Mel Gibson helped save my marriage.
On January 5, 2004 I sat in a for-church-leaders-only viewing of The Passion of the Christ at Saddleback Church in Orange County, California.
I sat next to my husband, our knees as far away from each other as was comfortably possible in those theater seats. The afternoon before I’d confessed my three-year-long extramarital affair to him so the fact that we were in the same room {auditorium as it be} was a miracle in and of itself.
I stole a glance in his direction. He was uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at me. I didn’t blame him.
I didn’t even know why he had agreed to come. I don’t know what made him want to. If the tables had been turned I’d be halfway to the other side of the world by now.
Even so, here he was. And here I was.
The day before, I’d been arrested, in a way, by the Holy Spirit, I’d made the choice to turn everything around and I’d begun {for the last 12} hours to walk with Jesus. I knew what I’d done was so terribly wrong and I was ready to do anything it took to save our fragile little family.
The lights dimmed and the film began.
As I watched I wept. My heart was so raw from the day before and today, almost as if it had been planned, I was faced with a Hollywood-depiction of what Jesus had gone through for the sins of the world.
Strike that. Not simply for the world, but what Jesus had gone through for my sin. For my adultery. For my lies and disloyalty. For me.
That film, and that winter viewing of it, was a turning point for me and for my husband too. I began to understand the pain that my sin caused and my husband began to understand the flat ground at the foot of the cross. And that we’d all sent Jesus there, not just the ones who’d betrayed their spouse.
It was a long and slow road to healing for us. But as odd as it seemed, the viewing of that film was a marked point in our road back to wholeness. And Mel Gibson, in his far away role, had played a part.
Years later when I clicked through to news reports of Gibson’s rants, DUIs and family fractures I furrowed my brows. I even shook my head.
But I couldn’t dismiss the work that he’d done.
I had lived in an affair and went to church on Sunday. I lived in disloyalty to my husband and tried to squeak out prayers for people. I had worked hard at keeping my real life a secret and, at the same time, called myself a Christ-follower.
And as it turns out, Mel Gibson had lived some kind of double life too: Catholic and family-friendly on the outside and racist and alcoholic beyond closed doors. Nothing worse than me. And really, nothing worse than most of us.
We are very guilty in our society of writing people off. And when we write them off, we somehow write off the good things,
the good work,
the books,
the songs,
and the films that they have created.
A worship leader “falls” into sexual sin and all of a sudden we can’t sing his songs in our churches. A well-known pastor embezzles money from his church so we delete his podcasts from last year because it somehow negates the words we held on to before. Someone we know does something wrong and somehow, we get angry at all the good and true things they have done in the past.
Mel Gibson says some wretched things and says them very publicly, and somehow we wonder why he ever wanted to make that “Jesus film” in the first place.
There is something very backward about this.
Do you agree?
Should we set aside the work that people do after they’ve messed up?
This post is part of People of the Second Chance‘s Never Beyond series.
no we shouldn’t set them or their work aside. i think we often do that because it makes us feel better about ourselves. we forget that they have received the same grace that we have. god loves them as he loves us.
and i think god can use any vessel even “dirty” ones to bring glory to his kingdom.
great post sarah. thanks for being so transparent!
i love that melissa. thank you!
Yes, I agree! That all-or-nothing mentality is so me. And it’s weird. I have come to see that I do divide people in amps of good and bad. How dumb is that. How horrible. I wouldn’t want to learn that someone else has put me in such a box. I guess it helps us navigate, this filing system for the insane. Pretty weak. It took guts to acknowledge this revelation when i had it: some of the jerks at church do or say something true or helpful once in a while. Conversely, some of my adored friends sometimes blow it. Now what? Now my filing system is whacked out. Thanks Sarah. good post.
thanks karin. i love it! your “filing system.”
That’s awesome. =)
This was very powerful, Sarah. Your vulnerability is not a small thing. The question of “writing people off” – oh I know I have. Gives me a lot to think about.
me too. we all have. thank you for your comment. =)
Sarah, first, thank you for always being willing to show who you really our. I know God is using that in a big way.
