I’ve always been a geek of some kind or another.
In high school and college I studied a lot so, naturally, that made me a geek.
Now I’m a geek because, as much as I hate to admit it, I am fascinated with and think a lot about social media. It’s really geeky, I know.
I think a lot about how blogs and twitter and Facebook has shaped us in the last 3-5 years. How we used to live one way and now we live another. How we all now, famous or not, live in public ways. And about how this is such a recent occurrence.
That HAS to have changed a generation or three.
I know that I know that social media has outlined a new reality in me personally. I have said before to friends and others that the same day my blog becomes anything but a what-you-see-is-what-you-get place is the same day I shut it down forever.
My soul can’t afford for it to be anything but that.
So I have created this itty bitty corner of the Internet that is me, as uncluttered and truthful as it can be.
Or at least that is what I’ve been thinking, what I’ve written and what I’ve said to people. I actually believed it.
But now I know something different.
This is only ONE facet of me. I do my best to keep it as honest and true as it possibly can be, but it’s not me.
Peel back the layers of me and you’ll find a woman who
worries
eats too much
thinks bad things
washes dishes
cleans up cat vomit
says bad words
and has a bad habit at procrastinating at returning emails.
Oh and there’s so much more! There is so much more to all of us. There is sex and arguments and holding sick babies and singing in church and regrets and depression and hatred. There is so much more to all of us than what ANY of us portray online, or EVEN what we portray to our daily friends.
Let’s make a pact here today that we will give one another some yardage to tell the truth but to tell it as part of a whole. Let’s give some amazing grace to one another that yes, our Facebook status updates may express our coffee preferences but they do NOT express our true hearts. Not really. Let’s agree that each one of us longs to be known and loved in a holistic way – that we all have layers and strata that are hard to dig through.
Let’s offer as much grace as we ourselves need.
And I’ll try to do my part in expressing the part of me that shows up on this blog in the best way that I know how.
Peel back the layers of YOU and what do we find??
You will find someone:
who struggles with blogging in this season of life
who longs to be successful at something creative
who so often labels herself a failure
who can be very sarcastic
who has four laundry baskets full of clothes in the living room and for some reason those clothes can’t seem to find their way into the drawers they came out of
who wants a chick-fil-A milkshake something awful
who is craving those stuffed pancakes from Bob Evan’s
who has children who currently have dirt under their fingernails
and yes that dirt bothers me… its yells at me that I am failing as a mom
You will find someone who needs a lot of grace and yet seems there is none for me to be found in the current ministry I am in.
I am thankful that God’s grace doesn’t end and isn’t based on other people’s judgements of what they assume to be true.
you’ll find a woman who
- struggles daily with a full time job
- has 2 darling little girls who need me way more than I give myself to them
- has a pile of clean (thankful that it is all clean) laundry on my bed, strategically placed there so I will fold it before I go to sleep, but instead I climbed under the covers last night and let it be an extra blanket)
- is very afraid of being a single mom but learning through God’s grace that I can do it every day if I take one day at a time
- remembers that even when I fail this moment, there is a new moment for forgiveness and redemption
- prays desperately that her husband will see how far he has strayed from the Lord
- but still doesn’t pray that prayer enough (Lord, PLEASE … turn him back to you!!)
- is rejoicing that it is Friday so that tonight I *might* get all that laundry away since I can stay up late without fear of oversleeping the school bus pick up
- loves hot tea, but never drinks coffee
- loves looking out the window at the strawberries growing (that have not yet been pecked by the birds)
- and who most of all is thankful that despite (or more likely because of) the departure of her husband has grown oh-so-much closer to the Lord and has an opportunity to show my children the same.
Praise the Lord for HIS faithfulness, even when we are not, and that He knows exactly what we need, and exactly how things will turn out, even when we do not.
Thank you, for the chance to be real. And for listening.
(and a woman who is thankful for far-away never-met-in-person women of faith who listen & pray.)
a very distinguished sinner…in need of grace.
ESPECIALLY in our very public age, I think it is wise and healthy to establish strong boundaries!
