First, let it be known that I am not the foremost authority on child raising. I’ve been a mother for a decade but I make big mistakes on a daily basis. Maybe we all could fill chapters with our parenting failures, but please know that I might be worse than most.
But I love my children, I adore them in fact, and I often think about how I can be a better mother. One thing I’ve been thinking about lately is how, in this Christian world where many {if not most} of us cannot help but lean toward a holier-than-thou, legalistic attitude toward faith and practice, how on earth do we raise children in a healthy, open way but still teach them truth?
I honestly wonder and have been putting off this post for months because I really don’t know.
A few years ago our girls had some interaction with another Christian family. Their brand of faith is a tad more conservative than ours, and while we’ve never had big issues with each other in the past, the tension has always been clear.
As the girls were playing with their children upstairs, the adults at the kitchen table heard their conversation get low and almost quiet. Then we heard a whine and a yell that could only be the beginning of a tattle.
“MOM!” one of their boys raised his voice so we all could hear it in the kitchen. “She’s talking about HALLOWEEN!!”
My girls appeared at the top of the stairs, confused looks on their faces, obviously wondering what wrong they’d committed by discussing fairy costumes and princess tiaras. The other little boy, a pinch older than my oldest, proceeded to “instruct” the group why Halloween was evil, why it was wrong to dress up at all and why they shouldn’t even talk about it.
I can do a great poker face but it was almost impossible to hide my surprise. My girls had never run across any other children with such strong feelings about Halloween and I’d never known that this was such issue in this family.
“Oh, honey.” The other mom began, obviously embarrassed. “It’s okay. Just play.” And as she shooed all the kids back upstairs, her little boy frowned, crossed his arms and reluctantly went back to play with my kids who were most certainly heathens.
My only thought {which I did not share with this other family} was that I had no idea children could become legalists at age 8.
I’m not relaying this story to share a judgement on the parenting style of this family or even that particular child, but it helps me in wrestling with this question: How do we raise children, and while teaching them the truth, help them to become grace-filled and loving? Basically, how do we raise kids to love Jesus but help them to side step legalism?
It is possible I’m over simplifying this, but I believe it is by example.
The other day in the car my ten-year-old asked me that famous Bible vs. Science question all evangelical children eventually ask: Is the earth really billions of years old and did God really create the earth in 6 regular days?
I thought I knew the answer to this when I was ten. I was sure of it. I’m not so sure any more.
And I was honest with her.
“Well honey. Many Christians believe God created the earth in 6 regular days and many believe it was 6 ‘days’ that lasted a lot longer than that. And some Christians believe that the earth is very very old and some believe it’s a lot younger. I don’t know. I think it’s a question that is a good one and we may not know the real answer until we get to heaven.”
Was I copping out? No. I believe I gave her an honest answer. The Bible is very clear on a lot but also unclear on a lot.
She got it. I know she has this burning feeling to KNOW, but she understood that some things are, well, hard to understand and we don’t have all the answers and that we have to have a measure of faith when it comes to certain things. I do believe in only giving children what they can understand at their age level knowing full well that children mature from a concrete acceptance and understanding of the world to a more abstract one as they grow.
But the lesson here was that we know some things, and we don’t know others. And if we under gird it with faith that God loves us and we must live like Jesus, then not knowing everything is alright.
It has to be. Because I don’t know a single adult who actually does know it all.
Like I wrote about on Monday, I’ve gone through a whole life battling legalism and I think that I’ve landed not where I’m immune to it, but in a place where I hope that I’m becoming a lot more balanced. I’m making parenting mistakes every day {and learning from them} but I hope I’m at least getting this part of it somewhat right.
I’m sure my kids might wave the legalism stick once in awhile in their lives, but maybe {hopefully} they won’t have has much of a struggle as I have had.
What do you think? How do you keep teach your children the truth while helping them to side step legalistic ways? Do legalist parents breed legalist children? How do we, as parents, succeed in this area of parenting?
I am loving these posts.
My mother was raised in a seriously conservative church and I grew up in a very legalistic environment. I’m fighting through the self-imposed, man-made laws that have been burned into my head. Instead, I’m looking for the grace I’ve heard about–but rarely thought applied to me as well–to share with my daughters.
