“I feel like I’m allowed to struggle in all areas but in my marriage.”
I sit in a corner of a Starbucks with a new friend and with an instant connection; we share some of our battles.
She says, “It’s why I keep a separate twitter account. I don’t feel that as someone in ministry I can be as open as I want to be about my current struggles.”
Neither do I.
It’s one thing to share about something we’ve overcome in the past. It’s a whole other thing to talk about something that we are still going through.
When we talk about the NOW, the CURRENT, then it almost seems TOO raw. Too real. It’s comfortable to share about how far we’ve come, or to look at someone else’s life and watch the distance between the before and the after lengthen as time moves on.
We smile and say something like,
Wow. Look at how they’ve changed.
Look at what God has taught them.
Listen to the wisdom that time and experience has granted them.
But if someone has a NOW issue, we are repulsed.
Why can’t they get it together?
What is her problem?
She is STILL working through this?
How far does our grace {and God’s grace} extend? Does it extend to the TODAY and the FUTURE? Or does grace only reach back, with long arms, to embrace what has already been?
I don’t feel as if I’m allowed to struggle, in public OR private, in certain areas: one of them being my marriage, because at least in the public sphere, grace only goes backwards. I’m supposed to be the strongest one, the one who’s “been through it” but in reality, I’m still learning every day how to be a good wife.
So I’m working on surrounding myself with strong people who don’t shy away from struggle, who speak truth and who love the before-Sarah, the today-Sarah and hopefully the woman I will be in the future.
I’m going to suggest that we find people {just a handful because we don’t need a lot} that can handle the NOW. People that are strong enough to be grace to us and to be truth to us at the same time. People who are wise in the Spirit as well as wise in experience. I’m also going to ask that we give a wide berth of grace to those who still struggle and who are working through hard things as we speak. Let them experience grace today as each of us so desperately need it too and let us be the ones that change our culture of backwards-only grace.
Do you feel free to share your current struggles with others?
I’m not sure why I am suddenly commenting so often instead of just quietly reading, but I have been considering the same things recently. Living in a Christian college town in a city with 400 churches, at times, if you share your right now struggles, you are encouraged and “loved” but then still quietly chastised for not being spiritual enough to not let it bother you.
However, in one specific huge spiritual struggle for me right now, I have found great encouragement and love and grace in the people around me. Maybe it depends on the issue, though it should not.
i’m glad you are commenting Stephanie! thank you!
My answer to this is “absolutely not,” with most people. I’m too-real, too-much, too-whatever. There’s one true friend who gives me grace to continue having struggles, for she knows her own constant struggles and how it takes *time* to grow. But you’re right and I wish it were different. Folks look the other way at the continued struggle – the Now – and instead just want a fairy-tale story-book *ending* to the struggle – to be inspired. Sometimes being inspired is to keep going, even amidst the struggle, and even when there is struggle it isn’t all wrapped up with a pretty bow and completed. When we allow ourselves to be real – voicing and living our Now of struggling – we’re helping others to See that it’s more than the *then*. (I could say so much more…thanks for pointing this out today, Sarah!)
Thanks for your honesty, Sarah. I feel the same way a lot, and feel frustrated because sometimes it seems we are all little separate islands, pretending that everything is okay, when it’s not. But then we sing songs, preach and say things about Christian love and acceptance. Are we really listening to ourselves as a church? Applying it? Am I? I Timothy 1:15 (Paul) says, “…Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners — of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life.” Christ did/does it for us, we need to show patience and grace to others. It begins with me.
While I certainly agree that “I am the chief of sinners,” I have to say, what are the limits to exposing myself. As a pastor, and hence a very public aspect to my life, I find that current struggles are best left under the radar. Within historic Lutheranism, pastors are encouraged to have a “father confessor,” a fellow pastor who can serve as the outlet for confession and absolution, working through the current struggles of the spiritual life. This seems a better route for me, at least.
A related aspect seems to be, even if I “expose myself to others” regarding my current struggles, what happens in 3, 6, 12, 24 months down the line? By then, say that God has worked in me and brought resolution, how do I deal with the continuing exposure from the “others” who shared in my struggle? Now the circle of “others” requires it to be even smaller. While it may help someone else, how does that affect the “new now” of my spiritual walk?
