“SHUT UP! I really can’t take any more of your BOSSY attitude!” She yelled at me and closed the door behind her.
I stood stunned in a group of my peers. I couldn’t believe a youth LEADER had screamed at me in front of all of my friends. I took a step forward, thought again, and pulled out a worn map of the city from my purse. I could barely make out the subway web through the tears that had already begun to form.
I was fifteen, on a youth group trip to Washington D.C. and the one girl who I’d admired more than anyone had just walked out on me. She was in her early twenties at the time and had been assigned to our group as a chaperone as we did sightseeing in between conference sessions at the big convention hall in the city.
This was my third trip to D.C {I’d been in the fifth and eighth grades} and so, I guess, I thought I knew where all the cool things were. Apparently I’d come across as a sophomore know-it-all.
We can’t forget the Lincoln Memorial.
Don’t forget the Air and Space! It will be nice and air conditioned in there.
This is our Metro stop if we want to get off for the Capitol building.
A few days into our trip, my youth leader could take no more suggestions from me. She promptly lost her cool which is when she thought it appropriate that the only method of getting me to stop was to scream at me in the middle of a group of other teenagers.
We finished our trip to DC. We ate hot dogs from the street vendor. We hid from the humidity inside the American History Museum, but something changed in me.
I began to close my mouth.
When my youth leader left that room that morning before sightseeing, I vowed I wasn’t going to embarrass myself again. At least not in that way.
That was the first in the series of events that created a need in me to stay silent.
I stopped talking. I stopped sharing my opinion. I stopped feeling like what I had to say was worthy.
Initially I was scared to get called out again. But it turned into a fear of being responsible for my own opinions. I hated taking sides because someone might get angry. Someone might not like me or agree with me. Or worse, someone might embarrass me in the same way again.
In my 15 year old mind, this was reason enough to shut up.
It’s taken me twenty years to get to a point where I finally feel like I had a voice. It began a few years ago when I started blogging and has morphed into a full-blown campaign against the fears in my life that have held me captive.
So I’m talking. And although I’ve learned a lot since I was the slightly bossy high school sophomore eager to show her friends around DC, I’m not afraid anymore.
What about you? Have you ever felt silenced?
As a young girl I was CONSTANTLY being told to “STOP TALKING!!” I don’t remember that so much as the time I walked up to mum a week after I’d vowed to myself to talk less, and asking her if she’d noticed.
She hadn’t.
I don’t know whether I talk any less or not, but I do know that I don’t feel that what I do say has any merit, after being told constantly to be still. The sucky thing about it is that I do te exact. same. thing to my daugter. Sometimes I feel like my head will explode if she says one more thing… and I have no idea how to not censor her and make her feel that her voice is valued without losing my mind.
I just caught myself two seconds ago doing the same thing. Sigh.
My 7th grade homeroom teacher sent me to the principal’s office when I asked why we had to go over every single answer on a work-sheet.
So I stopped raising my hand in class, pretty much for the rest of my life.
It has been a steady progression over the years. The most recent was at a former church, where I was criticized publicly and behind my back for some of the concerns and opinions I had shared. I care very much what people think… too much actually. It has been very tough going but I’m working to find the voice God wants me to have — the honest, open one who can make a safe place for others who have gone into hiding to open up.
This very same thing happened to my son several years ago in 3rd grade. His teacher chose him and another student as the ones she would target. Her life was falling apart and she belittled him in front of the class, yelled at him, and just embarrassed him something terrible. Before that he was very outgoing and loved to share his ideas. The day she called me in to discuss yet another problem she was having, he couldn’t even look her in the eye. I was SO angry with this woman for doing this to him. He even developed a stutter from this class because of it and today at the age of 15 has to really slow down when he talks because of the stutter.
Bravo that you have finally come out of that mess! Blessings to you Sarah!
Wow. It’s amazing how a moment of anger can have a lasting impact on someone’s life. Convicting.
