Six and a half years ago I walked away from an extra-marital affair. And if you’ve hung around my blog for any length of time you might have read my whole story. {If you haven’t, you can read it here}.
Six and a half years ago, Chad and I did all that we could to break and re-set our marriage like a broken bone and to attempt to heal from all the pain I’d caused us and all the filth we both had been involved in.
I went to counseling, I dove into the Bible, I submitted myself to the authority of the leadership of our church, I was honest about every last horrible thing I’d done.
But there was one thing I never did.
I never apologized to the wife of the man I’d had the affair with.
It wasn’t because I wasn’t sorry. I was sick with myself about what I’d done.
It wasn’t because I didn’t wake up each morning and regret every minute of the past several years. I did.
And it wasn’t because I didn’t think I needed to. I knew I did; I just didn’t know how or when.
The why of that story really isn’t important. It would take more explaining than I am willing to do in a single blog post. You can certainly judge me for my belated-apology if you wish. But I would hope that you wouldn’t. I would hope that you would have grace.
I wasn’t being disobedient to God. I wasn’t purposefully running from the prospect of contacting her. For a very long time I felt that although I would contact her someday, now wasn’t the time. And I firmly believe it wasn’t the right time until earlier this year.
I woke up one day and realized that I needed to make the apology that had been on the tip of my tongue since 2004.
Once I decided to do it I was scared more than I ever had been. Contacting her opens both of us up to the past and to things perhaps better left there. Contacting her means the probability of not being forgiven, it means all of us reliving it all over again and it means
so
much
vulnerability.
So I mailed a letter a couple weeks ago.
I know it might seem anti-climactic to some. It might even seem shocking to others of you that I haven’t done this before NOW. But, this is ME, right here in the present. And hopefully, being honest about the now and the here rather than only about the was and did is a good thing.
{To view video click here}
Fear: I’m getting over a lot of it one step at a time. And this was the first big leap.
Have you done anything lately that scared you?
Over controlling fam. members scare me because NO ONE will speak up to them; I finally had all I could take of my younger Sister speaking out so boldly about my hubby and I and announcing that she knows exactly what our two kids are. And what she said was nothing but a lie…so I felt a noblest best comment would be “You haven’t seen our kids for over twenty years or even talked to them.” And she was so overtaken, she actually said “Carol’s right…I’m just jealous she has such a loving way she and her family are.” Much applause to you for sending that letter. It just takes like I did comfy in your own skin!!! No controlling me from Sister, I promise!!!
Maybe its just me…but I couldn’t upload the video, it would go past a few seconds. Anyways, I’ll keep trying.
This is so cool that you are sharing this with us! What a big step for you:) God is with you all the way!
try now. i’m pretty sure it’s working. =)
I like you, Sarah. You’re so cute on your video! I know that’s completely beside the point, but I wanted to say it anyway. It’s like meeting you!
Thanks for sharing this part of your story here. For letting us in, letting us care and pray.
thanks Kelly!! =)
Wow! I never thought of the other woman… Your right, I could have never done that… ever.
Im going through something really scary right now which I can not share, but I am praying every day for blessing and grace. God will show me the right direction to take.
Thank you for sharing this with us Sarah!
~Sarah~
Thank you for sharing this with us. You are incredibly brave. I admire both you and Chad for the strength and devotion you have shown in keeping your marriage together. I hope the letter gets recieved in the grace it was sent.
Xxxx
Amen to that!
Sarah….what scares me right now is that right now i am preparing my heart to leave my cheating husband…it has been almost 2 years since i found out that he was having an affair with my BEST friend (and sister in law) AND another woman. What is the hardest part of being the wife of a cheater IS the apology factor. One of the women apologized right of the bat…i called her…confronted her with TWO weeks of proof that it was happening and she immediately apologized and said that she was so very sorry and ashamed. The other (my best friend & SIL) has denied it and said that it never happened…with proof and everything she has still to this very day denied denied denied. I guess that it why it is so hard for me to forgive and move on. He admits, proof is available and yet SHE will not apologized. She is who i confided in about my husband. I am scared that leaving him is not the answer…..i am scared to forgive her without her apologizing or even admitting. I pray.
thank you for sharing your story & life.
