I’m a woman raising women.
Five years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest child, I found out she was a girl. She’d be joining her older sister in our family to make the score 2 – 0 in favor of the female sex.
I am not a mother of boys. My stairs are littered with dance bags and my porch has 3 pairs of horse riding boots outside the door. We think, eat and breathe pink.
Except for my husband we are all women in this home; even the dog and cat are each females.
I wondered, especially after giving birth to my second girl, if God was trying to tell me something. What did He want me to learn about my own femaleness, about sisters (I have one), or maybe even about my own relationship with my mother? No doubt I would have to face my own failings as a woman and try to rectify them before I raise full-grown adult daughters.
I would be forced to be the primary deliverer of information about and recipient of questions about sex and relationships. Was I qualified for this? I’d really screwed up in the past in these areas. Who am I to talk about it?
When I was a student teacher years ago I taught Macbeth to a bunch of accelerated 12th graders. I planned out my lessons but had to cram the night before on the stanzas and couplets of Shakespeare’s masterpiece. I always felt like I was only a baby step ahead of the intelligent group of eighteen-year-olds.
I feel the same way about teaching my girls to be women. It’s difficult to be a teacher of something I’m barely learning myself.
I’m not convinced that being a woman and raising women is merely about teaching them to clean a dirty pan, get grass stains out or bake a perfect blueberry scone. I’m doing those things, but there is something greater about teaching my girls to be women. Because with girls, it’s not all lace and dolls. There are roller-coaster emotions, feelings of low-worth, and screeches worth their decibel weight in gold.
I’m learning that rearing women is about teaching and modeling self-control so that they, someday, don’t wrestle with food addictions or pornography addictions. It’s about modeling and instilling a sense of self worth but balancing it with dependence on God so that neither pride nor self-deprecation take over.
But that means settling in that balance myself: attacking my food addiction, coming to terms with my friendship issues, and realizing who I am in Christ. To be female is to struggle to remain in balance. At least for me.
I’m still not sure what it means to raise women and I’m still not sure what God wants to teach me through it. I’m learning as I go and that in itself takes a lot of faith.
This post is in response to the Idea Camp Bloggers who are writing about gender this week. What does it mean to be male? What does it mean to be female? And in my case, what does it mean to be a female trying to raise godly, balanced females.
What do you think? How does your gender affect your relationships and how does it affect how you are raising your children?
I cried (and cried) when I found out I was having a girl, because I did not want a fifth generation of crazy. Mothers and daughters in my family just don’t… work.
I’m learning that my history doesn’t have to be my story.
I don’t know anything about boys, but I’m raising one of them, too. You are right about being a baby step ahead of them!
I love the fact you had a part in teaching Shakespeare’s MacBeth. Congrats.
We bought a home six doors from the Library, so our daughter lived practically in the Library. We didn’t find this out until this year since she Directs Shakespeare Plays and teaches Shakespeare to a large School System that her passion came when she was in the third grade. She said I had a fabulous influence on her because I took her to a Romeo & Juliet Play to understand “romance.” And to this day, she is extremely close to her Dad and to me; and extremely successful living in a huge City. I taught her bravery, and spent many hourse listening to her feelings from the time she was a year old~ they never forget what they learn at home. She will always say, “Mom you taught me this or that.” And the best part is, Sarah, when they grow into an adult and she calls for a recipe or “Mom, how do you do this.” She said she always loved to watch me and what I did in the kitchen or anywhere; so I would say gender makes a loving difference. Although she and her Dad love to talk about movies, actors, etc. because that is her job. She has her Dad’s humility and learned how to love from me.
Sarah, I’ve raised two daughter too, but we had a son first. This didn’t make having girls any easier. They challenged me on so many fronts in their teenage years. Yes, it’s hard to stand face to face at eye level with women who were once the little ones who I taught to do so many “big” things, like walk, talk, write, read and do their times tables (I was a homeschool-mom). I have had those moments when they challenged who I am or what I believe. I have had to stay one step ahead of them, but sometimes they’ve passed me by and I’m the one learning the lesson of humility and/or courage. Motherhood is about growing little girls into women, but they are the ones who help us become the women God wants us to be. He controls all things, even our everyday conversations. He is listening and helping mothers and daughters grow closer to HIM. And this will never end until the day He calls us home!
