“I’ve been meaning to tell you this for years: you’re the worst mom I’ve ever met.”
I had a dream someone told me this. It was someone I knew. And who knew my kids. In the dream, I stood up, and with a visceral rock in the pit of my stomach, I turned around to confront her.
I was going to say, “But I’m a good mom.”
But it never came out. I just stood there, like you do in dreams, naked or with concrete feet. But in my case, a tongue that wouldn’t form the words.
But I’m a good mom echoed in my heart and in my brain but never made it out of my mouth.
In a dreamstate, the thought comes quickly. But I’m a good mom. But now, here, in the middle of the week, the middle of the mess, the thought is as far away as the Alaskan wilderness is to a Southern California suburban girl. Not only does it not pass my lips, but it rarely comes to mind.
I realized recently that I nearly constantly live under the belief that I am not a good mother. I continually assess my performance of motherhood based on my children’s behavior, on the cleanliness of my home and my daily tolerance/anger level. And if my kids are running through the church lobby, if I dodge the piles of unfolded laundry in my bedroom and I’m teetering on frustration every afternoon I automatically assume I’m a bad mother.
Which is pretty much every day.
The weight of a hundred not-good-enough’s rests on my shoulders every morning, and the suffocation of a thousand you-yelled-too-much’s sits on my heart every night.
But I’m a good mom.
But I’m a good mom.
How do I know? How do you know if you’re a good parent? Is it better if we gauge it in how many dollars in therapy bills they rack up between 25 and 40 rather than if they keep their 4th grade backpack clean or messy? If they get divorced some day? If they give us grandchildren? If they take care of us in our old age?
So if it’s impossible to know the future {I won’t be able to tally the therapy bills until 2042} and it’s unreasonable to base my worthiness on the good or bad behavior of my children, on what should I base my good or bad mother status?
Or maybe there shouldn’t even be a status at all?
Granted, there are in fact bad mothers. There are people who are are ill equipped to be in charge of children at all and ones who put their children in the way of harm.
But I think, for the most part, most of us who believe we are bad mothers aren’t actually bad mothers.
We tuck our children into bed at night. We tell them “no” to too much candy and “yes, have a banana.” We read them books and go to the library when they need new ones to freshen their minds. We love them and hug them and we tell them we are sorry when we’ve made mistakes. We do our best to love their fathers well and we do our best to give them the best kind of childhood we know how. We ask them to pick up their shoes and make their beds because they’ll grow up someday and need to keep their areas tidy. We give them crayons and paper and the room to be creative. We ask them to be respectful and we ask them to brush their teeth.
We love our children and with our flawed, finite hearts we do our best to be the best kind of parents we know how.
And we try very, very hard.
Yes, there might be yelling. There might be lack of follow through at times. And there might be the McDonald’s drive through for the 4th night in a row because “Mama is just too tired to cook tonight.”
But even with all of that, we still aren’t bad mothers.
We simply aren’t.
I believe we need to stand up today and say out loud:
I’M A GOOD MOM.
And then we need to turn to our neighbor and tell her, YOU’RE A GOOD MOM. We need to affirm one another in our mothering, because in our human, imperfect mothering, we are still good parents.
Our kids WILL need therapy. There isn’t a doubt about that. But my success as a parent shouldn’t be based on that or anything else as silly as that.
Maybe instead we should base our success or failure as a parent on a few other things: our love for them, our availability to them, our willingness to ask for help and our attempts at becoming better in our jobs as parents.
So say it out loud today. I’m a good mom. Say it right now. And then say it to a friend. I assure you, she needs to hear it.
Do you judge your parenting on similar things? Have you had anyone affirm you in your parenting? Is there a mom in your life you need to affirm?
Sarah, you are so a precious Mom. Our kids are grown adults now. They proclaim that “Mom was an incredible cheerleader to us; was always positive in all our activities and daily behaviors and very loving.” So our kids affirm me. One more thing, you are an incredible Mom and I affirm you! Just the pictures you post; your girls look so happy!
thank you carol! it means so much!!
Dear Sarah,
I love to read your stories! it is evident the love of Jesus is in your heart! I’m sure you are a wonderful mother. your Godly, Holy spirit inspired messages are truly a blessing!
please add me to your mailing list.
Thank you & God bless you!