Hi Julie, I’d love to talk with you about all you’re facing and contemplating. I’ve been in very similar shoes, and God has delivered me…and my marriage! If you’d like to talk, please email me at victoria@letthesonshine.org.
julie, i’m so sorry that this is happening in your life right now. I will be praying for you tonight, for wisdom and for peace.
You did great mailing that letter. Know that God’s hand is in this and great things can come from it. You wrote the letter, now let Him carry the words to her heart. I have a friend who shouldn’t be my friend at all for the way our relationship started out but we become great friends, the best kind, the kind that’s honest and open and thoughtful because we’re bond together by God’s grace. Expect great things from releasing your fear and following God’s plan to let healing begin.
Sarah, this is AWESOME that you are sharing this with us. I found much healing and growth when I sent letters to others I had hurt in my past. I will say a prayer right now for healing to happen in your life and this lady’s life.
Thanks for your transparency!
Way to go, girl! We are all so proud of you. Thanks for letting us watch your journey. I am praying for that woman today and that she has received your letter understanding the vulnerability and integrity behind it.
As the “offended wife” in an infidelity situation, your step also does my heart good to know that maybe, just maybe, these women have considered my broken heart at some point and will consider apologizing one day. If not, I know God still holds my heart and is so, so sorry for my pain.
Keep knocking down these walls of fear, Sarah! You’re encouraging the rest of us to do the same.
thank you Nikki. your words mean more to me than you know.
Oh my goodness. You said that wasn’t as disconcerting as you expected, but when you dropped the letter, my eyes welled up! I have not been in the situation you are in, but I have two [formerly] very close friends who no longer speak to me. And I’ve sent them e-mails to apologize. There’s just something about hitting send (or dropping a letter) that is so final. And scary. And so literally out of my hands and in God’s.
Anyway. Good for you. Your bravery continues to blow me away!
Thank you Sarah! You have no idea what you have done for me today. Your courage inspires on levels I can’t even begin to express. Thank you for feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
wow, thank you Makeda.
i have so very much respect for you. thanks for your authenticity. I think what you did in sending that letter, will help her much through her own insecurity issues…i know it would have it were me.
So brave! And you looked cute while facing a fear. I recently did a similar thing..except in the form of an e-mail, sending out a heart-exposed e-mail with the potential for rejection. Still working through the fear with God and still moving forward!
As the wife of a guy whose affairs were with those closest to me and without apologies from nearly every last one of them, or even truth, I am so proud of you! There’s a horrible stumbling block in not being given that sort of closure…if you can call it that. I have felt totally invisible and forgettable to these ladies, and that carries over into other areas even today. You’ve done your part to set her free of that, or if she’s just learning of the affair, you’re setting her and her husband free to start mending. That’s all you can do aside from praying for their healing. Praying God’s blessings in this all!
i hope so, victoria. thank you for this comment.
Sarah, I truly believe this was the Holy Spirit working in you…well done for your obedience and your courage and may God bless you for your action.
When my husband admitted to the adultery, I contacted the other woman (divorcee) who also lied to try and protect my husband, she then said she would back off. She didn’t but actually took things further with him and I guess took this as challenge. What is painful is that by this action she knew exactly what she was doing her actions were of intentional harm to hurt my husband and destroy our marriage.
My husband fell further and further into sin and subsequently left our marital home – his choice under the guidance and the influence of the divorced woman who fed him lies and what she thought he needed to hear…eventually my husband broke it off with her and realized she was a lonely woman and saw through the manipulation. May I be so bold as to ask for prayers for restoration of our marriage?
Sarah, despite all – if I received a sincere apology from this other woman admitting to her wrong and sinful actions I would rejoice and thank God for her coming to full repentance. Thank you for your blog today it has really shown me your authenticity and your courage is comforting.
JC,
I will pray for you and your marriage. God wants your marriage to succeed and flourish.
I have not been in your exact situation but my marriage has gone through some very dark times. At one point my husband left, did not talk to me for 2 months, and then finally called only to say he decided he wanted a divorce. That was a hard time for me but my pastor reminded me that it is never God’s will for a marriage to end. He designed it to be forever. So I prayed and prayed, and prayed knowing that God was on “my side”…and today, I am happy to say we have a happy and strong marriage. He has restored it above and beyond what I thought was possible.
