I learned a long time ago that I can’t control everything in my life.
The more people I love, the more things I gather around me, the deeper I fall into them. And the irony is that it becomes less and less possible to control anything.
I can “train up” my children, but in the end, they have to make their own choices. I can be the best wife, but it still is up to my husband whether he hurts me or not.
If I have learned one thing, it is that I AM NOT IN CONTROL.
Oh, I try to be. I can do all that I can to protect my children. Put them in helmets and seatbelts and bandaids. But bad things happen.
Little girls fall of horses and break their necks. Somebody gets into a car after they’ve had too much and broadsides a mini-van. Or someone we trust may, in fact, be untrustworthy.
The Idea Camp bloggers are writing about sexual abuse this week. And honestly, I can’t write from personal experience. I can’t. I vowed a long time ago to NOT write about anything or try to SPEAK about anything that I don’t have something experiential to say.
But I can write about fear.
I can say that I am scared for my daughters. For things and places that I cannot control. I have to come to terms with the fact that the hearts and bodies of my children are outside the realm of my control.
Things are different now than they were when I was a little girl. Or when my parents were 8 and riding their bikes down to the lake or a friend’s house.
No one was afraid.
Not like they are now and not like I am now. I won’t let my girls play in the front yard without me. You might call me overprotective or too-careful, but what other option do I have?
I have two little girls — one who will be developing very soon but both too small and too young to protect themselves.
I can look at the website and find the sex-offenders in my neighborhood. I can look down the street and wonder about the house full of just-guys at the corner and wonder what they do behind their doors. Or I can just keep them inside for the rest of their lives…
But I do know what abuse does to people. I’ve listened to their stories. And if the thought ever crosses my mind during a weak moment of that
insane
panicked
fear of a mother
I can’t fathom the thought of one of my little ones being subjected to something so horrible.
Because all of it is out of my control. All of it.
And the older they get, the more minor freedoms I must give them. I must. It is essential to their development. Every. Single. Time. I let each of them do something else, push another boundary, it just kills me.
The only thing that I can control is how much I trust God. How much I trust Him. And if abuse, God forbidding, becomes part of the Story of one of my daughters, then so be it.
I have to trust God with them.
I have to trust God with them.
I have to.
What about you? Do you trust God with your children? Is it possible to protect them from everything?
I worry, too. But I know I have to let God be in charge. He gave me these kids on loan anyway and I have to trust Him. But that doesn’t make it easy.
Oh Sarah,
I related so much with what you shared today. Sexual abuse is probably the biggest fear that I have for my girls (three of them, 5, 4, and 2). As they grow, I will do my part to teach modesty, proper touch, being aware of dangerous situations, things like that, but the fact remains that I simply have to trust God. He is their loving Father and will not allow anything to happen outside His plan. And I pray, mostly that they will be safe and protected, but also that I will trust Him and entrust them to Him.
Thanks for an excellent post.
Rachel W
yes, me too Rachel.
Yes, trust God is so necessary. But, a lot of commitment to listen, teach character traits, (mandatory teaching boundaries) and spend time since emotional feelings in today’s society get swept away…but ask them “how do you feel about this….?” Even though they love to talk, we need to keep our eyes, ears, and attitude open to what is really going on. ….in love, respect, awareness and trust. I feel like you won’t have any problem because you are aware of life’s issues. They will stay close to you. I don’t have any doubt about that.
Sarah,
As the mother of a houseful of teenagers and one little guy coming up behind them, I have learned the more difficult way that I can’t and won’t ever be able to protect them from everything.
I’ll try. With everything in me, I’ll try. Especially after experiencing that abuse as a child, myself. But, the fact remains, there are times when we can’t be with them/protect them/stand guard over them, and that’s scary.
So, I pray over them. Everyday.
And then talk to them openly about the facts. About how to protect themselves as best as possible. They can handle the truth, on an age appropriate basis. Actually, they need the truth. Especially in this day and age.
Then, without sounding carefree about this subject (b/c i’ve lived it and it’s beyond painful) I try to remember that if someday this does become part of the story of one of my children,
He can heal it.
He will use it.
He can restore what was lost.
He doesn’t waste one thing.
Because I’ve seen Him do all of these things in my very own story with similar circumstances.