My friend yesterday said she felt like a fake, but she’s not…she just isn’t putting it all out there like others. That’s fine!
Yes, I think this hyper-exposure is bound to have phyche changing effects.
You will find a woman who still struggles with insecurity and tries to hide it
A mom whose children are the world to her
A tired housekeeper who doesn’t feel like doing too much these days
A wife who can’t seem to be satisfied with anything but doesn’t express it
A child of God who desperatly needs Jesus EVERYDAY!
A girl who is thankful for this end of the internet where she can express herself, truthfully.
A sensitive soul who forgets not to take thing too seriously.
A woman who is still @ 26 gets caught up in trying to find herself.
You’ll find an innocent girl who just wants the best for everyone she loves!
You will find a woman who:
- struggles daily with being a full time employee, a full time mom, a part time church secretary, youth leader and ladies leader and at times she wants to scream at people when they ask her to do them a favor
- loves her husband and children so much it hurts
- wants desperately to read and study her Bible every night but that just doesn’t happen
- has dirty dishes in the sink and piles of papers that need to be gone through
- battles daily with bad eating habits
- worries entirely too much what others think (Thank You Lord for helping me with this)
- battles daily to not put “God Sized Responsibilities” on her husband.
Wow! That makes me feel better!
Thanks!
the girl who:
Feels guilty after she yells at her kids over something stupid
wonders if she is really a good mother
isn’t always the best at communicating her feelings in any other way than writing
wishes her mother loved and accepted her for who she is
is still bleeding inside from the pain of the betrayal by a loved and trusted mentor 6 months ago, right when she needed her most
feels like she’s never quite enough
looks for love in all the wrong places, when sometimes it’s right in front of her face
has SO many talents and giftings but none of them are “good enough”
stuggles with body image
feels guilty every time she feels full
teachers others how to play music and wonders why she never actually did anything with her own
keeps screwing up friendships because she’s afraid to trust
had an affair 6 months ago, ripping out the heart and soul of the man God gave her…. who couldn’t love her more.
wonders how she could ever forgive herself
is desperately begging God to fill the empty places and change what needs to change in me, realizing she is at the end of herself. she can’t. Only He can.
that girl…..is me.
On the majority of these things… me, too.
is flawed and hurt in too many ways to list….Just trying to do the right thing.
You will find a woman who:
who aches and rages…
whose violent thoughts are the only thing that frightens her…
who aches for a mother…a father…
who aches to be loved…
who forgets to be kind, nice, empathetic.
who writes prettiness around the truth, to make it palatable.
who finds forgiveness hard, but knows it kills her…
who …
Oh, yes there is soooo much humanity in this woman.
The Truth…only the TRUTH will set her/us free!
Someone who wants to know and be known by others in a anything but a surface way.
I am a man who has struggled with lust
Dishonesty
Theft
Pride
Lazyness
Meekness (in the sort of cowardly way, not the “inherit the earth” kind of way)
Failure to embrace REAL change
Apathy in my spiritual life
But despite all this I am blessed with a spiritual hunger that will not be satisfied. I pray this hunger overwhelms all my failures and is able to properly convey the light and life of My Jesus.
“We please Him most not by frantically trying to do good, but by simply throwing ourselves at His feet, with all our imperfections, and knowing that He loves us still”. -AW Tozer
Thank you Sarah for your brutal honesty, it is truly inspiring.
I have no idea. Everything’s a jumble…and I’m stumbling along the path trying to figure it out. Maybe that’s why I blog?
I appreciate this post, because as much as we all strive for authenticity, we can’t be authentic because we’re biased. We are authentically who we see ourselves to be, but that is something slightly different to each person we connect with.