I will be praying for you. <3
of course, jc. i will be praying for you. thank you for being so bold and sharing your story here in the comments. thank you.
Thank you both Nicole & Sarah – I am very appreciative of your kind, encouraging words and your prayers, God bless.
oh sarah.
the letter.
i mailed one, too. i understand the fear all too well.
i’m proud of you. great job, friend.
my ex-louse is married to the “other woman” – so for me… I figure that is enough “repayment” since she has to deal with him for the rest of her life.
Tee hee… is that mean of me?
Sarah – seriously – this took a lot of courage and it is beautiful… even if she never responds… you have given her a gift.
Proud of you. You are brave. Very brave.
Love you
love you too, friend.
Dear Sarah,
I am one of the silent readers of your blog and have been so tempted to write before, but didn’t. But today’s post has got me!!!!! My husband has had two affairs and we are smack dab in the middle of trying to recover from the second one – it’s hard! I have wanted to write a letter to both of these women, but am too afraid. I want them to know I don’t hate them, that I forgive them but I wonder if they want to be forgiven, if they hate me. And I wonder if it is somehow twisted/weird to even want to write to them! What Victoria said above about closure and feeling invisible to them resonates in me I just hadn’t put words to it until she did. You are so brave, and your talking about all this helps me so much! It is so easy to make the “other woman” a horrible monstrous thing, reading your blog gives me perspective and a new way of seeing them. Well now that I have started commenting it is hard to stop! Thank you for your honesty and for showing me your struggle with fear you are helping me!!!!!
cara,
while i don’t know these ‘other women’ in your life, i was the other woman in my story and i can tell you that his wife is not invisible to me. she is contstantly with me. i wake up with her on my mind and often lay down at night wondering if she’s ok.
it’s difficult to make invisible someone who has been so deeply hurt by my actions. impossible, really.
i wonder if somehow, she’s found peace through all of this.
though the closure may never come on this earth, i have to know that with Him it’s possible. it is possible.
so, if it matters, i don’t find it weird or twisted to want to write them. i have some of the same thoughts, though from the ‘other woman’s’ perspective.
Dear Nikkie,
thank you so much for your reply to me, your words help so much. It is a struggling day for me – what a gift your words are to me!!!
Cara
Hi Cara, I saw your comment and wanted to take a moment to tell you, IT CAN ALL BE HEALED. I am not going to be an idiot and say it will be, but I know that it CAN be. I know the hurt in your gut right now, it sucks, but it does get better.
We are praying for you guys and believing God to do something amazing.
Chad
thank you so much for commenting, cara. it means so much. and thank YOU for giving ME perspective.
i’m constantly afraid she hates me. maybe there is hope?
I am so proud of you.
Wow! When the mailbox door closed on your letter I felt my heart start beating a little faster. We’ve all been in those situations where we laid ourselves out there, exposed and vulnerable, and could only wait to see how the other person will respond. I wrote a letter of apology to a close friend once and didn’t receive back any response. I’m praying that your situation was (is) different. I’m praying for healing through your brave step in both your life and the life of that woman. That took guts, Sarah, and it is inspiring to see you step out in obedience to God. Thanks for sharing it with us.
thank you so much melissa.
Oh, Sarah, your post gave me chills. I have found your blog not too long ago and been reading through the whole thing. I was going through emotional whirlwind, reading your story, trying to understand “the other woman’s” point of view (forgive me for using this word).
Yesterday, while reading the final part of your story and all the comments, I was screaming in my mind, ‘What about Her? It seems like you were friends. Did you ever cared enough for her to apologize and make things right between you?’
I had a woman in my life who came to steal(my husband), kill(my unborn baby) and destroy(my marriage). She befriended me and my kids. So when everything became uncovered, I mourned not only the betrayal of my husband, but also betrayal of my friend…
By the Grace of God, our old marriage, built on selfishness and secrets was destroyed and we were able to build a new one, based on the Rock. We both have been transformed and changed forever by the Holy Spirit.
