The only thing I was good at growing up was school.
I didn’t play piano or hit home runs in softball. I couldn’t do a perfect toe touch on a cheer squad or hold a microphone with conviction and sing the “special music” for a church service.
I just got good grades. And I was rarely disappointed.
It was like a formula for the most part: STUDY (A LOT) + HOMEWORK + SHOW UP FOR CLASS = DECENT SCORES.
It just worked. But that was the only thing I knew how to do. If I’d ever brought home a D or, let’s be honest, even a B- I would have been devastated. I didn’t have to get used to disappointment.
I wasn’t on a sports team where the variables of winning and losing were exponentially expanded by other teammates or rain or a hot day.
My eight-year-old, however, is beginning to perform in events that are regularly plagued with disappointment. Almost identical to what happened a few weeks ago, Hope ribboned in her first event and was disqualified in her second event at the local gymkhana.
Elation melted into severe disappointment.
I watched her as she rode out of the arena, barely able to keep her tears from falling. And even as my heart hurt for her, I thought about myself. I never had to face the regular ebb and flow of performance based disappointment as a little girl. I watch as her heart soars and falls and I wonder how I would have handled it at the same age. When I was younger I only tried what I could accomplish and never attempted what I know couldn’t do well.
It keeps the averages deceptively favorable, doesn’t it?
But I also watch as she learns that disappointment isn’t the end of the world, that sometimes she wins and sometimes she loses and that there will be other races.
Sometimes I feel like God is teaching me the same thing He’s teaching my daughter. That life will end just find as long as I keep the most important things in mind: what I do, do with honor and respect. And above all, try something that is hard and uncomfortable and that I might fail at.
She is learning to try hard things. She is learning to do things that she doesn’t exactly know the outcome.
And I love that about her.
I watch her walk her borrowed horse around the outside of the arena after her failure. Her shoulders hand a little lower than they did five minutes ago. I see her father approach her and put his hand on the bridle. They stop and talk and I see her nod. I can’t hear what he says to her but I know she’s still a little sad.
It’s alright because some disappointment once in awhile is okay. In fact it’s good. It builds something in her that is beautiful.
And all of a sudden it makes me be like her.
She’s gaining the confidence at eight that I think I am still learning to cultivate.
Has disappointment ever helped you gain confidence?
My sister calls that “building character” and she’s used that expression for everything that happens – her daughter cutting her own bangs too short “oh honey, it builds character. Go to school” …. she has a very Zen attitude about any situation that makes a person feel uncomfortable – from a breakup to public speaking to very bad hair days. Those who have everything handed to them on a silver plater and are protected by parents from ever having to deal with any disappointment or struggle or embarrassment or consequences for poor choices, never seem to grow into people that others actually LIKE. Right?
very well said, kathleen. i love that.
I think we always need balance, and our children need to learn the same.
Keep encouraging them and you will do great. good job mom!
thank you sharon. i always need the encouragement.
This one resonated deep in my soul, Sarah. I’m grew up like you – I was good at school. What’s worse is – it came easy to me. So I excelled at something I didn’t even work for.
A quick try at sports taught me I don’t like losing or failure or looking a fool. So I stopped trying hard things and stayed in my safe zone.
I was an adult before I got over that and learned I was missing out on a whole lot of life there in my corner.
Now my kids are learning this lesson themselves, and I’m so quick to remind them that disappointment and failure are part of living. If you aren’t tasting them regularly, you might not be doing it right.
oh, so true, right?
Great post, Sarah! This resonates with me and where I’m at with my kids. It’s hard, but in the long run they’ll be better adults for having learned to handle disappointments and set backs.
absolutely. and i loved getting to hug baby silas and rub his belly last weekend.
it was fabulous meeting you and your husband!
I think that’s the season I’m in right now… great risk + failure = growth, both in knowing God and building character.
Great post!
it’s a hard season (i’m in a similar one) but i think the pay off is so good. keep it up!
I’m learning this lesson too, Sarah. Most of my life I’ve done those things that come easily … but as I venture out into the world of maybe, I’m finding that perhaps I have shortchanged myself – but most certainly I have underestimated the magnitude of God at work in me.
that is beautiful, terilynne. i love that.
This is something I struggle with. I want to wrap my girls up from any disappointment. My childhood wasn’t the best I was left believing I was never going to be good enough. I don’t ever wish my girls to feel this way. Yet I know they have to face disappointments. I have a daughter who ice skates and one who sings and they face competitions with good grace it is I who suffers for them. Bless my incredible girls xxx
what a good mama you are. but i know what you mean by suffering for them. i think i get more nervous than she does!
Sarah, I was the same. As a kid, I studied and got good grades. School came so easy to me. But once I hit college, I got tired of all the studying. I wanted to have fun. In high school I didn’t have to study that hard to get good grades. So, I thought college would be the same. Boy was I wrong. My 4.0 gpa fell to 3.0, then to 2.0…I going downward, Biola offered so much more than I had ever experienced. I wasn’t used to not doing good. All through high school all i got were A’s. So when I started getting bad grades, I would just ignor them, as if they never happened. No one would know but me. But it just ate me up. I never got to finish my junior year of college, due to unforseen circumstances out of my control, and now that I’m trying to finish my degree, the grades are haunting me now. And it’s so much harder as an adult. I don’t want my son to go through this. I am constantly trying to teach him it’s ok to be disappointed for a moment, but then you just gotta pick up your stuff and move on. No one ever taught me that. My mom never pushed me out of comfort zone to try something new and I know I struggle with that now.
wow. what a story! it looks like you’ve learned so much though. and so cool that you are going back to school!
oh, geez.
the perseverance paul mentions?
let’s just say i’ve got LOTS of character.
(and lots of hope as a result.)
xo
p.s. i almost laughed out loud at what kathleen said.
i totally did too! =)
You know, I was one of those people who succeeded at most things I tried, I don’t know why, but I didn’t have a lot of those kind of disappointments. But in a weird way, I took that same approach when I lost everything, too. Rather than sit in the disappointment of losing all of my talents and goals and, really, any hope for potential, I wanted to succeed at this stage of my life, too. I wanted to handle losing my life in a way that allowed it to be successful, too.
I don’t know if that sounds weird. I hadn’t given it intentional thought until I read this, but it’s the perspective I had. That even if I was going to lose it all, I wanted to embrace it successfully.
i think that is an incredible attitude, sara. i’ve loved watching your success at this stage in your life. i imagine it’s more difficult than you let on but you are so graceful about what you go through.
thanks for letting me steal alece for a week. =)
Sarah . . .so awesome, you, you and your girls, and yes, even those disappointments. And all the ladies here . . .awesome too.
Recently, I was disappointed about meeting up with a friend who I haven’t been able to see for about 8 years. Our weekly times together are not going to be what I thought they were going to be. And I was a little saddened and hurt at the outset. But, now He has given me a new confidence that I can handle things like this with grace and be a help to her, not wallowing in my disappointments.
p.s. loved Kathleen’s comment too!