A guess, more questions…
We have a large family that all lives in close proximity to us, so openly discussing via blog or online interactions struggles in my home life or marriage is much to stressful, even though I’d really prefer to let it hang out. I just want to scream to every new bride I see “There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, its a lie! Don’t let it hurt you!” I find its easier to share current struggles with those who are also struggling or those who are in my same life stage. I’m also from the South, where its not common practice to air what some consider “dirty” (I consider real life) laundry in public spheres. Since my husband has started pastoring, this is especially true! It breaks my heart to see how much limitation churches and beleivers put on ministers families and their openness with struggles!
this is an amazing post, i am so glad i read it, it is what i have been dealing with a lot lately! I am scared to open myself up to those around me, people who love me, people who care for me. I cant discuss anything on a blog, or face book, i have to be careful because i have alot of family members, we are all born in sin and shapen in iniquity, we need forgiveness each and every day. we all need to be reminded each day that he died for us and he will forgive us!
I love this Sarah. Thank you for reminding me today that I His grace is sufficient. And yes, I do want to feel more comfortable sharing my struggles with others because I know it opens the way for them to be real with me.
Very good observation (once again). I do share current struggles with my women’s Bible studies – i go to 2 groups, one is really mature and their responses are different. It’s tricky to do it at the other group which is at the church my husband pastors; I am careful not to disclose something that less mature people could use against him or it would trip them up needlessly. I do have my sounding boards and some of them aren’t local but I have them and that’s all that matters. I have over the years watched the women in our church study group open up and become real, and some have told me how it has blessed them. Others have mentioned what a shame it was that they knew each other all these years without ever knowing some huge issues about each other, that they struggled through alone. It takes time but they’re doing it, they’re learning to open up – but first we had to create a safe place of confidentiality and trust and that took time.
I have three close friends that I can share personally…and it’s not been easy. I’m a stuffer/people pleaser and I’ve stifled relationships b.c I’ve allowed my childhood abandonment noise to quench truth.
This year my goal is to live courageously out loud for Christ and I’ve been doing a rather so-so job.
So-so, sucks.
I want to write about our daughter who’s trapped in a transgendered world, struggling to see Christ in it all. I share with few people about this because I too feel judged.
I want to write about how as the first woman elected to the church board in over 25 years, I feel watched and critiqued…by both genders.
I want to write about how I’m fed up with people saying they’re Christians but have calendars are consumed with building pedigree children for the world, not Christ.
Clearly, I have a long way to go to live out my goal…thanks for giving me the space to experiment here.
The truth is that we never have it all figured out. Never. We are always going to working through, in my case struggling through, something. Life happens in the struggle. Relationships are the struggle. Not some elaborate happy ending.
Do I feel comfortable sharing current struggles? Yes. Some more than others. And usually offline in a safe space.
Wow! Lindsey’s comment is a hard act to follow!!!! “Life happens in the struggle.” I’m stuck on that comment and it makes a tremendous amount of sense! But, Sarah, no I don’t feel comfortable sharing; after having been 38 years Senior Pastor’s wife and we ae retired now; in my private life, trust me, I want to, but my struggle is still there. As far as Grace, my Grace is sufficient, the Lord says and I don’t think we get until we need it and ask for it. Your blogs are just such a blessing!
I can share ‘cautiously’ with great discernment as to whom I will bare my soul to. I have only a few ‘good friends’ and sometimes even they don’t know the hurt in my heart.
I think that we underestimate the spiritual battles that we go through every. single. day. The enemy knows our weaknesses and he knows which one to reintroduce to us and when. We will ALWAYS be tempted with sin in this fallen world. We may become stronger in our resisting of the temptations, but struggles with sin and temptation will be certain. Our hearts are black, and that is a fact. It is He who cleanses us and uses our mess ups for His glory. We have a lot to learn from the struggles you have, Sarah. I hope you do share them. We want to learn. I have a lot of them. I just can’t remember them right now because my memory is the size of a pea.
I feel comfortable sharing in my safe places…and I intentially build those safe places in my life. I like living openly and honestly and probably wouldn’t mind sharing more of my “now” stuff with more people but I’ve learned from doing so that not everyone receives it right and it’s usually better to learn what relationships are safe to share in. I think it’s about discretion.