I read the other day that words can hit a child as hard as a punch and leave just as much damage emotionally. I try to never SAY a thing when I am feeling on edge because I don’t want to hurt anyone and regret it later. Sorry goes a long way but it really never can erase the harm already done. Back in 6th grade I had said something I knew then and know now was pretty corny to a couple of friends. One of them looked at the other and rolled her eyes. They loved me, were my best friends, but that simple facial expression was wounding. Let’s just all remember that there are people out there who may seem confident on the outside but are fragile emotionally and our facial expressions and words can effect them as negatively as someone shouting at them to SHUT UP!
Just this morning, in my quiet and intimate journaling time with the Lord He reminded me not to allow confusing spirits to infect me with the lie that I don’t hear His voice.
Thank you for this post.. I also struglle with feeling that my voice is being hushed when God’s desire is for me to speak..
I stopped talking and speaking up somewhere around the 4th grade. I had just moved to a new city and new school, so trying to make friends was hard enough. I remember the day like it was yesterday, the teacher Ms. Thompson was tired of hearing me talking and I guess repeatedly telling me to be quiet that she finally called me out in front of everybody in my class and gave me a bad conduct grade which I got in trouble for at home. For me I think this was the beginning of my being an introvert. I remember from that day on telling myself to never speak up in class again for fear of getting in trouble. This has carried on in my life ever since. Now I don’t speak up in groups because I don’t think I have anything of value to add. I can definitely trace a lot of my introvert side back to that incident in the 4th grade. Crazy how things stick with us like that for life, huh?
I stopped talking at a very early age. Felt like I was a alien inside my own family. I had ideas of faith and fairness that seemed supeior to my mom. I learned if I didn’t wish to be ridiculed I just kept quiet. Now I am opening up but the fear is still with me. (my mom doesn’t read my blog ). It’s a shame when people shut down children as they are so full of innocence. I have encouraged my childrens voices.
I stopped talking when the ‘abuse’ began.
I held it in.
I couldn’t put a name on it but I knew it was wrong.
The one in power never said ‘don’t talk’ but i knew I shouldn’t.
how sad for a child to carry such a load.
I am grown now and I speak for the children…
so their voices are heard.
i’m so sorry sharon. and i’m so glad that you are speaking for children now. they need people like you.
i think this is at the very heart of God.
That is why I write and share, and journey through the pain of my youth so I can in turn help others.
Thank you for encouraging and challenging your readers to think about ‘why’ we feel the way we feel or do the things we do. God is using your ‘blog’ in a mighty way and I am going to pray for you to be richly blessed through it.
wow. sarah. wow. yes.
i, too, have only found my voice in recent years and somehow your story just made it really real to me just how silent i had been for so long, in terms of not speaking up for myself. i grew up in an alcoholic, co-dependent home where everyone walked on eggshells for fear of stepping on landmines.
early on in my counseling (seven years ago), i remember my counselor telling me no one was allowed to order from the menu for me anymore. i felt paralyzed! what would i do!? not that anyone actually *ordered* for me, but i would ask what everyone else was getting and make a decision accordingly. (i still ask the waitperson what they’re “favorite thing” on the menu is if i haven’t been to a restaurant before.)
growing up, i wasn’t allowed to think for myself or have opinions. i would hide in my room (safe place where i couldn’t hurt anyone) and then come out and explode, hurt feelings or make someone angry at me, and then run back and hide again. this was when i was only a little girl! i became the scapegoat for me family then and it became very convenient for certain family members to place blame on me because i was such a volatile child (i still have to stand up for myself about this). i have had to work very hard to even become aware when they are placing their sh…tuff on me so i can give it back to them in a nicely wrapped bow and not own it for myself.
in the same way, i am thinking of that girl, your youth leader. man, she was obviously projecting onto you her own insecurities about something. how we do that and are so unaware but the effects can really be devastating. i’m sorry for your fifteen year old self that you had that experience. it wasn’t your fault.
