How DO you know the difference?
The line between a friendship and something more is razor thin. And maybe the only difference is ONE thought, ONE glance, ONE I-Wonder daydream.
I lived for a long time in a dangerous friendship without ever calling it an emotional affair.
This is how it went for me: We talked a LOT. We went to lunch or the gym together when my husband was not around, and we told him that we were hanging out. My husband knew we were close friends. We emailed, IMed, spent time on the phone talking about my husband (being that he was his best friend) and the problems we were having with our marriage.
And then there was my heart, my secret.
I didn’t want to admit to myself that I desired him, wanted him and felt conflicted about my own marriage. I didn’t want to admit that I would look for him in a crowd, that I dressed so that he would think I was pretty. I didn’t want to admit that I thought about him all. the. time.
And all of this before anything physical began.
Before.
And before either of us told the other how we felt. We didn’t need to.
Not every emotional affair morphs into a physical one. But many do. A physical affair begins in the heart before it ever moves to the bedroom.
There are hot co-workers, younger-than-you guys at church, really good looking dads at the elementary school. There might be the barista who remembers your name and smiles at you or the guy from high school who finds you on Facebook. Maybe it’s a professional relationship, thoroughly justified in it’s function, or a partnership in a ministry. Maybe its simply the husband of your best friend.
So how do you determine if your friendship is actually an emotional affair?
1. You find yourself thinking about him.
2. His attention makes you feel good.
3. You compare him to your husband.
4. You look for ways to be with him or reasons to talk to him, even in groups.
5. You would be embarrassed if your husband heard your conversations.
6. You would be embarrassed if your husband knew your thoughts.
I believe many women are living with dangerous friendships disguised, even to themselves, as emotional affairs.
An emotional affair can also be one sided. It doesn’t need to be a mutual attraction.
Did that get your attention?
Even if he’s never said anything suggestive to me, even if he’s never outwardly flirted with me, even if he’s never told me he thinks about me. What matters is the condition of my own heart.
What about you? Have you ever had an emotional affair? Do you wonder if a friendship you have NOW is an emotional affair?
(please feel free to leave comments as ANONYMOUS if you’d like to be more open with your sharing)
Sarah, my husband’s two adultery accomplices were both friends of mine. The first one was like a sister to BOTH of us… Altho I think we are well down the road of healing, we are only 9 months out from discovery. For the first affair my husband spent months secretly talking to my friend. She is a divorced mom of two and they regularly commiserated on how bad life was for each of them. After several months of this my friend propositioned my husband into the physical affair. My husband says he never felt any emotional attraction to her. He said she was a sounding board and eventually he succumbed to the free (different?) sex and flattery. I don’t say this to blame her or absolve him. I just want to concur with you that the emotional attraction does not have to be mutual and add that even if it isn’t, if a woman goes fishing, she might still get a bite. Certainly men can be emotionally attached but they are just as likely to be in it solely for the physical part. I don’t know if my friend was emotionally attached to him… I think probably so and that it was a wild fantasy for her because of her own brokeness. Basically I think my husband,for the brief period that they carried on, saw her as a “friend with benefits” altho I’m not sure that is altogether accurate. They were together 3 or 4 times and he describes their encounters as “cold and ugly.” ( I think subconsciously by husband wanted to punish me – for not meeting his needs but that’s a story for another time.) I watched a video online the other night from the ARC (Adultery Recovery Center) where the husband had an 18 year affair with his wife’s best friend and he stated that there was “no emotional attachment” but it was a relationship of “convenience.” Incredible, but that’s what he said.
My husband’s second affair began 4 months after the first ended. The second woman was also a friend of ours, only more of a distant one. She is married with 3 young children and her husband is currently in federal prison. My husband and our pastor were supposed to be looking out for her for her husband.
She and my husband also began talking on the phone. Because my husband had previously broken his vow and not repented, he went from first phone conversation with her to a hotel visit within about 2 weeks.
I am stunned and saddened by the rate of affairs with friends. I think we as believers have to recognize who our REAL enemy is here. The enemy of our souls doesn’t want to do a little damage in our lives. He wants to fly a plane into both of the twin towers and wreak as much devastation as he possibly can.
I think we need to guard our hearts with a fervent vigilance. This is such a slippery slope. Best to beware of our unique vulnerabilities AND the tricks of the devil. And I am so very thankful that we have God’s promise that He is working everything — even our stupid and sinful choices- for our good.
I pray God continues to strengthen, encourage and bless you for your wonderful ministry.
Sharmayn
Sharmayan,
Thank you so much for sharing all of that this morning. I know that I (and so many of these readers) appreciate what you’ve said.
what a powerful story. i’m so glad that you’ve been able to tell it to others. so many women need to hear that we are not alone.
Sarah it is like you have been listening to what has been going on in my head. I have been reading your blog for a while now and everything you say has made me sit and think. But tonight your words made me cry. I have been having those thoughts, those feeling not wanting to say what I thought was going on. You have made me finally realise what I am doing. I just don’t know what to do now. How do I stop those feelings? Where do I start?
Carrie, I’ve been right where you are! It was God who convicted me, one Sunday night. You have to STOP. Right now. EVERYthing to do with “him.” No phone calls, no contact of any kind – even email/IM. Rid your life of everything that reminds you of him – any saved messages, pictures, whatever brings him to mind.
Then you start over. With your husband. You focus on him, on what made you fall for him in the first place. I can promise you that it’s all still there, but you’ve been blocking it. Rediscover each other.
God can and will heal this – I never could have done it if He hadn’t stepped in and put a stop to it. But He is great!
i agree with what elaine suggested. but i also want to address the “how do i get my feelings to stop?”
1 – you can’t. not immediately anyway.
2 – but it’s possible. redirecting your emotions is a journey but one that you should attack with all the tools you have: prayer, the word of god and for me, the most effective thing was a simple daily (hourly sometimes) taking every thought captive. whenever i would think about him or something we’d done, i disciplined myself to think about something else, or my husband or ANYthing else.
It is so possible, and necessary. but it’s a journey of the mind and heart back to purity – i know that you can do it!!
thank you so much for being so honest here. =)
Carrie,
I listened to a sermon today by Mike Breaux on exactly this and one thing that he suggested was “defantasizing the myth”. Everything that seems so wonderful with this man is merely a ploy of Satan to get you to buy the myth that this is right and good and wonderful. It’s not. By defantasizing the myth, you think ahead to what acting out on your fantasies would do to you, your spouse, your children, and most importantly, to your relationship with God. Play out the scenarios in reality not in fantasy. There is only destruction ahead if you do.
The sermon I listened to today was preached over 12 years ago and dealt with some stuff that was tough for me to hear b/c my heart is still tender (my husband was the unfaithful one) and I thought to myself, why am I even putting myself through listening to this. Just maybe it was for you.
You can do this. We believe in you.
Love…
I LOVE the “defantasizing the myth” tip.
And I also believe in boundries. We promissed eachother that when someone would flirt with one of us we would bring the other of our kids up to scare them off and so we would not be tempted. I believe that falling in love is not just something that happens… it is a decision but one that has to be made very early on!!
But now even reading this I’m wondering, going to talk with my husband about a close friend of us and his co-worker who we are also pastoral counceling. I am sure that there is no affair but reading all the comments I ask myself can married man come so close with a women friend?! They text, they lunch, they call (but also so am I with her)…
I also know my husband has no emotional affair but I doubt if she has one. And I know in her current state she is emotionally dependent on me but also on my husband.