Second, if we set aside the work that people do after they’ve messed up, we wouldn’t have much left, would we?
Thank you carolyn! and i agree. =)
Once again, you have so eloquently pointed out one of the many weaknesses in being human (I love, love, love your blog, by the way!!)
I think we tend to place people on pedestals (which is where we first go wrong) and when they sin (especially the out of character ones, like what what you mentioned) they fall off and dissapoint us. Our knee jerk reaction is write them off and not forgive. We are so saddned by their choices that we don’t want to recognize anything positive that they have done..because we are only focused on the negative. We are so quick to write them off because they have offended us. The challenge is to forgive. Its a conscious effort on our behalf, but its what we are called to do. And in God’s eyes a sin is a sin…no matter how big or small. And as always, he still forgives us.
Wow, Kristy. Thank you so much. And I agree with you!! =)
Hi Sarah! This post totally touched me. I am listening to you speak at BLOG SUGAR Next weekend and I can’t wait. I think we have more in common then I thought
HUGS my friend.
oh! i can’t wait to meet you. please come find me and say hello! =)
I loved Carolyn’s answer above.
So thankful that He continues to use people (even me) in their broken states for His good.
God bless you, sweet Sarah, and all the good He is doing through you today!
i loved it too. And thank you Debbie. =)
Great post.. so much to think on
thank you Cassi!
Mmm, Sarah, this is big. I wrestle with this, as I consider my own family situation and the reality of living 22 years of my life with a father who lived in two separate worlds. He was an excellent Mel Gibson-type. The revered church-leader and 98% perfect man, even to his own wife and family, and come to find out he wasn’t actually any of that. People tell me to not toss away everything good he said and did, but I look at who he is currently and don’t know how to reconcile it. I wonder where repentance comes in to all of it – how does this second chance thing work for someone who doesn’t want it? Or, wants it unconditionally, without an ounce of remorse for what they’ve done or the life they’re still living. I talk and talk about love and grace, but then struggle every day to show it to the person who has and does hurt me most, personally. These POTSC posts wreck me… in a good way, I suppose.
i love you ash. your heart and everything about you. thank you for being so open and raw about your process.
Thank you for being so transparent. I love what you wrote and I think ANY and ALL Pastors who don’t keep things they know confidential are SO wrong. You are loved and forgiven and you are a most precious Wive/Mom/Person who has a grand job of sharing sunsets, laughter and tears. The songs in your voice, the smile on your face, the smile that isn’t on your face…that’s what true happiness is! You bring so much into our lives. Thank you, Sarah!!!! Be blessed in your speaking to ladies! Yay!
thank you so much Carol!
I just wanted to say that you make a very good point Sarah. I see how these things can happen. we seem to be an all or nothing society. But I don’t think the good should be washed away. The Lord is still working in each and every one of those people and though they made wrong choices, they aren’t and weren’t always the sum of those choices. And if they’re repentant and have wholeheartedly turned from their ways, all the more reason we should chose to see the good, not the fallen choices.
thank you jackie!
“The thing that gets in the way of our love for God is not only our unrighteous badness but also our self-righteous goodness.”
Tullian Tchividjian
It’s our self-righteous goodness that makes us want to jettison the work of others when we learn of their public sin.
Oh and then there’s this: We forget that they have other sin we know nothing about. Just like the ones who throw the stones.
yep. i think we all have a bit of self-righteousness. great comment. thank you!
Sarah, you have taught me through your redemption story that I should negate anything from people who call themselves Christian. I for so long judge and then based my behavior off of that judgement. But I am learning and trying to be more open. To get rid of that all or nothing mentality because the facts are I am just as messed up. My friend gave the message at church yesterday and I am reminded of it through your post today. We too often let our friends/fellow Christian “fall” because we are not removing the rocks and roots in their lives. The seed was planted but we haven’t tilled the land for them to grow. We must stand in front the seed and tell satan “This one is a child of God”.
I want to stop judging and start loving.
well spoken jimmie lee. thank you.