Great post, Sarah.
As always.
Nikkie
Thank you for sharing. I can relate in the lives of my girls. I was not sexually abused but they were by their father right under my nose.
Oh the guilt I felt for allowing this to happen. I can testify that God does heal, He does use it for His glory, He does restore and our lives are not wasted.
We ultimately had to leave the situation. We are four very different girls. We are God’s girls, we are loved, we are rescued!
Leah
i am so sorry leah. so heartbreaking…
but, your girls are fortunate to have you. you were wise enough to leave.
i’m so sorry, leah.
you are very brave.
Nikki,
Never thought this sort of pain as sexual abuse could affect me. I’d always skip over articles in the paper or tune it out on the news. it didn’t except one time over 2 dcades ago and then was a victom of sexual abuse 2 yrs ago. It isn’t be identity. There’s confidence in stating that! I will always sing about the power of prayer I experienced during the initial shock and the watererfall of blessings that God provided a few months after the initial trauma. He was with & carried me through that valley. He never lets go. But since I was a victom, I see Christ differently- in a new and good way and see the world differently. I’m overwhelmed in the grace He gives all of us- even the abusers. After yrs in therapy I can attest to what Nikki said, He can HEAL (yes, there will be a scar), He will RESTORE, He will USE IT FOR HIS GLORY. B/c of the rape that happened to me, the Lord began to peel back other areas of my heart and work on it. I can always testify to the work He’s done.
i have 3 boys (7, 5, 2) and this is the one fear i have not been able to shake….yet. but i do have days where i am able to say, as you did, that if it ends up being be part of their story, God can and will use it for Good! as with so much of life it’s both painful AND freeing to know that i’m not in control…
This is a daily struggle for me! My children are grown and I still have trust issues. It’s a sin…I know…dear Lord give me the strength to trust You completely!!
There is so much power in prayer…..it is the only way to survive as a mother the constant, nagging little fear that something might happen to our children. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and felt like someone was urgently telling me “pray! pray now for your children!” and within minutes the phone has rung and something has happened. They’ve been fine in the end each time but those moments when you feel and know that God and his holy angels are looking out for your children are so comforting. Trust them to God and do your part – protect them and pray for them.
My wake up calls are not about child molestation but other things – my two oldest sons were sitting in the back of a police car & the officer called and said “I was about to arrest them but just decided that if you can pick them up here in half an hour or less, I’ll let them go with a warning.” Another time the hospital called and said “your son was in a car accident and was brought in unconscious but he’s alert now and seems to be just fine.” I think that intervention prayer works – whether it’s to keep them safe from others when little or older from themselves and the trouble life can dole out…..God is good and listens to the heartfelt prayers of mothers for their children.
i think you are absolutely right. God listens to the prayers of mothers for their little ones.
oh Sarah you have touched on a nerve of all mom’s and grandma’s. It is a huge fear. One that we can educate about, learn about and discuss. But in reality, ‘from experience as a survivor of childhood trauma’ it is not often the ‘stranger down the street’ one must worry about. It is the relative you always had a ‘different feeling about’, it is the step parent,(not all the time), it is the teacher or other authority type person. The KEY is… if it EVER happens. EVER. LISTEN and believe. When I told my story. I was told to not ever talk about it again. “Now that we have discussed it we don’t have to bring it up again”. THEN it moved into… ‘you caused this family pain’…when I was the innocent.
So in closing… we can pray we can pray more… in the final end we must believe the children.
NO matter what the adults say.
(yes sometimes they are accused wrongfully but most times not)
It takes tremendous courage for the words to come so when they do please listen to the children if you ever have to.
FEAR is a big thing for THIS grandma. Fear is not from the Lord so I calmly ask HIM to protect the little ones and send those mighty angels to be a force against the evil.
Thank you again Sarah for bringing up a topic of ‘great concern’. Sharon from Something to think about blog.
“The KEY is… if it EVER happens. EVER. LISTEN and believe.”
this is so very true.
I thought I would add my blog name incase you were not sure who I was, hope it is ok to do that. Take care…and again thank you for challengin us on this very intense topic.
