It’s been a long time since I wrote about my infidelity story.
It’s even been awhile since I spoke about it in front of a group.
I was asked to guest post on this blog today. And typically for a blog like POTSC I would think about writing a “second chancer” post. In essence, the whole WHY I’m a person of second chances.
I’d include my adultery story somehow, my fall and then my restoration.
Instead I wrote about to-do lists, long-term goals, and how I’m learning to forgive myself. It’s grace, perhaps, of a more forward thinking nature. {to read, click here.}
I will never forget or take for granted what God’s done in my life and how He’s changed everything. Absolutely EVERYTHING. But over time I’ve almost naturally stopped talking about it like I used to. Instead of looking behind me, I’m really trying to look ahead.
Once I wrote about a woman who emailed me and told me that she was sick of me talking about my affair all the time {honestly I’m too lazy to do a search to figure out where and when I wrote that post or else I’d link it}. I thought that was interesting because in my opinion, I didn’t really talk about it a lot.
It was merely the story at hand.
It was the story that anchored my thinking, my self-challenges, and what I’d been learning. It was the story that colored the rest of my life up to that point. When someone asked me to tell them my story, I’d take a deep breath, sit back and ask them,
“Are you sure you really want to know?”
Yesterday on the phone a friend asked me about my life and what had gone on with me in the last year or so. So much transition, so much crazy change, and she simply said to me,
“Tell me your story.”
She didn’t mean my big-S Story. The one you get when you click here. She meant, what my story is right now. What the story is that I’m living today, last week, a few months ago. What has brought me to now. The story of leaving our church last summer and finding a new community, of losing our house and finding a new one. The current story of loss and of transition.
That is the story at hand. That is the forward thinking grace.
It doesn’t negate my experiences in the past or cheapen my wisdom. And it doesn’t even lessen my passion to see marriages made whole and women freed from relationships and addictions that bind them to the earth. But each of our “stories” are so much more than our past waywardness.
It’s the children and the job changes and the miscarriages. It’s the sons with Autism and the daughters with learning disabilities. It’s the feelings of failure and loss and transition. It’s the graduations and the weddings and the tears we weep at both.
I’ll still continue to talk, to speak and to write about marriage and about infidelity in the context of my past. But, more importantly, I’m going to write about what lies ahead.
What’s your story TODAY and in the FUTURE? Have you ever felt locked into the past or into a one-story mentality about yourself?
To read today’s post on the People of the Second Chance blog, click here.
To read about and watch a feature on my story of infidelity, click here.
Yes, yes & YES!! I have felt trapped…like I can’t write about anything else. But God has taken my sin and erased it. The scars left are a reminder of His grace and goodness to me. Thank you for inspiring me to talk more about the NOW and what’s ahead of me…I’m goin to go blog about it. I’m not going to stay locked:) I love you Sarah!
so true, Tawni!
Yes Sarah! God has redeemed my past and now the present and the future is becoming so amazing as I continually see Him use my greatest point of misery and failure, as my greatest point of ministry now. I’m so humbled by this and so very in awe of Him!
yeah. me too. thank you so much for your comment Jacque!
I grew up in one of those “you’ll never be good enough” type homes. I was a straight-A student, got college scholarships, etc. but it never seemed to make my mother proud. I’ve battled that mentality for years, and it has taken its effect within my marriage and within any kind of aspiring career. Fortunately, I’ve married a man who pushes me out of it, encourages me and forces me to go after the things that I want. We all have a story. We all have a stronghold. But it’s so refreshing to see people pushing past it and making a difference. And that’s what you do here on your blog.
Wow Courtney. Thank you so much.
Over the last three years, I have felt locked into sharing about my mother’s cancer and death because that’s what I was going through. I don’t regret it. Now things are changing. Grief is lifting after 14 months. I’m beginning to write about the future as best as I can see it.
i’m so glad you are beginning to come out from under that Megan. I’m sorry it has been so difficult for you. thank you so much for your comment.
I thought I knew my story. I did know my Story – the big one, and it did define me for quite some time. And like you said, naturally, its hold over me began to fade. You would think that would be a good thing, a relief, but I wasn’t quite sure what to do with that. I felt lost. I am learning that my identity is in Christ, and while He can and will use my Big Story and my everyday stories, they aren’t what define me – He does.
yes, HE defines us, doesn’t he?
I think it is a sign of growth to move forward and to talk about other issues. As I get older, I am amazed at how different people are at different times in their lives. I am amazed at how different I am (though that is harder for me to see). If our story never changed, we would not be growing throughout our lifetimes.
I cheated on my husband many years ago and we still talk about it daily. We have not moved past it. Our story has not grown and changed with the time, it has become more bitter and ugly. I feel a great sense of shame that we can not move past my affair. Maybe that is our story for now and it is not our time to move forward. I am continually praying for the day we are able to tell a different part of our story.
I pray for growth and change for all of you throughout your lifetimes. I pray for unique stories for you all.
