It’s why I’ve sat at 5:31 on a Tuesday night waiting for my husband to come home.
“Where’s Daddy?” my oldest daughter asks.
“He said he’d be here,” as I refold the napkin. Naomi showers her to-be-eaten pasta with more salt than it deserves.
We wait because I’ve created an expectation. One that, most likely, will not happen. I know that my husband runs late and that a lot of it is outside of his control. Yet we sit at the dinner table anyway.
Expectations.
It’s why I’ve lost friends in the past. I’ve tended to place unrealistic expectations on relationships, on friendships. I expect too deep, too close, too transparent. And no one can deliver because somewhere along the way I’ve learned to expect the universe from a single person. Only in the last couple of years have I begun to learn to make healthy expectations.
Expecting.
Waiting. Wanting. The preferred term for a woman who is with child. She’s watching and predicting the outcome. Hand on her belly, she’s pregnant with possibility. With hope.
And the perfect, slimy baby is born. She’s got all her fingers and toes and well, she might just be the next Julia Child or Florence Nightingale. There is still that expectancy, even after that baby girl is born.
Two:thirty-two am. She wails and screams and her open mouth won’t be satisfied by anything, human or synthetic. That woman who sat with her hand resting on her belly a few months before sets possibility aside because can’t even fathom surviving until 6 in the morning.
Hope wanes and shivers. Expectation sits on nothing solid except a growing pile of soiled onesies.
Sigh.
But expectation will always fall flat when it’s resting on a person or a thing. When I expect too much from my husband or from a friendship, I’m setting us all up for failure.
But it isn’t only that I’m expecting TOO MUCH, its that I’m expecting in the wrong thing.
The only Person solid and trustworthy enough to hold all of the expectation in my rough hand in His big hands is God.
He never wavers or shivers. He is strong and able. He is perfect.
And I can never expect too much from Him.
“But it isn’t only that I’m expecting TOO MUCH, its that I’m expecting in the wrong thing.”
Well said, Sarah. I’m guilty. Thanking God for his trustworthiness and forgiveness.
Before I opened my blog to check my blogroll this morning I prayed for God to give me something that I really needed to hear this morning. This post was the first of the updates and is EXACTLY what I needed. Thank You Lord!
i have expected too much, too. too much from my husband, my friends, my children, myself.
and He is saying, ‘you can’t expect too much from me.’
i’m so thankful He never waivers, sarah.
If we take away expectations…the possibilities and blessings tend to be endless!
Thanks for the refocusing!
I love this. Not having expectations of others really takes away the tension . . .leaves room for wonderful, living in the moment times. God bless you Sarah! Thanks for keeping us in expectation of good things from God! deb
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
This is good
I would only add that my expectations of Him are not always the right expectations. He is in control of the outcomes, not me!
Thank you!!
Thank you so much….I needed that reminder this morning. It is funny how you can know something and yet it will slip to the back of your mind until God uses someone to tap you on the shoulder and remind you once again.
-Gina
I’ve struggled with this. I’ve read and heard blogs like this before, and somewhere along the line I started to expect God to do what I want Him to, when I want him to, just because I prayed for it. I know that “the only Person solid and trustworthy enough to hold all of the expectation in my rough hand in His big hands is God,” and I 100% agree…but do we not sometimes put expectations on God that He never promised to fulfill? Nowhere in the Bible does He promise the American dream, an easy life, or a healthy family. We have to know what it is that God promises – to hear and answer our prayers, to be with us always to the ends of the earth, to bring His good out of all situations, that He does not condemn us if we are clothed in Christ, and so much more – in order to have expectations.
I write this because God has just brought me through a situation where I had to learn that He does not always do what I expect Him to do. Sometimes, like with John the Baptist’s beheading and with Paul’s “thorn in the flesh,” Jesus chooses not to come through and “save the day” for us. My false expectations of God’s promises almost cost me my faith, and I am so thankful that God saved me once again from myself.
Wow, thanks for sharing Margo! I have also been in a similar place. When I began to realize that God is the only one who can meet my expectations, I also began to put false expectations on Him as well. When I realized He was not making my life comfortable and providing for every single desire of mine (or even things I consider needs), I began to question the truth of what I thought about God and His promises. I know HE is consistent so it must have been me that was thinking incorrectly.
But God is definitely able to handle everything He has promised! and one thing He has promised is that He will never leave us or forsake us; THAT is something I can hold on to!
i so very much agree margo. God is true to who He is. What he’s promised and that should be enough. so much of us want so much more – being comfortable, having a pain-free life, etc. But he hasn’t promised that.
We can expect in God because He is Love and Peace and Truth.
Thank you so much for pointing that out. and thank you so much for sharing.
dear sarah markley.
have you been looking inside my heart, my house, my life lately?
it seems as if you must have been.
for this story – this story of expectations falsely placed – is my story.
and this reminder – this solid truth of a God who we cannot out-expect – is precisely the message my soul was lacking today.
i’m so glad, friend. =)
Loved this post Sarah! I always need to be reminded of it!