Legalism is such a hard line. I truly believe legalism is in the heart of the beholder. If someone chooses to avoid Halloween based on the convictions that God has given them, and they seek to do it only to honor God, and not merely to follow a set of rules, or worse, believe their actions make them righteous in some way, that’s when you’ve crossed the line into legalism.
It becomes harder when you try to put these things on other people. I think it’s fine if people decide to avoid certain things or whatever in order to honor God – but I also think we must be careful not to put unclear precepts on to other Christians.
We don’t do Halloween and we don’t do Santa Clause. But we don’t think less of people who do, and we teach our children the same. That is our personal decision. We don’t think we’re any better than anyone else or think were in right standing with God for doing so.
As far as Halloween goes—we’ve heard many different takes on why participating is a good idea, and they may be true and even effective. But it’s one of those things we choose to err on the side of caution.
The point is, on things not directly addressed in the Bible, just go to God and love others who choose differently. It doesn’t mean one is right and one is wrong. It just means we’re different how we walk out this faith-love.
Blessings, Sarah!
I am that legalistic parent! I wasn’t saved until age 27, and dove headlong into a legalistic lifestyle which I drilled into my three children’s heads . . . we don’t do this, we don’t do that, we don’t associate with those people . . . you know the drill. Only by God’s grace, my children today love Him freely and radically — and they, in turn, have had a big influence in showing this mama what “real Christianity” is. And they have been incredibly forgiving toward me and how I brought them up.
If I had it to do over, I’d focus on Jesus instead of “works.” I’m not trying to oversimplify it, but I know in my heart that had my own relationship with Him been deep and real, everything else would have fallen into place. I could have taught them that when we do make choices about what to do and what not to do, it’s all out of love for our Savior and a desire to magnify Him above anything else.
Thank you for writing from your heart, Sarah. Your transparency is a blessing!
A legalist until a few years ago, I’m now trying to “undo” some of what I taught my children early on. For instance, I too used to “know” how old the earth was, and proceeded to pass that belief along to my children. Same thing with alcohol…which I used to believe was straight from the pits of hell.
The funny thing is…I think it’s easier to teach legalism than it is to instill grace…maybe because life seems a little easier when we have to follow a checklist than when we have to trust God with the outcome.
“…I think it’s easier to teach legalism than it is to instill grace…maybe because life seems a little easier when we have to follow a checklist than when we have to trust God with the outcome.”
This is so true! I also am having to un-teach some things I have taught my children in the past. The sad thing about legalism is that we never truly grasp the true meaning of grace and if we don’t know grace, we can’t extend it to others. Let me drown in grace!
Thanks, Sarah, for sharing. As a recovering legalist, I found that being around people who weren’t legalists and who could show me how to love at a new level was key for me. As far as the children question, I think legalism is sometimes nurture and also sometimes nature. Case in point, I have a dear friend who is the kindest, most grace-filled person I know. She is loving toward everyone and you feel better just being around her. Her daughters, however, are major legalists. (We’ve had the same Halloween situation happen with them as well as pointed questions about why I wear make-up and bright-colored clothing.) I’ve been around them a lot and this is not something they have learned from her. Sometimes I think that that legalism is part of our child’s sin nature coming out. It’s pride, it’s insecurity – it’s a whole host of things – that the Lord, in all of His kindness, will root out of them as they mature. I would be willing to bet that under those little legalist hearts are spiritual gifts, which if cultivated properly, will reveal some kids who grow up to be amazing administrators, prophesiers, and perhaps teachers of the Word. So with all that said, I think our responsibility as parents is to identify those things that come out of our children that are both nature and nurture and teach them how to intersect with God’s grace so that he can use their personality and bent and gifting in a way that glorifies Him without condemning others.
I think by being open about what you don’t know, Sarah, you’re already doing it – avoiding legalism getting into your kids’ minds or hearts. Legalistic people tend to have this aura that they know it all and all questions are either settled or shouldn’t even be asked. I know from my grandfather – the only male in the household where I was raised – how impossible it was for him to admit ever not knowing something, or having been wrong. I love the freedom of having the humility and strength to say, “You know what? I don’t know the answer to that question. But that which we do know, we live it.”