It’s not always easy to share even in my safest relationships but…in those safe places…its always healing.
Thank you for this today. I am glad to know there are others who feel as you do, as I do.
Why oh why do we despise weakness and miss Christ and how He makes us whole – even in the now? We’re always chasing what we should be, chasing who we will be tomorrow…
I absolutely do NOT feel free to share my struggles with others in any online format. It’s sad, because I WANT to. But because I try to write a blog about encouragement and inspiration, it doesn’t seem like the place to get negative about the setbacks in my offline life. I also know that a few family members, who don’t know the depth of the setbacks, follow my blog and since I haven’t shared with them, it seems like it would be a little insensitive for them to find out on the internet.
I admire you, Sarah, because you’ve been able to “put it out there” in a way that few people can.
You’re right, though, about how we can look at a situation – ONCE IT’S OVER – and commend a person for getting through something. But in the midst of it? We become judgmental. I guess it’s part of the human experience, but boy, wouldn’t it be great if we could be more supportive of one another in the NOW?
I remember a few years ago writing a post to “punish” myself. My idea was that if people could see how mean I could be when I was worn out, they’d hate me as much as I hated myself, and I deserved it. Instead, not only did my cyber friends reach out to me, but I got several emails from people who were like “Thank you! I’m not the only one! Now I can get through this!”. It seems strange how I opened up not for support, but to give myself the whipping I thought I deserved.
My husband and I both blog about our current struggle to rebuild our marriage. Sometimes it is hard and there are some parts of it we don’t write about.
But outside of the blog world there are few we share with. Trusting others face to face with your pain is hard.
Yes! I have had many of these same thoughts. I think you’re right on with saying it only needs to be a couple of friends, because there are those people who want to talk about their struggles with anyone and everyone — not because they want to get through them, but because they are wallowing in them. There’s a difference between walking through your problems with close friends and dragging everyone around you through your dirty wake.
Sarah you are NOT alone! But you sure are wise in your writing and communication skills. Your story and background while bumpy to the world standards, is exactly where God’s want you to be! It can or could have been any of us women.
As Christians we are called to love one another, and sometimes that means being raw and real, but of course our insecurities make us retreat and not share out of fear! (YES ladies we ALL have them!)
But God tell us over and over again “DO NOT BE AFRAID!!!” Why do we fear? Why dont we just rest in his Grace and trust?
You are an amazing woman, no matter the bad days or the past, lets face it we all have one! Keep your chin up and continue teaching women through your own process what it means to be a humble wife, mother friend daughter sister church member leader as Christ has made you to be, BUT not as you see yourself!
God’s view is FAR better of each one of us! Ask him for that view today!
PLEASE publish a devotional book for women someday!! :O)
Have a BLESSED day!
Cathi
Having gone through (and continuing to go through) one of the most difficult times in my life I very much understand what you are saying here Sarah; my husband, Mark of almost 22 years suffered a brain injury in May of 2009, and these days while he can now walk and talk, and for the most part function fairly well, he still has serious side effects from the brain injury, he is considered disabled and probably will be for the rest of his life, he has however tried to go back to work a couple of months ago, but that is not working so well…he has severe daily headaches, and serious issues with his memory which are affecting his ability to do a good job at work, and we all know men need to work that they need to feel like they are providing for their family…and Mark is realizing, but not accepting well at all that working might not be an option for him (our brains are interesting things and when they don’t work right nothing will ever be the same for him ever again…or even for our daughters and myself). Anyhow since most of his struggles (his wounds from the brain injury) are invisible to the outside world we have a whole host of struggles in regards to his continuing health problems, then there are financial issues as a result of his health issues, and then my 39 year old brother Ken committed suicide last year which aside from the obvious pain death can cause anyone, Kens suicide just added a new set of emotions to deal with. As a result of all of this, the church body where we fellowshipped and thought we were loved since 2005 made it very clear that their grace would not (could not???) continue any more into the NOW, so we have been basically dropped like an old hat by them…I have taken our daughters and gone back to the church we went to as a family when we first became followers of Christ, and I am working on healing, however Mark is struggling with trusting others, especially those ‘in the church’ as a result.