I have forgiven him. I’m having a hard time forgiving her, because I know for sure she is not repentant, because for her it was a “spicy adventure”, something to remind her that she had lived a full life.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. For reminding that nothing is impossible with God.
nothing is impossible. thank you for reminding me of that too.
and i’m so so glad that your marriage has been rebuilt. amazing. beautiful. grace.
Yay… SO proud of you, Sarah.
Keep knocking those fears out of the ballpark. Whoa-hoo! Cheering for you!
Good for you, Sarah! I’ SO proud of you!!!!
you are so brave.
i am SOOO proud of you.
i teared up and your video… your inspiring my friend.
love you and miss you!
Sarah!! The minute I read what you did, *MY* palms started to sweat. I immediately thought of the scripture in Timothy…we have been given not a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and sound mind…
I find myself not always facing fears because I focus so much
on the fear rather than the One who can give me the boldness and love to conquer it.
I’m also thinking of my husband today, who confronted and met with the one I had an affair with…It has been exactly a year. While he was angry, he had a boldness and strength to somehow share the Lord with Him. I am only realizing now how it was the Holy Spirit all along who truly brought my husband through that time….
Your example is promting me to seek the Lord first in situtions of fear and let Him empower me through His Spirit of boldness…
wow melissa. thank you for sharing that.
yes, be bold with the power of the holy spirit. only behind him can i be bold, i think.
Thank you so much for not only sharing this part of you with us but also for letting us be a part of that “moment” of you dropping the letter. That was amazing.
You are such a leader by example.
I love you. You are brave. You are caught up in Jesus. And that is beautiful.
courage…doin it afraid.
i love you.
true dat. =)
There’s no timeline on bravery. Not that you’ve been running away, but there are plenty of stories of God using those who fled doing the right thing. Not knowing the circumstance you were writing the letter into (her life circumstance, not the one the letter addresses) it could be she wasn’t ready for it before now. But in any case, God is sovereign, and perfect.
oh my gosh, i LOVE that. There is no timeline on bravery.
perfectly spoken, friend.
Hi Sarah. I gain such strength from your writing and I wanted to say, “thank you”. I know exactly where you are coming from except for the fact that I don’t think the wife of the man I slept with has any idea of what happened. We just quietly broke it off and it was before I was married. I told my husband years ago but I don’t believe the man I had an affair with ever told his wife. Also, we live in a small town and he has 3 children and we have 4. I just don’t believe that any good would come of me saying anything although I truly am so sorry. I think it would only make matters worse. If he were to tell her then I believe I should make sure she knows how truly sorry I am for her pain but as it is, it was over 15 years ago and we have all moved on. Anyway, just wanted to get that out for some reason. Thanks for listening and for sharing your heart.
~Love, Julia
i’m glad you “got that out” julia. =) thank you so much for commenting.
Sarah,
….
I *knew* your story loosely but had never read it. Until today. {hugs}
You remind me that God doesn’t make the least bit of sense to those who don’t belong to him. I’m glad you’re in my sphere (even if from a distance) and hope we have opportunity to be together again. I won’t let it be wasted opportunity.
xo,
~ Robin
i’m glad you are in my sphere too. =)
I’m so proud of you. Proud of you for doing what was right, when it was right. If you would have done it because you were “supposed to” it wouldn’t have been right for either one of you. You had to do it when you knew you should. No judgement here. Just happy for you and your heart that you took your brave step.
thanks, gitz.
big sigh tonight…
There are so many levels of why that would be scary to send. It does bring up a lot for every party involved. You are choosing the hard, that is honorable. I hope the letter provides closure for all involved, even if you don’t hear anything back. I know it’s a small thing, but i like that chad read the letter. I hope there is peace for both of you in sending it. praying over the fear for you both.
sarah,
wow what a ride you both have had. i know that it can’t be easy to journal this part of your life for the world to see. i really admire your courage, integrity, love, and heart. i wish that, when my husband joined an online cult in Jan 07, that i had begun blogging that journey.
when he told me about his involvement with this group, my world came crashing down hard and all the pieces scattered and some were lost forever. i felt betrayed, hurt, anger, rage, cheated on, disappointment, etc. i couldn’t express myself well. i felt numb/paralyzed & like my voice was taken from me but i was screaming for help and no one could hear me. i didn’t have it in me to write much less get out of bed each day. how do you begin the story of your life when this is so all consuming.
anyway, i found you @ elizabeth ester’s blog. i find comfort over there as well as your blog. i wanna give back like y’all do but how when this part of my life is so icky? thnx for sharing all your life with us.
like the others before me… Thank you for sharing this moment with us. Thank you for showing us your willingness to conquer fear. Thank you mostly for being a God honoring girlfriend to so many of us. Your doing a great thing…
Sarah,
My respect for you is off the charts. Thank you for sharing. My story is similar. Restoration is coming. My prayers go to you and her.
thank you.