*shouldn’t (not should)
Hey Sara,
I agree with you on the whole let’s not shoot our wounded; but, why would you tell your husband about your extramarital affair? Isn’t that an incredibly selfish way to get absolution for yourself?
go ahead and read my story.
http://www.sarahmarkley.com/story/
I hope you will understand my heart then. if you still have questions, feel free to contact me at sarah at sarahmarkley dot com.
thank you for your honest question! =)
Just read the whole story, thank you for the clarification!
“What have you done for me lately?” is a sometimes overriding question in society. It is applied in most every facet of life – friendships, business relationships of all kinds, motherhood, fatherhood, espousal and I suspect that the list could go on.
We can only control ourselves – with God’s help. I think it behooves us to remember what it feels like to have this standard applied to us before we attempt to apply it to others.
I admit to being suspect of some messages from others when it becomes clear that they were engaging in the same behaviour against which they were raging but that shouldn’t negate the good things which they have done or accomplished…either before or since their “transgression.”
Great post…I admire your honesty and appreciate the opportunity to examine my own conscience.
Wow! What an amazing story, thank you for sharing it.
Yes, I seems like if anyone in a leadership position who falls into sin, we imminently turn against them. But really? Aren’t we no different? We’re just not seen. My my own post for this poster, I ask the question if Mel Gibson wasn’t famous and worked a 9 to 5 job would we still care about what he did? The only reason we know about it or even care is BECAUSE he’s in a spotlight. None of us are innocent in the eyes of God, we’ve all sinned and fallen short. That’s why He sent Jesus in the first place. So he can take our sin from us. Now, I do think that people in the spotlight (especially pastors) need to be more accountable for their actions. But if they repent, and try to bring their lives back in order then we should support them, because honestly, we’re no better.
Thanks again for sharing your story. This is a great way to show how people can have a second chance.
Andrew
I see your point. It’s a very good point. I think fear is the basis for why people throw the baby out with the bathwater. I’m reminded about the sin of ” person” doing the sinning. It’s that reminder that stings. So when I see anything or sing a song or something that only reminds me of that painful experience I naturally want to move away from it. Unless I have fully invested in the health and recovery process. It’s like an emergency room, who would visit one voulentary? We go cause we have to , to visit a loved one or because we are selves are hurt. I’m glad the emergence staff is there to work on it , I’m glad the are well trained. I myself am not trained and I really don’t know who’s in there and I’m sure they don’t need my help. If on the other hand it were my own son I would be banging on the door, crying , askin if I could help. I would be there every day to help with recovery.
Sarah, This is incredible. Thank you so much for sharing. I certainly don’t want someone to write me off for the things I’ve done, and yet I do it to others. My husband had an affair several years ago, and our marriage was restored. I’m so glad your marriage was restored, too. If people wrote my husband off for that one event, they would be missing out on the great man that he is. I think we judge people to justify ourselves, when in fact, Jesus is our justification. Great job on this post!
Such true words. That tendency to throw out everything good and helpful someone has done just because of their sin is very frustrating. And I’ll admit I’m guilty of it at times though I try hard not to be. When I was 13 and home alone, it was a convicted felon breaking into my parents’ house that saved my life when I had an asthma attack. I try to remember that when I feel myself getting a little judgy.
Ann, that is amazing!! What a view.
Stupid autocorrect! *Amy
Thanks! It was definitely one of those odd moments God sometimes brings into our lives.
And I completely hear you on the autocorrect!
Sarah, your comment on twitter got my attention because our worship leader was removed for his mistakes. It kills me because, not only do I know what grace is, but also I know this man’s heart. In all of his flaws, he had an open line of pouring himself out to God and God pouring himself out to him in his music. When he worshipped, it was just him and God and the rest of us got caught up in that as he led. It was raw and beautiful. He was flawed, no doubt, but that’s what made is worship so powerful.
In art, the best work comes from the most painful places. In the life of a Christian, their honesty in art connects us all through our ‘pruned branches’. We all get grafted together in those raw and real places. If God’s strength is in our weakness, then He comes through the most potent from the least ‘qualified’. No amount of sin can trample art that was inspired by Him.
