My eight-year-old has been obsessed with horses from the time that she could pronounce the word “horse” at the age of two. By the time she was four she could easily saddle a Breyer horse and by the time she was six she could saddle a real pony.
And like any normal horse-swayed young girl she even loves to do the grooming and brushing that keeps a horse clean. Except picking the hooves. She hates it. The hooves are cumbersome, the horse sometimes does not cooperate and for her, hoof-picking is like the toilet-scrubbing of the grooming regimen.
“The hoof is so HEAVY,” she complains. “Lilly doesn’t want to let me do it!”
She grunts and whines and asks me to help. Her riding instructor and I shrug. “You can do this yourself”, I say to her.
“But I just CAN’T!” as she slides her hand down the length of Lilly’s leg. Lilly leans slightly and stands gently on that foot, ready to give her hoof up to be cleaned. Hope groans and holds it with one hand as she scrapes with the other. It’s heavy and I can see the her little bicep strain at the weight.
She has to do that to all four muddy, caked, manured horse feet. She stands up and looks at the other three and sighs. She moves to the back leg and begins again.
But it’s part of the job. It’s part of the joy.
“I can never do that,” she says again the next week. I just laugh because she’s done it before. She knows she can.
I’m learning that as soon as I say “I could never do that!” God seems to put that very thing right in my path.
I could never
write a book
overcome food addiction
go to the places in my heart that are scary to go, and to go there with others.
And I’m not a pro at any of those. My book is half done {and has been half done for several months}. My battle with food and weight will always be a burden. And I still struggle with telling my marriage story sometimes. I wonder how many women sitting out there have been the victims of adultery and how many of them will hate me for what I’ve done. That always crosses my mind.
I’m learning to look at the things I’ve said I’ll never do and calculate the cost. Is it more expensive to live in fear or is it more expensive to take a risk?
I’m not quite sure that I’ve gotten any better at living my story necessarily, but I’m pretty sure I’m getting better at tackling those things that I claimed I would never be able to do. And the pay off for that, I’m learning, is priceless.
And Hope? She picks up the hoof pick week after week and still wonders why I don’t help. It’s good for her to struggle with something, I think. It makes her strong, makes her ready, makes her fearless. And it makes the ride worth the cost.
And after you’ve done the work, only then do you get to ride the horse.
And its the ride that makes it worth it.
Are there things you’ve said that you’ll never do?
.
I thought and pondered on this… nd realised I can only answer “only the negatives” All the things I said I’d never do, I pretty well have. All the things I long IN MY HEART to do… I’ve never really spoke of, so I can’t say one way or the other.
I will never tell my story… it’s the same as yours… It’s hidden deep in me. In one of those very dark places of my heart.
It would crush those around me and I can’t bear to do that. So it stays within me and only me. I just know I coulld never tell it.
~Sarah~
hey sarah,
clearly, i don’t know all that you’ve been through or have put others through, but it breaks my heart that you think you have to just live with the guilt and pain because you somehow deserve that. you don’t.
in recovery, the fourth step is to make a “searching and fearless moral inventory”, which is basically a couple of lists of all the things that you have done or have been done unto you – but to own your part in those things.
like you, i thought i had to live with my secrets. i thought, “as long as i’m the only one who knows, i never have to tell and i can pretend like those things never happened.”
the fifth step -the step i thought would suck the most- is confessing that list (word for word, not editing ANYTHING AT ALL) “before god and another person”.
i did my fifth step with my counselor, who obviously knew i had left some stuff out in my sessions with her but what could she do? she didn’t want to lose me all toghether until i came to my own understanding of my addiction (first step). it took 3 1/2 hours. THREE AND A HALF HOURS. in the end, we prayed and when i opened my eyes, the light in the room shifted and the weight (of the world) i didn’t realize i had been shouldering for so long had lifted. this was…three?…years ago now and, for the most part, i don’t even remember the things on that list anymore. i’m sure i could if i tried but the point is…i’m free. free from that crap that bogged me down, that i thought i had to live with.
again, i have NO IDEA what you’ve been through and i really hope i haven’t overstepped. but i just want to encourage you, sarah, that while you certainly don’t have to expose yourself for the fodder of others, the lord wants you to be free from your wrongs. in light of his grace, they are never as big as we think they are.
xo
Thank you for this. I know that I can’t hide things forever. My hubby knows and God knows. I just know I could never share with anyone else.
The raw words that Sarah puts on here are ones that I know will never cross my lips. I admire Sarah for her honestly. It lets me know that I will never be alone in this walk.
Thank you again for your encouraging words!
~Sarah~
Thank you Mary Kathryn! You are right – 19 years ago I went through “those steps”. I still feel that some things have to be kept a secret after all of these years. I have to remind myself that I am a different person today and people love me. When I do share an old secret with someone, it still amazes me how they are quick to point out I am not the same person.