But there is no one else for her, she needs us right now.
Any tips/comments?
Not only did I have an emotional affair, it morphed into a physical affair.
Like you, my husband realized that we talked (he was an old boyfriend) but he had no idea the extent of it.
After my affair and the boundaries that I have set up I do believe that married men and women can not be friends.
My husband had a girl friend that he worked with. We went to dinner with her & her husband, went on their boat with them, etc. My husband frequently went to lunch with her, walked with her on breaks. I didn’t really feel comfortable with it but I didn’t really feel like he was doing anything wrong. Then he got a text on Valentine’s Day from her telling him “Happy Valentine’s Day” and I was NOT happy about that, at all. I told him. He pulled back a little then a few days later he recevied a text from her that said “I miss you”. I put my foot down and told him that no more. No more lunch, texting, emailing, walking, etc. He said okay and told her that. Then just a few days later she texted him again. This time, I contacted her and told her to stop. To not email, text, call or have any contact with him. She told me that MY husband was her best friend. I told her no more. Her husband needed to be her best friend.
All that to say, boundaries are very important. It is so easy for a perfectly innocent friendship to go the other way.
YES! I was reunited with (male) friends on Facebook. They would “chat” often and I never thought anything physical about it. When I started looking forward to two particular guys being online and giggle at their comments I realized I enjoyed the attention (my husband was not giving me).
Not long after a marriage counselor spoke at our church and how emotional affiars should be considered “adultery” because we’ve already given our best – our hearts – to another besides our spouse.
I cried – not because I was doing it, but because I had enjoyed the interaction. I confessed to my husband how these guys were making me feel good and I looked forward to their chats. When we got home that afternoon I deleted ALL males (except a cousin and my dad) from Facebook. Friends thought I had gone nuts but I had to do it.
the bible tells us to “guard your hearts” – for real!
thanks for posting this Sarah – more women need to take this seriously (especially the Twilight loving moms). One of my friends sadly posts status updates about how much she loves “Edward Cullen”, I always feel horrible for her husband – whom she speaks nothing about.
Stef
VERY interesting article… and as a man married for almost 16 years myself, I appreciated reading that from a woman’s point of view. I can see where the emotional emptiness being filled by a conversation, chats, and attention given (compliments, etc.) can cause a woman’s heard to long for that person.
In all honesty, when a man “initiates” this kind of relationship, there is emotional attachment involved. The woman will pay him compliments, tell him how sweet he is, basically fill an emotional void in HIS life. He finds the sexual attraction right there, he immediately connects it. Those questions to ask yourself you listed above to see if you have crossed the line, are ones a man can ask as well… do I get online on purpose to see if that woman is there? And when she’s NOT, am I disappointed?
Thank you for your honesty, REALLY!
thank you for being the token male voice this morning. i always appreciate that! =)
and thank you for adding what you did. it’s so true.
Sarah, this is almost exactly my story. Almost exactly. Everyone knew we were ‘friends,’ while no one knew where our hearts were.
No one.
And in the end, my husband was betrayed by not only his wife, but his friend as well. Double blow.
All that to say, it sneaks up on us. Such a fine line and we crossed it almost without blinking an eye. Before we knew it we were in the middle of a heartwrenching emotional and soon to be physical mess.
Frightening.
Thanks for talking about the hard things. It matters.
So thankful for redemption.
So what do you do when you find yourself here AND completely fulfilled by your own husband both physically and emotionally?
Anon~
It’s a trap. A trap that seems pleasing at the time, but will not end pretty. It won’t end pretty for anyone involved.
And without sounding harsh I fully believe and know from experience that for the marriage to survive, the other relationship must end. Sooner than later is best.
Fully cut off.
Completely ended.
A death of sorts.
End the emails.
End the phone calls.
No ‘chance meetings.’
No ‘just one more times’
It seems abrupt and rather extreme, but any continued contact, no matter the form only destroys. Eventually, it destroys. Buying into the lie that ‘I can handle this’ only brings destruction. It brings destruction on a personal, marital and spirtual level.
It can be done. Not at all easy, but it is possible.
AND, I can say this: if you were truly “completely fulfilled by your own husband both physically and emotionally” then why the attraction/emotions for this other guy? It IS a trap – set by Satan to mess up what God put together. Nikki’s right – end it totally and immediately.
and i have to add that it would have been better to end it before getting ‘caught.’ that was a painful force.
getting ‘caught’ just adds to the messiness of it all.
that’s why sooner than later is best.
Anon,
My husband also fulfilled all my needs and I had an affair on him. Why? Because I opened myself up to that.
My honest advice is:
You need to completely cut all ties in this relationship.
You need to tell your husband, confess, ask for forgiveness from him and from God.
You need to tell friends who can hold you accountable.
And everytime you feel the temptation to talk to him then pray, hard. And the temptation will still come around every so often. Six years later and there are days that I still have to pray, hard.
Thank you, Sarah for addressing a subject that needs to be addressed and have to watch myself in this area.
Preach it.
I watched my mom fall into the emotional affair pattern with a few guys for a little over a year. I was a senior in highschool. And I watched her flirt with others…at the gym, church, starbucks. And the whole time I felt uneasy about it. I would look at my dad, give him question glances, and even outright ask him if he thought everything was ok.
He would tell me “your mom needs her space and I shouldn’t control her. she is just experiencing new freedoms…”
oh, ok.
Later, my dad and I found out together that she was in the middle of a full-blown affair. After we found out, the affair wasn’t officially over for another year and a half.
And although my parents have been fighting for their marriage ever since (4 years) our family is left picking up the pieces of our own hearts still…(me and my sisters…)
Looking back, it REALLY bothers me that my dad condoned my mom’s behavior because it was teaching me that it was ok to act like that. My mom told me about other guys all the time (her “friends”) and even had me go over with her to their houses sometimes. I felt sucked into a confusing world and I tried to be the good, submissive daughter. I hated it and I didn’t think it was right. But they were my parents.
When I was dating/engaged to my husband, we put up really strict boundaries because we wanted no part of that in our lives. We have been married almost three years and continually evaluate our boundaries and we are SO honest with each other. We have had to tell each other some embarrasing things about where our thoughts have sometimes drifted but it has helped to keep us so pure before one another because once the thought is confessed to the other it seems to lose the power of secrecy in our own hearts.
Thanks for this post Sarah. I am SO passionate about this topic!
“I am SO passionate about this topic!”
I am too… I have found such tremendous help as an adultery survivor from blogs like Sarah’s and Justin & Trisha’s and from couples like Gary and Mona Shriver (Unfaithful). They all have a tremendous witness to the redemption available from our great God. But I now call myself a WAC (Wife Against Cheating), similar to the Mother’s Against Drunk Driving. (Yes, my husband’s betrayal has made me very wac-ky!):) I want people to know BEFORE they “fall” the truth and reality of how AWFUL the infidelity pit really is!
Sarah~
As I read your post this morning and all the comments so far I am sitting here STUNNED! It is as if you came into my home and watched the dynamics here for a few days and went to post about it.
My story is soooo very similar to yours, Misty’s and Stef’s above that it is scary. First love, found again on FB, and now full force into something I know should be stopped. Right now it’s emotional… scared and really, if I am being honest, not wanting it to stop.
My marriage of 16 years, my 3 precious children, and my own heart deserve more I know.