Thanks for sharing this. ~s
such truth. i have wondered often about these types of things … thankfully we serve a God who is not limited by our failures and Whose Name will be made known – regardless of the vessel used. every day when i sit to write, every time i prepare to teach, every moment when i kneel in prayer, my heart rejoices that this is true. i am a very unworthy vessel.
I agree. I want to be the kind of person that can continue to see value in people even after they have come against God. I want to give the same treatment to people that I would want to receive myself. The Pharisees in the Bible were waiting for Jesus to mess up so that they could accuse him and crucify him. I don’t want to be the kind of person who nailed Christ to the cross. I believe in redemption for all and that we all make mistakes. Even mistakes that last for years like your own affair. I have great respect for you, for being honest with your husband, and great respect for your husband for being vulnerable. Sometimes it takes someone to look at us through the eyes of what used to be, in order for us to be able to get back to that place, and grow off of those things that were good and pure and true in our lives. Never stop believing in change. Thanks for your awesome post.
Powerful post. Thank you Sarah for reminding us of second chances.
Wow, Sarah…awesome post. Thank you for sharing such an intensely personal story with us, to illustrate that no one – not you, not Mel, and not me – are EVER beyond or past deserving the most beautiful and inexplicable gift that God gives us: grace.
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and openness – some great points here: “A worship leader “falls” into sexual sin and all of a sudden we can’t sing his songs in our churches. A well-known pastor embezzles money from his church so we delete his podcasts from last year because it somehow negates the words we held on to before. Someone we know does something wrong and somehow, we get angry at all the good and true things they have done in the past.” So very, very true!! I have a dear friend who had been living that double life and I have watched her life fall apart around her. But I’m determined to show her God’s grace and mercy because I know He will bring beauty from the ashes and be glorified in her life! Your story helps to show that!! Thanks!
You sound like a good friend indeed. And by supporting your friend as she rebuilds, who knows how God might use you in her life to help bring beauty from ashes, as you put it?
Thank you for sharing…. this is just another reminder for me that not a one of us has it figured out – not one. It’s only by grace and humility that we make it in this world. You are brave. I admire that.
I had a conversation with a friend once about how she struggled to listen to Jennifer Knapp’s music now. I was actually so baffled that I was not incredibly sensitive to her struggle. I am not a universally abundant well of grace by any means, but this wasn’t an issue that bothered me at all. “Why would the fact that she’s gay mean she didn’t mean those words she wrote? And even if she didn’t mean them or wasn’t qualified to say them, does it make them untrue. I can worship God with the words of a sinner, I do it every day.”
If rocks are qualified to cry out in worship to God, then a sinner should be just fine.
“Some indeed preach Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. The latter do it out of love, knowing that I am put here for the defense of the gospel. The former proclaim Christ out of rivalry, not sincerely but thinking to afflict me in my imprisonment. What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed, and in that I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice,”
Phil 1:15-18
Sarah Elizabeth, I fell in love with you just for your statement, “I am not a universally abundant well of grace by any means”. That is classic! But also, your scripture quote was right on. Can’t be arguing with the Word.
amen & amen!
sarah’s dad
No we need not write off people I have done it in the past I guess because I was better then them but I’m no better then anyone. I have sin that’s the same as Mel, you or anyone. I lived your story when i read it in Cindy Bealls book it touched my heart then and now. Its funny how God knows what is happening and how He knew you would reconcile with your husband through this movie. We have no idea how our lives will be but He always knows. For writing off people I think of Chris Beall and his addiction to pornography and how his church pastor and the whole could have written him off for what he did instead they helped him and encouraged both Cindy and Chris and they moved forward in their pain and God did amazing things like you in your marriage. I’m so grateful and humble that God gives us all second chances, for hope and redemption.
well said sarah.
we absolutely SHOULD NOT put aside the work the Spirit has done through an individual because of their present sin.
we should instead have grace for that individual. we christians ought to know that we are a threat to satan, and he takes pleasure in undoing us.
when i think of mel (or other individuals whos sin has gone public)i pray for him to live in the Truth he knows, and in the grace we all need.