i’m still very laidback and the most important thing to me is just getting quality time in with someone. so, if i really *don’t* care what we do, i don’t mind saying that. but i’ve definitely come a long way from being the girl with no thoughts of her own. and i have definitely found my voice. (and i’ve also come out of hiding and, therefore, don’t blow up on people anymore.)
ironically, i’ve answered a call to a speaking ministry. it still blows me away that the lord really is victorious over the enemy who tried to rob me of so many of the gifts god’s given me for so long. ROAR, devil!
i’m glad you’ve found your voice, sarah. it’s beautiful and inspiring.
mk
I teach elementary school. I have quite a few talkers in my classroom. I try to remind them that there’s an appropriate time to talk. In the classroom setting, there has to be a balance as to how much and how long you’re going to allow the students to comment on the topic. You can really find yourself getting lost in all the comments. I have a talker at home, and it drives me up the wall. I allow her to talk for a while. Then I reach the point of, “It’s quiet time”. She doesn’t seem to be discouraged by it. She chimes right back in at the first chance she gets.
I used to get “excessive talking” checked on my report card all of the time. It was because I had side conversations during instructional time. That however did not stop me from expressing my opinion at times. I don’t believe in debating with someone who is bent on their own opinion as being the only opinion. I don’t waste time with that. I do pray or at least try to before deciding to remain quiet. My mama says, “You have to choose your battles.” So Sarah, will what you’re going to say benefit the hearers? If so, then speak up and allow the Lord to use you.
When I was about 16, I had a friend who asked if I would stop talking so much about a boy so she could actually get to talk. I was embarrassed. I stopped talking and became a very good listener. Years later I asked her about that comment, and she could not remember making it.
I was a serious talker in school. My mom would constantly remind me not to dominate a conversation. Thankfully my teachers were pretty encouraging of me speaking up, and I raised my hand constantly. I’m not sure when I stopped talking so much and started listening more, but I find myself being the quiet one in conversations with other women…until I really get to know them and spend time with them. I just listen. As I’ve grown into self-confidence I try not to worry about what people think of me as much, but there are times when I have expressed my opinions and have been chastised for them and it stung…like just this week on the issue of women working outside the home. I never in a million years thought I’d find myself feeling judged by conservative Christian women. So it is making me not want to share on my own blog. Blech.
don’t worry about them.
it’s be an “interesting” week, to say the least.
i’m glad you’re here. =)
All your posts this week are speaking directly to my heart. In a big way. Mulling over what you have beautifully shared and asking myself and God some very important questions. Ready to come to the end of myself again. THANK you for being so raw and authentic and honest. It’s so encouraging and refreshing. Really. Love.
My silencing began when I taught in a Christian school. It was more important for me to have the facade of the perfect Christian aka Republican, Baptist, submissive quiet woman, any other ideas were not allowed. So, I struggle to speak in a church setting because I experience so much pain, rejection , and loneliness.
you aren’t alone. a lot of women are experiencing the same thing you are describing.
thank you for sharing, sarah.
I grew up being told that women were supposed to be quiet. Now my husband encourages me to talk.
i am silenced now. silenced in my christian community, in my church.
in the past i was prideful. i know it.
i’ve been told to “think before i speak,” that i’m abrasive, people walk on egg shells around me, that i’m opinionated, have to have things my way…
in the past 7 years God has grown me a lot in humility, but i still live in the gracelessness of many of my christian peers. still holding to the old in me not seeing the new. it hurts, but it causes me to be intentional about grace, intentional about extending it.
but the silence has caused me to live in fear too long, and i don’t know how to break free of the fear?
so i’ve left that church, and left my old identity there, in hopes to live in my new one… in Christ.
i’ve felt silenced a lot. felt it all growing up, and it was only reinforced even more in my marriage. i still feel hesitant to voice an opinion or express a want/need, but … i’m getting better. getting less afraid. (most days.)