Praying and pressing into God with total trust and surrender is the only way we can ever hope to protect, train, and let go of our children. Not that it’s easy. My boys are now 16 & 15 and it’s definitely been a challenge over the years. I’m sure I was a bit over-protective. I don’t think in a psycho-fanatical way, but I can now see some of that fear in my older son. I just pray that he’ll seek after the Lord in that and learn to trust Him. Excellent post, as always, Sarah.
I agree. Praying and pressing into God. Thank you for the reminder!
Sarah,
I have 3 girls and a boy. I have concerns about all of them. Boys are abused too and it is so sick. I keep a close eye on my kids at all times and only let people that I completely trust watch them. If anyone does them wrong, I will get in there face and I’m not sorry about that. Thanks for you blogs, I really enjoy them.
yes, very good point. boys and girls, both, can be victims.
I struggle with this for multiple reasons. First, my daughter was abused by the fiancee of my sister-in-law. (She married him anyway but that’s a whole different level of issue.) So we’ve had a child abused by someone put in a position of trust. It had to be God working within me that I didn’t go after the guy with sharp, pointy objects. And a sledgehammer. And a cheese grater. Or a orchiectomy via chainsaw.
On top of that, I have a son with autism who can’t communicate verbally very well. He certainly couldn’t describe what happened if someone did something to him. When I allow fear to run, it takes me to horrific thoughts of what people are going to try to do to him through his life.
I trust God. I know He’s there. I also know that He doesn’t automatically take away all the pain we see in our lives and one of our children has already been abused…so I’m in a place that while I trust God I also worry a bit.
Wow. Thank you Jason. I’m so sorry about the pain and the struggles your family has already had to deal with. I’m so so sorry.
I really appreciate your comment especially bc it comes from a place of experience. Thank you again for trusting us with your story.
i am so glad to know i’m not the only one, yet again. and i don’t even have children!
but i do have one niece whom i lived with from the time she was born until she was 19 months and now only 1.5 miles away and see every day and love her MORE THAN ANYTHING AS IF she were my own child.
and i have this same fear you describe.
thank you for putting it out there, for exposing it. fear is such a cunning tool of the enemy, even moreso when he can isolate us into thinking we’re the only one who has it. but PERFECT LOVE casts out all fear, so lord perfect your love in me. in us. we need it. and help us to trust. (and by ‘us’ i mean ‘me’.)
xo
ooooh you hit the nail on the head this time around for me.
i was physically and sexually abused as a child for about a decade of my life. and although God has healed me and i’ve come a long way from being that broken person i used to be… there is still one area that God is working in me… and that is learning to trust people with my child.
i am very, very, VERY selective on who i leave my son with (there’s only a handful of people i really do trust).. that’s why i take him everywhere. and it’s such a deep rooted fear too. just recently, my mom left my son with her boyfriend and didn’t ask me permission and when i heard about it…i got a really bad anxiety attack and couldn’t breathe and started freaking out.
this paranoia (fear) in me has caused me to make the decision to not want to get married… because i dont know if i’ll ever be comfortable to let anyone that close to me or my son and trust him completely or leave him alone with my son.
it’s something that i know God is fixing and healing in me… and it’s been years since God first brought it to my attention and it’s still very much there. i know one day i will be able to be fully healed with this scar…so i’ve taken the journey to this healing process one step at a time.
so pray for me my friend. that God would continue working in this heart of mine to deliver me from this fear.
i will pray for you patricia. thank you so much for sharing…
My prayers are with you Patricia. I truly believe that God mends even the worst blisters of our lives. It was not your fault that those terrible things happened to you when you were a child, so please Let Go! It is encouraging that you are taking a huge leap of faith and completely trusting in God to deliver you. Keep the faith and I know as Christian that our God will come through for you, he will heal you completely and even give you a lifetime partner, and above all a lifetime of peace.
Just Let Go!
Prayers from Kenya.
thank you for your prayers my friends. i have learned to let go and am continuing to… it’s funny how we think we’re okay in one area…then God brings up a situation that makes all the junk in your trunk resurface huh?
the healing for this trauma has been such a long process (literally takes YEAAARS) and i’m really believing for complete freedom in this area. your prayers are much appreciated. =]
whether it’s being abused, having hurt feelings on the playground, or making choices of sin, fear sets in as a mother. Fear they will get hurt, fear they will hurt themselves…just plain fear.