Thank you Carolyn. I will pray for growth for you as well.
i so often feel locked into a one story mentality but am beginning to realize there is so much more to my story than the slice that has been front and center for over 365 days. and as i am exploring the rest of those areas i find myself stumbling in the land of unfamiliarity and am uncomfortable with the new terrain but i keep pressing through. . .one foot in front of the other. . .
thanks for sharing
isn’t all of life like that? one foot in front of the other?? keep going, girl. =)
I definitely have felt locked in place all because of fear. And it’s definitely hard to look past it. I know I often place myself inside the box. It’s hard to talk myself out of the box and try to venture into the world more freely. But I do try, every so often, little by little.
And for you, I think it’s wonderful that you can see the clean pages in your story book ready to be written on. It’s all new and fresh and that’s great!
oooh. i love that.
give me some smooth, clean pages. =)
I feel similarly about grief, Sarah. Many of my blog posts and devotionals for the past two-plus years have centered on my grieving process. I don’t consciously mean to belabor the subject, but when my heart is so heavy with the topic, those are the words that end up on the screen. More and more often, though, I try to put my grief into perspective with God’s future plans and how I [need to much more often] trust him.
i hear you. sometimes its really hard to get out of the big thing that has defined you for so long.
I’m right there with you Sarah. My affair and the restoration of my marriage is what brought me to repentance, salvation, and a deeper understanding of God’s love and grace for me.
But my “story?” That, I want to be lifelong for His glory~~in all that I say, or do, or feel, struggle through, and rejoice over in this life.
Blessings,
Lindsey
i agree Lindsey =)
What amazing Grace and testimony of it that you are able to have other life issues that now define your grace. I am so thankful for you right now. Because it shows HOPE for women that are really struggling, in massive amounts of pain. As you know the pain and lies can be so thick one can think, “it will follow me forever. Forever.”
It’s not true. And your ongoing story shows. There are a lot of chapters left to be written, but Grace is the thesis.
oooh. i love that. grace is the thesis. so good.
Oh, Sarah, yes! I often forget that there is more to me as a person outside of my story. It’s just so big and hard and required every ounce of faith, work, and energy that it becomes all-consuming. Thank you for this permission to think forward.
Great post today, Sarah
I mentioned some friends’ infidelity in a POTSC post from Sunday. It’s a bummer how some people take stuff like that.
Anyway, nice job!
Your blog always seems to write what my heart needs to hear.
Thank you!
I didn’t become a Christian until I was 19 so I had quite the resume of party habits mixed with low self esteem…not good. I felt stuck and not like a new creation. Now, I want to leverage my past to help others see hope and a future. I’m SO grateful for REAL Christians that let their MESS be their MESSage and sister, that’s what you’re doing and I’m REALLY proud of you!
Very good Sarah. We do live in that tension of our past testimony and the future, mixed in with the present – which usually I only can evaluate properly once it’s become the past. Funny how that works. The story I seem to have been tethered to for the longest time is the bitterness and rejection of my teenage years. Years ago when I was in acting class in LA a fellow actor told me I had an “ugly girl personality” and that it surprised him. I was an ugly girl in high school and it still shapes my outlook on relating to the opposite sex, etc. When I was 18 I gave some poems to a friend who could print and bind them, and he gave the originals back to me saying, “I noticed that your poetry is pretty dark and bitter. How are you doing?” I remember being surprised by those adjectives; I thought I was deep and poetic, but didn’t see the forest for the trees about my inner state. I shudder to envision my daughters being filled with such down-trodden thoughts and emotions at such a young age…
I love this post. What first linked me to your blog was the story of your affair. But having kept up with your blog since, there is so much more to YOU, so much more since that event however many years ago. Great perspective. Keep on keepin on with your NEW story, your here and now and future
We all have many different stories to our lives if we look close enough.
Everytime I go through another trial, or time of great change, I chalk it up to “one more story (testimony) to add to the list.”
Sometimes that mentality has really held it in perspective for me and challenged me to go through it with my head up knowing someday I will help someone go through this same or similar thing.
How much clarification God can put into a years worth of changes, huh.
Smiles,
Tracy
I remember commenting on that post, encouraging you that you were more than a story of restoration after infidelity. That story is inspiring and encouraging, but so is what you’re doing now, and what you will do in the future. You have constantly been an example to me of transparency in blogging; whether it’s in your relationship with Chad, or how you’re parenting your daughters, or what God showed you through an ordinary object in your day. Thanks for keeping it real, and for telling your (s)(S)tory.
Sarah,
It has been several years now since I first read your story. I have told you before and I will tell you again, your story has touched my soul in so many ways. You have been such a source of encouragement. I luv ya! You are such a blessing to us.
Also, I checked out POTSC what an awsome site!
HUGS!
God bless you, Sarah! And sorry for that comment that complained about you talking about your story all the time. You help me think, all the time. I love what God is doing, what He has done and you moving into what He is going to do. I can see that too. A lot of my story was about having a daughter with special needs. But she’s 19 now and I keep looking forward to what God is going to have us doing next. Thank you so much, special Sarah!
I really love this, Sarah…focusing on our story for right now. And how the yesterdays led to the todays, and today matters just as much.
My new story is the journey of living my life with more purpose and focus. My story is making time for God so that I can be used by Him to my full potential!
I love how God has used you and is using you. It is awesome.
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