Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Jay

I am so sorry you are going through this. No matter the state of your marriage, you do not deserve this. Your husband is in a state of confusion as I know you are too. Do not be pulled into it. See clearly. Jay is right. You need to set your boundries — he can not coexist in two worlds. He can not be married and committed to you and have this friendship that obvioul;y has crossed the line.

At this point, he needs to be made uncomfortable. He needs to know what he is at risk of losing. If you want an idea about what to do, I recommend telling him to leave the house until he decides what he wants. If you consider it, I hope you do it under the care of a Christian counselor.

I used to be exactly like your husband, and my heart grieves over the pain that you are in. There’s hope, but you need to draw a line. You don’t deserve this.

God Bless You,

Jay

I guess i’ll hit this blog with ine more comment since you don’t have a public response so far. Thank you so much for the perspective your comment brought to me and to any other man who has betrayed his wife and reads this. 

Your comment left me with the impression that there are two key questions that hound you and won’t go away. They are, “can I trust him? and “is there more?”

Since you are in counseling, I hope you have gone into those questions. If you haven’t, there is tremendous depth and many layers as to why they are there. I recommend starting with a series of questions for yourself and for your husband along with your counselor. They stem from your comment that he is remorseful. You used the term, “extremely.” 

First, if you are believers, is he repentant, and not just remorseful?

What “work” has he done to help him understand why he thought this behavior was ok in the first place?

Has he hidden other parts of his life from you from what you can tell? What does he say about that? How does he say it?

Have you shared your complete relationship and sexual history prior to marriage to one another? Are both of you “safe” (non-judgmental) enough with one another to do so?

Is this his first marriage?

Have both of you explored your family of origin issues and woundings with this counselor? Are either or both of you seeing a counselor individually?

Have you explored your own hurts that may affect how you relate to your husband…meaning was there an event or series of events that make it hard for you to trust in general? Do you feel constrained by something apart from this, or do you feel “free?”

Is your husband in community with other men? Does he have friends? I don’t mean a group of buddies he plays golf with and talks football. I don’t even mean a bible study where men are present. 

My comments and encouragements are these: your husband needs to be in community with men if he isn’t already…he can’t sustain emotional fidelity to you on his own long term without it…he needs to share his stuff in strictest confidence, and give men close to him permission to get in his face…this is extremely difficult for most men, he needs your encouragement… From your description of the interaction between your husband and this woman, it appears the frequency and intensity did not increase over time. This is an extremely good sign if it is true despite the duration of this relationship…I mean, the absence of the growth of an emotional bond is extremely good! I don’t blame you for doubting since he said that he kept it from you claiming that he didn’t think you would understand a new friendship. I think that is crap. He may not realize it though. There may be more to it, and there may not. There is still deception from him on some level. He needs to get at why he would do that. If he has a spirit of fear about him, there is a reason which must be explored. If he was simply stupid, then both of you need to recognize that, and you can work toward forgiveness. If the admission took place recently, you need time to process it regardless. He needs to give you room to do so, and you need wisdom speaking into you through it. 

As far as his character, it is obvious that he must examine and reset his boundaries. He needs to do so in the context I mentioned above. There are good books on the subject. No man and no woman is going to be perfect and whole, and no man’s and no woman’s character is whole and true. There are always issues to work on. I believe character can be measured on whether those issues are being addressed. A person must know to address them, and sometimes a realization or epiphany must occur. I hope that in the presence of his repentance that you are able to work toward forgiveness. This is not to say that forgiveness is conditional on repentance. Eventually, you need to forgive for your own sake. You do not have to put up with infidelity of any kind. On the same token, he will be guarded and may isolate of he feels judgment. It’s a fine line. His repentance and your forgiveness can be a door through which your marriage heals in so many deep ways that it is impossible to describe. 

I hope that you are in community with women yourself. This is vitally important. 

Finally, I pray that both of you look toward the real Jesus and not some interpretation of Him that is out there. There is an expulsive power of that affection. Through Him, your marriage will flourish despite the flaws. 

God Bless both of you! I admire your courage. 

Jay