I’m firmly convinced that the easiest place to be is
in love with myself.
How normal is it to lapse into selfishness? When I’m left to my own I fall completely in love with my own
desires,
wishes,
wants,
and hurts.
Like Narcissus: wasting away because he loved himself so much. It’s easy to sit by the pool and gaze into the reflection of my own heart.
That’s all easy. Our hearts retreat naturally into You Hurt Me and You Don’t Love Me thoughts. I wonder why You Don’t Pay Attention and why You Don’t Have Enough Time. I think about Your Silence and Your Sarcasm. I ponder it. I pick it apart with my fingers. I hold it in my hands.
And I fall in love with my own wounds.
Easy and natural.
It takes work to love beyond myself. It takes discipline and sometimes it hurts. It might even be scary to
stop
gazing
at
myself.
But when I begin to look at myself in the reflection of the One who made me then I fall less and less in love with me. In a miraculous way I care less about my own wounds. And I begin to fall in love with His.
What is easy for you to lapse into?
Thoughts on someone who has really done me wrong, rude and disrespectful. I let their sarcasims “get in my head” and
I really have to work at NOT letting it remotely get in! Pit
living and dwelling is definitely not me! No lapsing; it will
do me in!!! I have to make a commitment, a written commitment (in the form of a prayer to God) and define my commitment and heart’s desire. And that takes care of it before it starts!
I sure do appreciate your blogs, Sarah.
thank you carol. =)
Sometimes you’re thoughts parallel mine so closely that it’s spooky. This weekend, I went on personal spiritual retreat and the reason I felt I needed this was because so much of my life has become all about me. I have become so self-centered. It’s NOT ABOUT ME. It’s all about Him and how I can best serve Him.
God bless you, Sarah. Your blogs help me know I am not alone.
thanks sunny. and no, you are not alone. =)
Sarah, you couldn’t have said it more simply than that we truly do fall easily back into self love. I think I can lapse into this as well, but also just be super over analytical!! I think about everything, over and over and over again!
i know!! how easy is that!!?
I love the line: i fall less in love with my wounds and more in love with His.
I lapse into not being present where I am because I want to be somewhere else…a different life.
thanks, april =)
I wrote a list of all of my husbands faults, all the sarcastic or mean things he’s said and done to hurt me over the years…I went back two decades and dwelt on all of these negatives this past weekend, looking for justification to file for a divorce. Then I did a google search on divorce, came across an article titled “Biblical Divorce” and thought aha! a Christian way to get OUT of this marriage! BUT the article was about looking to Christ, about Jesus saying that the Mosaic laws allowing divorce were only allowed because of the HARD HEARTS of the people….and that God sees divorce as an abomination. I started praying about what to do, feeling even more trapped, and God allowed my heart to soften. To see that I was dwelling on MY hurts, MY feelings, and not on loving my husband, respecting him, FORGIVING him. That my real position in this marriage, in this life, is to love and honor God and be obedient to His Will. That blessedness is walking in obedience to God. Looking outward with a heart to please God by loving and forgiving others made all the difference. I CHOSE to love my husband and just was loving in the midst of his BS and in return, he looked at me last night and said that he felt so lucky to have me as his wife, that he could see sometimes see God shining out of my eyes. It was corniest and most loving thing he’s ever said to me. If I had reacted with anger or threats of divorce, giving into my narcissistic want to be treated with more love and respect, I wouldn’t have actually received that love and respect I desired from my husband that I did receive this weekend. Does that make sense?
Kathleen…absolutely beautiful!!!! I have been where you are, married 32 yrs, and God does do amazing things when we are willing to see. God bless you and your marriage:)
Kathleen – I SO admire that you have let God in… I am just coming up on 1 year of marriage, so your example of choosing to look at God in the midst of struggles is such an example to me… thank you
this is sooo beautiful kathleen. thank you so much for commenting. and yes it does make perfect sense. i think marriage is a constant act of daily selflessness. keep at it.
