I had an uncomfortable phone call a few weeks ago.
She didn’t understand what I was trying to say. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t understand her either.
Sigh.
I got off the phone angry, but I wasn’t really sure what I was angry about. Neither of us felt “heard” or understood, and I even felt a little manipulated. Later when I talked to my husband about it, I asked him to talk me down off my ledge; that I didn’t want to be angry.
Grace.
To let go of my anger I must have grace. And love.
See, this is how it works. When my friend decided to communicate something to me it began as a thought in her head. She chose words, actions and gestures to communicate it to me. It floats through the air {quite literally} and hits a {quite figurative} wall of my own baggage. All of my history, my pain, grief, bad habits, hurts, bitterness serve as a lens or a filter through which I “hear” what she is communicating.
And then, what began as a thought in her head ends as a thought in my own. But it is drastically altered.
Thinking about this makes me wonder if we ever can truly communicate well.
Even my blog posts: I do my best to be direct, understandable, and clear. But as it floats through the internet to you, it hits up against your wall of memories and preconceived ideas either about me, what I’m writing about or what you know of me. It climbs up into your brain as a thought, sometimes radically different than what I’m intending to communicate.
So you misunderstand sometimes.
Like I misunderstood my friend on our phone call. And it made me angry.
Grace. Love.
Here’s an idea. What if we all tore down the wall that we use as a lens. All of that hurt and bitterness and the time that that guy broke your heart. There are tears there, wounds unhealed, calluses. What if we took that down brick by brick and instead put up a wall of
Grace.
So that when others spoke to us, or yelled at us, or cried at us, we’d hear it through a wall of grace. A filter of love. A lens of understanding.
That’s what I’m praying for myself today. Walls of Grace.
Do you have walls? Grace-filled or hurt-filled?
sigh. I have two relationships in arrears like this today. this week. last week. maybe longer. I needed to read this today. I want to listen through that “wall of grace.”
Hey Sarah!
Thanks for this picture today…I need some thick walls up- walls of grace!! I hear ya on that one!
This is so well said Sarah. I recently had dinner with a friend who called me out on some stuff and we came to the same conclusion. It is so easy for things to be distorted or assumed when filtered through our experiences and defense mechanisms. I think if I had to pick between grace filled or hurt filled, mostly my walls have more grace these days. What they could use however is a lot more humility. My friend really made me see the pride and selfishness in my own heart that keeps me from giving the grace I have been given.
it helps to know the difference between legitimate misunderstandings and outright lies.
calling lies “misunderstandings” and calling misunderstandings “lies” doesn’t help.
a person who creates lies about us in their imaginations is no true friend, but an enemy no matter how much we want them to like us. they demand that we conform to their false accusations, apologize for things we never said or did, and require us to change in ways that are not clearly issues of right and wrong.
a person who misunderstands is willing to listen and talk it out.
if someone is self-deceived about who you are, and she is unwilling to believe the truth, you *will* be anguished. you may feel righteous indignation, but don’t let the sun go down on your anger–Jesus’ statute of limitations on righteous anger is (at the most) 24 hours. and then don’t *fret* because of evil-doers. someone who is in bondage to lies that she has created and believes about you is in truth an evil-doer.
God give you grace to respond and wisdom to know the truth, sarah.
Wow, well said. I believe I am beginning to see that to remain self-righteous is to live behind walls that are literal barriers to what you seek as grace. It is almost scary to me that so often simple direct communication with another human being causes us to back into an angry state. But, it is exactly as you say; the mind places words where they fit most easily based upon who we are, our experiences. As a child we have to learn to not get angry as we receive input that is new to us, we see our children go through this and we are patient and loving; then as adults we often fall into a fortress of self-righteousness where our interpretation justifies all too often an infantile response and we only can recognize this as ugliness, even in those we love. And, most unfortunately, I feel like we can only truly pursue grace for ourselves. As I am beginning to see, it is the same with a relationship with God, it is a decision, a choice, and always, always I suspect a challenge because, again, in your words, it is not always easiest. But we don’t make our best choices, reach for our higher aspirations, or grasp the warm satisfaction of holding what we value from only doing what is easiest in our world.
I don’t believe your work via this blog will help my marriage Sarah, but it does help me, your articulating what is simply true; and what I love so much, that these truths, while they may be a part of our soul, must be given respect and nurtured, for they will not guide us without us choosing to reach for them.
All to say – loved the truth in what I read today from your words!
Hi Sarah~
Oh how I needed to read this today, thank you! I am in the midst of a close friendship right now where I need to hear things through the walls of grace and love. There has been alot of misunderstanding and because of it hurt, that seems to be brought back into conversations. Grace is needed, so thank you for your words.
