think he even understands my pain.
Sweetie, I feel your pain. I know you are hurting. And even though this isn’t what you want to hear, you need to hear it…there are good men out there who don’t do these things, and it’s time for you to do some serious soul searching and move on from him. He has already developed a pattern in your relationship and the ONLY way to break that pattern is to end the relationship. Physical or not, he is emotionally invested in someone other than you, and you dear, deserve so much better. Nice guys do exist. You just have to look a little harder to find them. Don’t second guess yourself…if you think something is wrong, it usually is. Praying for you.
thank you all for responding to SJ. i love this community.
you are all so wise and we are lucky to have your opinions.
and yes, sj, nice guys do exist. ones that will love you and care for you.
i am praying for you too.
SJ, There are a lot of clues in what you write as to what is going on with him. I won’t pick them apart because I think you understand far more than you want to admit. You have seeds of wisdom and intuition in your posts. Nurture them. Trust them. Use them.
Sarah gave you her direct email address above. In the absence of community with wise and godly women in your life, she is a great person to speak wisdom into your situation.
Proverbs 4:23
Btw…please don’t blame yourself for this. You gave your trust and he is doing the betraying. It’s not your fault. Gain wisdom.
I want to thank you all for taking the time out to respond to my mail. I am doing much better today. I have decided to give my boyfriend a chance to earn back my trust. He has promised that he will conduct his friendships with females in a better manner and will not keep any secrets from me. Maybe I am naive, but I will give him a chance to prove himself and I do hope it works out. Thank you all for the support and advice.
Hi there. I’m in my mid thirties and I just returned to college after being an at home dad and artist. My wife and I’ve been through a lot in the past fifteen years of marriage but we’ve somehow weathered the storm of the loss of a child, financial difficulties and even my battle with depression. Since returning to school to finish my art degree, I have been having the best year of my life. My wife and I have been happier than we’ve been in years, we bought a new house, we’re healthier than ever and our kids are great…it’s all lots of happiness.
Then, I met someone at school. She’s amazing; smart, beautiful and an incredible artist. We hit it off instantly. She’s engaged and her fiance sounds like a great guy. I’ve spoken with her openly about my family and she’s talked a lot of me to her fiance who lives far away. It’s exhilarating to be with someone so full of life. We have lunch together and spend time talking a lot in person and online. We bounce ideas for art off of each other and sit with each other in classes. I have always had female friends and never had a problem as I grew up around sisters and have always preferred the company of clever women to that of men. This is why it’s so hard. I do think of her a lot and look forward to seeing her but what might have started out as a bit of a crush is now like we’re old friends. We are comfortable together, not like lovers by any means. Her influence has been amazing on my art and made me even more productive and happy.
I must admit, I am trying to spend as much time with her as I can as she will be leaving at the end of the semester to go far away and I won’t see her again for six months or more until she gets married. It hurts me to meet a so great friend and only just begin to know them and see them go away.
At this point, nothing at all has happened to make me think this is “crossing the line” as my wife knows about us hanging out and is fine with it. I think the biggest problem for me is this is the first time in many years I’ve been able to be myself and as soon as I am allowed to be me instead of just dad or husband, someone like this falls in front of me. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this in my life so when I found this site, I thought I’d give it a whirl. What do you think? Am I headed down a bumpy road or can I let the car find its way down the road on its own?
Randolph,
You may not cross the flesh line with this woman. That doesn’t make any difference. You are in extremely dangerous territory. You are cheating on your wife emotionally. It makes no difference whether she knows this woman or not. I said all the same things you did as I did HUGE damage to my character over several years. I eventually crossed the flesh line with another woman after I got so good at the justifications and partial truths that I thought were complete truths. I looked for another male to kick my butt about what I was doing, but it never happened. The responsibility for my choices rests on me. It was not my wfe’s fault or even my affair partner’s fault. I doubt you would have posted here if something wasn’t working on you…gnawing on you about how unfaithful your heart is becoming.
I am blunt with my words because I don’t anyone to to through the crap I went through myself, but mostly the crap I put others through. If you want to talk or exchange emails, reply on this thread and we can find a way to connect.
I appreciate you being blunt. You are right, I am here because I need an outside opinion and honestly. My problem is that I feel like the “infatuation” stage has moved on to a friendship and I’m fine with that. What’s your answer then? You may email me directly if you want. – Randolph
First off…you have great courage posting this on here. I wish I pursued truth more in the early years. I see a lot of me in what you wrote. I have several posts on this thread if you want to go look at them.