I think God is learning to keep me quiet so that I can listen-to Him and to others more. I am realizing how quickly I can turn a conversation back to ME! So I guess for good reasons I am learning to stay quiet, but at the same time I am becoming more confident in my speaking/writing and in sharing what God has laid on my heart. Thanks for sharing this part of your story Sarah
I am silenced NOW…at almost 48 years of age, because of my own stupidity. After having done the most damage to those I love the most, and being hurt myself by uncaring, unchristian people, I have learned to silence myself and draw back. It’s a painful existence and kills me every day. I am dying inside…and out.
i’m so sorry c.s.
Sarah…your ‘blogs’ are an inspiration to me, tho. One thing that keeps me going… Please don’t stop. I can relate to you more than you know…. Thanks for all you do… the Lord is working through you
Oh yes I can understand this very well. More than one time in the past I’ve been called a “know it all” and learned to keep my peace. However, what I think was most affecting to me (and it still is something I struggle with honestly) was in the sixth grade when I was talking about something at church or Jesus and a girl told me to “shut up and stop being such a Jesus Freak”. I was devastated at the rebuke, embarrassed because it was in front of other friends. Words have so much more power than we give them credit.
My dad always asks “are you still talking?!”
I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I’m a 24 year old college grad who lives with her parents and moved away from her friends.
It’s tough.
Why do I have to feel bad for talking?
i’ve been silenced most of my life. my mother despised questions or even suggestions. sometimes, if my question was said at the wrong time, the situation would turn violent. however, if i went silent, then i was called stubborn and self-serving. i couldn’t win. so, i learned to just give enough to keep the peace.
once i was out of the house, my voice transformed from “muffled” to “controlling”. my fight was to control everything… it was an extension of what i needed to fight for in myself… but i didn’t do it right. i had something to say about everything… and not all things needed words.
now… after a lot of healing, i think i have a more appropriate and healthy outlook on when to be silent and when to speak… but i still have a long way to go.
great post, my sweet friend.
The unspoken rules in my household growing up:
1 – Don’t talk
2 – Don’t feel
3 – Don’t ask for help
If you do – you’ll be a burden.
It took me over 35 years to start finding my voice… Blogging has helped tremendously. But it is still a daily struggle I fight in my marriage – thinking my voice is less important – at work – thinking my voice has no value… a daily battle.
Wow. I was just talking with my pastors last night about this. I have felt silenced for probably most of my life. My dad could be pretty overbearing growing up. I learned to just internalize everything. Breaking out my shell has been a hard fight, but I think I’m winning. I’m unlearning “silence” and feeling comfortable and confident with being who I am in Christ.
Thanks for the post! It’s great follow up to my meeting last night.
Amazing post. Making me really think.
I grew up feeling like my opinion didn’t matter too much, and as a result I swallowed a lot of the things my parents taught me and showed me without questioning. It has only been as I entered my 40′s that I have started to discover who I really am. What I like. What I believe. It’s a journey.
Thank you for your honesty and transparency in your writing. I’m loving it.
whoa. I’ve felt that. it’s so deep I can’t pinpoint it. but you just spoke to something in me with this story…
I was silenced, not in words, but in actions. A girl scout leader who had a new baby wouldn’t let me hold her, even supervised, and it got into my pre-adolescent head that I would do something wrong, or hurt a baby, so I stopped. I had nothing to do with children for the longest time, and it took being asked into the nursery at HCF before I finally addressed that fear, though I still freeze up if someone gives me an infant to hold.
Sometimes I think we can be silenced if we are treated with silence. I had friends in middle school decide out of the blue to drop me one day, and I got the silent treatment for months. When I was able to move on to new friendships, I almost didn’t know how, since I’d been shown I was only ok to be around if I was a ghost.
That happened to me at school too… for no apparent reason, for the whole of last term at school of grade 8, I sat alone.
