“Do you love it yet?” Chad asked.
“Almost.” I answered.
I’ve been running consistently for about six weeks now.
Six weeks of ankles aching as I lay down to fall asleep. Six weeks of saying NO to the urge to sleep 30 minutes longer in the morning and skip my run. Six weeks of saying YES to see-my-breath mornings in a new neighborhood and yet-to-be-discovered trails.
And on Saturday I ran 5 miles in less than an hour just to see if I could.
I did and I didn’t die. It was my longest run in almost 2 years.
Understand I used to be in great running shape. I used to pop out six miles about 4 times a week and that was only a few years ago. I used to LOVE to run, love to lace up my running shoes, love to breathe in deep the morning, damp air.
In fact, so many of my early blog posts were about running.
But in the past couple of years I’ve lost that love as well as the toned calves. I have to drag myself from bed and drag my eyelids open and drag my sweatshirt on. In the place of bounce in my step is drag in my step.
But when I answered him, I thought about how 6 weeks ago I couldn’t run more than about a mile without burning lungs. I thought about how last weekend I chose to not make that final turn into my neighborhood at 4 and a quarter miles but ran to the end of the street and back to crest a full five. I thought about how this morning, although very slow, I nearly enjoyed my solitary jog. Nearly.
Sigh. To get back to a place where it was a desire for me.
Conjuring desire where it has flown is almost an impossible task.
A desire for a husband after time, trust and hearts have been lost.
Desire to make things right with a person after years of wounds.
A desire to work on a half-finished project that sits half-painted in the same spot it did last week.
A desire for devotion and prayer.
What does it take to get it back? How do I create the first-love, new-kiss feeling of wanting that thing that at one time was so important to me?
Desire might be the most elusive thing in the universe.
At one time I have it fully within my grasp. It centers my soul and surrounds my heart. And then it’s gone without notice.
Like Desire is gone in the morning off to work without saying goodbye. And I’m stuck at the top of the stairs without a kiss, listening to his car speed off.
Desire. Flown.
I don’t have a real answer. Not a tidy one at least. Because the only way I know to feel desire back in my hands and rest in my palm is to actually do that thing, however painful it is. Just do that thing.
Set my alarm for early and cold and find my running shoes in the dark. Make that painful phone call and say, “I’m sorry.” Pick up the still-packed box that blocks the entrance to the bathroom and unpack it. Open the Bible and work through the words. Pray through the words. Make the wrong thing right again.
The only thing I know to do is to do that thing until the desire seeps back. Until the running shoes feel like they were made for my feet and the ankle pain isn’t there any longer. Until the five mile run feels like 2 and I am begging for more. And the fear isn’t that I can’t make it to the end but that I won’t have enough time to finish what I’ve set out to do.
How do you get desire back when it has gone? What has worked for you?
I think you’re absolutely right – you must just get in there and do it! I believe desire is a fickle emotion that often follows the having or doing. It can be selfish or self-centered in its origin. Sometimes we desire the outcome without the work of getting there … I know I do. So the work, the struggle, the doing must happen whether we desire or not. Such is the call of obedience, I believe.
i agree Missy June. Thank you for the great comment.
I think you’re right. No matter what it is you just have to do whatever the thing is. Sometimes you have to fake that ‘want to do it’ until it really does become something you want to do.
yeah, the whole “fake it till you make it” was going thru my head when i wrote this. =)
I needed to hear this today Sarah. Thank you. I can relate more than you know possible. God bless you today.
you too melissa. thank you.
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this is a struggle for me too – i go through phases. i try to remind myself how blessed i am to be ABLE to run whenever I want, really. you’ll get there!
thanks!! i’m starting to really love it again. it’s a slow process…
I completely agree…the things that you don’t have a desire to do anymore, but want to want to do them…well, the first step is doing them habitually and regularly and making them a part of your life so that one day you realize you actually LIKE doing those things and they are GOOD for you. And before you know it, those things you didn’t desire, and then actually liked, are now the things you LOVE the most, the things that bring you joy and make your life worthwhile. I truly believe that the most worthwhile things take the most work to do/love.
so very true Laurissa. sometimes it’s hard to take the first step in the right direction, though. =)
i needed to hear this today. i have so many areas of my life that i’m lacking desire that i wish i had, and running is one of them. i used to run all the time, i was a cross-country runner in highschool and college and i have ran marathons and half-marathons, and today, i can’t run 100 yards without aching pain.
i wish i had the answers, but just doing it always worked for nike!
oh i know. i run the risk of sounding like nike a lot =)
This is so timely for me. Just this morning I was wondering how to get back to wanting to spend more time with my husband and friends, how to have a need to have quiet time and Bible study, how to like people again.
It’s so easy to be carried by the current, stop rowing, stop working on relationships, stop growing spiritually…
what a great metaphor, inna. the current that lulls us into not wanting to work hard. thanks for that. the picture will be in my head all day!