Sarah – My biggest fear is making a new friend. Afraid they will find out about my secret and be repulsed. Because, yes, I have done those things I said I would never do.
Sarah, I enjoy your blog so much. Almost every post touches me, consoles, encourages, reminds me of how awesome our God is. Your story teaches me about grace, and second chances, and forgiveness. It teaches me to see a person behind the label.
I can speak only for myself here, but to answer your question (the one that crossed your mind) – no, I don’t hate you. I am very grateful. You have been an answer to my prayers, helping me to heal, teaching me to forgive that girl, to have compassion, to understand.
Even though I would love to receive THAT letter, I know that I can let go now and forgive.
You are a blessing to many people. Thank you so much, Sarah.
There are so many high spots in all of our lives….the lows come and go, but I’m sure if we kept a chart, the highs would win and most of them have come about through all the encouragements we get from someone else. I am so moved by your blogs. They are such a touch of beauty, especially to me when you compare some of the things your lovely, lovely kids do and it’s all interwined and then, hooray, the miracle question at the end. Purely gives me chills. Thank you so much, Sarah. Have a delightful day!
For alot of reasons that I thought I could bury and never acknowledge (hhmmm…how’s that workin for me?…not), I have never been a risk taker; my life was full of “safety”…not really ever saying “I could/would” never do that”. So pretty much out of a fortress of self protection (or self destruction…however you want to look at it), the only thing I ever said I could “never” do would be to forgive my husband if he cheated on me…
But as you said, “I’m learning that as soon as I say “I could never do that!” God seems to put that very thing right in my path.”
With God’s grace and mercy, I have found that I can forgive him, every single day, even though he (nor she) has yet to choose the path that you did. I don’t hate you, Sarah, I thank you. You have shown me that there is hope and redemption, and second chances. You have shown me that all things are possible through Christ. And you have shown me that regardless of the mistakes we make, however horrible they are (or we believe them to be), our God is a god of forgiveness and unconditional love. Thank you for not taking the “easy” road. Thank you for putting yourself out there, every day. Thank you for taking the risk, and doing things you said you would never do.
Thank you, Sarah, for taking us places with you, so we don’t have to go alone. Usually when I say I’ll never do something, it’s a huge red flag to me. It’s always what He wants me to do. Never say never, huh? ha! But, God has such a way about it, of lovingly showing me why I need to, that you’re right, it’s always worth it. love, deb
“I wonder how many women sitting out there have been the victims of adultery and how many of them will hate me for what I’ve done. That always crosses my mind.”
We don’t hate you. Not for a second. And, even better, we just love you. You give us hope. Thank you.
Girl – For every woman that has dealt with adultry and may not be thrilled with you for the moment – there are people like me who hear your story and start praying hedges around their marriage, and make immediate changes because they KNOW that your story could be their own if they continued down the same path. Pain and destruction averted because you were willing to share and maybe not “please” a few people.
Thank you for your honesty, your willingness to be practically naked to the world with your big old heart, and for just being you Miss Sarah! Love you – Deb
I feel like I grapple with this question most every day of my life – will I live in fear or take risks? I’m a person who struggles with anxiety, even when all logic tells me I have nothing to fear. Recently, though, my worst possible scenario came true. It has been awful. But I’ve survived. I always thought of myself as weak before, but now I know I’m not. I’d still prefer that the situation turned out differently, but the fact that my courage has grown through this experience is definitely of some comfort to me.
Thanks for speaking honestly & deeply on this blog. It is helpful to me. Oh, this question ‘is it more expensive to take risk or to live in fear?’ Is a great question. And I needed to hear it TODAY! Helps to calculate the cost of cowering in fear. When thinking of things I regret, most are the things I didn’t do…and now I realize fear is why I didn’t do them. I don’t want to live in fear!!
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I Jn 4:18 Drive out my fears, Lord and make me perfect in love.
I don’t mean to sound harsh at all–I love your blog. But do you ever think maybe you have so many problems overcoming your fears because you don’t let anything go? Didn’t you cheat on your husband six years ago? I think it’s probably time to stop mentioning it in every blog post. If you don’t, how will you ever move on? I really don’t mean this to be mean, I mean it as a serious concern.
My relationship has seen adultery, and we are stronger than ever now. But that only happened because we dealt with, learned from it and MOVED on. I don’t talk about it every day. You know?
First of all Lauren, thank you for commenting. I appreciate honest questions and discussion even if they are harsh.
However, what is interesting is that this is a blog. And on this blog we talk about marriage, adultery and other issues like that PURPOSEFULLY I don’t talk about my adultery with my friends over coffee unless I’m asked. I don’t stop the lady in the supermarket and tell her everything and if you were to have dinner with my husband and I someday, I promise that it wouldn’t come up.