Good for you Sarah. Recently I heard a quote ” If you are going to do great things, you need to keep pressing on even when others predict your failure.”
So many times I’m am ready to give up when I get a negative word spoken about something I’ve done/ or do.
I realized that in 1 Timothy it talks about letting no man despise my youth. Yes, I may be 30… but I am still youthful. I still have a long way to grow in life (spiritually, and emotionally).
God know the plans that HE HAS FOR ME… I need to press on, with what HE has called me to do… and that is TEACH women. My biggest fear.
Love you! Good for you to mail that!
WOOHOO!!! Way to go, Sarah!
I am SO ridiculously proud of you right now! Most in your situation would’ve either never given this a thought, or never mailed it at all.
You.did.both.
That speaks volumes to who you are. Don’t ever let that situation define your true character. The time frame? Really, it doesn’t matter, because the fact is that you did it. I wish I could give you such a big hug. Why am I so happy? I had been cheated on in the past, and if I opened the mailbox and had received a letter such as yours, I am almost certain that it would’ve made the healing process a little easier. You have no idea what that letter will do for her.
The scary thing I’ve done lately is put up a post on my blog about my struggle in the past with depression and a suicide attempt. It is very scary to just put your life out there for anyone to read, or judge. But, I felt like God was telling me it needed to be done, because it may help someone in a similar situation. You were right, the safe choice is not always the most wise, and it is often times the risky ones that really make a difference.
Well done sweetie! Here’s to overcoming fears!
i just… i…
i don’t know.
i just want to hug you. right now.
Sarah,
I’m sending you a huge hug! You have taught us all so much
through your VERY brave action. God Bless and continue to
guide you with his wisdom and strengh. You are such a blessing to all of us. Keep the faith! You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Donna
So beautiful to see God’s work in your life and heart~
Praying that the wife is able to receive your words and accept them as the healing balm of God they are meant to be~
You are a brave and wonderfully open woman Sarah!! Every time I go to my mailbox I hope I get a letter of apology from the woman who my husband had an affair with. I don’t know why it matters to me but I think just that she would acknowledge the hurt and pain she caused me would give me some closure. But it all is still too fresh with me. I admire you and your honesty, I really do!!
thank you joan. your words mean more than you’ll know. thank you.
i’m embarking on something that is causing me to push past a current of fear… this post was such an encouragement to continue the path.
thank you for being honest in the “present”
JuliaKate
I just want you to know how very proud of you I am. I know this has been part of our ongoing conversation in the past 6-8 months. I’m very, very happy you finally DID it! YAY! And here’s hoping and praying that it’s being received well on her end. Thank you for sharing, as always.
xo
EE
oh yeah! you’re right. we HAVE been talking about this. thanks for help in pushing me to do this. you did, you know?
I so admire your courage. My heart skipped a beat when the box squeaked shut. I pray that I learn to live in the face of fear like that. You’re kiinda like my “shero” right now. God bless you
{laughing out loud in starbucks right now at the “shero” reference}
I am proud of you.
I am proud because you don’t chose the easy way. You could have let this lie and never said anything to her and life would have been just fine. But you made the choice to send a letter that could potentially crack open wide a long since healed wound.
I respect you because you didn’t take the easy way and sweep it under the rug. This is why I love you.
Wow Sarah…I admire you for apologizing to the wife in the form of a letter. God sees your heart and will bless you for reaching out to this precious woman in Christian love. Gods sweetest blessings to you,Chad,and your children.
Huge response to you, Sarah! I love seeing that and how many people you are helping and touching with Him. And . . .I’m crying. Thank you for sending that letter . . .for helping us to send our own letters, whatever they may be. Okay, I need to get a tissue . .. love, deb