I find that others’ stories help me. Community is the way to heal from this. If you exchanged traditional vows, you vowed to forsake all others. If you’re a Christian (or not), James 5:16 is true.
I am happy to share my story and listen to yours. I can be reached at je(dot)Spiegel(at)gmail.com.
As a wife who has a husband who had an emotional affair though not admitted, I can tell you the turmoil you will put your wife through with your “friendship”. If there is any doubt in your mind, it is not worth the risk for the detriment it will do to you and your wife. My husband’s EA totally changed my world. I had some stability in my world before. I could count on the fact that even though times were tough, and they were, he would be there. I had security. That was all taken from me. I did not know if I was worth anything anymore. I must not have been pretty enough, stimulating enough, sexy enough. My esteem went through the floor. I felt very abandoned. All the half-truths and blatant lies about the discotninuing of the relationship marred what trust I had in him and have in God and others. If I could not trust this man who I had been with since high school, how could I trust anyone and why would God allow others to feed him lies? I questioned where he was all the time and if his cell rang, I wondered if it was her. I envisioned myself running into her and beating her up. I became obssessed with the possibility of this relationship becoming more and him not stopping it. It was torturous. His justifictaions that she didn’t mean some of the things she inappropriately said to him(and who knows what he said to her) and his justification of his right to be “friends” and the unfair nature of my “control”, really messed with my sense of reality. I spent many months trying to get him to see things the way I did not because I was angry persay, though I fairly was, but because his perception was really confusion. He put me under a blanket of confusion and allowed friends to ridicule me for my lack of forgiveness because he could not end something that two pastors told him was wrong. He know looked at our relationship and recreated the past too. We now had always had a really crummy marriage. We had our tough times, dealt with definte issues but we loved eachother. I think he expected our marriage to mantain the level of emotion and connectedness he felt with her — feelings you can only truly have at the start of a relationship because real life sets in and natural disillusionment that a relationship can’t bring about Eden. So I beg you, think of your wife, ot yourself and your feelings which are temporary and a lie. Put your energy into her. If she has been with you through all that you mention, you have more oif a connection with her than any other woman. Don’t beleive the lie of “its just friendship”.
I can tell you too. Now that his “friendship” is over, I can see him go through a depression from the let down of the feelings. The intensity is powerful. Now the mandane of just being a da and just being a husband do not seem to be enough for him. You are setting yourself up for a lot of pain. Turn away for yourself too!
Randolph, Jill absolutely nails it. Love you wife. Love is a decision, not a feeling. Don’t fall for that Hollywood bill if goods. Honor your vows. Believe me, I know how hard it is to deny yourself and walk away from this “friendship.” Your friend is also dishonoring you and your family, and she doesn’t know it. I wasn’t man enough to do it. You need to get to the root of why this happened. I hope you talk to a pastor and/or counselor with your wife. Look up the term, “limerance.” This is what applies to your feelings.
Read Ecclesiastes 7:25-26, Proverbs 5, 6, & 7, and Romans 7. Whether you are a Christian or not, these words are universally true. You have rationalization and justification infesting your thoughts. You need help rooting them out. Escape this lie.
I appreciate both your candor and thoughts on my situation. Jay, I also appreciate your approach to this from your personal beliefs but not being pushy about it. I agree that there are things to cull from the words regardless of my beliefs.
I came here mostly to find out if others saw things the way that I thought things might be going. Having embarked on a new personal journey with going back to school, the greatness of meeting new, creative and interesting people has been exhilarating in itself and meeting this woman was part of that. This was the fist time in more than a decade that I’ve been able to be by myself and people liked me for me and me alone. I found out just how important personal identity is to me and that I need to have that as well as my identity as husband and father.
Even just getting all this out of my system and having you listen to me has been very helpful.
I talked to my wife about this after my last post, last night. We’ve been through tough times, as I said above. Because of that, we’ve been able to talk about things that before seemed very uncomfortable. (something we would not have, had it not been for our long relationship, like Jill said above regarding the “start of a relationship” comment.)
My wife had suspected that I might be heading toward more than a friendship and we are discussing where to go from here. She was actually very positive about finding more time for us and getting help. I know I’m a lucky man. My wife and I’ve had our differences through the years, but I know we’ll come out on top.
Although it will be tough, I am committed to ending this before it gets worse and will do what it takes to remove myself from the situation.