I am sorry I did not mean to vomit my life all over the comment section of your blog…I guess I just wanted to say that even though we all have different struggles especially in regards to being real, I so very much understand what you are saying here.
Kelly, my heart goes out to you. Sadly, church can one of the loneliest places ever; I have been there, too. May God grant you special grace and mercy during this time. I pray also that God will raise up the right people for Mark, you, and, your daughters, surrounding you with love and compassion, strength, and wisdom.
Paul wrote: And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
The Lord bless you.
Rich,
Thank you for understanding and speaking words that aide in my healing. Thank you also for your prayers for Mark, myself and our daughters!!! Those prayers mean so much more to me then I could truely express here.
May the Lord bless you as well!
Because of Christ,
Kelly
Kelly…
my heart goes out to you…showing grace hurts…that’s why showing grace is SO Christ-like…and…so HARD to do, even over a short period of time…
we SAY we are running out of time for certain people in trouble, as if is THEIR fault for being in trouble…
MAYBE we are running out of HEART…this is more painful to admit.
we run out of HEART very quickly whenever it is OUR heart we are giving from…but when our hearts are deeply tied into HIS great heart, we can ENDURE…
Jesus doesn’t make it hurt any less, but He makes us more able to live thru it all!
my prayers are with you ALL in your new & hopefully Christ-dependent church family…i am praying already that you will find enduring friendships (new & old) that will be Jesus’ GRACE to you!
‘Dad’
Thank you for your prayers, again they mean so much to me, and even though life has been hard I know the Lord is doing something … it is just so hard when the difficult times seem to not stop … my faith gets a bit weak, but I hold on knowing full well Christ is at the other end of that weak faith.
I like what you said here: “we blame God for His silence, like Job, we can get angry at Him during these “silent” times…maybe Jesus’ silent company is what we need most just then…” that was such a good reminder to me … especially since my husband chose this week to quit his job because he just cannot do it, the emotions on Marks part were and still are difficult for him, and no words I say seem to be helpful to him … and then I worry at Gods seeming silence … thank you again for the reminder that his silence might just be what I need.
Because of Christ,
Kelly
when i was going through a period of completely walking away from God, i asked my mom if she could tell i had gone prodigal daughter on her…again. she said, yes, but that she still saw God in me. She still saw the Holy Spirit at work in days of great sin. That conversation taught me a lot about grace…but it taught me more about trust…
while true faith is about walking the walk, it’s not about what i do. It’s about who I am. God is the one who works in me to will and to do according to His purpose. I need to trust HIS power is working even when others (and myself) are struggling. I need to trust HIS grace will get us through. Trusting is the hard part sometimes.
Wow. Love this. Wise mom, you’ve got.
wow…
i “second” kelly’s response!
sarah’s dad
The problem with writing about problems in my marriage or with my children is that they are people. My kids are on Facebook. My husband didn’t ask to be married to a writer. They deserve their privacy. And I always have the phone and my best girlfriends.
I think people are repulsed by other people sufferings.
As it were somehow contagious.
Quite a few relationships had gone cold after I shared my struggles. I’ve learned to slap on my happy face and go on living.
This is something I have struggled with throughout my years in ministry. Even before I was married I never felt safe to share the things I was working through and dealing with. My only solution to feel safe and to process at the same time was to be in counseling. And now that I am married that is still the case. I recently started a new job at a new church which pushes me more into the “I have to be perfect” mentality. I think as relationships grow they may become ones I can share openly with, but I am also ok with counseling. Paying someone for secrecy and no judgement.
Amen.
PS. If you find that pool of people who are strong and grace-filled and love-filled and wise in Christ, let me know. I’m still looking.
I have a hard time sharing because people aren’t trustworthy or don’t know my husband or just can’t handle it. I don’t want to speak ill of (my frustrations with) my hubs and then people not see the good side of him too, not have the perspective to tell my *I’M* in the wrong, not him. But he is also not interested in forming relationships with people (any people and especially not “my” “church” people). sigh. I used to have a secret blog (I called it my bitch blog – sorry for the swear but that’s all I did there) just so I could vent my feelings in a time when it would not be wise to share such things with my mom or my bible study gal pals. I even went so far as to go to counseling for a bit (when I was pregnant and SUPER hormonal). One of the wisest decisions I made. I would love to find a friend or few where I could have that kind of relationship. But some days, I think God is trying to teach me to just have that with him, that HE is enough and full of crace and wisdom and trustworthy. Unfortunately, I’m having the prob with his lack of flesh.