Sarah, thanks so much for writing this and sharing your story. It really impacted me deeply…
Putting those people up on a pedestal was a choice we made, not them. They chose to do a good work, and fall into sin. They chose.
It isn’t up to us to seek out flaws in others. It only reinforces our own need to hide our own when we do that, instead of seeking the transparency and vulnerability that comes from grace.
It saddens me when people ‘throw the baby out with the bathwater’ because it misses the point so very much. If Jesus could extend grace to the woman being stoned, to the thief next to him, to Pilate, who are we to deny grace to people just because they’re famous in their highs and lows?
We’re so guilty of this, especially in churches. But the truth is if we stuck everyone on a shelf who had made mistakes, big mistakes, there would be empty churches.
I think we Christians sometimes forget that God used people like David.. Paul.. I mean almost all the people God used and loved most were high-octane sinners. (ha!) The one thing they shared was a true love for God and a truly humble heart before him. I personally think God chooses to use the most broken because then no eyes will be on the ‘person,’ they will be on GOD’s glory instead! Less chance to idolize a personality, more glory for God.
I think we Christians sometimes forget that God used people like David.. Paul.. I mean almost all the people God used and loved most were high-octane sinners. (ha!) The one thing they shared was a true love for God and a truly humble heart before him. I personally think God chooses to use the most broken because then no eyes will be on the ‘person,’ they will be on GOD’s glory instead! Less chance to idolize a personality, more glory for God.
Wow! Thank you for this post, and for your bravery & honesty! Very well said.
Amen! I am SURE that the ministry leaders we look up to have their own share of sin behind closed doors. We just don’t see it. We listen to their sermons every week at church, or on TV.
We serve a PERFECT God. His word is PERFECT.
We just need to learn how to receive PERFECT information from an IMPERFECT vessel.
This truth/practice set me free years ago. I no longer get let down, or judge, when I see the sin/imperfection in others.
-Amanda
)
God SO loved the
(very nasty & filled with way-broken people)
world
that He GAVE
(a free choice)
His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON
(the very best He had)
so whoever
(that means ANYbody)
believes in Him
(grabs onto Jesus with everything they have)
should NOT DIE
(will NOT face either God’s wrath and/or His forever absence)
but will have EVER-lasting LIFE
(the Life that IS & comes only from God, Himself)!
sarah, you bless me SO much!
love you,
dad
Thank you again Sarah for reminding us that we ALL have/and do sin
everyday. That’s just one reason I am so grateful the His mercies are new everyday. I have prayed for Mel Gibson as I see he was able to reach so many peoples lives with the movie and I believe the enemy did not like that. God uses broken,sinful people. We need to be so careful to not judge. We don’t often see the whole picture. I for one am very grateful for second chances. Keep sharing Sarah, you bless my heart.
Your post reminded me of somone who had a huge impact for christ in the late 60′s. I watched a documentary about lonnie Frisbee from Calvary Chapel In So. cal. Hundreds of people sitting on the cliffs by the ocean(hippies mostly)hearing the word and getting baptized. It was well known that he had many demons he battled with. I remember finishing the movie and being conflicted about his ministry. A good film that fits this topic.
Would Jesus disregard a person, their work, their passions, their skills because of sin? We have somehow got to begin being more like Christ, seeing people through His eyes. Sin isn’t good. Jesus doesn’t like sin, but Jesus paid the price for sin, He forgives us all. I wish the Body of Christ in large would have more grace for one another, more forgiveness and mercy. We are, after all, supposed to be His Body.
this reminds me so much about how i feel about the song ‘healer’ and the story behind it. God uses even {or especially} the ugly and broken mistakes we make and turns them into beautiful. and that “Jesus movie” is no exception. . .
i know. i was totally thinking about that song when i wrote this.
I am a bit wrecked by this post today. So much to think about.