Thank you Carrie, Jenny, Sarah. Sarah, I love your blog – you have a wonderfully poetic way of hanging out the dirty laundry and I appreciate your honesty in doing that – makes me feel less alone, like I’m not the only one dealing with these issues like narcissism. You’re a talented writer – I can’t wait till you write your book, I’ll be one of the first in line to buy a copy.
Wow, Kathleen. I’m in the middle of Step 4 (in my 12 step recovery program). It is listing all those resentments (over 52 years) that I have. Starting with me. But, it also allows for listing my assets, too. I’m finally starting to believe in me again. I’m not a bad person. I made bad choices with prescription drugs. There is a lot of healing and a lot of prayer going on in my life. Those resentments do not just disappear either. You must remain vigilant and work through EVERY last one. And do a daily inventory. Make a daily gratitude list. Learn how to change your perspective on expectations. Setting expectations too high is a resentment in the making. Be realistic. God is good. He is the Great Healer. And He sent His Son to die for our sins! (and your husband’s). Praying for you.
Thanks for your honesty Shellie…I’ll pray for your continued recovery from your addiction. My expectations are pretty simple though. I guess instead of lowering the bar, I should just not have one at all because I’m already stubbing my toes on it.
Oh Sarah, I wrote about this very thing today…how easily I am swayed to relish in my own glory.
me too…
thanks for this
Mary
Right after reading your post, I wandered over (via another blog) to this:
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0002294.cfm
SO related.
Mary
thanks for the link! i’ll have to check it out. =)
Apparently today it is easy for me to lapse into thinking about the affair I had six years ago.
I am really struggling today with my thoughts.
Not sure why this creeps up every so often. Please pray for me today!
i will pray for you right now, misty. =)
Misty,
In a strange way, it is hard for me not to focus on myself after may affairs. It is been many years now, but my husband and I are still really struggling. I need to focus outward on what God wants. While I can get mired in my shame and guilt, I don’t believe that is what he wants, but it is amazing how hard it is to get out of that mindset.
Thanks for posting. You have a lot of wonderful things to bring to the world, don’t forget to share them.
it creeps up on me too, misty.
i find myself praying out loud against it, often.
often~like every day, more than once~often.
the enemy would love for us to keep our eyes on the shame and guilt and away from Jesus.
i’m praying for you.
My husband and I were just talking about something similar last night.
We find ourselves getting so caught up in these prayers…
“What does God want for ME?”
“What is God’s will for MY life?”
“What decision does God want ME to make?”
ME..ME..ME…
Instead of,
“God you are worthy to be praised…”
“God, thank you for__”
“God, you are good…”
Not that wanting to be obedient to God with your life is a bad thing, but our focus sometimes gets so honed in on Me, Me, Me, that I forget the main focus…Praise YOU Jesus!
i love this. and i sooo agree.
Oh – I am so glad I stole a few minutes to sit down here and read this.
I feel so trapped by my desire to nurse my wounds (because they are REAL), and to ponder my husband’s selfishness (because he IS), and to dwell on his lack of loving me (because he DOESN’T)
and I keep forgetting
to stop
looking at ME.
Just because I can justify my pain and hurt and woundedness, even though it is tangible and feels ever present, the problem is still (and will always be) that as long as
I focus entirely on my husband’s sins
I have no room
to focus
entirely
on Christ’s love for me.
Oh. This is so much harder than I would like it to be.
you are beautiful lacey.
and i think that this might be the hardest thing in the world to do. i feel like daily i have to recommit to watching Him and not me.
I was left alone this weekend. I fell in love with myself. I looked at what he wasn’t doing, what he could be doing, how he could be better.
It’s landed me in a heap of trouble and hurt and heartache. All because I spent the weekend looking at ME because he was with the guys.
i have SO done that.
Sarah – this is put so simply, yet so beautifully. Your words always touch places in my heart (usually places I’d rather not deal with). I so look forward to reading you every day. Thank you
thank you cathy.
I let other people’s opinions of me, whether they accept me or not, like me or not, become this wound that festers and I fall into very inward focused thoughts that eventually pull me further and further away from serving and loving others no matter what (regardless of what it costs me in other words).
