Six and a half years ago I walked away from an extra-marital affair. And if you’ve hung around my blog for any length of time you might have read my whole story. {If you haven’t, you can read it here}.
Six and a half years ago, Chad and I did all that we could to break and re-set our marriage like a broken bone and to attempt to heal from all the pain I’d caused us and all the filth we both had been involved in.
I went to counseling, I dove into the Bible, I submitted myself to the authority of the leadership of our church, I was honest about every last horrible thing I’d done.
But there was one thing I never did.
I never apologized to the wife of the man I’d had the affair with.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t sorry. I was sick with myself about what I’d done.
It wasn’t because I didn’t wake up each morning and regret every minute of the past several years. I did.
And it wasn’t because I didn’t think I needed to. I knew I did; I just didn’t know how or when.
The why of that story really isn’t important. It would take more explaining than I am willing to do in a single blog post. You can certainly judge me for my belated-apology if you wish. But I would hope that you wouldn’t. I would hope that you would have grace.
I wasn’t being disobedient to God. I wasn’t purposefully running from the prospect of contacting her. For a very long time I felt that although I would contact her someday, now wasn’t the time. And I firmly believe it wasn’t the right time until earlier this year.
I woke up one day and realized that I needed to make the apology that had been on the tip of my tongue since 2004.
Once I decided to do it I was scared more than I ever had been. Contacting her opens both of us up to the past and to things perhaps better left there. Contacting her means the probability of not being forgiven, it means all of us reliving it all over again and it means
so
much
vulnerability.
So I mailed a letter a couple weeks ago.
I know it might seem anti-climactic to some. It might even seem shocking to others of you that I haven’t done this before NOW. But, this is ME, right here in the present. And hopefully, being honest about the now and the here rather than only about the was and did is a good thing.
{To view video click here}
Fear: I’m getting over a lot of it one step at a time. And this was the first big leap.
Have you done anything lately that scared you?
Very brave. Thank you for letting us walk this journey with you. I’m realizing that fear comes in so many different forms. I was in awe as you dropped the letter into the mailbox. Very inspiring.
right now, waking up and functioning is scary and a difficult task for me but i know the Lord is good and He is faithful and He is bigger. . .
. . .i can’t imagine how difficult putting that envelope in the mail must have been sarah and i also can’t imagine how much weight it probably felt like was lifted off your shoulders. i am praying for this woman as she receives this letter. so proud of you for taking such a huge step!! i know the Lord will bless it!!
I am so proud of you for stepping out and sending that letter even though it was difficult. You not only sent the letter but you made sure to let Chad read it and talked to your friend so this did really make you think through this.
You did a great job and I hope doing this took you to the next level in dealing with fear!! Great job!
Blessings!
-Gina
sarah,
you are very brave. your part was being obedient -to god, to yourself, for your family- to do what was right (for god, for yourself, for your family…) what happens next is between she and the lord and her husband. that is, you are not responsible for her reaction/response. even though it wasn’t as dramatic as you thought it might be, i hope that you experienced a lilt in your step as you walked away from the blue mailbox.
xo
p.s. (why always a p.s…) the lord started challenging me on fear a few years ago – i watched the first part to your first video at work earlier today…SO me. how many decisions i have made…and continue to make…because i don’t trust god enough. because i’m just…afraid. i try to choose the “unafraid” thing when i realize that’s the choice in front of me, and have really experienced *some* freedom with each of those steps…but still. i have so far to go. thank you for putting your own challenge out there so that it could help begin (or continue) a path of freedom for others. sometimes, just knowing that i’m not the only one (in anything) gives me a little more confidence in taking whatever steps are necessary toward my own freedom. so, thanks. xo
I had to wait until I could have uninterrupted time to read and digest. Sarah I’ve been on both ends. I’ve been the other woman at the age of 18, and since I’ve been married I was the wife who was cheated on. That’s where my book comes in. Anyway, I have gone over the same thing in my head as to whether or not I should apologize to the wife. I’m 44 years old and the affair ended 25 years ago. I always wondered if she really knew that it was me that he was having the affair with. Year before last, she ended up working at the same school as I was. I wrestled with the question everyday I saw her. If she didn’t know it was me, I don’t think it would be a good idea to apologize and open the wound. I still don’t know… In the case of being cheated on, I have had the opportunity to see the other woman in a public place. I went up to her and told her that my husband had told me what was going on between them. Oh I knew all along, but I never saw her in the street until he decided to cut ties. So I could have turned and kept going without her knowing I was in there. But I went back in and said to her these words, “I know what you and my husband have been doing. He told me. But you know what? I forgive you”. Then I just turned and walked away. I knew for sure that I really had forgiven her.
You go girl! Your posts are always so lovely & encouraging. I loved your honesty about your feelings– here you are mailing such an important letter, and half the fear is just that people at the cafe will think you’re weird for video-ing yourself. That just reminded me of myself so much. Why do I care so much what people– even strangers I’ll never see again– think of me? What a reminder for me to find my confidence & worth in God alone.
It’s been 10 years since my affair. Imagine my grief to learn how many woman would find an apology written by an offender like me HEALING. I wrote one right away. Sarah, thank you for helping me see what I had been missing all this time!!
I’m a little late viewing your video – having sound issues on my computer – but I want to thank you for sharing it. While I know you’re not doing this for the ‘pats on the back’, you took a very scary step and showed courage.
Like Coli said in her comment, I would find it a bit healing if the woman (either one actually, as there were two) involved with my husband were to write me an apology letter. One of them was much more involved than the other. The last thing I know about the situation is that she was making things work with her husband, as he had forgiven her. However, she has never contacted me – I wish she would. But that’s ultimately between her and God’ it’s not up to me.
way to take another step forward!! you go girl! thanks for sharing this with us! its inspiring for all of us to take a step in our lives to face fears that we have!
wow. love you
I had brain surgery this past week.
p.s. Good for you! Great step.
Love you.
As I am working on my memoir, I realized that I might not be able to publish it for something similar to what you wrote about. What do we share and when do we stay silent can be a tricky place to be. I was the other woman once, too. It was before I became a Christian, and I call that time my life the “Jerry Springer Days” But this man now has children and though I am not uncomfortable about sharing how I was, I am for them and for his ex-wife. I am not sure what she knows and doesn’t know. And even though all this happened over twenty years ago, I am perplexed about how to share all this. I am in contact with his ex-wife and some of his kids, but mostly at Christmas. I have struggled with even talking to her at all, but only because I don’t want to rewound her or open a wound that where she is trying to heal. The sad fact about sin is how it can bring shame to many innocent people.
But I am so glad to read your story today, it gives me hope to know that I am not the only one out there trying to find her way to wholeness. Thanks for your honesty and openness.
Sarah -
Wow! That took TONS of courage. I know – I’ve been through it. I’ve been the “other woman.” I actually went to her house and met with her at her request. Talk about FEAR! The meeting with her actually went OK, and I came out of her house feeling like a burden was lifted from me. But I have to say that I don’t feel totally forgiven by her… I do think it will happen one day.
I want to walk with abandonment, again. Courage for me is getting up and showing up to my husband in the morning. I have chronic pain from a bad foot surgery and am unable to walk but around the house. I was an athlete and hiked and bikes and walked with my dear husband and dog every day until 2 1/2 years ago. Courage is living and keeping hope that it will get better.