I’ve always prided myself on being a great judge of character.
{that right there should send up a red flag}
I could see people’s motives when my husband was oblivious, I could hear the anger or bitterness behind a word and see it when others could not and I could instinctively smell out people who were just out to altruistically help and those who might be out to harm.
Most of the time my intuitions or reasoning turn out to be true.
Most of the time.
When I’m on my game I’m right. That meaning, when I’m actively seeking wisdom, when I’m trying to look at others through the eyes of Christ and when I’m careful in my relationships this “intuition” displays itself as a gift. A real gift.
But when I’m not seeking godly wisdom or when I’ve got my eyes elsewhere, it doesn’t work the same way.
Three different times in the past several months I’ve really screwed up when it came to being a good judge of character. But here’s the interesting part: normally, when I err I err on the side of begin too judgmental or harsh. But lately, I’ve erred on the side of grace.
I’ve vouched for people who should not have been vouched for. And by that, I might have hurt my own reputations.
Sigh.
I feel like I can’t win.
If I watch myself for being too judgmental, I seem to err on grace’s side. If I’m careful to watch who I vouch for, I run the risk of being too stingy with love and acceptance.
This is what I’ve decided:
I’d rather err on grace’s side. Even if it means that I’m known to be too accepting. Even if that means I’m known as the girl who can’t see someone’s “issues” or failings right off the bat. I’d rather recover from THAT than from being too greedy with love.
In sixty years when I’m falling asleep in my wheelchair in the assisted living home, I’d rather wish I’d been STINGIER with grace than more GENEROUS with it.
Be generous now. With grace, with money, with love. With you.
Are you a good judge of character?
I like to think I’m an excellent judge of character.
I think you rock, don’t I?
Why yes. Yes, you do rock! =)
I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, to try to see the person behind the actions. I can more easily forgive and shrug off someone being deceptive or cruel to me than to someone else though. When I see injustice in any way being dished out to someone else, that’s when my sense of judging another goes into overdrive. Don’t mess with my family or friends or the underdog etc in my presence. I’ll bite. But truly I try really hard to see what might be making someone else act bitterly or jealously or selfishly. And I agree Sarah! Better to err on the side of grace than be so self-righteous as to think I am superior to others. Some people just need our prayers or our patience. But there are deceptive, cruel people out there. We can pray for them without letting them into our own lives. Right?
I was just thinking some more about your question today….to the christians during his time, he was seen as a cruel, evil man seeking to destroy the faith of those who believed the truth of God’s son being the way to salvation by hunting them down, dragging them off to jail or murdering them. But what did God see? He saw a man who was zealously trying to fight FOR God, for what he believed to be the truth. It wasn’t until he met Jesus personally that he was able to see and understand the truth. Then he fought for Christ instead of against him. Isn’t that true of so many people today too? If they don’t know Christ personally, they aren’t able to see and understand what they are doing is hurtful to others. It makes all the difference. So again, I think yes, err on the side of grace and pray for those who are walking in deception being cruel or self-indulgent at the expense of others. You never know what they’ll be like and how Christ will use them and what they’ve been through when/if they finally do come to know Christ personally………those who are forgiven much, love much.
I wish them were an edit feature, lol. Paul. I was talking about Paul.
I think that is a beautifully way to worship the Lord daily with choosing grace because grace and love always win out, and there is always something good in there to be found. Always. Sure, people may have deceptive traits or motives, but don’t we all? We could sit and find fault and the right to accuse with every single person because no one is perfect. But it’s when we see through the eyes of grace that we are choosing to see God’s way. He certainly won’t look down on us for choosing grace. In fact, I believe whole heartedly that He’ll smile and say “well done!”
I also have this natural sense for character and other people’s motives and intuition, although sometimes I also get mixed up and my perspectives confused. But when I choose grace instead, I feel so much better about living for Christ, versus living to be the judge.
As a friend, I try to see the behind the story before I quickly judge. But I don’t know if I have lost my touch, but with a recent one in the last week I BLEW it and it BLEW right up in my face.
When this happens, I tend to draw in. Being a natural extrovert it pains me not to give grace and fix everything. But sometimes you just have to leave it alone… step back .. sigh deeply… and give it too God. Sometimes it’s not meant to be.
As a parent I want my kids to have discernment and not make the same mistakes I did. But I also want them to approach with a life of grace, risk, and love and trust. Because sometimes in this world, because of circumstances, life styles, relational skills, some people are deeply misunderstood.
I also have teach by example…
Great Post Sarah!
I’m not the best judge of character because I tend to be analytical, to be cautious, to be reserved; however, I think my judge of character has some bipolar in it–I tend to be more open with those outside the church than those in it. I’m trying to re-learn an openness to the family of God, but after being hurt by the church, it is a struggle. Love this post.
of course, i’d like to think i’m a good judge of character. i’d also like to think i’m a generous giver of grace.
however.
it breaks my heart to confess that the folks that i unfortunately hold to higher standards and for whom have the most trouble offering grace to is my own family. we are so hard on each other! i have become painfully aware of this and try to consider my sisters or my mom as i would one of my friends, to whom grace abounds, when grace is needed but sometimes it doesn’t come as quickly as it would for my friends.
i try to consider that everyone has a story and i have no idea what someone woke up to or is going home to.
i try to remember that i am not the center of the universe, something i learned from my mentor who also teaches this to her four children. this is especially important for someone with an addictive background who, in their addiction, spirals into self-centeredness.
I have the same trouble sometimes, Mary Kathryn. Generally, I am full of grace and understanding. When I see someone do something wrong or hurtful, I quickly extend a hand of grace and try to understand what pain or struggle may be behind their actions. Generally.