It’s just something we discuss here on the blog. In fact, I wrote a blog post daily for over two years before I breathed a word about this. And I did it on purpose.
As for “getting over it”, I have. My friends would say the same if any of them respond to this comment. And if my husband sees the comment, he’ll attest to my getting over it too.
But here’s the thing, Lauren. If my processing the fear in my life (which is a result of childhood stuff) can help others get over their own, then I’m happy to write about it. Show me one person who is completely fearLESS and I’ll interview them for my blog. I’d be amazed to find a psychologically healthy individual who does not have at least some bouts of fear.
You don’t sound mean. You just sound like you don’t know my heart.
Sarah, thank you so much again for this. I love reading your posts everyday. You are such an encouragment, thank you for not holding back! Love you!
Hi Lauren, I figured your statement is a good one for me to chime in on.
I agree with you, dwelling is never good. It gets you stuck in a place and it makes moving on with life very difficult. However, you need to be careful not to confuse dwelling with rembering an event. Sarah and I have been very intentional about moving forward in our marriage and life on this side of our mutual moral failures. But we are as intentional about keeping a clear sight on what we have been through. It we don’t keep fresh what we have been through we suffer the risk of repeating our past.
Another reason the affair and our previous life is a constant topic on this blog is because a community of people has grown around this story. Not because we are anything special but because we made it through the crisis and are still intact! This has attracted people trying to avoid the same pitfalls, others that are in the throws of failure, some trying to put the pieces of their lives and marriages back together and those that observe and lend support.
We are a community of fallen people that serve a Great God. We don’t dwell, we remember.
I just wanted to chime in too here, with Sarah and Chad. There was something you said, Chad, at the end. That was beautiful. And meaningful. We don’t dwell, we remember. I’m reading in Exodus and thinking about when that generation died and the next didn’t remember all that God had done, so they turned away. . .We always, always need to remember what He has done. Thank you for helping us with that!
love in Jesus, deb
Hey Sarah –
I’m a Horseback riding instructor, and I love to see when my kids conquer something they thought they’d never be able to do… like pick hooves on their own! Such a great insight.
For me, this is the summer of believing that God has given me something to say, and not caving to fear but writing even when I wonder how it will pay the bills or what will come of it. Thanks for the encouragement.
cleaning the hooves of my heart now.
thanks for writing this. =]
I don’t hate you at all, nor do I hate my husband(not implying anything at all with you two together- promise). Just sin & the insecutirties it can bring.
Sarah. I just wanted to say that your story leaves me in awe every time I read it. I have never been a victim or cheated but that doesn’t matter…what I admire is number one your COURAGE to tell the story….that I am not sure I would have… and number two… your GRACE and Blessings in the aftermath… Just a reminder…that you shouldn’t fear…and I don’t hate you….ever….
Dear Sarah and Chad I am Daniela writing from northern Italy.I really want to thank you for the help you gave me in those last days when I discovered that my boyfriend had cheated on me..it was an horrible situation and feeling, but I’ m trying to focus on the grace side of him and we are trying to heal our relationship (we have been together for 4 yers).Your story really helped me to forgive him and what he has done..it will be a long journey to reconnet after this but I’m hopefull reading your story.Thank you so much for your example.I linked to your blog writing this post yesterday evening after having spoked with my boyfriedn about our sad situation and decided to go on and err on the grace side with him!
http://ilcoltellodibanjas.blogspot.com/2010/07/err-on-grace-side.html
Hugs Daniela
This post was so timely to what I am going through right now.
I decided to take a risk and give up my blog. It has proved to be one of the most difficult things I have had to do, but I know that the Lord will teach me through it. Guide me and reveal himself.
Hi Sarah and Chad
I just wanted to let you both know that I am blessed by your story and testimony. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 8 yrs old to when I was approx 10 yrs old. (Im 40 now) and I have seen God miraculously restore their relationship too. My father became an ordained minister when I was in my teens and he earned his Dr.degree in Theology three years ago .My mom has been a pastors wife and a blessing to many.What the enemy tried to ruin God stepped in and restored. Sarah, I appreciate and enjoy your blog daily.
Joyfully
Stephanie
wow, thank you so much stephanie!!
Sarah –
I love your blog – found it from another, not sure which. Immediately I was drawn to your story. I am a victim of adultery. My husband was involved with another woman, emotionally, for months, confessed, told me he broke it off, only to continue to lie for another several months.
I want you to know – THIS victim of adultery does not hate you. She loves your honesty, your ability to be candid, and your struggles with the past.
What I love MOST about your blog is it challenges me to be a better wife, (step)mother, woman, and Christian. Thank you!!