Ah, I totally feel ya on having to make yourself want to run. I’m training for a 10k and trying to (for the first time ever) get to a place where I WANT to run. I agree with you, with some things you just have to do the work consistently and tell your heart be open to those new desires growing, and slowly growth will come. Sometimes I lack the openness. And I agree with Laurissa above – growing to love something just takes stinkin’ hard work.
way to go Leslie! and yes, I agree with laurissa too. =)
desire is an emotion. and the word of God states that we should never be controlled by our emotions. instead our lives should constantly be guided by the holy spirit. in other words, whether we feel like doing the right thing or not, we need to do it regardless.
very true, zhanna. =)
Great reminder! I can so relate to so much of this! I just started running for the first time in my life in November (and i’m 41!) and I’m running my first half marathon in April! No, I don’t LOVE it yet, I like it alot, not a love relationship yet, but I do see the benefits and want MORE! I thought of a recent post you wrote not to long ago when I forgot my Ipod on my last run..gasp! What did I do? Ran in silence, me and God talked alot!
Thanks for inspiring all of us!!
way to go tracy. yeah, sometimes i leave it at home too for the silence.
I needed this today as well! I am currently training for a 10K and circumstances at home have put a blip in my running the past two weeks…I’m afraid I’m losing the desire. However, your post has helped push me back in the right direction. Thanks for the words.
oh yay! i have had so many “blips” lately too.
keep running!!
You speak wisdom here. Pray for it. Ask for it. That’s all I know to do. But the main step is to just do it…over and over again. I struggle with this. I want the good things God has for me.
yup. over and over again. sound boring but it might be the only way. maybe another name for it is self discipline…
I needed this too… Gonna be pondering this as I go do the laundry. Remembering how Jesus went to the cross… FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM… while DOING laundry doesn’t bring me joy, having the laundry DONE does. So I’ll ask Jesus to help me keep my eyes “on the prize”… whether it’s the prize of laundry done or the prize of making it to the mission field… the joy set before me will help me desire the steps if I keep my eyes in the right place. Up and ahead and not on the ground. : ) Thanks for the reminder!
I started running. Yesterday. I finally decided that I need to do something. My brother runs so this was perfect for me. Plus I have friends (not close by though) who run. They inspire me. You inspire me!
I only ran one mile but it was a start. I feel ok today though I do have aches and pains. I am so out of shape; it’s ridiculous. The thing is that you wouldn’t think I look out of shape. I’m 5 foot 4 and hover around 110 lbs usually.
But I don’t have endurance. I’ve sat around too much the past few years. =/
It’s going to be a long uphill battle but I want to feel healthier and I want to be in shape.
One thing that is working for me is accountability. Without my brother pushing me and running alongside me, I don’t think I would keep getting up early and pushing myself. He helps me out tremendously!
Your description is spot on and amusing. I literally just started running again last week after a couple of years holding back after an injury. I get out of shape 14 million times faster than I get in shape. I think I can, I think I can.
Whenever I’m short on desire I remember my husband’s aptly put quote of scripture-”where your treasure is there will your heart be also”. It’s so true- what I choose to treasure with my time, my efforts, my thoughts- that’s where my heart will be. So- if I treasure my stuff, buy lots, take lots of time to take care of my lots of stuff, save up for more stuff-certainly my heart will be tightly wrapped up in my stuff. But, if I treasure my kids- if I spend time with them, learn about them, give to them, take care of them, pray for them-my heart becomes wrapped up in them. And, whenever my desire, my heart- is waning from what I know is important-I actively seek to treasure that thing more.
I’ve been in the “just do” mode lately… not in doing, of course… it’s because I can’t do that I need to constantly remind myself to live what I believe. The sicker I get the more I have to just do… do my praying, do my attitude, do my joy… even when it feels like a job instead of given.
what helps me is this motto of mine: you can’t pretend to be ignorant once you know better.
i live that for my faith and attitude but i think it can be applied to anything. you know better than to not move your body, not communicate with your husband, not mend relationships. you know better, so you can’t let yourself pretend to be ignorant to it.
at least that’s what works for me
It took a lot of patience, Sarah, to get my hubby to see and confess that he was beginning the day (which is my favorite time ever) with an attitude of “it’s only about me (him)” day. I had to approach him with tender love and care and asked that when would be a great time to get our morning going smoothly? Denial, I don’t get it, I don’t ignore you Syndromes………but I wouldn’t give up and finally he confessed “Have I really been doing this?” And once we came to a conclusion neither ONE of us would ignore each other, we have perfect mornings. I am so energized just knowing I’m sooo important and the same with him. Incredible mornings now!!!! I love your blog though because you are so honest!