Great question Sarah! I raised my 4 children like this…I like to keep it simple. I feel that as long as #1 they know and have a relationship with Jesus and #2 they know that Jesus loves others and that that covers anything others may believe or act, right or wrong, and #3 that when we don’t know something we just need to pray and ask God! And if there is something we don’t get an answer for we just need to trust God and believe that we will someday. As long as they have a good foundation and relationship with the Lord, you can trust that God will take care of the rest. Love this verse ~ Proverbs 22:6 ~ Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.
I too struggle with legalism and those things that are just ingrained in me. I have to say there is a line somewhere. There are things that are definitely black and white and there are other things that are not so clear. And this is where I struggle, where is that line? I do want to be clear with my children about what is morally accepteable for our family, but I want them to accept others who may not feel the same way that we do. I often have to stifle the legalism in me and decide if its important enough to even wory about. Hmmm… such a tough one
Thanks Sarah!
Wow. It’s a fine line we (yes, all of us) walk between lesialgm and grace. Like a tightrope. This post is humbling. It’s an honor to pray for you.Oh, and this is something that I never realized, as often as I’ve read John 4 as bizarre as it was for Jesus to tell His disciples He HAD to pass through Samaria (where no Jew with a brain in their heads would venture), He also sends them into a Samaritan town to buy lunch! I never picked up on that. I learn so much from you. Thank you!!
So many good thoughts and desires here. It is obvious that you are trying to be a good mom! Keep up the good work!
When I am in a situation like you were in, it is a reminder to me that I don’t want to make someone feel the way you felt. I have tried to remind my kids of that too.
I really don’t think that little boy was necessarily a legalist. He was just repeating what he has been taught. At that age, all they know is what they have been taught. It is still just a matter of “right and wrong” to him at that age. It’s hard to separate the child, who is only repeating what his parents have told him, from the parent…who may be legalistic in some ways.
To a certain extent, we all struggle with legalism…thinking that something we do or don’t do will find us favor with God. Feeling self righteous. On this side of heaven, we will never get away from that.
My children are college aged, but we continue to have this discussion…encouraging each other to extend grace to those who think differently than we do, remembering that in a year, we actually might be led to think differently in certain areas. God is opening our eyes all the time.
We need to show them and those around us grace too. And then explain what it means so they understand.
I remember asking my mom whether there were really aliens…Her response: “I don’t know, but if they do exist, then I know God made them.” It’s been probably 2 decades or more, and I still remember that. There are things we don’t know, but we know Who God is and What He is like.
This is a tough one, Sarah. I just try to teach my kids about “difference”.
They asked me why Jewish faith doesn’t believe in Christ but ours does. Geez…how was I supposed to answer that?
http://irishtripletsrecovery.blogspot.com/
Legalism is the theology that salvation is earned by works rather than grace. It is strict adherence to the letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law.
The law of God wasn’t bad. The fact that man couldn’t live up to it without His grace enabling them was. Jesus came, not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it. (Matt 5:17) And in fulfilling it and giving us access to grace, He enables us to live life beyond what keeping the law would have ever looked like. The sermon on the mount is Jesus casting vision for this higher standard by telling the people that “you have heard ____ through the law but I am telling you _____”. Grace doesn’t lower the standard, it raises it because we have the help from God enabling us to “be perfect as He is perfect.” (Matt 5:48)
In order to raise kids who understand and embrace grace, I think that we have to model it for them. My children see my faults, but they also can watch as I access grace to look more and more like Christ everyday. They begin to understand the power of grace as they watch it enable their parents to live victoriously.
As far as works and grace is concerned, the Bible is clear that the two are inseparable. It is grace that saves us, but it results in works that evidence that salvation. If you were to give a tree a dose of nutrient rich food, the roots would be receiving the life saving formula but the fruit would evidence what took place. Just the same, works reveal what is happening in our hearts.
If our children catch that revelation then they will understand that what truly matters is the issues of the heart. And as their hearts look to Christ as the source of salvation and grace, they will be able to step into their own personal relationship with God in which they will draw standards and lines in the sand for themselves.
Sorry to be so lengthy. You might say that I am a little passionate on the subject. =)
Wonderful! Jamie, I’m passionate about the subject of grace and appreciate, and greatly inspired by your comment! The heart growth, understanding and receiving the empowerment called grace has a by-product of all the fruits of the Spirit.