I also come from the camp of being a PK and not being allowed to share your now issues (or any issues at all, for that matter). So as a sort of backlash from that, and seeing what it did to my parents (like, my mom fears being seen when going to the liquor store to buy a bottle of wine for our Christmas gathering) I tend to not have enough of a filter and be a little TOO transparent. Because I can’t filter or hide, I just have to stay away from my blog altogether.
I also do this about good stuff too, so if we were to get in a story about our sex life, I’d probably tell you more than you ever wanted to know. lol
I struggle with sharing my right-now concerns. I guess I tend to tell myself that I should be able to handle it, rise above, etc. If/when I do share the deep and personal right-now problems, it is with a very select couple of very close friends I trust.
and I think that’s the right way to do it. thank you so much for your comment!
Sarah, this is absolutely brilliant. I’m pretty sure I’m going to quote some of this in my new book as I write it.
Such a good reminder. thank you.
Thanks for your post Sarah. My husband and I talk about this issue often. The grass seems greener on other people’s side because I know my own issues and those of my family but not the issues of the people around me who appear “perfect”. The culture of not sharing the “bad” or “difficult” parts of our lives increases the pressure on everyone. I have made a conscious attempt to be more honest and real with the people around me and to allow those same people to be real. I feel this is healing some of the damage that our culture of perfectionism puts on us.
Your post reminds me to provide others with opportunities to share about what is really happening with them and to give myself the opportunity to share as well. Not every part of my life is appropriate for public consumption or public honesty, but I can usually share a lot more of myself to make more space for me and for those around me.
Great post Sarah! For me this defines my closest circle of friends (i.e., those that I can confidently engage in real life conversations).
This post is just what I needed to read right now. Thank you so much.
Sarah, I read this post early this morning, and started to comment then. Obviously, I didn’t. I’ve thought about your question several times today. A girlfriend and I were discussing this very thing not too long ago. Here’s my answer (forgive me if I’m repeating someone else…I haven’t taken the time to read through the comments): it’s easier to share my current struggles with those who have pasts similar to mine. They know where I’m coming from, and can understand my struggles. You’re right…marital struggles are the hardest to share, especially when that’s the source of the past (because once you’re past the past, you’re supposed to have fought and won that battle). I love that I have a few friends with whom I can be real and share real struggles. We have bonds deeper than most of my other relationships.
I generally never share problems in my marriage with anyone. Unless I am at a point of being so overwhelmed that I just break down with someone I happen to be talking too…not a great way to handle it! Because by then all of it has just been pented up, chewed over several times, rehashed, and then just comes out, as I like to say, as “Verbal Vomit”!
Unfortunatly, when things I am struggling with, whether its marriage or other things in life, I just don’t feel comfortable sharing with anyone. The roll of the eyes, comments of me being too sensitive, or the lack of someone being able to just keep it between you and her. I have also noticed that if I have ever complained about my husband in any way, they tend to look at my husband in such a different manneR, almost holding it over his head, long after I’m over it. Don’t we all go through ups and downs in marriage?
yes we do. that’s the point i think. you are very insightful. I think we all experience difficulties and it’s hard when there is no one “safe” to share them with. thank you for your comment Susan!
I think our nature is to keep struggles a secret but I’m witnessing an act of courage with someone in my life, refusing to keep things a secret and letting the world in on pain. A lot of people are frightened and don’t know what to do. Which is heartbreaking. As well as being willing to be open with our own struggles, we need to learn how to support those who are open with us.
so true, anon. i think this is a real problem. thank you for your comment.
My issue in being vulnerable about Now issues is that I’ve always been the strong one, the good listener, the one people turn to. I was so used to that role that I literally didn’t know how to raise my own current struggles. I could easily talk about the stuff God had brought me through but I came to see the on-going stuff as something I just needed to work through. In the last year, I’ve been much more intentional about opening up- and not just in the crisis moments or the “it’s all built up and I’m about to explode” moments. I’m giving my closest friends the opportunity to do life with me in this new way in which we lean on one another. I never realized before that the only reason they weren’t asking about my problems is because I presented myself as being so together. As if!