You will find a woman who:
feels abandoned by some of her friends
misses her dad who passed away 20 years ago today
hates that her mom is in a nursing home 2000 miles away
is a sinner
yells at her kids when they disobey
feels guilty when she yells at her kids
has so much love for her kids
wants to have joy come naturally, instead of always having to choose the joy everyday
is way too sarcastic at times
loves Jesus and can feel His peace and protection daily
knows there is so much more to her than folding clothes and washing dishes
wants to be loved and accepted
loves music
is addicted to recipe collecting
This is so beautifully written. I have the same mentality about my blog. If it ever becomes a facade where I pretend that i have it all together, I’ll never write another word. Peeling back my own layers, you’d find a woman who’s: insecure, sometimes depressed for unknown reasons, scared of losing her husband to someone else (though he’s never given me a reason to fear that), eats too much, tends to be lazy, and fails to believe in herself. Thanks for you honesty.
You find a woman who wants to be accepted, but feels rejected. Wants to accept but often rejects. Hates conflict, but longs for resolution. There are so many thing I hide that make me who I am.
Who am I? I don’t trust you enough to tell you. I don’t trust
anyone enough to tell them.
Thanks for the reminder to break down the walls.
a women who is so thankful to my hard working husband, but doesn’t always know how to show him
a daughter that desperately misses and needs her mom who is heaven
a daughter that has a hard time relating to her dad, and his new wife
a mother’s heart that would do anything for her sons
has a heavy heart from being misunderstood
tired of pretending I am not shy
loves a good nap and a quiet house
committed to “just keep swimming” from Dory out of “Finding Nemo”
You will find a woman who:
struggles with pride
struggles with thoughts of being “enough”
struggles with being selfish
struggles with being inadequate
struggles with fear of missing the mark
struggles with living for the moment
BUT
walks in forgiveness
baths in God’s grace
practices being thankful for all things
hides God’s promises deep in the heart
seeks God’s healing in the dark corners of my heart
stays on my knees crying out for more of HIM!
STANDS on CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK-all other ground is sinking sand~
I hope you will find someone who is focused on integrity, hope, encouragement,knows the reality that no one is perfect and life is meant to be challenging, Loves the Lord and the word, and is a friend for life committed to the relationship always.
Is a prayerful mom and awesome grandma and hopefully encouraging wife.
Is growing and moving closer to the direction of HIS kingdom with every year passing.
Love this post, Sarah. Your transparency and genuineness challenge and inspire me. The whole social media thing is a tricky issue for me as I try to figure out how much of myself to “put out there” given that I’m a therapist. I don’t want “my stuff” to ever get in the way of what a patient would bring into the room (and the thought of being googled by patients is very much a reality but is quite disturbing). but under (some of) my layers there is someone who:
- is insecure
- is more competitive that she’ll ever let on
- is reminded every day in marriage what a selfish being she is
- desperately wants others to see Christ’s love in her on a day-to-day basis
- is trying to figure out the right balance of being a beacon of biblical truth but not doing so in a way that hurts and drives people out of my life who are making some not-so-awesome decisions
- worries about getting pregnant but fears what will happen if I wait too long
- is embarrassed admitting to all of my crazy-hard-working mom friends how much sleep I actually get (and still feel exhausted after!!!!)
Thanks for being real. You are a huge blessing and touching lives that you’ll never know Mrs. Markley. And has anyone told you to day HOW FREAKNG GORGEOUS YOU ARE?!?!?
You will find a woman who
-sometimes hates her child
-sometimes hates her spouse
-wishes she could just keep walking
-knows she is where God wants her to be
-knows that her life is a challenge because God wants it that way
-has so much in her that she is afraid to open the vault, lest it all come pouring out and she lose herself
-has a tidy house with dirty closets
-hides all that she was and tries desperately to be what is expected
-is disappointed in so many things
-is thinking she might be pre-menopausal, at 40 and hopes that might explain things
-doesn’t make time for herself0
-is just very sad today
-who hates the sound of her husband snoring and wonders if it is wrong to elbow him until he falls out of bed. he is snoring on the couch right now and I feel rage about it
-loves God, loves Jesus, strives to do the right thing and pray and read the bible and homeschools her kids and wants to teach sunday school and volunteer on the homeschool committee and have everyone see how awesome she can be, but is really crumbling from the pressure to be so much for so many.
-actually is enjoying working part-time grooming dogs, because as much as they might bark or try to bite in their resistance, they eventually submit and respect, unlike the human companions.