Thank you for hitting me square in the face this morning with a huge dose of reality. This is why I keep following…
Anon, if you want to talk more privately via email please feel free to email me anytime.
bookworm614@bellsouth.net
I whole heartedly agree with your post. I had an emotional affair with a friend. The attraction was mutual & he not being a Christian meant he had no morals whatsoever &he was keen for it to be physical. I thank God that in his mercy the whole thing (although it was a huge issue at the time) came to a head with a kiss which was a massive wake up call for me. My husband is the most attentive man on earth & I have no idea how it happened in the first place. The enemy will use anybody & anything to break up Christian marriages. Be on your guard!! Jesus said if we look lustfully upon another person it’s as though we were having an affair. Yes. Be on your guard!
@Emsy–
I don’t mean to get off-topic here, but in your post you wrote, “he not being a Christian meant he had no morals whatsoever.” I feel it important to point out that simply because someone is not Christian does not mean they have no morals. There are many people who live good lives and have high standards of behavior, but do not believe in Christ. As a fellow Christian, I think we can do more to help people recognize Christ as their Savior if we don’t arbitrarily lump all non-Christians into one category or another, and seek to acknowledge that there is good in everyone.
I do appreciate the remainder of your comment, though. You end with sound advice to “be on your guard!”
I can see what you are saying – in my haste to reply I wasn’t thinking too clearly!!
Yes. I agree there are many men & women who are not followers of Jesus who have morals. This particular guy doesn’t. He’d had an affair before he came onto me (his wife told me afterwards) & an addiction to online porn. All this is does not make him a moral person in my book!
The reason I got to know this guy in the first place was through a Church outreach project. We were trying to reach him & many others with the gospel of Jesus. In this case it all went a bit wrong.
The enemy’s at work & it’s about time the church realised this. So many times men & women are put into close proximity to serve a ‘ministry’ only to find they’re working FAR too closely together & almost the inevitable happens.
I’m not married but I saw this with two friends (she wasn’t married but he was). I could see that she was getting emotionally attached but he didn’t think anything of it. It was embarassing to see her flirt with him. But thank God someone must have said something because one day he backed off big time. And basically gave her the “you’ve gone too far” signal. And she got the message loud and clear. For me, I think it’s creepy when married men flirt with me (it happens every now and then). Even if they’re Christians and they think it’s all innocent. I’m here to tell you it isn’t. It makes me feel uncomfortable and sorry for their wives.
Sarah, bless you today for being the voice that delivered the guidance I needed! I have been struggling with something – how I can speak about God when the heart of the audience is not focussed on the message but the messenger? There is a couple we know – not really friends but not unfriendly. We come from very different worlds and the husband has expressed an attraction to me, and no matter what I have said or done it does not deter him. I have tried sharing God’s word with them – she laughs, he wants to talk more. But his actions and words are demeaning to his wife which I cannot (and do not) support. I have, after reading your post, and with much prayer, decided not to continue the friendship with them. I cannot stop him from feeling attracted to me, and I am most definitely not interested in anyone but my husband. I cannot share God’s word when this man is having an affair with me in his mind – one sided as it may be. I cannot listen to them cut pieces out of each other for sport. I will not confuse my son about things like fidelity, honour and love. This won’t be a popular decision with some people, but it is the one I know in my heart is best. Thanks for your words Sarah, you have truly blessed me. Please pray for this couple that God sends them someone to share that they can respect and listen to. There is no real respect when it is tainted with lust and longing.
It is so hard to do something like that when others don’t understand – but you are definitely making the right choice!
I pray for God’s strength to withstand any critisicm…if other people only knew how pleased God is with your decision!
Heidi S: Thank you so much for your comforting words and support. They won’t understand but I know in my heart and I see it in my husband’s eyes that it is the right thing for all of us. Bright blessings, always and in all ways.
What an intense post. In the first months of our marriage I felt my husband wasn’t all thrilled with me anymore. Just when I felt unattractive to my husband, attention from different men seemed assuring. By attention I meant a smile, a fast conversation, someone checking me out, after all, it was flattery not from any particular man but from anyone. My husbands attention and affection has changed and I feel like a new girlfriend to him.
I don’t believe there ever has to be a physical attraction for an emotional affair to take place. I believe when one spouse looks to have their emotional needs met by someone of the opposite sex other than the person they are married to, that is an emotional affair… even if neither party is ever tempted to take it to a physical level. When one partner spends time going out in the evenings with this “friend” leaving the other spouse home, goes to movies, lunches, dinner, to the friend’s home to talk, being the taxi service for late night trips to the airport multiple times, etc… this is still an emotional affair even if neither ever think about going to bed with the other person but instead say “They are like a sister/brother to me”. If emotional needs are being met outside of the marriage with the opposite sex, that IS an emotional affair.
I don’t talk about this with anyone, and I’ve certainly never been brave enough to write about it on my own blog, but I was involved in an emotional affair for over 3 years. There was never anything physical between us, but the emotions and the attraction and the sheer NEED to have him in my life almost destroyed me. It robbed me of time with my family. It negatively impacted my career. It possessed me, kept me awake at night, and turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. Not to mention what it did to my relationship with God.
Even after we were “caught” (a story in itself), I continued to justify myself by saying “it was never physical”. We were never alone, physically. We never even kissed. But what I was missing then, and finally realize now, is that an emotional affair is probably worse than a sexual affair because it involves your heart. Your dreams. And it eats away at your present while it steals your future.
I wouldn’t be honest unless I admit that even now, 4 years after it ended, I still struggle some days. Sometimes there’s guilt, sometimes there’s “what if’s”. Mostly I just wish I could take it all back, because I’m not entirely sure I’ll ever be free of it. That’s mostly because I can’t forgive myself for what I did. And yet, some days I still wonder how he’s doing…
This is why I appreciate your transparency SO MUCH, Sarah. You are very brave.
Everything you said, and then some! It SO eats away at your dreams! Thank you!
There was a guy I worked with. God he was (is) attractive. There wasn’t even problems with my marriage. I was and even more now extremely happily married. But this guy. He threw me for a loop. I did what you did, if I knew he was going to be in town at our office I dressed “up”. I’d think about him. Day dream about him. I had a dream that we had an affair – well I’m assuming it went that way cause I woke up just as think got started. Those images…of that dream are burned into my mind. I kept things that reminded me of him.
After I quit that job I’d look for his picture on the internet. I found him on facebook and would just go look at his picture. It made me feel warm and fuzzy – even though I’m madly in love with my husband.
FINALLY spurred on by reading your story and that of another woman’s in the same week I stopped. I took his name off IM. I’ve sworn to never look him up again. I do my best to not let my mind go towards thoughts of him. Though we live in different states I don’t want to even think of going down that road.
i’m so glad, p.
that is a difficult decision but i’m so glad that you made the right one. thank you for being so open and honest here in the comments.
I don’t if anyone will read down this far – posts are getting numerous, but I want to say, if you are finding yourself even asking this question: “Am I in this?”, it’s probably a good time to turn and run the other way. And, if you know the answer is “yes”, do everything you can to STOP. It’s not worth it!!!
Mine was never physical, either, but like Chrissy, it almost destroyed me anyhow. I completely agree with this: “It robbed me of time with my family. It negatively impacted my career. It possessed me, kept me awake at night, and turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. Not to mention what it did to my relationship with God.”