Thanks for this excellent post – I love your writing!!!
I am one of the youngest of a family with 6 daughters – no boys. My poor Daddy has become the most tender man over the years because of it. He can watch (and cry at) Anne of Green Gables with the best of us.
Something my Daddy always shares with parents to a new baby girl is an old Jewish proverb that goes like this, “If God gives you sons, He loves you. If God gives you daughters, He loves you – but he wants to keep you humble.” I think you know the meaning of that.
your post brought me to tears. i do not yet have children… the reason? i have been beyond petrified of being a mother. i did not want to continue the cycle of dysfunction and abuse that came from my family, or the cycle of dangerous passivity from my husband’s family. just recently, since i have come back to my faith have i considered that i do have something to give and i can break the cycles as long as we are a Christ-centered family.
Tiffany-You do not need to be afraid. Whether or not you become a mother, you don’t need to carry the burden any longer. Blessings to you and your husband, and your new family together.
thank you so much for your kind words! Blessings to you too
I’ve learned so much from raising daughters, each one so different, each what He knew I needed in my life. I don’t know that I’ve blessed them as much as they’ve blessed me, but maybe it’s there somewhere and still ahead.
So glad your girls have you, Sarah!
[...] learners makes it clear that she disagrees with raising girls as ‘princesses’. And then today Sarah Markley, another one of my very favorite bloggers, addressed the issue of being a woman raising women as a [...]
I am the mom of boys… or I was the mom of 3 boys, in a very boy world, until my daughter was born. She changed my perspective. She motivates me to have a good self image. I want her to learn self confidence from me. I want her to believe in herself. Somehow, being a mom of a girl, changed some of the desires I had for myself. I want to help my daughter have balance. I want to pass on a zeal for living and a passion for God. I want her to understand that she is beautiful.
Great post Sarah! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I’m a mom to a 15 month old daughter and felt such a peace about having a girl. I know it won’t be easy but I know that I can pass along lessons I’ve learned in life and also give her space to live her own life and be the best woman she can be.
So much of what you said today struck a chord with me. I have two daughters – a four-year old and an almost-two-year old. Raising these girls is the hardest thing I’ve ever done….and the scariest, I think.
I laughed when I read the “roller-coaster emotions” and “screeches worth their decibel weight in gold.” So, so true.
I cried when I read the paragraphs about teaching and modeling self-control and finding our balance in God and realizing who we are in Christ. So, so true and difficult. I’ve had a rough couple of days with my four-year old. I fail so much in modeling the right way to live. But His mercies are new every morning; great is His faithfulness.
Once again, you’ve written about the very thing I needed for today. Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you.
Awesome post. I grew up in home with my parents and my brother. Always wanted a sister, someone to confide in. I had been Brady Bunch-erized.
So my kid #1 is a girl, adopted.
Kid #2, also a girl, also adopted. We chose the gender since she was already living. In an orphange.
Kid #3, a boy.
As I tried to live vicariously through my girls — somehow getting the sister I never had — I realized something: If I had a sister growing up, I may have “hated” her or loved her to pieces.
Complicated creatures, we women.
We never found out the gender of the girls before I delivered, but I told my husband (who is a twin to his sister and has 2 older sisters) he is destined to be surrounded by women all his life.
True to form, we had 2 girls.
The biggest thing that has been on my heart in raising my girls is fostering a relationship with their Dad. In looking back at my own failures as a women, they were rooted in seeking attention and acceptance from men. From the time I was young. That was where my self worth came from because I didn’t have a strong sense of love from my own dad. When I was 16, Dad bought me a car and said, “Do you love me now?” That’s how he showed me love…things…that’s all he knew…
Of course, women who are loved wholly by their dads can still make choices that hurt themselves. Ultimately I needed to find my full worth in the position I had in Christ, but in a tangible way, I needed that from my own father.
I know it’s not my sole responsibility to raise my girls, who are only 5 and 7, to teach them they are valuable and worthy and beautiful and complete in Christ. My husband plays a huge role in that, and maybe even a bigger role than I realize today.