However, when it come to my close family, and especially my hubby (I’m ashamed to admit) I forget to be generous with my grace. I put such high expectations on him and forget that there are reasons for the way he acts, just as there are reasons for the way everyone else acts. I forget to look at his side of things and try to understand him. I forget that we have BOTH brought baggage into the relationship and I’m unreasonably hard on him.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My husband is a great guy and marriage is about LOVE. It’s about showing God’s love to another person. It’s about knowing them-the good and the bad- and still loving them.
And Boy-o-boy am I glad that God extended grace to me and still does everyday. I want to be a hand of grace to him. An extension of God’s love for him. I want to be quick to understand and listen but slow to criticize and condemn.
God, please help me to be a loving, understanding, gracious wife.
oops. i accidentally hit enter before i meant to…but seeing how long my entry is above, probably should stop while i’m ahead.
the last thing i was going to offer is simply that i am so accutely aware of the grace that the lord has poured onto my life – unmerited, undeserved favor when i have “earned” it the least. like the woman at the well. oh, i really thank god. and i’m just not sure how someone who has experienced such freedom through the grace of god can’t offer it to others.
on a sidenote, sometimes i react in my flesh to something that is not so obviously spiritual. i respond in frustration to my cousin who is settling for superficial symbols of status when i know the truth is she just doesn’t know the truth. who more do i need to extend the love and grace of god than someone who doesn’t know it? something in my spirit is responding to something in another’s spirit and i don’t access my discernment quickly enough and then i later hit myself in the head upon realizing it is so deeply a spiritual conflict instead of an earthy battle.
i am learning and growing and am quicker to draw from my spirit as i mature in the lord and spend more time with jesus. in the meantime, i have to live in a place of gratitude for the grace that is so freely offered to me in order for me to pour it onto others. no offense could ever be so great that it would be worth withholding love and grace. (i just have to remind myself of this sometimes is all.)
xo
I would rather err on grace’s side too, Sarah. However, I have learned the hard way that I trust people without finding out first whether or not that trust is wise. Fools rush in, right? In the most recent situation I realized just what you said – that my head, my eyes, and my heart were in the wrong place. Thanks for the reminder to put my relationships and my intuitions through the “God” filter.
i think i’m a good judge of character. i too am learning to be gracious. i am most gracious when i am living in grace myself.
i think you have great discernment, friend. and the times you’ve “erred on the side of grace”… they haven’t hurt your reputation. at all. instead they’ve shown your beautiful heart that overflows with generous grace.
On one hand, I will tell you that I am very slow to trust people. I don’t know why, because I’ve really never been hurt or betrayed in such a way that should make me so hesitant. On the other hand, I always want to believe the best about people, and that makes me (many times) a poor judge of character. People, sadly, sometimes are not what they appear to be, and I get burnt because I so readily accept them at face value.
But I tend to agree with you. I’d rather be generous with grace, and not stingy about it. In the long run, I’d rather be known for having been loving and accepting.
I wasn’t generous with love until I almost lost it. I wasn’t generous with money until I had none. I wasn’t generous with time until I desparately needed someone else’s time (and shoulder to cry on). And so often I can quickly find myself retreating back to ways that Jesus has pruned away. It’s so easy to be stingy (or in my case, selfish) when life is good and I “have” everything I need. I nestle into a rhythm, thinking I don’t need grace. But, wow…I see more and more how grace must be the very air I breathe.
I think I have a discerning heart, but sometimes that disernment gets in the way of the work God wants to do. Recently God showed me a person, their heart full of deceit…and God said, “Now give. Give what you have to this person despite their heart because you are giving to Me.” And I know because I was once that person and someone gave to me.
Wow…I love your first paragraph; it shows what beauty and purpose can come out of such pain and brokeness.
The way you wrote you that simple paragraph somehow just struck me and really brought that point home.
Every time I think I know what is going on where someone else is concerned, I get humbled. So I try not to go there, try not to be a good judge of character. Try not to be a judge. Try!
Thank you for being generous with yourself, for our sakes. And for reminding us to be that way too! God bless you!!! deb
That is a very interesting question. I would like to think that I rely on the Holy Spirit within before I decide if someone is a bad egg or not. I have been guilty of giving others a second chance and was sorry that I did. However, it’s not ultimately left up to me as to whether I did the right thing. I strive to please God, so when my kindness is taken for granted I don’t really sweat it. God will reward me and that’s all that matters.
I guess my rule of thumb is that I should extend the grace to others that’s been given to me by Him. And then He can sort out the rest. I can’t control people’s response. People often do not like or understand me. If they even notice me in the first place. I can’t control that part necessarily. But I can definitely offer an encouraging word or (or whatever) to reflect to others the grace He’s given to me, regardless of how other people ultimately decide to treat me.
I’m not sure there’s ever too much grace. I mean, yes there are boundaries and we shouldn’t put ourselves in the midst of abusive or toxic relationships or put ourselves directly in the line of sight of a person bent on doing us harm, but God help me if I ever come to the end of grace for others. I’ve been given heaps and bounds overflowing and I cringe at the thought that I might someday forget that.
Hey – I wave the same red flag as you! I think I’m a pretty fantastic judge of character. (You took the words right out of my mouth with this post.) The problem is, I’ve also allowed myself to be a really horrible judge… The even bigger problem is, I’ve allowed myself, in the past, to use this knack I’ve got as a big excuse for all kinds of nonsense. One day I realized – what good is being a good judge of character, if I am not working on ensuring that my own character is good?
Great post, Lady.
Yes and no.
Yes, because I can usually spot a fake a mile away.
No, if the person is truly talented in pulling the wool over one’s eyes because of gullibility.
I am certain that my picture should be next to the word gullible.
Overall, my discernment usually kicks in and probably 8 times out of 10, I get it right.