I am only very briefly OUT of it. (Sarah, I actually emailed you on this because your story touched me so much), but I am really struggling to forgive myself. I knew better.
And the “gut punch” for me, is I work with this man. So, I still see him. And it takes everything in me…no, everything that I don’t have (but God does)…to just walk past him, to not go see him, to not email. And he has done a few things to “remind me” that he’s still there. I am learning about “reaping what you sow”.
So, yes, even if it’s not physical, it HURTS, it SCARS. It can tear your life apart. It’s NOT WORTH IT!
Hi shelly – did you email me today? I dont think i got it.
and yes, you are so right. it is not worth it at all. thank you so much for commenting. =)
Still struggling with the forgiveness part of it, as well. I KNOW that God has forgiven me for the “safe, just-emotional, never-physical” affair, but I haven’t forgiven myself. Plus, Satan doesn’t lose an opportunity to remind me of how un-worthy I am. Any situation that arises where I am unhappy with my contribution (for ex, in the music area) Satan’s right there throwing this thing back in my face.
Any suggestions, ladies? I’d really like to forgive myself – it’s been over 6 years, thank you God!, and I need to move on!
Believe God, Elaine… He is not a score keeping god! NONE of us is righteous, worthy, acceptable on our own! NOBODY! Not even one! When God looks at you He sees the clean slate that His Son’s blood bought for you and me. Accept it. Receive it. His forgiveness and acceptance are not dependent upon your goodness or your good behavior. Rehearse the Truth of who you are and WHOSE you are. BELIEVE IT!
Sending so much love to you.
Elaine,
for me the forgiveness of myself happened the more that I shared with others my story. When the opportunity arises (someone spouse had an affair, a friend is thinking about it, etc) I tell mine and Darrin’s story. I tell about Gods mercy, grace and forgiveness. I tell about how God brought us through that time and how He has restored our marriage and it is now better than it ever was!
Six years later and I am not ashamed (ashamed of my bad choice) but I no longer allow satan to use my bad choice against me but I do allow God to use it for Him.
bookworm614@bellsouth.net
Song of Solomon encourages us to catch the little foxes that are out to ruin our vineyard (SOS 2:15). Thanks for doing the same!
Thank you thank you thank you for posting this. For giving me a better idea of what be on the lookout for, and what to run from.
Really.
Proud of you both, Sarah.
I think you & The Chad are amazing, btw.
thank you mandy. =)
miss you friend.
This is a great article, Sarah, and a great reminder that we must always be paying attention to not only to our relationships but to our thoughts, because it seems that a lot of emotional affairs are played out in the imagination and thought life. Jesus said that if a man even thought about a woman in lust he was committing adultery with her. Is it not the same for a woman when she thinks of a man not her husband?
absolutely. i agree!
An emotional affair… yeah, been there. I feel hard for my old pastor’s son, who has more issues than Rolling Stone, and wasn’t, even then, right with God. I think there was some of the ‘fix it’ impulse, certainly wanting to be the one who understood him. There was a proposition at one point that I somehow managed to turn down (and spent hours shaking like a leaf over) and a lot of accountability to keep me from going to the dark side, so to speak.
But it took FIVE YEARS before I saw it for what it was. Even though we weren’t together, being across the country from each other, it took him having a child with someone else and still talking to me as though he or I was available for a relationship before I saw myself as his emotional mistress, taking from the relationship he has with the mother of his son. And I felt so dirty, so sick at the realization, that it effectively severed the tie I had to him. But man, FIVE YEARS. That’s a long time to not be able to see anyone else, to not let anyone else near your heart. And even now, I can’t let too many people close because of what that did to me. What I did to myself in that whole mess. Because I can’t blame him, not really. He isn’t following God, hadn’t been when I fell for him, and I knew that, but I did it anyway.
Makes me wonder if loving the wrong person like that is a sin…. certainly feels like it from hindsight, given the amount of pain and regret it has caused.
But no one could tell me what I was doing was wrong. You convince yourself that love is never wrong, but sometimes it IS. When it’s for the wrong person, the wrong reasons, or begins in the wrong place/time, it can definitely be wrong. God may eventually bless it, but like David and Bathsheba, it can be VERY wrong, even if God uses it for good.
The same thing can be said for men who entertain such friendships with ‘women’. For myself as teh wife, even if it’s not physical, it HURTS, it SCARS and it does tear your life apart. It did mine.
Something my soon to be ex-husband could not understand why I could not accept that he enjoyed having female friends over men friends. Sigh.
Thanks for the posting!! Blessings to you and yours,
Simply BIB
Well said! Thank you for the challenge and perspective!
Thank you Sarah for being so open and vulnerable with your story. I have no doubt God led me to your blog when I needed it the most. I too, am one of the many women it seems, to have been involved in an affair with my husbands best friend. What started off as innocent, a friendship that mostly focused on our ministry together at church, took on a life of its own and in no time, I was drowning in the strongest sunami like battle of my life that I have not yet fully recovered from. I want to encourage any woman who is in the beginning stages of the “friendship” with another male to understand that where you end up is..always..a horrific place. Your heart has been altered, your emotions are a mess, the guilt is enormous and the sorrow that comes after realizing what you’ve done is not worth any amount of fun that you may be experiencing. Praise the Lord, we have a Father who sympathizes with us in our weaknesses and is so full of mercy and forgiveness that He redeems and restores our hearts, no matter how messed up it is. Thankful today for women who are honest with the struggle and a God who uses the internet to show truth and show us the way out.
If I add anything to this conversation it must be a plea to those of you who are still at cross roads….to the woman who feels she can not possibly walk away from this friendship that means so much to her…that has become her happiness, her life is centered around this person….my plea is to run. Do what I was not strong enough to do. Death of relationships and destruction will come if you don’t. What I live with I would not wish on anyone. The wife of the man I fell in love with (they were both my best friends for many years) told me after the affair became known, “I hope that you go to bed every night for the rest of your life knowing that my kids are going to bed without their father being there.” They are now divorced. And though my husband and I are healing our relationship there are scars that remain and I will never be the same person. I would give anything to have the chance to go back and do things different.
Heidi..I am praying for you today. God put on my heart this verse to share with you “I rescued you..because I delight in you” Psalm 18:19 Keep your eyes on Him Heidi, and not the failure or regret. He loves you and delights in who you. Praying for complete restoration for you and your marriage.
Thank you so much Janet…that means a lot to me. Prayer is so powerful!!! I just can not imagine being free of the guilt. I don’t think that I really believe that I deserve to be free from it. Even though I know scriptually this is not truth and I would never feel this way about another person. It is just so hard applying grace to myself in this situation.
I have never, ever mentioned this to anyone, but I feel compelled to share. Very early on in my marriage, I think I was in great danger of crossing the line into a physical affair. There was DEFINITELY something emotional going on. Definitely.
God moved us away – literally. We lived in a major metropolitan area, and my husband couldn’t find a job. It was unbelievable – especially in his field! God closed EVERY door, forcing us to move away. We’re not very far away, but far enough that nothing further could happen. I am so grateful that He did that, as who knows how bad things would’ve become!
To this day I regret how I handled myself. I regret having done it at all – especially so early on in our marriage! (It started during our first year, and lasted about a year.)