Thanks for listening and for your input into a stranger’s life.
Randolph,
Jill is speaking wisdom to you that you need to hear. I affirm you for our conversation with your wife and the clarity you have now. It will fade. You will be tempted to keep some measure of this friendship. RUN from it. Your marriage has an enemy. Fight it.
I will be praying for you and your wife.
Jay
First of all bravo for sharing your story here. Secondly, i’m so sorry that I haven’t been here for this conversation. i only saw this this morning.
But considering that, the community, namely jay and jill have come in and given you some great feedback. so i’m very thankful to them.
Believe me i TOTALLY understand intimately those feelings that you are having: that she’s the only one who gets you. But echoing both jay and jill, from experience, even if that feels right or better, it isn’t. and i dont’ know if jay or jill mentioned this, but i would be worried about what your friend’s emotional/ physical needs are right now. meaning: if she is engaged to be married, yet seeking out a close friendship like yours, she is likely in an unhealthy place. and two people in places of need and want, no matter how committed they are to their spouses, are in a dangerous place.
if you are intent on moving forward in your marriage (as it seems like your wife is) i would take precautions as much as is possible. i hope that you and your wife can move past this.
thank you again for being so honest! if you want to email me you are more than welcome sarah at sarahmarkley dot com
What you did last night is awesome. But, it is not over. My husband too came to me about his friendship and I thought it was over and dealt with until I a month later saw she was still texting him, and they were still going behind our backs to meet, talk and to create a more okay friendship. Please take my advice, you will be tempted to make this an “okay” friendship, to salvage the good out of the bad. The best thing you can do is just walk away from it. Don’t be tempted to tell her your feelings or tell her why you have to end it, that just creates drama and actually more of a temptation to keep it. Now too she may share similar feelings and what does that benefit you. Just tell her you are too busy or whatever but you must mantain distance. The good news for you is she will be off and married soon. Enjoy this exciting part of your life but take your wife with you in it as you sound like you intend too. Blessings!
Jill
I don’t even know how to begin healing from my husband’s EA. It has been over for numerous months now, and I don’t feel we are any further. I still don’t trust him. I still feel traumatized by the EA. He thinks I am playing the victim and just won’t forgive. I have gone to God, gone to my own counseling because he does not want to do marriage counseling together as it does not work. We either fight all the time or we withdraw. We have tried to work it out. I don’t want to feel angry but I do and say things I later regret. Nothing works. I feel so hopeless…
Jill, I am praying for your husband to find community with men who are safe for him to get his stuff out. I pray that you move toward each other recognizing each other’s feelings and not judging each other for them. I pray that your husband regains and doesn’t lose sight of his brokenness and that he quits blaming others for his poor decisions. I hope and pray that you find community face to face with women. I hope you find a godly counselor to help walk you through your own hurts. The healing that this will bring my cause your husband to notice and seek his own help. Sometimes you have to take a few swings at this before the bat hits the ball.
I realise the last post was a while ago, but I just stumbled across this thread online. It’s been so helpful but I wonder if I might ask for advice – I think I am in an emotional affair, but the circumstances are different from any of those listed above.
I am a single Christian girl in my early 30s. I would dearly love to get married but the right guy hasn’t come along yet. I have plenty of guy friends, including a couple I have a crush on (nothing has happened yet). My concern lies with a friendship I have with an older Christian man (mid-40s) who is married with two kids. I met him through a weekly university class some years ago and we both still attend a weekly class together. We used to go out for post-class drinks with the whole class, but over time this has whittled down to just me and him. We share a lot about our lives – my sadness at being single and stories from dates etc, and he shares about his life, his marriage and his family.
He occasionally says things to me that I consider inappropriate, such as ‘You’d be fascinating to be married to’, ‘You’re really beautiful’, ‘When you get married I’ll cry’, ‘I’ve missed you’ (if I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks). I always challenge him on these kind of comments and point out that he is a married man, but he just laughs it off.
For a while I’ve been wondering about the friendship. I have no idea whether his wife knows his post-class drinks are with a single girl ten years younger than her, and not with a group of people. I have never met her and would feel awful knowing that he has shared so much about their marriage with me.
I think I know that it’s not right, but I’m now worried that it has become an emotional affair. I am also physically attracted to him.
Please help!