That’s the struggle we all live, openly and authentically. We are weak, but He is made strong in our weakness. Our ‘receiving’, ‘listening’, ‘turning towards Him’ is the part we play, and He is at work in our hearts as we welcome Him in humility. I am constantly learning more and more about His work in my heart, the by-product is a life well-loved to overflow that love.
Absolutely! I’m also passionate about the subject. I was raised in a legalistic church/home and held onto it through Bible College and into my twenties. Since having kids I feel like my eyes have been opened more and more to grace. Grace based, gospel-centered parenting is still a little foggy for me honestly, as I’m still working through how it all looks on a practical level. I wrote a whole series on it called Gospel-Centered Parenting on my blog to help me work through it. Such a huge issue in the church today. I think legalism is often the default setting in parenting for many believers.
I comment with trepidation. My middle daughter was the one cornered by her cousins telling her that she was going to hell because she read/loved Harry Potter. The mama bear in me thought that was BS.
I am surrounded in SoCal by perfect Christians. I so fail. Every day there is something about me that doesn’t stand up to Christ’s standard (like thinking what the cousins did to my daughter was BS!) so who am I to judge those around me? Having personal standards and passing judgement are two very different things in my book.
Honestly, Melanie, I don’t measure up either. Then again, NO ONE does.
Our family just changed churches because we were tired of the legalistic, albeit apathetic, attitude of the majority of the people in the church we were attending. We as Christians (and I group myself there because I have been very guilty of this in the past) have created way too many rules for living a Christian life and it has completely turned off so many people. These rules have absolutely nothing to do with the Gospel and it is sad.
Guilty! I’m guilty of legalism to highest degree, I forced it on my children at an early age not because that is how I was taught, but how my husband felt the children should be taught. Through the years I witnessed the negative impact that it had on my children, thank goodness they have forgiven me and we were able to move forward together… my children and I. My husband on the other hand believes in legalism to the tenth degree and has become so overbearing it’s caused issues within our family. Currently, we are a “divided house” with no common ground to be found. On a positive note my kids matured into happy well balanced adults and amaze me each day!
You sure have struck a nerve here, especially among all of us recovering legalists! Like many of the others, I tried to raise my kids with a strong sense of right and wrong. Things were black and white. Frankly, I think most of my parenting was grounded in fear–fear that my kids would sin in horrific ways and suffer terrible consequences.
And the only thing I know of that drives out fear is perfect love. I can’t love my kids perfectly, but God loves me perfectly. I think the more I know of His love, the more I can trust Him to equip my kids to navigate ambiguity in a fallen world.
I think if I’d spent more time, as a parent, simply being with God and soaking in His goodness I would have been more comfortable on my knees in His presence on behalf of my kids.
The other thing I would say is that, whether as parents we err on the side of being too legalistic or too easygoing, somewhere we’re going to get it wrong. I’ve had to ask my kids to forgive me for some of the things I got wrong. When we model for our kids things like repentance and the reality of forgiveness we teach them the most important thing–hat the gospel is true.
I’m only a very new parent (like it barely counts yet – lol) but I love that you’re transparent in your successes & failings Sarah. Thank you.
Have you read “Loving Our Kids On Purpose”? If not, I’d highly recommend it. In a nutshell, it’s teaching kids to manage their freedom, recognising that control (either by parent or child) is not healthy, and creating heart connections with our kids that last a lifetime. Easy to say, harder to relearn all we’ve known in relation to parental models, but worth the investment!
I think one of the ways I’ve tried to combat this in the lives of my kiddos is by showing them how many different kinds of paths in life there are, and how there isn’t always just one right way. Of course when it comes to salvation, we believe there is one right way, but that doesn’t discount that others have chosen another path, and that they have reasons for choosing the way they do.
So to show them, I try to live my life in such a way that I am interacting with others who have made different choices than I have made. For example, we do foster parenting. Something you probably don’t think about when you think of fostering is how much your family becomes involved in the birth parent’s lives. My kids know all about our birth mom and her life choices and yet they still say that they hope she can do what needs to be done to get her child back home (they are 6 and 7 almost). A lot of people may choose to show their real feelings for the birth parent and her choices in front of their kids(such as disapointment or disillusionment at the situation), but I try to guard my thoughts and my tongue and be as gracious as possible about that so that my kids in turn will be the same way. So far, that method is working for us!