Anyway, thank you for your willingness to share so much. Thank you for the reminder of just how fine that line is. Thank you for providing a place in which things like this can be discussed openly!
hi i wanna friend i need them
I guess I’m having an emotional affair with my bff from jr. high. Except I don’t want to admit it and I don’t want to end it. He is all I have from my childhood. We live thousands of miles apart. We don’t IM or talk on the phone. But when I have to go back “home” to take care of my dad and grammie (every couple of months) we sometimes meet for dinner and my husband knows. We talk about good times in the past, old friends, our kids. I don’t think about this guy all the time, in fact not very often at all. So … is this an emotional affair? And maybe if my marriage weren’t on such shaky ground right now it wouldn’t matter that I hang with an old friend. But perhaps it does matter. I’m so confused.
It does matter Cathy….I am sorry to have to say it but it does….my friend too was from childhood. I loved him as dearly as any family member and he knew me better than anyone…even my own husband. If I could go back I would only spend time with him when I was with my husband. Now it is too late for me….my friend is gone from my life. I never would have believed this could happen. But it has. If you really value this friendship put boundaries and borders around it. Make the walls high!
Wish I could do the same.
I guess I would say if he is fulfilling an emotional need in you as woman even if you aren’t attracted to him it’s probably a bad idea to continue it. Just a warning from someone who almost destroyed it all. Thank you so much for being so honest!
i don’t think he’s filling my emotional needs as a woman…i think he’s filling my emotional needs from my childhood, which i never really got to experience. i believe it’s my “inner child” that is getting satisfaction from spending time with him. does that make sense? Our boundaries are very clear because i value this relationship so much.
YES, it makes so much sense! I had my friend for many years…from the age of 13. And he fulfilled so many of my unmet childhood needs!!! And then one day I looked at him and saw him differently….I believe I was 29 at that time. It was like someone had flipped a switch. I didn’t recognize any warning signs, though I am sure they were there. I had been spending much more time alone with my friend. I think you are wise to have very strong boundaries. It is just so hard when the switch gets flipped to get things back to where they should be. I was never strong enough to make that happen and in the end (10 years later) he is gone permanently from my life. Will pray for you as you sort through your own friendship! HUGS!
PS- one more thought Cathy…I realize now that though I blamed my husband for not meeting my emotional needs that I really did not give him a chance to do that. He never had to and he knew it. They were already met by someone else.
I will never forget what a woman once told me before I got married. She shared a story of how while she was completely happiliy married…at one of her local stores there was a handsome man that worked there. One day she noticed that she looked for him when she went to the store. At that, she NEVER went back and applies that kind of attitude and action to her marriage I think being this intentional at protecting our HEARTS is crucial. I continue to do my best at shutting doors when I see a little something in the VERY FAR distance. It is only the women in my life like you and others that have been open enough and cared enough to share with me, admonish, rebuke and warn me because they love me, I am SO glad that they have AND do!!
Oh wow…so needed this discussion today. I have been very emotionally attracted to my pastor for some time now, and even though nothing between us has been acknowledged I feel some tension there. I have recently opened up to my husband about this struggle, and I am wanting so much to be free from this. We are praying about relocating (due to job circumstances), but I can’t help but think I just need to get as far away as possible from this situation, and a move might be the best way to make a clean break. Of course, I want to get to the bottom of WHY I fell into this situation in the first place so it doesn’t happen with someone else. I am praying that I will fall madly in love with my husband all over again.
do you think for full repentance and restoration, an emotional and/or physical affair needs to be told to the spouses? Or can one just walk away and repent before the Lord? I have a bff who is single just exiting this type of situation and feels extreme weight that the guy she was involved with needs to confess to his wife. HE WON’T. She is feeling obligated to come clean with his wife(especially since they have also become friends). What do you think????? Less damage is done to this man and his family if they don’t find out. 5 young kids are involved. However, she(we) feel the wife has a right to know about his infidelity and it may lead to repentance and restoration of a hurting marriage if his ways are revealed. It crushes my friend to think she may throw him out and the kids will lose their daddy! UGH! Any thoughts would be good!
that’s a really really difficult situation.
yes, the wife absolutely has the right to know, but should the “other woman” be the one to tell? not sure. no, especially if it just to get it off her chest. not a good enough reason.
the husband’s relationships with his wife and God is not her concern, in fact, i think she should extract herself from their lives as soon as possible.
maybe there is a pastor or trusted friend that she could talk to who could confront the husband?
like i said, it’s really sticky. i think that honesty is always best. but i think your friend should seek godly counsel before she decides to tell the wife.
Most wise advice Sarah…I agree 100%
I think it’s not your friends responsibility to tell the woman, it’s his marriage so if he feels that it’s not necessary, even if it damages his marriage by not doing so that is his decision and his actions.
If she feels the need to do something to “fix” this I’d say her responsibility would be to cut ties with both of them.
While ever she’s friends with his wife she will still be in his life, even if it’s not directly, the reminders will be there, causing him to struggle as he tries to restore his marriage, keeping her on his mind.
If she isn’t involved in any aspect of his life (even just as the role of “friend of wife”) then I really believe she has done her part towards restoring that marriage. There are only supposed to be *2* people in a marriage but if she stays involved to try and fix things she’s still intruding…
If you want a man’s perspective, here is one.
I fell into the exact thing you are talking about here, I ended up getting into an emotional affair with a woman that we even talked to each other about and discussed that neither of us wanted it to go any further than friends. That lasted for a while and then the physical happened and we both felt horrible and broke off all contact with each other. Then after a several months, we started talking again and before too long, the same thing happened and this time it was even more involved, but the friendship felt so good and right. What happened in the time between the episodes was I was looking for that connnection and my wife was not it, so I started looking other places and found it.
Finally, one Sunday night I was sitting in church and God hit me up side the head like never before, and a peace came over me that the truth was the freedom I was looking for and I told my wife everything, not only the affair, but things I had thought for years and even before we were married. We ended up going to counseling and I learned so much about myself and relationships, I wished I had known these things from the beginning of my marriage. Ultimately my marriage ended in divorce, but the lessons learned from the whole experience are with me for ever and I am determined to pass them onto my children and anyone else that would want them.
One of the most important things I learned from this whole ordeal is the power of being friends, just think about the power of a true friendship, one where you totally trust the other person to share everything about you and you know they have your back and will accept you even with your faults (kind of sounds like what Jesus does for us).
So, if I am allowed to offer some advice, become the best friend you can possibly be with your spouse and the openness and trust between you will drive away any need for an emotional affair with anyone else.
Excellent advice. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
May I make one further comment about a woman’s emotional condition… I recently read an interview with Shannon Ethridge of SexuallyConfidentWife.com ( Every Woman’s Battle, The Sexually Confident Wife). Early in her marriage she was thinking of leaving her husband (and told him so) because she felt unfulfilled in the marriage. She said that after she told her husband of her dissatisfaction he said something like, ” Shannon, you have a Grand Canyon of emotional needs. Every man in Dallas could line up at our door and you would not be satisfied. Until you do business with the Lord you are never going to be happy.”
I just want to encourage those women who are struggling with out-of-bounds attractions to do some serious soul searching. Recognize that there is only One who can fulfill our deepest longings. Isaiah 54:5 says ” Your Maker is your husband…” I think this is true no matter what your marital status. The Lord has to be our God/Husband, the One who “completes” us. That is an awful (and impossible) burden to place on another human being. People fail. You fail. Your husband will fail. But God never fails. I saw a blog post somewhere today entitled, “Even a great husband is a poor God.” And someone else’s husband is MOST certainly a terrible god.