I was just talking with a girlfriend of mine about this topic in relation to our husbands (I forwarded this post to her)
I have also been thinking of it in terms of parents expectations for their children…even though I am married and out of my mother’s house, I am growing more and more amazed at the level of expectations and pressures that my parents seem totally entitled to put on me and my other sisters. I am realizing how this has been so unhealthy for me and I am trying to not place those same expectations on my husband…
so true. i didn’t even really address that. my own kids – i have to be so careful that i don’t place too much expectation on them.
still have to let God work on me every day…
OMGosh – this is so what I needed to hear and something that I have been struggling with for a few years. The only expectation I feel that I have from my friends is the expectation of being let down, dumped on the curb, thrown under the bus. I keep myself from truly enjoying the relationship waiting for the bomb to drop. Obviously I’m still dealing with a bad experience. I really need to practice letting God take care of all my expectations, knowing that He will never let me down
Ouch…I am so bad about this. It has destroyed relationships in the past. I am trying to learn that there is only One that will never let me down. And to have high hopes & low expectations…
that’s perfect: high hopes and low expectations. i love how you said that.
Thank you for this post. I’m wondering if I was the reason two friendships have failed over the past couple of years. It is possible that I expected too much from them.
Really, really good today, Sarah. {hugs}
I’ve done this with so many relationships in my life! What always strikes me is that frequently I’m expecting from others what I, myself, am not providing for them in the relationship. I want transparency…but I’m hiding parts of myself. I want a listening ear, but all I do is speak. I want unconditional acceptance, but my love has conditions to it. None of us are God, as much as we’re supposed to emulate Him, and none of us can truly love the way He does. Thank you for once again shifting my perspective back to the healthy side of the road.
I so needed this today, thank you for sharing Sarah.
I am STILL learning this lesson. Even as I read this I am sitting at home waiting for my hard work husband to come home… late… I am choosing to place my expectation in God not on my hubby. Lovely post Sarah!
pretty sure you crawled in my brain and came out with this post….
You are not the only one in this boat. I once had a screaming session with a friend. And her first word to me was no wonder you dont have friends. You expect too much, you want too much, no one is perfect, no one can do it all. That word struck me, and as I apologized to her, I realize that wanting too much and expecting too much from people makes me unperfect. I can only depend on one, and that is God. Cast not your lot on people….God is the only one that can bear it all.
Thank you for sending me that simple reminder Sarah.
this hits the nail on the head…and after reading your blog-examining my heart and relationships; I see where I’ve placed too much expectation on other people and not in the Lord where it should be. Thank you as always for the blessing your blog is.
Wow! So true. So profound. I will definitely be pondering on this for while. Thank you Sarah
Like dessert, I always save your blog for last, because:
– I don’t want to be rushed thru it, on to the next thing
– It is rich like cheesecake – you can’t/shouldn’t read it quickly
– It is best savored, in small nibbles, a paragraph at a time
Thanks for doing such a wonderful job.
I am guilty too. I expect certain things from my husband, my children, myself… and the world I suppose.
Sunday at church someone shared something awesome with me as they know I struggle many days with five kids and lots of to do lists….check it out. It’s pretty powerful!
http://www.crystalandcomp.com/2010/05/perfectly-miserable.html
I’ve been disappointed by my expectations too. Some I found were just sadly unrealistic, some selfish, and some were presumptuous towards God or based on ignorance of His ways and wisdom. Great post!
Yes, expectations can lead to such disappointment. Sometimes my optimism sets me up for failure. I am learning that my expectation needs to be only that “God is working the good,” not that my life or ministry or future will “turn out” the way I planned. Thanks for the reminder, Sarah.
this is exactly what i needed. at 6:23 pm on a tuesday night. thank you for speaking what God puts on your heart. it has ministered to me greatly.:)
tuesdays can be special too, right? =)
i’m so glad…
This was a beautiful post Sarah. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Its so true about placing expectations on others that we should only be placing on God. Thanks for the reminder.
thank you makeda. =)
Whew… But, I think we can expect too much even from God… Life doesn’t always go “right” and I’ve wrongly expected it to. Maybe I wrongly expected God to make it all go right…?
I think I expected some things of God that He didn’t deliver… I’m becoming ok with that. Even though it is a harsh reality.
yeah, i know what you mean. especially when we expect happiness, or perfection or ease. i forget all the time that god never promises any of this.
I read the words in a book a year or so ago. When I read them they hit a spot in me. I knew it was truth. I knew God was asking me to consider the implications of what I was seeing before my eyes.
“Expectation sabotage relationships”…. they ruin them!
The truth is they really do. I’m learning moment by moment, especially in my marriage to lay them down.
So needed this today! Such a sweet word to me.
I am struggling to understand this better… Is there a level of expectation that is considered acceptable? How do I know when my expectations are too high? Is it appropriate to expect my husband to call and let me know that he is going to be late? as opposed to being in limbo because I can’t expect anything from my husband?
I am guilty of desiring certain relationships to be “too deep, too close, too transparent”. I feel like I need that … Hmm.. Still struggling to understand this, but I feel like is important for me to get a better handle on this. Thanks again for writing.
while it will make me largely uncomfortable, i think this is something i should talk with you about while we’re together. (i’m saying that out loud so that one of us will remember and bring it up!) i don’t really know how to have healthy expectations… i often feel hurt by what i know is just my own fault. and i see my unhealthy, too-high expectations damaging a friendship. i want to get better at this, but don’t really know what that should look like. or feel like.