Wow, Sarah. Thank you. My “walls” are walls of hurt, walls that I put up as a result of unfulfilled expectations in previous friendships. I don’t want to be hurt again. But what God is showing me now is that my expectations were totally out of line.
I want my walls to be those of grace. Your words came at a very good time!
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us, day after day. You are a blessing to me!
Lovely post Sarah. I think it is wonderful how you allow the uncomfortable situations in your own life to be transformed into words of wisdom to share with us.
I definitely need to try to start practicing putting up walls of grace. As I continue my healing process with my parents, my first instinct is to put up all my hurt and see through defensive eyes. When I am talking to my parents sometimes, it amazes me how quickly I can build a wall of hurt and anger….brick by brick – it goes up SO fast. My husband helped me start tearing these bricks down one evening by gently asking me questions about the situation which opened my eyes to my parents true motivations.
In this situation, I am still not in a place where I am erecting walls of grace (I try but they are so flimsy that they are easily knocked down…) but I am encouraged to keep pursuing a humble and graceful heart in this area.
thanks sarah!
My wall of hurt is thick. And it does affect the way I am with people. I am very insulated. Someone described me once as a glass table. Strong and rigid on the outside but so easily broken. I was stunned because they were right.
I wrote a song recently, and one of the lines is, You go into that shattered place and fill me with your loving grace…and make me whole. (You can listen to it on my blog)
I can choose to stay angry and bitter and never experience the joy God intends for me. Or I can go there. Into that shattered place. A place of brokenness and allow God to heal me from the inside out. When we experience this type of grace from God its much easier to extend that to others.
What you wrote today was and is very though provoking, and definitely is causing me to look deeper in to my self to see just how much my walls/filters/lens affect how I understand things. Thanks for this.. I love to self-analyze and find things I can change so I can be a better example of Christ. Great, great post.
beautiful picture … it is hard to communicate well – thank God for grace
Can blogs get a “like” button? Or is that too facebookish? I “like” this post! Thank you.
Wow…i did NOT realize what was up ahead for me today and how much I was going to need this post. I already commented earlier and related it to my situation with my parents.
THAN my husband called me right before my lunch and was excited to share something with me that he heard on the radio. OH man. the way he talked about the subject fired up so much hurt and defensive inside me when all he wanted to do was talk about what he had learned. But this particular topic – unknowingly to him at the moment – touched every point of hurt I had been struggling with all morning.
I had to get off the phone and still can’t talk to him about it right now….
BUT…
even though I am having a hard time changing my thinking AT LEAST i know what is going on and I can at least control my actions and words and not allow my incorrect thinking to cause wrong behavior.
Thanks again Sarah…
I have a 4 year old wall with the person who is my oldest friend in the world. I’ve attempted to tear down the wall, but she’s not interested. And this all started, like your situation, because of a break-down in communication. A big misunderstanding. So I’d have to say my walls are hurt-filled, and so in need of grace.
I think we all do have walls or lenses or filters we process information through and yes, sometimes they do end up tapping into an old hurt or mis-communicating our intention to those reading or hearing what we are trying to say. Don’t you love that the answer really is all about grace?
Go any rubbing compound handy?
My lens is cloudy at the moment, I need and want to find grace with someone I love, and not come at them with the venom that’s being made with my past hurts.
What a post Sarah, thank you!
There you go again Sarah, asking us those questions that He would want us to answer in earnest with Him. I love reading all the comments. As I do, and see myself in each one, it makes me think of how Jesus was misunderstood too. He had communication problems with those around Him. Maybe as I think of all He faced trying to communicate grace to us, it will help me build up more grace with others myself. love, deb
Great post, Sarah. It always amazes me when I see others dealing with the same thing I am. I don’t know why it always amazes me, but it does. I think that part of building our walls comes from feeling the of isolation that comes from trying to protect yourself from being hurt one more time. I have learned many ways to do this, by being incredibly busy in “ministry”, family, work, or whatever so you don’t have time to talk-or by just not answering the phone or emails.
Grace so free, yet so costly.
This brings back a song I sang in church that said “Grace, grace, God’s grace. Grace that will pardon and cleanse within…” Oh yes, I always feel like grace is pardoning and cleansing within, but the person that keeps on agitating and hurting, keeps on agitating and hurting…there’s no end it seems like if they keep thinking one thing and not on the same page. To myself, I feel totally awesome from His cleansing, so I would know and feel confident that I’ll rely on His Grace! I go for the encouragement Grace gives me to press on! I need that! Such a tremendous blog! Thanks, Sarah…happy weekend!
[...] writing has been amazing this week, and so convicting. She talks about grace in this one, and how we all tend to see things through glasses that are shaded with our life experiences, and [...]
[...] writing has been amazing this week, and so convicting. She talks about grace in this one, and how we all tend to see things through glasses that are shaded with our life experiences, and [...]