Invite God into your struggle with your desires. God has commanded us to “be holy,” to “guard your heart” and to “flee sexual immorality.” He does not command us to do a thing and then leave us to figure out how to obey the command. When we are totally surrendered to the Spirit of God, then we have the power to obey. But we have to want to… Sometimes we struggle because we treasure our sin, treasure our own will, we worship ourselves and our selfish desires.
I just want to encourage us all to SURRENDER. Surrender to the Lord. Be real. Tell the Lord, “Lord, I need you. I need you to change my “want to’s” so that I can WANT to do Your will.” He is so faithful. He wants us to win over sin, to live victoriously. We just have to submit and surrender ourselves, to “offer our bodies as a living sacrifice” so that He can show Himself real and strong in our lives.
By God’s grace, I will celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary in a few months. And I am way closer to 50 than I’m comfortable with. I don’t know why but I feel a “mother spirit” over all of you.
I’m praying for every woman connected to Sarah’s blog.
With the Lord’s deep and extravagant love for you all…
When Zack and I were dating, so like 5 years ago, we started to drift emotionally. My eyes had wandered to a classmate and I felt SO GUILTY talking to him and seeing him on campus that I broke up with Zack before anything irresponsible happened.
And when I broke up with Zack, he was crushed. I could see how I had killed his spirit by “letting him go”. And so that crushed MY spirit. We were apart for about 3 months, and the entire time I wanted nothing to do with this classmate but only to do everything with Zack. Seeing how “easy” it is to hurt someone you love made me sick to my stomach. I had the urge to throw up constantly. I was so mad at myself!!!
I am so thankful to have experienced this — especially before we were married. It is so important to remember the vows you make on your wedding day, how much you invest in your spouse and how much the rely on you for safety, etc.
…Crazy how I had forgotten about that classmate until now. My eyes are SO glued to my hubby.
Thanks, Sarah. I heart you and your honesty :]
The Lord’s working through you Sarah! “Turn these ashes into beauty.” You have no more ashes left from the past, all beauty, amazing stunning beauty. Whenever Marc and I have talked about this subject I’ve always told him, “I don’t think I’ll ever have an affair, because I know I, being a sinner, am capable of one.” Before he came into my life I grew tired of complicated friendships, and put all my male friendships in a place where if I were to marry someday those friendships wouldn’t have to change. Well, I didn’t have frienships with guys after that, LOL. My life was a lot less complicated. Praise the Lord He gave me this wisdom before I entered marriage. I pray that the women who read your blog share these insights with women who don’t. God bless you! Looking forward to an awesome retreat with you
You know, sometimes I wish that my affair had just been physical– no strings attached sex; solely because of the sheer volume of pain and heartache involved in getting over the “emotional” part of my affair that happened before we moved on to physical. To me, that emotional part was the MOST destructive and the most deceptive.
Of course I know that God had to reach me somehow; had to get through all my walls and dysfunction and show me that I could still be used, that I could still not take care of myself or survive without Him, no matter how hard I tried.
I think that if you are pouring yourself any to any man other than your spouse and looking for validation, approval, kindness, encouragement, laughs, even learning about God, you HAVE TO RUN FAR FAR AWAY as fast as you can and sever all contact as quickly as possible–that is an emotional affair for sure.
Steps for ladies struggling–
1. Seek God wholeheartedly with repentance and abject begging for healing from the lust you are allowing to overtake you; learn to seek His voice on how YOU can change YOUR heart
2. Find someone trusted to tell and who will hold you accountable biblically and lovingly
3. Accept that your husband is not perfect and never will be–only Jesus was perfect. Your husband can never live up to your every hope, dream, wish and can never fulfill your every desire. Only GOD can do that. When you learn to embrace and rejoice in that, all the faults you think you are seeing are diminished when colored with grace and mercy for a fellow sinner.
Will be praying for all the ladies struggling and all the ladies harmed by affairs. Truly devastating to live though, but so much beauty comes after the dark.
Blessings~
LIndsey
So needless to say this topic hit a nerve! What great conversation.
So during the time that lead up to our marriage melting down, I had my share of outside “emotional connecting”. I had reconnected with an old girlfriend from High School via email and we started to talk….all the time. It progressed from causal conversation, remembering old times, etc and eventually led up to very intimate phone conversations. Things never got to the point of physical contact but by the time I ended it, the damage to my heart had been done and the gap between Sarah and I had been widened.
I had found an outlet for my emotions and deepest thoughts that required no investment or risk of hurt on my part. My relationship with this girl was not valid because it didn’t require anything of me! Anything: faith, salvation, marriage, true friendship, love, all requires risk and exposing our hearts COMPLETE. Both good and bad, ugly and beautiful, dirty and clean, articulate and foolish, EVERYTHING EXPOSED.
Don’t cheapen your marriage by selling what you have for so little.
Love this post, Sarah. I love that you included that an emotional affair can be one sided. It can be based on a connection…a fantasy. Great dialogue going on here. Love Chad’s last comment.
This brings back memories. Im five years past the discovery of my husbands emotional affair but it hurts just like yesterday when I sit and think about the discovery and painful roller coaster that followed. As painstaking as it was, we were able to seek the good through the bad. We started to attend church which has strengthened our marriage and family. God provided me with Christian friends who offer me love and support. Most of all I have a relationship with God that I didnt have before. I sought him out of my deepest sorrow and he was right there. It is something I cherish. Not sure I would have all that I do now, if it hadnt been for the trials. Oddly enough, I would go through it all again to learn and recieve all that I have because of it.
Wow, I needed to read this. I am involved in an emotional affair with a married man. Numerous justifications and excuses- but it doesn’t change the facts. I always said that I would never, never do that- why? Having just finalized a divorce from a cheating husband had me saying that I would never do that to another person, never cause that kind of hurt. Funny how satan can twist your words and desires, as you jump head first into that pit.
It needs to stop today.
Thanks for posting this, Sarah. I found your blog through a link Ashleigh tweeted recently, and have been following ever since!
I needed to read this. Even though I’m a young single girl in my early twenties with no husband to stay faithful to (if I can put it that way), I have been struggling with this exact heart issue over the last two months but have never ever mentioned it to anyone.
Growing up in a family of predominantly brothers has caused me to be able to relate to guys almost effortlessly. But while it is helpful in getting along with guy friends, the trip-up lies in the fact that I come in contact daily with a lot of married young men, whether in my workplace or ON THE WAY to my workplace. One day while on my way to office a few months ago, a guy who sometimes takes the same subway as me approached and introduced himself. I was happy to make new friends, until I found out that he was already married. That started alarm bells in my head. But I reasoned with myself that we were ‘just friends’ and that we weren’t doing anything wrong by talking with each other whenever we met on the train, or that we were just ‘having fun’ when he sent me flirty smses. The sad truth is that I enjoyed the attention. It flattered me that such a gorgeous-looking guy who was already married would find me attractive or want to “be friends” with me. He, being a guy, naturally pushed the physical boundaries of the ‘friendship’ that I had set, asking for hugs and goodbye kisses before he alighted off at his stop each day. Thank God for a sharp conscience and steady will that refused to give in even when the temptation for just one hug, just ONE kiss, was SO strong.