My most painful memory of that time was just before school broke (here in Australia we go January -December with our big break in the middle) and the class did a Secret Santa. The rules were you could only swap the name you drew out of the hat if it was our own. I wanted to know who drew my name, (control issues, much?) so I folded my piece of paper very small, so I’d be able to find them opening it. Sarah got it, and my heart broke when she went up the front of the class, and asked the girl with the hat full of names if she could swap. Nicole looked at who she had drawn, gave Sarah a look of pity, and shook her head, no. I don’t think I have ever, in the 17 years since that day, shaken the overwhelming feeling of worthlessness… I wasn’t even worth a five dollar Kris Kringle.
Oh, yes. Being the youngest of six kids, with a mom struggling with depression for years, I learned at some point, after being told often, that my opinion didn’t matter. In college, when friends would go home with me they would often comment that I became a totally different person at home. It was as if I didn’t exist. It took me many years to realize my voice mattered. And I still have to remind myself sometimes today… Just a lot less often, thank goodness.
huge pattern of being silenced in my marriage.
on some level, and without casting any blame, this probably led to great amount of emotional shut down on my part.
sadly, that shut down led to me seeking the affection of another man.
so, silenced? yes.
and finding your voice again is so freeing.
a world of good can come from a marriage where both partners are equally heard and neither are silenced.
we are learning that around here, lately.
I was silenced as a child. I don’t know if this was the first incident or not, but it sticks out in my mind. I was in the 8th grade, in a private school. The teacher had left the room for a moment and a boy came up behind me and shoved his hands down my uniform blouse. The teacher came in and blamed me. I tried to defend myself (for what I don’t know), but she said it was my fault because my top button was not buttoned. This same teacher assigned an art project one day to make an album cover (yes, showing my age a bit). I thought it was pretty neat to do a Carpenters cover (again, the age thing) but using a car, a pen and some tears. Well, that same teacher took my album cover and I think two others and belittled them in front of the rest of the class. My father did the same thing to me as I was the scapegoat in our family for just about everything.
To this day, I can’t stand confrontation and don’t always speak up for myself. I don’t always share my opinions as I am afraid that people will be offended or judge me for not having enough knowledge to even have an opinion.
Someone else mentioned silencing their daughter and this post has hit me hard there as well. My daughter has a loving and generous heart. However, she is also loud and talks incessantly. She asks the same questions over and over and repeats things ad nauseum. I find myself getting frustrated with her. I am trying to be more patient. I will ask the Lord for help in this area. I do not want my daughter’s outgoing personality to be crushed by her mother. Nor do I want her to experience what I have gone through and continue to experience today.
wow, heather.
stories like this make me want to be careful where and how i ever lay blame even in my own household. thank you so much for sharing.
I was silenced at age four by the monster who chose to sexually abuse me. He threatened to kill me, my sisters and my mother if I told anyone of what he was doing to me. I became terrified to talk, afraid I would accidentally let it slip and then one of my loved ones would be hurt by him, a family member who was around them all the time. It changed me and silenced me.
Then my stepfather legally adopted me at age 10 without asking my opinion. I felt I had betrayed my birth father. I felt my opinion really didn’t matter. It changed me and silenced me.
Two marriages ended because I didn’t speak up when I knew something was wrong. I mistakenly thought my opinion didn’t matter and that I was just not good enough. It changed me and silenced me even more.
Growing up, I journaled and wrote to silently voice my opinion. Today I know how to speak my heart through my writing AND my spoken words, and I have taught my children that their voices will always be welcomed here.
Here I am though, at 42 years old, and my husband is trying to silence me again, so I am trepidatiously working through that with him. Thank goodness God values my heart and my opinion and has saved me from the lies of the enemy. His love has changed me, and I won’t be silenced again.
Sarah, thank you for your post.