You are the best mom in the whole world for your girls! God does NOT make mistakes, and He gave you THOSE particular girls because no one could be a better Mama to them. I am so grateful that because of Him, we ARE great mothers! He fills in the gaps we leave, rights the wrongs we cause, bandages and heals the wounds we unintentionally cause, and makes everything work together for good for His glory!!
i agree – god doesn’t make mistakes and he knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me these amazing girls. =)
even though i don’t even do a very good job of the things on your “good list” (i don’t know when my 3 year old had his teeth brushed last – ugh and ick!), i still felt encouraged by this….thank you! i came to peace (mostly) a while ago with the fact that i was going to mess up my kids in some form or fashion no matter what i did…thankfully, God is big enough to “fix” all those things, and i believe that He will. plus, i know that any good mothering in me is not me at all, but Christ in and through me….that takes a lot of pressure off, when i bother to remember it. having said that, i still wish i yelled less.
ooh ooh…that’s just MY good list. we are all amazing and different kinds of mothers. as different as we different as women. i firmly believe we must stop living under the not-good-enough guilt.
you are a good mom, kerry. =)
thank you, sarah! and i have no doubt that you are too!! i will echo what someone else said: just from your pictures i can tell that your girls are loved and happy (and oh so gorgeous
)!!
My grandmother has always been a difficult person and my father (her son) has always said she didn’t love him – never said it. We recently went to visit my grandparents with my three year old son just one month before my grandfather passed away.
As we sat in the hospital room, my three year old, jabbered and played games. Gave hugs and sang songs. Laughing, my grandmother looked at him and said, “When my kids were younger I thought that it was important to keep them clean and the house clean. But in my old age, I’ve learned that this is what matters (gestures to my son), just teaching and loving them.”
Isn’t that what God does? Teaches and Loves…the perfect model parent.
oh yes, he is the perfect model parent! and what a sweet story, jenn. =)
Of COURSE I can relate!!!
http://www.momastery.com has helped me immensely, as has http://www.itakejoy.com. They help encourage me, and laugh at my mistakes and keep going as we live real life!
oh yes. laughter is a HUGE part of it, i’m sure. thank you amanda!
I don”t feel like the worst mom, but I do feel just ok at it. I want to be great. My 3 year has really bad behavior. Really bad. He says awful things that I did not teach him. He has a hot temper that I have never seen before. I have been doing my best and seeing no results. No improvement. I definitely feel discouraged.
i want to be great too. i’m sorry about your 3yr old. One thing i’ve learned in a decade of parenting is that kids are really their own little souls. we can do and try and teach, but in the end, they are their own people. i’m sorry for your feelings of discouragement. i’ll be praying for you and the other moms today. =)
Heather,
I have a 3 year old son too. I am experiencing the exact same bad behavior with anger and mean words. I like to think of myself as a very easy-going, happy person. Sometimes I have no idea why my little guy acts the way he does and it makes me feel like I’m doing a bad job as his mom. I’m hoping it is a phase that will soon pass. We are good moms and know that you aren’t alone in this! We just have to keep loving them and know that we are doing our best!
I’m with you both Heather & Stephanie! We seem to have children who act up in ways that only mothers could still love them after the way they behave! A friend helpfully pointed out to me recently that my son is not ‘worse’ than other children, he is just showing his sinfulness more on the outside than others do! And God obviously thinks that I can handle him
This really helped me not despair. xx
The statement of reminding myself that I’m a good mom is liberating for me today. Thank you!
Thank you for this post. I had such a moment just last night. I totally flipped out and caused them all to be lying in bed crying at the end. I had a melt-down. And I apologized, and they forgave me, and I forgave them, and I told them I want to try and be a better mommy. My 7 year old said through her tears, “But sometimes you can’t.” I don’t want to burden them with my stress. They shouldn’t have to understand my plight (such as it is). I should be able to handle it better. But for the times that I don’t, we just exercise forgiveness.
Karin, you seem sooo sweet! Thank you for having the guts to share about a horrible night. We all have “those types of nights” as moms. What a wonderful model you gave to them of showing forgiveness and love, right in the middle of the nighttime mess.
At night (sigh) I become so pushed! I’m tired, and sometimes grumpy and irritable. EVERYTHING bothers me. At those times I wish I could just go to bed before my kids!! lol. They’d be better off for it.