I have seen the lives of dear friends torn up by ugly divorces as a result of unfaithfulness, and have always told myself that I wouldn’t be so foolish as to give my heart away to someone who was already ‘taken.’ Yet here I was, before I could even catch myself, already sliding down imperceptibly into that very trap which I loathed. The worst part was that I was going into it with my eyes open. I knew just HOW disastrous the consequences could be if I let this relationship go any further, but the emotionally needy side of me reveled in the attention and strained against the tight reins of my conscience in wanting to daydream about the guy or entertain the “What If”s and “If only he wasn’t married” ideas.
What woke me up was when I tried to place myself in the shoes of his wife (whom I have never met). I may not know her personally, but one thing I knew for certain was that I would NOT be happy if I found out that my handsome young husband was playing around in this manner with other girls whom I don’t even know exist! We had done nothing physically, but I knew that if I replaced his wife in meeting his emotional needs, I was already wronging her.
I do not want to be responsible for ruining an 8-year strong relationship between this man and his wife…AND, I want to have a whole heart to give to my husband-to-be (whom I have yet to meet), not just fragments of a heart which has been emotionally wasted on other people. So far, I have made it a point to leave earlier for work instead of the usual time so that we do not need to take the same train, and have not attempted to contact him in any way. It is still a struggle at times, and the temptation to think about him wrongly still comes strong, but I am determined to do what is right in God’s sight, even if no one else even knows about my struggles.
Sarah, reading your post as well as all these comments just strengthened my resolve to stay true to God and to my heart. Thank you so much for your honesty.
i am SO glad. thank you so much for sharing.
Sarah,
I saw this on a friends facebook, and it is weird that I actually saw this. I am newly married. My husband had a girlfriend who lives far far away from us. But, we agreed not to talk to our ex’s because it hurt our feelings. Well, a month before we got married HE contacted her. He tried three times before she replied back. They were up until 4 in the morning for 2 days talking back and forth. I know he used to love her. I just don’t know what to do. I think about it EVERYDAY. Did he tell her he still loved her (he denies). Did he let her know he misses her (he denied). When I found out, I asked if it was his ex. Flat out lied to my face several times! He says it will never happen again. He wants nothing to do with her. “I love you, and married you because I want to be with YOU.” What now?
My heart breaks for you! This must be such an awkward painful thing to feel
I don’t really have any advice except this:
Confront him without being confrontational – if you don’t think you can do it without getting emotional or sounding accusing write it down so you can hand it to him and say that you don’t think you could say this outloud without sounding like you’re pointing fingers and that playing the blame game is not the point.
Explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable that he is still in contact with someone that he once loved and that those feelings are easier to unearth than you might think.
Tell him all the good qualities that you love about him and tell him that if you can see those and you can love those then so can other women, and that by remaining in contact with her he could be sending the wrong signals. She might think he is open to something more than friendship and that maybe it would be best for everyone involved that he limit his contact with her.
If talk to him about this without accusing him of having an affair, and do it in a way that things don’t get heated and end in a fight you have a far better chance of getting your feelings across to him.
PS I mention not accusing him because, while I don’t know your husband, I know myself and I’m the kind of person who gets so mad when people accuse me of doing something I’m not that it is really hard for me to not just go “well they think that of me anyway so I may as well do what I’m in trouble for”… It’s almost like a challenge to me when someone treats me like that.
Hi.
I don’t know what to do exactly in your situation, but i do know that there needs to be complete honesty. even if your husband does not want to be with his ex girlfriend, clearly she is meeting some sort of emotional need in him to be in that close of contact.
maybe it’s even something he can’t even verbalize (a lot of men have trouble talking about their feelings b/c they don’t know how to describe or recognize them the same way that women do).
but either way, no man who stays in contact with his ex the way your husband is understands how that act alone is devaluing his relationship with you.
here is something else to consider: you said that you agreed not to talk to your exes because it “hurt your feelings”. i don’t think that’s a good enough reason alone. you should agree not to talk to your exes b/c it is dangerous to stir up old feelings, and it’s just not a safe environment for a couple attempting to remain faithful.
i hope this helps a little.
Thanks for posting this, Sarah. I found your blog through a link Ashleigh tweeted recently, and have been following ever since!
I needed to read this. Even though I’m a young single girl in my early twenties with no husband to stay faithful to (if I can put it that way), I have been struggling with this exact heart issue over the last two months but have never ever mentioned it to anyone.
Growing up in a family of predominantly brothers has caused me to be able to relate to guys almost effortlessly. But while it is helpful in getting along with guy friends, the trip-up lies in the fact that I come in contact daily with a lot of married young men, whether in my workplace or ON THE WAY to my workplace. One day while on my way to office a few months ago, a guy who sometimes takes the same subway as me approached and introduced himself. I was happy to make new friends, until I found out that he was already married. That started alarm bells in my head. But I reasoned with myself that we were ‘just friends’ and that we weren’t doing anything wrong by talking with each other whenever we met on the train, or that we were just ‘having fun’ when he sent me flirty smses. The sad truth is that I enjoyed the attention. It flattered me that such a gorgeous-looking guy who was already married would find me attractive or want to “be friends” with me. He, being a guy, naturally pushed the physical boundaries of the ‘friendship’ that I had set, asking for hugs and goodbye kisses before he alighted off at his stop each day. Thank God for a sharp conscience and steady will that refused to give in even when the temptation for just one hug, just ONE kiss, was SO strong.
I have seen the lives of dear friends torn up by ugly divorces as a result of unfaithfulness, and have always told myself that I wouldn’t be so foolish as to give my heart away to someone who was already ‘taken.’ Yet here I was, before I could even catch myself, already sliding down imperceptibly into that very trap which I loathed. The worst part was that I was going into it with my eyes open. I knew just HOW disastrous the consequences could be if I let this relationship go any further, but the emotionally needy side of me reveled in the attention and strained against the tight reins of my conscience in wanting to daydream about the guy or entertain the “What If”s and “If only he wasn’t married” ideas.
What woke me up was when I tried to place myself in the shoes of his wife (whom I have never met). I may not know her personally, but one thing I knew for certain was that I would NOT be happy if I found out that my handsome young husband was playing around in this manner with other girls whom I don’t even know exist! We had done nothing physically, but I knew that if I replaced his wife in meeting his emotional needs, I was already wronging her.
I do not want to be responsible for ruining an 8-year strong relationship between this man and his wife…AND, I want to have a whole heart to give to my husband-to-be (whom I have yet to meet), not just fragments of a heart which has been emotionally wasted on other people. So far, I have made it a point to leave earlier for work instead of the usual time so that we do not need to take the same train, and have not attempted to contact him in any way. It is still a struggle at times, and the temptation to think about him wrongly still comes strong, but I am determined to do what is right in God’s sight, even if no one else even knows about my struggles.
Sarah, reading your post as well as all these comments just strengthened my resolve to stay true to God and to my heart. Thank you so much for your honesty.
I JUST posted yesterday about going through an emotional affair. My friend and I were at Starbucks and she mentioned this post. Thank you (and all your commenters) for sharing your story. I thank God mine never turned physical and my husband and I were able to work through it. But just to hear that others have gone through this make a world of difference.
Well written, elegantly put and so very correct! Thank you for sharing!
God Bless….