When I was 10 my parents divorced. I would go visit my Dad for weekends. He got a new girlfriend who had horses. I was so excited to meet her and the horses. I dreamed of having a horse and “riding away” wherever I wanted. My Dad took me to the corral where his new lady was feeding the horses. Apparently one of the horses was very skiddish, and I did not know. I was an excited kid and I jumped up and grabbed a tree branch just outside of the corral. It startled the one horse and he ran away and wouldn’t eat. My dad’s girlfriend yelled at me and told me it was my fault her horse wouldn’t eat now. She apologized later, but I never had the same excitement for horses again. Her yelling at me became associated with horses in my mind. I have three children of my own and it makes me sad to think I might accidentally do something like this to them. God help me guard my words.
isn’t it wild how simple events can be so huge in shaping our personalities??
i’m so sorry about the horses. =(
I don’t share things cause I’m afraid of the criticism I’ll receive. My mother especially has silenced me. I don’t tell her things because of her reaction to me.
Wow Sarah! You’ve really touched a nerve here! I’m a talker and my daughter takes after me. I can vividly recollect my mom interrupting me to say, “I’ve lost interest.” It hurt. Yet, like so many others have mentioned, I’m doing the same thing to my daughter. Thank you for sharing what you experienced and how God is healing you. I’m praying for myself and the others who commented here that we will all know the truth about the power of our own words: to heal and to hurt.
I find myself saying “I don’t care” or “I don’t want to know” more times than I care to admit. It pains *ME* everytime I say it… I can only imagine what it does to my kids
I’m starting to think God gives us little people so that we can break the cycle, not carry it on, as Satan would have us do. I would do well to remember that the next time I’m hearing the same story for the eleventy-fifth time.
My husband was silenced by sexual abuse he experienced as a child. This impacted on our marriage in various ways and only when he committed adultery did he tell me about his childhood trauma this was after years of marriage. I am now silenced by his actions and feel numb for it. I used to be a great talker now I am the opposite and do not even know how to relate to a husband who has moved out and is hurting. God has called me to stand for my marriage so it to him I turn and speak with. I do ache and long to speak with my husband but I am not sure how as he is not interested in talking after hurtful words during a difficult time. Yes, much is written about the tongue and how we are to guard ourselves and think before speaking. Thank you for your post.
wow. so much hurt in all of these comments.
and thank you, anthea for being brave enough to share that here.
I was a smart and gregarious kid. Good self-esteem. Smart and respected by peers. Then one day in 5th grade we had an angry substitute. He was belittling students left and right. I mumbled something as a way of standing up for a girl he wrongly chastized. He turned on me.
You! What’s your name?
Me? Sean.
Sean? SHUT UP! You know what? That’s your name for the rest of the day – “Sean Shut-Up.”
We went to the principal at recess to complain. The principal blew us off, even chuckled I think. I mean, of course he did. We were just a few stupid kids.
It wasn’t until I saw a counselor 7 years ago that she traced some of my issues to this event. And I was like, eh. Okay. Maybe. Maybe not.
It wasn’t until today that I realize it wasn’t just me, and it isn’t just being woe-is-me or ridiculous to accept that this one bit of verbal abuse and discounting of anything I would say changed me for the worse.
I’m now an editor, and a writer, and a confident person. But I do wonder how it would have been different if one angry man hadn’t taken one bad day out on one group of kids, or if one principal had backed them up.
wow. that’s amazing.
on the list of bad nick names, that one is near the top i think.
thank you so much for commenting, sean.
Sarah, I’m so thankful for your voice today! I am praying for each one here who has been silenced by abuse, humiliation and hurting to now be set free to speak the words He gives them to, in His name and for His glory.
love, deb
I could not speak as a child for fear of making my mother angry, of setting off a violent rage. I tried so very hard to be perfect, to make her happy. So instead of speaking my feelings, I wrote them in my journal. One day my mother found my journal and all hell broke loose. One more avenue of communication was shut down. Then I married a man who belittled and criticized every facet of my being….I’ve turned into an emotionally stunted person with no outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I don’t know how to find my way back out of the cave in my heart.
Sarah,
Once again, you got me thinking.