The other night as I was looking into our fridge, I ranted and raved about how there was no flavored waters to drink (can you BELIEVE that?). My 16 year old passed by and said, “Mom! You are freaking out. Please stop it and don’t worry about it.”
As I heard her statement, I turned around and saw such laughter in her eyes. You know what I did? I cried!! I guess I was really stressed out. The years just came. She hugged me. We simply are not perfect — heaven knows I’m not!!
Thanks again for your honest post. You are not alone, believe me!!
I like what Sarah said about if we are worrying that we are not good enough moms, that probably means we are good moms! That very worry in and of itself shows we care about our kids and don’t want to mess them up.
This is a FANTASTIC article! Thank you Sarah. I needed this encouragement. I emailed this blog to my girlfriend and I know she will feel so much better!! We DO need to affirm to ourselves and to other women that we are good moms!!
Perfect moms? Never. Only an illusion. How freeing is THAT??!! Then we can relax, be ourselves, and enjoy our kids, knowing there is no standard of perfection that is attainable. We can bathe ourselves in Christ’s unconditional love and mercy and do the same for our kids whenever those types of moments arise.
i always try to affirm young mothers. i have had one or two burst into tears because their own mom’s never tell them they are good moms.
as for me…. i love it when my adult children tell me i was/am a good mom. that is blessing indeed.
As a first time expecting momma I think I need to bookmark this page to look back it in 9 months time when my little on is three months old and all I can see what I have not done or what I have done wrong. Thank you for this post Sarah.
I read a little quote that I want to paint in my entry way that says..”Our floors are sticky, Our kitchen is messy, Our laundry is dirty and Our children are Happy!”
Your girls and family look happy and I think that is the biggest accomplishment, raising happy, well rounded little ones! You are an awesome Mom!
Bullseye. This post nailed it. Thank you for such an insightful reminder, and please let me say this: you’re a wise woman and a very good mom.
I USED to think I was a pretty good parent until I experienced a prodigal daughter….then all the “why’s” and wondering what I could have changed. Then I remember the story of the prodigal son and the Father who let him go but kept looking and yearning for restoration…
I’m there with you, JoeAnn. I have two prodigal sons, and this is the first Easter without the youngest. Waiting and longing for their return, along with you for your daughter. Peace and joy to you, my friend. The joy has been hardest for me to hold on to – but I know that I need to live the way He wants me to. I pray you are able to hold onto His joy.
Oh my I needed to hear this!! I felt like a bad mom yesterday after my naked -after-a -bath 18 month old popped on the ground, got into the food coloring (we were dying eggs) and escaped with right red footprints as well as a frightfully oozing red face. All within an hour. Then my four year broke a glass when helping with the dishes and I yelled. I was tired, frustrated and hadn’t had a break, my hubby works two jobs, goes to school and does scouts and I don’t get a break, so I get flustered and my temper rises and I yell-and then feel like a horrific mother. I love, adore, appreciate my girls-but it can sometimes be overwhelming-like often and my voices raises and my eyes bulge. My poor girls-but your words made me feel lighter and remember and I thank you for that.
I have had these feelings too when I see my daughter act up, if I make a not so good meal or if the laundry is not done. I feel as if I failed at the only job that I really feel matters..(besides serving God). But then there are days when she is an angel and I see her compassionate heart and I am reminded that I am doing the best I can. I am a great mom. I try my best to teach her about God, love her unconditionally and most importantly lead by example. It melts my heart when I hear someone else tell me what a good mom I am. Sometimes we just need that reassurance because the job is so important to us.
yes! yes!! =)
Can’t remember a time when anyone other than my husband has commented on my mothering skills! Goes totally against the spirit of your post but now I come to think about it that, it actually makes me think I mustn’t be any good at it! agghh!
I am currently reading the Susanna Wesley Biography (mother to John and Charles) she had 19(!) children and the very thought of that number overwhelms me! It must have her too but somehow she produced 2 christian men who are still influencing us today in their hymns and writings hundreds of years later, Who knows what little people we are nurturing!?