I think when you grow up knowing only one way, you tend to think that is the only way. When you grow up recognizing that there are many paths to take, you are more open and less legalistic, but you can still maintain your personal convictions about things as well.
These were my self-check-questions from last year’s “Halloween” post…but I think they apply to most areas where Scripture is not completely crystal clear.
So how do we decide about Halloween?
We look to God’s Word (though as you’ll see below, even among Christians who truly recognize God’s Word as the Ultimate Authority…there is disagreement about this decision).
We honestly analyze our own motivation (self-deception is such a comfortable mask to slip on).
We choose humility over pride (knowing that we are a work-in-progress and God often convicts and changes hearts in His own timing).
We seek out wisdom from godly men and women (while acknowledging that no one is infallible and that God’s plan for each family or person may be different when it comes to matters-of-the-conscience).
We pray and ask God (with a sincere heart and listening ears that are ready and willing to obey).
We give grace to those with differing viewpoints (realizing that godly men and women fall on both sides of this discussion and that it isn’t an issue critical to salvation).
We seek God’s glory (above our own traditions and comfort levels and fears and needs).
My prayer for us and for those considering this dilemma is that these would be food-for-thought, but above all else, that honoring God and living as light in the midst of darkness would be our true aim. And as always…
What is the best safe-guard against false teaching?
Beyond all doubt the regular study of the Word of God,
with prayer for the teaching of the Holy Spirit.
The Bible was given to be a lamp to our feet and a light to our path (Psalm. 119:105.)
The man who reads it aright will never be allowed greatly to err.
~ J.C. Ryle
God is removing my pride and self-idolatry, and in so doing is making me see that I am not as great as I thought I was. The enemy is having a hayday with this. The biggest lie he is trying to burn into me is that I am messing up my kids. While God is in the (seemingly slow) process of “fixing” me, I am messing up my kids so bad that one day they’ll either write a book about me or be laying on some Dr.’s couch explaining how I destroyed them. I was praying about it and God gave me this…
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: on the day I cleanse you from all your sins, I will resettle your towns and the ruins will be rebuilt. Ezekiel 36:33
There’s now peace in my heart that my God and His extravagant love for my children is bigger than my faults.
Sarah, this is another great post. I love the way you answered your daughter’s question about the earth. Giving her the information and showing her it’s okay to not have all the answers. There are so many things we won’t have clarity on until we see Jesus face to face. I struggle with this too and most recently it’s been over discussions regarding homosexuality. While I really want to teach my kids the whole spectrum of God’s word on relationship (friendships, families, strangers) and sexuality, I want to teach them the importance of loving, caring and respect to people who make choices they may see as inconsistent with scripture. We are all in process and I think it’s an important life long lesson in humility to regard others more than we regard ourselves. Jesus is at work in your daughters as much as He is at work in that little boy and clearly they are on different parts of the road. We see that same relationship in many of our own adult friendships and we have to trust God to be in the process with each of us.
love this discussion…
i think “legalism” is an invisible, gravity-like force that is one of the Enemy’s greatest weapons…
it steals grace from us a millimeter at a time…all the while leaving us often with a feeling of having truly & finally mastered the walk with Jesus!
so we feel good in the middle of a creeping cancer-like walk toward the death of believing ourselves superior towards others…
like fish cannot see the water they’re swimming in, so we so often cannot see the subtle creeping loss of God’s GREAT Grace from our hearts…
one person’s grace can become another person’s legalism…especially when one tries to “enforce” their “brand of grace” upon the other.
even our proper hatred of “legalism” can become a new standard for a fresh brand of legalism…that no one yet recognizes for its quiet camouflaged deadliness.
true safety here…is found only in deep, constant conversation with Jesus & His people (like right here)…making room for the HOLY Spirit of God to convict us…to point us to Jesus again…to talk with us as we struggle in…and…with His GREAT Grace!
love you, dear daughter…love these people!
from the sound of your hearts on this “virtual paper” you all long to belong to Jesus more & more!
all my love,
dad