Thanks.
http://shariluebbert.blogspot.com/2010/06/unspoken.html
I often go through cycles of silence. Someone is offended and so offends…and I am quiet. I beat myself up and then I build myself up and endeavour to be who God created me to be. I stand up. A new cycle in my life, a different person and different situation and again I am silent. I can’t begin to remember where or how the cycle started, but here I am at 38 and again just a few days ago someone said “I don’t like being told what to do.” What I heard was, I don’t need your wisdom or insight to navigate the road ahead of me. So once again I become silent.
I remember reading Purpose Driven Life and the question that struck me was “what is the one thing about yourself that you hate and would change if you could?” It was then followed by the statement that God put it there for a reason, now figure out what it is and why. I often struggle with imparting wisdom, knowledge, opinion, observation or any insight what so ever because of the hurt I received. A friend with a common ‘gift’ once said to me that sometimes the wisdom or insight (which comes across as know it all) is for someone, and other times it is just for you. For you to pray about, to intercede, to converse only with God about. The struggle comes from knowing the difference. I am caught between a rock and a hard place because during the times when I am in my silent phase I am also in my observing and listening phase and it LOOKS LIKE I am judging people. I am simply paying very close attention.
I am still learning, and not always learning well the first time. I still get offended and become silenced especially by those who should know me well enough to be more caring with their words. But they are learning too (I hope).
Thank you Sarah for this post, it made me cry and then it made me want to talk again.
Seriously good stuff. I think it speaks to where I am right now in so many ways. I have been delving into the lies that I have believed in my life going way back that are inhibiting me in my life now. One of these lies is believing that what I have to say is worthless. God is restoring in me the desire to speak again.
Many years ago in a Bible study, the leader called me at home and told me that I was basically hogging all the discussion. Not only had she noticed it, but apparently others (I’m guessing plural – I don’t know) had complained about me. God had given me some great insights, and at the time, I guess I felt I should share them all. After her phone call, I just wanted to never say another word, never share another thing in our group. I think God’s provided a little better balance these days, but it still hurt when it happened and I offered absolutely nothing for a time.
Have I been silenced? Absolutely! As a young girl, I was taught that by voicing my opinion, it meant that I was being disrespectful. No matter how innocent the comment or request seemed, I was quickly shushed. I am now thirty and really have learned in just the past year that what I say does matter, that I do have worth, and my opinion does count even if it is only for myself. It took a while, and I stll struggle with it at times, but at least I’m being authentic to who I am by speaking up.
Wow, great post, Sarah. As one of many siblings in a large family with busy, distracted parents, and not being one of the “outspoken” ones…it was not overt or malicious, but in many ways, I was silenced and invisible, nonetheless.
In ways that still affect me and that I’m back to peeling through layers of right now. Yuck. And painful.
At many levels, I have no problem having opinions and acting on them. But then I hit some things that catch me by surprise. I like your line -”But it turned into a fear of being responsible for my own opinions.” Been chewing on that recently and you put it into words.
Thanks for bringing this up!
i have been silenced and it has been hurtful. i find it easier to not speak, to not say what is on my mind or in my heart. i want to protect myself rather than be silenced again. i can still feel some of that sting. it feels safe to be silent rather than have the comments, etc… from others. i am learning and trying to grow in this area but it is hard.
i was silenced by never being heard. even when i was screaming out my pain in other ways, casual sex, drugs, etc., my parents either didn’t hear me or chose not to. so, i am painfully becoming more “vocal”, with my therapist, my husband, a few choice friends. sometimes i’m angry when i do speak my mind because i don’t want to have to tell someone something about myself or that may be hurtful to them. some people don’t understand that if i didn’t care i wouldn’t bother talking. does that make sense?
I didn’t experience this as a child, but, because of my own behaviors and reactions to others, I was silenced. I had been, for two years, praying about starting a blog, but I needed to get over that final hurdle of fear, giving myself permission to speak…I linked to this post here…http://findingrestforthesoul.blogspot.com/2010/07/learning-from-girl-that-used-to-be-me.html. This post that you wrote was the encouragement I needed to jump over the hurdle and move forward…thank you so much!