It does sound like you are in an emotional affair. Even if it’s not full-blown it sounds like feelings are involved already. If he is saying these things to you, then he is thinking a lot more than that. I would suggest walking away from these meetings and asking him to cut ties with you. Even if he does not see the harm, you don’t want to play a part in their marriage going south. Since first commenting and reading this post and the comments, I have written an eBook about my experience with an emotional affair. I was the married one in my case (Entangled if you want to look it up). I wish the other person would have walked away but eventually I had to be the one to do it. It is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done but so worth it.
I agree with Amy. You are involved in an emotional affair and you have to cut ties, the sooner the better. It will be awkward at first, especially if you have to see each other in class, but stick to your guns. He will most likely minimize the situation in order to try and continue this relationship. You have to stand firm and do not allow him to have contact with you at all. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s how it has to be. Also, you mentioned you would like to meet someone and fall in love. I believe as long as this relationship continues, that will not happen. You are giving so much of yourself to this man, whether you realize it or not, and you are not fully open to meeting the person God wants you to be with. Bear with me on this. I had a similar situation, except that we were both single. We used each other to meet our emotional needs, but the relationship never went further. When I realized what was happening, I told him we couldn’t be friends anymore, because I wasn’t fully available to meet someone if I was pouring so much into this “friendship.” He laughed at me and made me feel like an idiot, but I stuck to it. Literally a month later, I met the man who is now my husband. But I don’t think that would have happened had I not broken things off with this other person. I know that was sort of a random thing to throw out there, but I hope it was helpful, and if you are serious about finding your future spouse, I hope you do the right thing and cut ties with this man completely. Good luck and good for you for recognizing this is wrong.
You’ll see my wordy comments in this thread, so, it’s easy to conclude from them, that I was that guy. It led down a horrible path for everyone involved. Trust me. RUN!!!!
This guy has his own issues. RUN!!!
Sarah’s suggestion to read Entangled is awesome. I read it recently too, and it is filled with truth.
I also recommend “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
RUN! Get out of the building. It’s on fire. You are starting to smell the smoke and it will numb you if you don’t RUN!
I mean Amy’s suggestion to read Entangled…sorry ’bout that.
Thank you for the rec, Jay, and for the one on Boundaries. I’m putting that on my list.
Thank you all of you for your honest replies and for confirming what I was already thinking. The last thing I want is for this to contribute to a marriage failing (and a Christian one at that), or for it to prevent me from meeting a guy.
Thank you thank you, and if you pray, please pray for me as I take steps to stop this!
Juliet
And thanks for the book recs too.
Have strength. What you are about to do will not be easy. I don’t know where this guy is in his isolation from his wife, and you may have no way of knowing either, or if you are the only one he has attached to…but reply on this thread if you want my predictions as to what his response may be so that his deception is less likely to affect you, and I’ll be glad to reply back.
God Bless!
Jay I’d love to hear your thoughts – please share!
First off, I am glad you are honoring your radar and dealing with this.
Second, I hope you are in community with other women who you are safe to be transparent around.
In thinking of the scenario where you draw the line, I anticipate the worst case coming from him.
He may try to guilt you into staying in relationship with him. He may say that he is thinking of leaving his wife despite what he may have said to you in he past. He may say that you are his only friend, the only one who will listen to him or understands him. He may also tell you that he thinks about you all the time…this is a big hook, and it’s probably true…he may think it is love. It. Is. Not. It is a concept called limerence. Google it. It feels like love, but for me, it was the begging in of enabled obsession. Once you look at the term limerence, google Joe Beam and read the stuff in his website. I suspect you will find a lot of familiar things described to you. He has a ministry dedicated to these issues.
You have a weakness for this guy. He knows how to exploit it, and if I were you, I would expect him to do so.
Finally, you are not responsible for his happiness, fulfillment, spiritual health, connection, source of fun, , accountability…anything. Nor is he to you. I can’t stress how dangerous this territory you are in. Crossing the flesh line is almost inevitable if you let it continue.
I tried to give you what he might do if you give him o
Cont…openings. In other words, I hope that you don’t. I hope you follow Proverbs 4:23. It’s best for both of you. Put up walls and delete all contact info. Some good resources if you’re interested…
Sarah’s blog
New life live podcast
The books mentioned before
“Not ‘Just Friends’” by Shirley Glass
Great healthy friendships with other women you trust.
Ugh…sorry I keep jumping in…but here’s another resource. This guy is gonna sap so much out of you of you don’t follow through…it’s another Henry Cloud book, “How to Get a Date Worth Keeping.”