I wonder if it’s an emotional affair if I long for and miss the emotional attachment I had with an ex-boyfriend 25+ years ago? I just miss him so much. Still. He’d asked me to marry him and I just, I don’t know, panicked and said no. My family was very against me being with him because he was a born again christian and we were catholics. They hardly spoke to me the year we dated and when told we were getting married, they completely shut me out emotionally so I ended the relationship. Several months later, I felt the spirit of God physically in the room with me, heard him tell me I was to be his wife. All the walls I put up came down and I cried, FELT God’s love and guidance and my deep love and choice to marry him. I went to his family home and his mother said he was engaged to someone else. ?? So I put the walls back up. Pride. There was no way I was going to interfere in that or let them know how I felt or what had happened. I was so confused too. I knew and respected the woman he was going to marry and she kept including me, even to the point of inviting me to the wedding and insisting I please come. I went and while he was at the front of the church waiting for the ceremony to begin, he looked at him and the pain and hurt on his face was so blatant that several heads turned to glare at me. I was shocked. I hadn’t realized he still loved me until that second but it was too late. Anyway, I married another a few years later and we have a good, solid marriage. BUT I still miss my ex. I still feel this intense connection to him spiritually, emotionally. Is it an emotional affair? Am I sinning in feeling this way? I hadn’t seen my ex in all these years until last spring. He’d walked past me and squeezed my hand as he did. I looked around to see who had done that and it took me a few moments to even recognize him so much older but I can STILL feel that hand squeeze. It sent shock waves through me. I just said “Hi.” And turned and walked away. I just panicked – again. I guess I wish I’d at least told him that I loved him and was sorry and wanted him……. I wish I hadn’t ignored it because all these years I’ve felt like I disobeyed God. I know what I felt and experienced that day when the walls came down was real. I think maybe that’s the bigger issue – I feel like I disappointed God, disobeyed him and a blessing he was trying to give me, give us.
Wow…what a story. My heart just aches for you as I read it!! My first thought is that we can not change our past…the only thing we have control over is our futures! You can’t beat yourself up for having a love in your heart for this man from your past. But you can choose to not focus on it, to not think on what could have been, to put that loving energy into the marriage that God has blessed you with. And it is so much better that you did not tell him that you loved him….so much better for you both if he does not know. That is truly showing a deeper love than any love the world would have to offer. By not telling you are loving him enough to not do anything to come between him and God or him and his wife. Not to mention what would happen in your own marriage if those words escaped from your mouth to your ex’s ears! It took me way too long to figure this out and there is a path of pain and destruction behind me that will haunt me the rest of my days.
The past is the past….try to leave it there! Every day is a new day full of opportunity…build an even greater love with your husband! It can be done!! I know because I am now doing it! God is so good and He loves you so much! We have all disappointed God but He never gives up on us! He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it!! Believe and embrace His love and all He has for you today.
I am not sure what others think of this…but I am not convinced there is one and only one person that is our “soul mate” that we are “supposed” to marry. I always used to think that. But my own life experience has lead me to believe that there may be more than one man we can truly love, given the right time and place. I think what is most important to God is what we do once we have made that commitment to love and cherish each other for life. I really do not believe God is disappointed with you. If anything, I think He would be pleased with your selflessness in the choices that you have made.
Love and prayers for peace and joy in Christ, Heidi
Thank you, Heidi. Sarah’s post on having feelings for someone other than your husband as being an emotional affair just really struck me, flooding me with all these emotions I have such a hard time controlling concerning this….regret, guilt, longing, sadness. Thank you for helping me put it in focus – stop looking to the past and build something better with the husband I have. And especially what you said about when God starts a good work in someone He is faithful to complete it. So true! I don’t believe He’d ever touch the soul of someone and turn away no matter what choices they’ve made or how sinful they continued to be. He is faithful to complete it and that, more than anything else, is what I needed to hear. No one can come to the Lord unless He calls them. So, if we have felt God’s loving presence, I need to accept that I am called and trust that He will complete what He has started. It is really hard to let go of the past when it never had closure. I just wish I’d swallowed my pride and spoken up and even if I was rejected, I would have at least known that I had obeyed God and it wasn’t then my fear of my parents disappointment in me that kept me from the life I woulda, shoulda, coulda had with a man who truly loved the Lord (and me).
I agree with Heidi. I think that the past should stay in the past.
But even so, regret can be so consuming. I’m so sorry that it’s difficult.
Simple, base level advice would be to keep moving forward with the story you are in. Do what you can to honor God now, with the resources you have now. Be faithful in that. God will honor that.
And doing that you will never, ever disappoint God. He loves you and has called you. He’s chosen you. Remember that.
thank you so much for commenting and being so open.
[...] Sarah Markley talks about friendship and emotional affairs [...]
I know this was published several months ago, but I just read this and it very much applies to my situation. My first marriage ended-in part-due to an emotional affair my then-husband had developed with his co-worker. It was painful to recognize this and I was unsuccessful in getting my husband to end it. I vowed that I would never do the same thing in my life…
Many years later and in the midst of a second divorce, I find myself in the very shoes I swore I’d never walk in: I am having an emotional affair with my married attorney! I was kind of stunned when I read what you originally wrote about some emotional affairs are one-sided. I think that applies to me. Because of the nature of my case, I have to be very open with my lawyer about every aspect of my life, and I’m emotionally vulnerable. I see qualities in him that I would want in my own relationship. I imagine how wonderful his life is and how lucky his wife must feel to have a husband like him.
Bottom line: he’s not available and I respect that. It’s really hard to cut the ties, but since recognizing my emotional affair, I am trying to cut back on my communication with him. The more I cut back, the more I seem to think about him and wonder if I’ll open my e-mail to find a message from him. I feel pathetic at times…wanting someone I can’t and shouldn’t pursue. He refers to me as a friend and is very caring, supportive protective and nurturing toward me. But I need to realize that he is doing a job. He may even have sensed my emotional attachment to him, although I hope that is not the case as it would be very embarassing. I know this will be an issue for me until my divorce is final. (Even the thought of no longer having a relationship with him on a professional level when the divorce happens is hard to bear, at times). I’ve really come to rely on my lawyer for some of my emotional needs. I know it is wrong, but could use ideas as to how to stop obsessing over this unavailable man.
wow. thank you so much for commenting autumn. i so appreciate your transparency and openness. I’m so sorry about what is happening. if you’d like to chat via email, please email me.
sarah@markleytech.com
Autumn, I am praying for you today, that God will give you strength and peace in this situation. Just wanted to leave you with a couple of thoughts, as I feel as though I may have been a queen of obsession over a man that I never should have been involved with! I can so relate to what you said about feeling pathetic as you wait for contact from him. I can personally attest that there is hope, that you do not have to stay in this place. I lost myself somewhere along the way, falling into a truly pathetic world and I am slowly, with God’s help, finding myself again. My advice would be build into your walk with God- even when you don’t feel at all like it- and build into yourself. Be kind to yourself…I wish I had have cared more about myself and protected myself more. I caused myself and others so much senseless pain that could have been avoided. Do things that make you feel good and hopeful. Surround yourself with positive people who encourage you in your walk with God. Remember you are priceless in God’s eyes….His precious child whom He adores. He has plans for you Autumn…wonderful plans. Hugs and prayers. Heidi
Sarah and Heidi~
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to reply; I appreciate your responses. Heidi, thank you for your good advice about focusing on my relationship with God and caring for myself more. I can see a need in my life to do both.
Take care ladies…
Autumn
Heidi, thank you for that post- it is exactly what I needed to read this week.
Trisha, you are most welcome. If any words of mine helped you I am humbly honored. It is a difficult journey but one that can be victorious with Christ- we just need to keep our eyes focused on Him and also see ourselves as he sees us! <3