Two days ago, I looked at my older daughter. I said, “Do you know you are beautiful?” She nodded…”Yes”….”Why do you think you are beautiful?” Without hesitation she said, “Because I am kind.”
And that’s it exactly….may she hold on to that…
melissa, once again, your message blesses me. i love what your daughter said about being kind. i feel like that should end up in a book of quotes somewhere. xo
thank you friend…i always love coming back here at the end of the day and reading all the comments from everyone…such a great community fostered here…
and yes, it was so sweet to hear Isabella’s understanding of beauty. each year we have a “theme” for the girls before we start school. last year it was “courage” and “wisdom”…i was racking my brain this year trying to think of a theme…i think beauty will be awesome…hmmm…
i think the biggest thing for me in helping to raise my niece -and if i am ever a mom of girls- is that she believe she can do anything and be anything she wants to be. that i don’t project fear onto her. that she have a sense of self-confidence, self-worth & independence rooted in the lord. and that, like melissa said, she be kind.
xo
This is such an excellent topic. I am the mother of a 2 year old boy. When I found out I was having a boy, I was sooo relieved. I felt like the pressure was not “on” as much for me being the opposite gender.
As much as I would LOVE a daughter deep down, I am also afraid. I have a wonderful mother, but our relationship was never close because communication was always blocked. Since that is the only model I know, having a daughter is intimidating to me.
I know that I can overcome these fears and have a close mother-daughter relationship someday, God willing.
Thanks for always bringing up great topics to think about!
I am raising two girls also and it is scary. I do not feel qualified to teach them how to grow up and be women and completely understand what you mean by only being a few baby steps ahead. My mother is amazing and with her help we are working thru issues one at a time. Guess all the “mama’s of girls” have to stick together!
My husband and I raised three girls who are now delightful young women. Sometimes I think how could I have possibly ended up with daughters who are smarter, more sure of themselves, and much more charming than I have ever been—-God’s grace!!
Raising girls is terrifying to me because I remember how traumatic being a girl was, especially as a teenager. It seems God is allowing people to be in my path that have wonderful and healthy working relationships with their daughters and it is so encouraging to me to see that. I am overjoyed to see that’s even a possibility and I’m hoping some day it will be a reality.
Precious thoughts.
Wow. I find myself in the midst of “raising” or helping to raise my boyfriend’s 11 year old daughter, of whom he has full custody. Her mother is quite troubled and unavailable(and lives a couple states away) both phsyically and emotionally. He has raised his daughter on his own since she was a baby. For the most part he’s done a pretty good job of it. But there are BIG things that concern me. She uses food to control him and has no sense of control in that area herself. She overeats at every meal or orders everything and then doesn’t eat any of it. He lets her do it. He also lets her watch the Bratz Dolls movies and have role models that aren’t edifying or self-image building. Her self-image is very poor. And she constantly seeks attention from boys. I try to build her up and leave her notes on the bathroom mirror when I am there that her value is only in Christ and his love for her, not in what anyone else has to say about her. She can also be disrespectful of others’ things and is generally lazy and has a very poor attitude. She has a sense of entitlement that scares me. I don’t know what to do. I have tried talking with him and he says he recognizes some of those things but nothing ever seems to change. I can understand a little bit of his desire to “spoil” her because of her distant mother but I feel things could get really ugly the older she gets/in her teen years. She’s already hormonal and emotional.
I see so much of myself in her and it scares me. My own relationship with my father was disastrous in my formative years. I’m grateful that they do have the relationship that they do have – able to talk openly and frankly about all matter of things. But see so many areas (that might be more important) in which I feel he needs to improve. And I hate having this level of expectation of him but it’s important to me. I don’t want to see her make the same mistakes I made. Or hurt the way I did.
It all frightens me.
Great post and great question! I only have a boy, but I often wonder what it would be like if we eventually had a girl. I know that as a father I am a big part of teaching my son how to be a man, and I assume that my wife would take the same position as you in teaching a daughter how to be a woman. But I also think that if I had a daughter that she would also learn a great deal about being a woman from me and how I treat her…
This is an important discussion, and I love your perspective! Thanks for sharing!