If there’s anything I put on here that is in error, ease forgive, I give this to the Lord in expectation that the great wisdom on his thread will rebuke it so that I may see correction.
Thanks so much for the wisdom. I’m planning to speak to him this week and will let you know how it goes….
Let me caution you about talking to him. I urged my husband to send a letter to his EA partner to say goodbye, and I think all it triggered was an intensity of feeling. You would probably be wise to keep it simple, no declaration of feeling or his perceived feelings. MAybe just say I really don’t like meeting with married men alone, and so I won’t be doing our time out anymore. I hope you can respect that.
I agree with Amy. Don’t create a chance for him to keep a foot in the door.
Thanks Jay & Jill – appreciated.
I was surfing the web and found this site interesting…..I just found out my husband of 11 years has had a secret friendship with a woman 5 years his senior. I never knew this woman existed. He met her on a work issue. She had common interests, thought he was attractive and that fed his ego and he continued to reach out to her on a weekly basis. Phone records show he averaged calling her weekly for 10-20 minutes. She rarely, if ever, called him unless it was a work related issue… Maybe a few times in 6 years. I didn’t know what an emotional affair was until I researched it. I qualify this as one, he claims he never meant to hurt me, that it was calls about “current events”, how her week went and that it was easy conversation. He didn’t think I would understand a newly formed friendship after we were married. He put it in a safe place and never thought it would hurt me or effect us. He now has extreme remorse for his betrayal. We go to therapy 2 times a week. He called her one last time in my presence to say the relationship was “inappropriate” and he would not be calling anymore and asked her not to reach out to him. I did speak to her 2 times after I found out, and she said she looked at him as a great friend and listener and she was in a wonderful marriage. He saw her maybe 4 times, supposedly with work related issues….never went to lunch, drinks or anything social.. I just am having a hard time accepting the lies, deceit, hurt! I thought we were happily married. I don’t even know if I can trust he his telling me the whole story, is there more? I truly loved this man with my whole heart! He is an incredible dad, rushes home to be with his family every day so this really took me by surprise and I have fallen hard. I don’t really know if I can get past this and trust him again or forgive the betrayal. 6 years of lies is a really long time! What does this say about my husbands character?
Darlene,
I guess i’ll hit this blog with ine more comment since you don’t have a public response so far. Thank you so much for the perspective your comment brought to me and to any other man who has betrayed his wife and reads this.
Your comment left me with the impression that there are two key questions that hound you and won’t go away. They are, “can I trust him? and “is there more?”
Since you are in counseling, I hope you have gone into those questions. If you haven’t, there is tremendous depth and many layers as to why they are there. I recommend starting with a series of questions for yourself and for your husband along with your counselor. They stem from your comment that he is remorseful. You used the term, “extremely.”
First, if you are believers, is he repentant, and not just remorseful?
What “work” has he done to help him understand why he thought this behavior was ok in the first place?
Has he hidden other parts of his life from you from what you can tell? What does he say about that? How does he say it?
Have you shared your complete relationship and sexual history prior to marriage to one another? Are both of you “safe” (non-judgmental) enough with one another to do so?
Is this his first marriage?
Have both of you explored your family of origin issues and woundings with this counselor? Are either or both of you seeing a counselor individually?
Have you explored your own hurts that may affect how you relate to your husband…meaning was there an event or series of events that make it hard for you to trust in general? Do you feel constrained by something apart from this, or do you feel “free?”
Is your husband in community with other men? Does he have friends? I don’t mean a group of buddies he plays golf with and talks football. I don’t even mean a bible study where men are present.
My comments and encouragements are these: your husband needs to be in community with men if he isn’t already…he can’t sustain emotional fidelity to you on his own long term without it…he needs to share his stuff in strictest confidence, and give men close to him permission to get in his face…this is extremely difficult for most men, he needs your encouragement… From your description of the interaction between your husband and this woman, it appears the frequency and intensity did not increase over time. This is an extremely good sign if it is true despite the duration of this relationship…I mean, the absence of the growth of an emotional bond is extremely good! I don’t blame you for doubting since he said that he kept it from you claiming that he didn’t think you would understand a new friendship. I think that is crap. He may not realize it though. There may be more to it, and there may not. There is still deception from him on some level. He needs to get at why he would do that. If he has a spirit of fear about him, there is a reason which must be explored. If he was simply stupid, then both of you need to recognize that, and you can work toward forgiveness. If the admission took place recently, you need time to process it regardless. He needs to give you room to do so, and you need wisdom speaking into you through it.