Some days, this life just seems so hard and I know there are so many that have more difficult lives, but I sometimes just don’t care. My life is hard for me, right now. I am trying to find ways to make it eaasier, but probably can not do that on my own. I should just give it up and pass the burden on. And learn to truly depend on God for everything. Easier to say then to do….
About the snoring husband… My perspective of it all changed when I read a commentary on a woman complaining about her husband snoring. The response was “There are so many women out there who would do anything to be able to hear their husband snore again, but can’t anymore…”. My whole perspective changed on that. Hope that helps you
Just have to say YES! Every once in a while someone will find my blog and read a bunch and then I wonder what in the world they think now? What skewed ideas do they have about me because they have some dots and can only connect them in their minds and make up the rest because that’s what our brains do. We imagine the rest of what we don’t know. And it’s not bad or wrong, just always only a piece of the surface. My broody, melancholy side seems to be the side that emerges when I blog but it’s certainly not all of who I am. Yeah, social media is a crazy thing – especially how it has grown way too fast for any of us to even realize what has hit us and our kids. I especially worry about the teens I know and what I see them posting and wonder where it’s all going to lead… (see what I mean about the brooding?) : ) Thanks Sarah!
On another note – I just read Ann Voskamp’s book and have been profoundly impacted by it and realize you primed the pump for me with your 100 joys series… which is when I started following you… so thank you. : )
Lonely
Needing to have someone call on the phone. NO ONE does. Since we have all these ways of communicating, I’m so alone.
Oh, they don’t mind sending e-mails, FB, texts, but I miss a LIVE voice that cares. I love your blog……so transparent and I need all you have to say and the comments. Means the world to me. Thank y’all.
It’s ok to feel lonely from time to time. Just don’t let it take the best of you! I always remind myself when I feel like my friends don’t care enough- “In order to have friends, you have to be a friend” not just want friends. Sometimes I feel like that’s all I’m doing is “being a friend” with not much care from the other side. But I’d rather be on that end of the spectrum any day than the other of a complacent friend. God bless you! He’s the best friend we’ll ever have!
Thanks, Sarah, for helping us to extend more grace and realize how much we need it too. I could echo so many of the beautiful women above. God bless you as you stay the you He wants you to!
Loved the authenticity of this post. This very idea is ringing in my head lately as we are about to see people for the first time in over a year this summer. The only contact with people we have had is social media, and it’s a little intimidating to think that maybe people will be “disappointed” with the real-version of me. I heard a speaker once say that your “reputation should not be greater than your reality.” And so, I think being honest about the gritty of life on a blog/social media is part of the process of helping the reputation not get too inflated!
Sarah, I truly appreciate your sincerity and the gift of your authentic self which pours so beautifully through this post and your blog in general. And alas, when pulling back the layers of me, you’ll find a woman who has embraced the fact that she is a work in progress and therefore tries to use each day that God graces her to see as another chance to get it it right. Thanks for reminding us what really matters…being true!
I don’t mean to get too deep on you here, but I am so happy to know that when you peel back the layers you find something I find too. Cat throw up. Almost every day. What is up with cats?
Thanks for being honest – throw up and all.
I found your blog from the diary of mama drama and love your post. I think this will resonate with everyone! I think all of us long to be able to be more transparent but, somehow as much as we long for it some invisible force bars us from that. My force is in-laws and their inability to handle my openess as they have even asked me to take posts down….I struggle with this a lot. Sigh. I’m hoping that I can continue to peel back my own layers and get back the joy that was taken from me in the blogging world. IT is my space, my life to be shared as I please and I want to use it how I choose..in love of course! Great post!
I love this post. Because the need for transparency and realness is there, but I think sometimes it goes (we take it) too far, expect that we have to put every single thing out there or we aren’t being genuine. I love what you say: “Let’s make a pact here today that we will give one another some yardage to tell the truth but to tell it as part of a whole.” We are more, so much more, than we write on facebook or our blogs or twitter, and that’s ok–in fact, that’s as it should be.