I’ve come to the conclusion that:
1) Love ages. It’s okay; it doesn’t mean it’s faded, it just means facets of it are different than the ‘yippee!’ feeling of youthful love.
2) Athletic prowess ages. It creeps up on you, jumps in your joints, and you begin to wonder how in the world ten years ago you could jump those hurdles. Run those 5K’s.
3) It’s okay that both change, so I guess my expectations of them should, too.
And depending on the situation:
Some things can’t be made right after years of wounds. (Big sad face here…) I do my part, but I also find with some people healthy boundaries are needed. It is one of those ‘hopes’ that I know one day He will make right. Because I can’t always make things right, even if I want to. Even if I ask forgiveness…even if….
Those projects that sit undone. Well, I’ve got a ton of them. I’d like to think that there is an aspect of longing for eternity in that. Will we not have time to do the stuff He’s created us for there? (Just wondering across the keyboard.) I’m thinking some C.S. Lewis thoughts here…like this world is but a shadow of the next.
I totally agree with others–in some instances I have to ‘Fake it ’til you make it’.
Spoken right to my heart this morning. Desire is a lot of hard work. It is not easy. Being consistent in Prayer! When you think you have prayed enough, pray some more!
Inspire me. . .please. I did so well from May to December and then Bam–I was sick, kids were sick, weather is too cold, two deaths in the family and my motivation flew right out the window. I’m praying that I can get that desire back–any desire will do these days. Just one foot out the door for a walk would be a start. I feel like my whole soul needs refreshing, not even a physical exercise thing any more..I need air–fresh air outside that door of mine that is still closed. Sigh.
I love this, Sarah! It really echoes truth for all areas of our lives…
“Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” Ps. 37:4
I was just digging through my archives and found some posts I wrote a year ago linking to your blog. And I couldn’t remember the last time I had even stopped by, so I thought I’d visit today.
I’m so glad I did… I needed to read these words today. Desire is something I need to learn to grab hold of once again. Many areas of my life have turned stale and have become drudgeries instead of desires. Thank you for your words!
thank you ashley! glad you stopped by!! =)
i think it was the book mudhouse sabbath by lauren winner where she suggests that judaism is so much less about legalism or works than obedience–praying with our feet, so to speak.
we’ve enthroned emotion to the point that we think we have to wait until we feel like doing something before we move, but i think you are right–we need to do and risk discomfort and be disciplined in order to awaken desire that’s turned to embers–whether in sex or spirituality or fitness or anything.
good word, sarah:)
i love that suzannah. obedience is praying with our feet. I think you have a wonderful point!
I don’t know if I can work hard enough to regain lost desire. I have been learning to get honest with myself and allow for the yucky feelings to exist…they are just feelings, after all. And I pray, for God’s will and that He will understand my desires. For Him to continue to show me the way to go, even when the feelings are soooo strange…and some seem lost forever.
oh my dear friend how i can relate. it is so hard to get back to it. two years ago i was running the fastest/best i had ever run, then by last year i was still running but more sporadically so i got frustrated and now here i am trying to start all over again. i am working my way up to two miles… so sad but yet i know i can do it. it is always hard to get going but usually once i have started it is fine. i do have to set goals so i don’t stop because i am tired or don’t feel like it. the “exercise” of putting one foot in front of the other and continually making myself go has been good. i really do have to push myself to do it. something that was once so routine is now work. i don’t feel the love yet and i don’t know if the love will come but the discipline of doing something hard is so good for me. not just in running/exercising but creating desire for other things that have been hard or i think are too difficult or i just don’t make time to do.
i am proud of you for getting back out there and doing it. you are inspiring me.
miss you!
this resonates with me in so many ways.
i get the running part for sure, but mostly i am thinking about how, in the first year of our attempt at keeping this marriage afloat, we just did the next thing…over and over and over again. most of the time, it was in the hopes that if we did the next thing, or the right thing, or whatever that tough thing was, after enough times, desire would return.
and it did.
Thank you so much for this post.
I wish I had an answer for you.
I don’t.
My soul is so dry. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever desired at all. Every day I wake up too late. Which puts me in catch up mode. The thing is, I don’t know what I’m trying to catch up to. Does that even make sense?
I just want to dive back into the River of Life and let the current of Truth carry me away. But daily I’m bombarded with lies – lies about myself, about my marriage, about the gift of my children.
Desire. Fire. Passion. I’m wondering what happened to it too.
Sarah – I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for a while, but have never commented before. I can completely relate with wanting to want to run as I’ve been experiencing this the last two years before finally getting myself to run a few times in the last week.
I understand the need to do things when our desire is sometimes lacking (this can be really important in relationships). My question is this: Do you think sometimes our desires are taken away in certain areas so that we turn our attention to other things God wants us to focus on instead? I’ve been pondering this for a while
Your words always speak to my heart. Love this.
I love this. Great post!