As far as his character, it is obvious that he must examine and reset his boundaries. He needs to do so in the context I mentioned above. There are good books on the subject. No man and no woman is going to be perfect and whole, and no man’s and no woman’s character is whole and true. There are always issues to work on. I believe character can be measured on whether those issues are being addressed. A person must know to address them, and sometimes a realization or epiphany must occur. I hope that in the presence of his repentance that you are able to work toward forgiveness. This is not to say that forgiveness is conditional on repentance. Eventually, you need to forgive for your own sake. You do not have to put up with infidelity of any kind. On the same token, he will be guarded and may isolate of he feels judgment. It’s a fine line. His repentance and your forgiveness can be a door through which your marriage heals in so many deep ways that it is impossible to describe.
I hope that you are in community with women yourself. This is vitally important.
Finally, I pray that both of you look toward the real Jesus and not some interpretation of Him that is out there. There is an expulsive power of that affection. Through Him, your marriage will flourish despite the flaws.
God Bless both of you! I admire your courage.
Jay
I am struggling with the fact that my husband is having an emotional affair with a co worker. We’ve been going through some really bad times and he asked for a divorce. A few days later he tells me he is in love with another woman yet asks me to stay. The very next day he tells this friend he loves her and the day after that tells me he’d rather be with her, just to again change his mind about 2 more days later after I talked about working things out. Its confusing to me too. My thing is is that he refuses to even consider ending their relationship. He flat out told me not to ask him to give that up because he wouldn’t. that he loves me and that knowledge should be enough. Its not though because I feel like their relationship will continue along the same path and that he will eventually sleep with her and our marriage will end in divorce. If I am going to have to go through the pain of it, I’d rather do it now while I am already reeling from the things he has revealed to me in the last week. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve told him that I feel like if I ask him to give her up, that he will choose her over me, and he doesn’t respond to that, which makes me feel like I am right. I’m angry and frustrated and scared. Its affecting my entire life. We have 3 kids together which makes it even more difficult. I know I have contributed to the problems in our marriage, but I never did anything like this. I’m physically sick from all of the emotions I have to keep inside, hide from the kids. I feel like he is still leaving and that I still don’t mean anything to him. I am so lost. . .
Shana, I am so sorry you are going through this. He has no clue what’s going on in his heart and head. He is convinced by a lie.
At this point, he needs to be made uncomfortable. He needs to know what he is at risk of losing. If you want an idea about what to do, I recommend telling him to leave the house until he decides what he wants. If you consider it, I hope you do it under the care of a Christian counselor.
I used to be exactly like your husband, and my heart grieves over the pain that you are in. There’s hope, but you need to draw a line. You don’t deserve this.
God Bless You,
Jay
Shana,
I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter the state of your marriage, you do not deserve this. Your husband is in a state of confusion as I know you are too. Do not be pulled into it. See clearly. Jay is right. You need to set your boundries — he can not coexist in two worlds. He can not be married and committed to you and have this friendship that obvioul;y has crossed the line.
Jay, I just wanted to say Thank you for all your posts here and sharing your story. I was ending an emotional affair and it is encouraging me to continue that. Let’s just say that “he” is not wanting it to end and I have remained strong (returning to God).
Trisha,
Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Jay
Btw…stay strong and focused. It’s not easy.
I am 48yrs old and I have read alot to know my boyfriend is having a emotional affair with his exgirl. They dated over 20 years ago which they had a son. There was cheating done by both and used the son as weapon between each other. About 2 years ago he had found his son on face book and started to talk to him. But he mostly asked for money. Then his mom (ex girlfriend) add him as well. They have been talking in the begining not too much but recently alot. He says I have a trust issue. Yes maybe I do. I know a emotional affair when I see one. Recently they has been talking about his and mine relationship.. I have walked out a couple of time as he has changed. I do get jealous as he does have alot of girls as friends. He like to boot his ego. He said that he will not stop talking to her. It is his one and only family and not going to lose connection. I don’t care if he talks to her once in awhile but when you start talking from the heart it is an emotional affair. He says he loves me but because he has 3 bad relationships with all the women leaving. I don’t think he knows how to love and enjoys the flirting todate from other women even tho he is in a commiment relationship. I guess I will see how things goes. I have posted on my wall the define of an emotional affair hopfully he gets it.