I forget who He’s made me to be. I forget what He calls me to do and write and say. The inward focused thoughts, wrapped up in hurt or worry over whether or not I’m accepted by people, clouds the reality that I only need His acceptance and approval. And if I’m worried about what others think, I’m not doing the most important thing.
mmm. i tend to do this a lot. inwardly focus my thoughts. its not always a good thing.
Oh, man, I have totally been doing that the past few days. Thanks for pointing it out to me.
I love the way John Mark McMillan talks about this in his song “How He Loves”: “When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory” and “I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us”
Yes.
I listen to this song all. the. time.
i think we might get to see him in a few weeks. totally unexpected but i’m so excited. =)
This is good. Or bad. Regardless of what it is, I’m there now and hoping He will lead me away from me and back to Him…
yes. absolutely.
It’s easy to fall into the pity pit. The disease of addiction wants me to step back into bad behaviors. It can be lurking around the next corner. I am not a dumb person, but I made some stupid choices in my life. And there were (and are) consequences for these choices. The guilt & shame sometimes creep back in & remind me “what if”. Those “what ifs” can kick my butt sometimes. I truly believe that is why God brought me into recovery & back into His arms. I had ignored God for many years. And He never left me. I also believe God brought me unemployment to be able to learn & grow. I don’t just learn from step work & meetings & service work, I learn from this wonderful internet community that also feels like home sometimes! I mean look at all the people who met for the 1st time in Oregon this past weekend. How awesome is that!??
You always pick topics that span a variety of age groups. I love that! Of course, I’m not so sure I enjoyed being 8 again on Friday……
thank you so much for this, shellie. and i totally appreciated your comment above to the other woman. thank you.
Sarah, this was so beautifully put and so true. I call it me-mode and this seems to be what most struggle with lapsing into. I think it’s a daily thing, to reject those me moments and grasp the Him ones. God bless you and all the special ladies who post here! You all always bless me!
thank you so much debbie. =)
Sarah, thank you for this post. I am struggling with watching my sister’s marriage fall apart as I write this. As a couple, my sister and her husband were our best friends, now they are walking away from each other, their life together, their changed future. I wasn’t sure at first where you were going at the beginning of your post, but I was completely caught up by the end. Before I read your post all I could think was that they weren’t fighting for their marriage, they were only fighting independently for themselves. Selfish. Self-centered.
All they want is their own desires, their own wants, their own wishes.
But, knowing that your marriage (and others) has been restored is the hope that I have for my sister and her family. Thank you again for your openness and sincerity.
Goooood stuff, great blog. My OH my how EASY this is to do. Actually, I am doing the Beth Moore Bible study “Breaking Free” and she made a statement that put my JAW on the FLOOR. Basically, it was about pride, and how we so easily elevate ourselves and become prideful…however, we also put ourselves down (I’m not as (fill in the blank) as her, I’m not that smart, nobody would care if I was gone, etc) and that is essentially just another twisted form of pride. We elevate our problems, ourselves, who we think we aren’t cuz apparently God DID make ONE mistake: ME.
And I was like…WHOA. Ohhh snap (yes that is an outdated term but I LIKE it.)
It hit me like a ton of bricks that my “poor me” narcissistic ways actually don’t glorify God…I’m glorifying the enemy. And God hates pride. It slights Him, but it destroys us (B. Moore). I kid you not, from that day forward I felt like someone had revealed to me a great Truth…and that it was. HE LOVES ME. It was the first time in six “things have gone to hell in a hand basket” months that I felt the atmosphere shift. I mean REALLY shift.
Well can a girl get an AMEN!? I’ve got a ways to go, but I am determined in my heart to set my eyes on His power & glory & ability to see me through this victoriously.
a:men!
amen!=)
This was really good–I loved the lines about falling in love with His wounds. I think sometimes if we have had our wounds for so long, even when we say we have worked through them or released them, we still find our identity in them. Even if an identity is painful, it’s still validation that we are alive and exist and feel.
Sometimes being well and content doesn’t have as strong of an emotion to identify with and I think for myself that can be a place of coming unhinged and returning to the wounds, or it can be a place of growth. The later is much harder.
Thanks!
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