No, I don’t feel like I can share my current struggles with others. So many women turn to their mothers for support, but my mother and I don’t have that kind of relationship. I have some really great friends and if we get together I feel like I can share with them, but I hate to call and burden them with my “more of the same.” This is a great topic and one so close to the surface for so many of us.
That’s really changed for me in the last few years. I think the less energy I have, the less I can put into trying to be something I’m not. And as scary as it has been sometimes to just come right out with what is as it is, it’s also such a relief. But I have to say I have been phenomenally blessed to have people accept me. I know that isn’t always the way it goes.
I hope you know, if you’re every “in a moment” when you need to let it out, I’m here. And I’m always on your side.
thank you sara. i know you are. i value you immensely.
I have a couple people that I know I can share my NOW struggles with. Even then I’m so cautious. The fear that I’ll appear that I don’t have it all together. We’re conditioned to believe that it isn’t okay to be broken. But isn’t that where we we find healing and grace.
Not at all. through a long struggle out of a bad marriage and depression, people kept telling me to reach out. I did, it failed miserably – christian counseling nightmares, friends who said “I love you and want to help you through this” but not if it meant making time to actually be there, and a church leader who advised me that maybe i needed either be a better friend or be more open and positive if i wanted people to support me.
I’m thankful for your words regularly, holding me to a God that I can’t seem to feel.
I don’t talk about my struggles because I was taught to tell people I am fine. As a pastor’s child we were not allowed to be open about our struggles. Even if we were fighting we would put on a smile and act like everything was perfect! At home I was also taught to put on a smile. My parents didn’t think that I should act like I was sick or would tell me to “get over it” if I was struggling emotionally. So I don’t know how to be honest without being told to “get over it” and move on.
sarah,
as always, your heart is so great at seeing beneath surface level things…i love that about you…
as i wrote to kelly, showing grace to others…hurts US…
it also costs us time & energy…and gives us even more grief than life is bringing to us already.
we get discouraged.
we quit on our friends…thus we quit on God, too.
which is why i think the scriptures talk about EVERY grace (a gift that is good & perfect) coming FROM the “Father of Lights”…
His scriptures also talk about ALL of our love coming FROM God FIRST loving us…
Jesus alone…provides both love’s example & love’s source.
are the scriptures right? or are they just as c.s. lewis asks, “so much gas?”
i spend way too much time responding to people as if Jesus is not in the room…in doing so, i treat the scriptures as if they are just “so much gas.”
forgive me, Jesus, even now.
thank you for the reminder that Jesus & His grace are indispensable for us to live thru the simplest of real human conversations.
love you SO much,
dad
sarah,
one further thot…from reading some of kelly’s & other’s responses…
silent accompaniment of a friend in need is hugely difficult…and…a GREAT GRACE!
NOT talking…just listening…almost impossible for me to do! too often i spoil these strong moments with my words…
we blame God for His silence, like Job, we can get angry at Him during these “silent” times…maybe Jesus’ silent company is what we need most just then…
He always talks when He is ready, i think.
eh?
love ya,
dad
Those kinds of people your write of I have found to be few and far between. However, when I find one…or two who give me room to be exactly who I am, to not have it all together, or even to fail, they are so precious to my life.
[...] Markley wrote a great post this week - Can You Handle the NOW?, which was the inspiration for this [...]
Sarah,
We just need to stay in something long enough to be normal.
This is the first time in a while that I have been able to stop by. My life radically changed in October of last year, and well, we are still trying to adjust the new normal.
I have felt many of the same things you wrote in your post. I have also wanted to start an anonymous blog, too. But when my son and husband almost died within twenty-four hours of each other. Everything I feared played out. How people responded was amazing. I asked for prayers and God moved through his people, many who I did not know. In the last eight months there have been many struggles I have chosen not to share, but many that I did. Finding that balance is hard for me. Many times when I share, I wonder how people will take what I write. But for the most part, I have received grace in my time of need. May God give you that grace, too. Your writing ministers to many, I will pray that God will guide you. Hugs.