My best example of this would have to be my own mom…we were just talking about this last night…her life spoke so much about trusting God with me. I left her when i was 12 to be with my dad and it was so hard for her to see me go, but she knew God had a greater purpose. She couldn’t (wouldn’t) let fear or resentment get in the way…
in the face of sin as a prodigal daughter (a few times over) her response was always an outpouring of mercy…even saying “I can’t wait to see when God will do” when I hurt her the most….her strength inspires my own.
If we truly understood the sovereignty of His complete control and protection in our lives (even in tragedy), it would cast off any stray bullets of fear that dared to wound our faith. I am certainly not there, but God has been teaching me through my own mama.
Sarah you already know that we can’t possibly shield our children from the hurts of the world. It’s the hurts that helped to develop who I have become. It’s the hurts that helped me to learn some wisdom that I can now pass on to my two 10 year old girls. Was it enjoyable as I experienced it, of course not. But by God’s grace I lived through it to tell how God brought me through it. Trusting God with our children is the only way for us to truly have a peace of mind, even when we don’t understand why He allows certain things to happen. I often rely on this scripture. “Be careful(anxious) for nothing. But in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” That same passage of scripture has been a guide and comfort for me many days of my married life.
I can so relate to this post. We have 3 daughters and one young son. I have such fear letting them ride their bikes even in our neighborhood, without us. But, this summer we have a 13 1/2 yr. old, who LOVES to ride her bike around our neighborhood with two of her best girlfriends (twins). It is so hard for me, but I do let them, and they have a cell and stay within our neighborhood. All three are homeschooled and very sweet innocent girls, but know the danger that potentially lies in the outside world (unfortunately we had to teach them about such ugly stuff that exists) But, I love what you said about trusting God no matter what. He made them and He will always be with them. I just need to let go now that they are growing and know that He is Lord.
Thanks for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not the only one that struggles with fear.
Hi Sarah
My heart goes out to everyone on this blog and in the whole world that ever experienced any kind of abuse. Like you Sarah, I too trust God with my children. (Daniel 24, Justin 21) I can tell you that the concern for their well being actually intensified for me during this year due to their ages. Dan is away at college (and I can’t control if he’s eating from the 4 food groups or putting fabric softner in his clothes or choosing “bad friends”) and lets just say I hope Justin chooses to never drink alcohol even if his friends are doing it every weekend. But that’s where we have to trust God… and He promises to meet us and calm our fears and protect our kids because they belong to Him first and foremost.
Blessings
Stephanie
I am so thankful for your post Sarah and these comments. I come from a background that was very healthy and sheltered so at times I think I am naive, or I can have a tendency to be. I am praying that God will give us all wisdom with our little boys and girls. They are truly HIS and we must steward these precious gifts.
Thank you dear Sarah, and wonderful women and guys, who share your concerns and your stores of abuse as well. I love how it always comes down to trusting God…and how He trusts us with these precious little ones, and trusts we’ll trust Him as well.
I,like Jason, have a child with autism, so pray with him for God’s special care of these kids who are so easily targets for abuse. So thankful He helps us because we can’t do it on our own! love, deb
Hi Sarah, I’ve read alot of your posts but never have commented. Sometimes its like reading my own story. I have 3 girls and 1 son. I was very fearful when they were little and then again when they became teenagers and were learning to drive. I dont think that I will ever fully get over being worried for them but God has shown me that he walks beside me each and everyday and reminds me that my children are His first and He has loaned them to me for a time and that He cares for them more than I possibly could. With that said, two years ago my second daughter which was 17 at the time was raped by someone she did not know. When my husband and I found out we we’re a mix of many emotions…one of the biggest things we struggled with is “we didnt protect her”. Its probably one of the hardest things we have had to deal with but through it all God showed Himself faithful time and time again. Theres alot more to that story and how God revealed Himself to us through the last two years but it would be to long to write. So I just want to say thank you for your openness and also want to encourage others by saying God is Faithful no matter what we are going through, what we went through and what we will be faced with.
I found your site looking for the Best Casino Reviews online and ended up reading more than I expected. You have a pretty good site here and some great posts. Check out my site if ou are looking for honest casino reviews http://777casinonline.com and thanks for letting me post!