Well Kate, I’m thinking that if your husband tells you that you are a great mother, then that is coming from an awesome source! He sees you in the real-time-mom-arena.
for me, sometimes I don’t even think to tell someone else they are a good mom because I can be so focused on myself. But hey! I’d go with your husband’s compliments for all they are worth!! lol
i agree. my husband’s compliments go so far. =)
I just told my friend today that I felt like the worst mom ever. Then she sent me to this site. Thank you so much for uplifting me!
oh good!! i’m so glad you’re here! =)
I wrote about this very same thing today. It’s amazing how often people will offer their advice, give suggestions and tell you how you could be a better mom. But why don’t people ever just say, you know what, you’re doing a great job! You are a wonderful. Every single one of us could benefit from hearing this more…thanks for sharing Sarah.
I agree Heather. so true. =)
So beautiful and true. Thank you for sharing!!
Good heavens. Amen and amen again. =)
Hi Sarah, This is very true. I discovered that I am a good mom recently but it’s because I was very much living in that “bad mom” mentality and God spoke so clearly to my heart “who says you are a bad mom? I say that you are good and now stop believing the lie that you are bad and start believing the truth that I declare you a good mom.” It has completely transformed my thinking.
I had been believing a lie and, as a result, was in a cycle of bad momness that I couldn’t escape. Now that I know the truth I am in a cycle of renewing my mind that is causing me to become who God says I am: A good mom. In fact it led me to writing a blog series on “How to REALLY become a good mom.” It’s all about living in the truth.
More moms need this good news! We try too hard and feel so defeated. There is victory but we need to truth to get us there.
Thank you for sharing your heart and encouraging moms! Blessings, Kristin
Kristin! Your post is awesome!! How incredible that God spoke to you in such a powerful, clear way! I bet that was an incredible experience. As I continued to read your post, I thought about how the enemy really does want us to believe we are bad moms, bad people, just anything to bring us down. He is the father of lies as the Bible says. Praise God He has transformed and renewed you about being a great mom! Thank you for sharing this. It was very inspiring to me. I’d love to read your blog series!!
You have captured this mama’s heart this week. Thanks!
Sarah, that was beautiful. Everyone needs to read this. You moved me to write my own thoughts. Thank you.
I’ve been tossing around this idea in my head a lot lately…about how often I feel like a crappy mom for one reason or another. GOOD words here!
My mum WAS one of those bad mums, the ones who genuinly did neglect her children and did not try to be a mother, she was little more than a babysitter, and a pretty poor one at that. I know those are harsh things to say and people will probably rush to her defence, but it’s how I, and the one sister I still have the ability to contact, feel about her.
But one of the things I can take away from that is, even when I feel like I’m not keeping up and I’m not doing as much or as good as I want to be, I can rest assured in the fact I am not doing the things my mother did, and I am making the time to do the things she never bothered to do.
So are the women reading here. The very fact you take the time to read and write about parenting, the fact you compare yourself to parents and don’t always feel you measure up, means you care. And usually, the only bad mothers are the ones that don’t care. Let me assure you, my mother would never read a blog like this. If anyone ever called her parenting into question she claimed to be the best mother in the world, listing reasons that were meaningles really. She never doubted herself because she didn’t care what sort of job she did. If you doubt yourself, then that’s probably overwhelming evidence that you’re a great mum.
I needed this more now than ever. My ex in laws are making my ex go for custody of my son. Keep in mind that my ex has never wanted our son. His mother wants him. At the first hearing last month, the judge gave my ex temporary custody until the final hearing solely because I smoke cigarettes. My ex lied on the stand and said that all of the doctors have said this caused my son to have RSV and stuff. No doctor has ever said this. If they had I would have quit immediately. Anyway, the second the judge said that my ex has temporary custody until the final hearing, my heart just shredded. I now feel like the worst mother/person in the world. Especially since my ex mother in law smokes as well and she is my son’s primary care provider over there. But since my ex lied and said we smoke in the house ( we do not) and his mother said that she smokes outside, the judge said that my home is dangerous for my son. That was a month ago and every second of everyday I still feel the same exact feeling that I felt when the judge first gave his determination.
But then I look at my daughter, who is 18 months old. She knows about half of her colors, is learning to count, says probably 30-40 words, and is so cuddly and loving that it’s insane. And then I wonder how any judge can say that my home is dangerous for my kids? But that doesn’t change the feeling of being the worst mother in the world every day all day.
So all of that to say, thank you soooo much for this!
Michelle, thank you for sharing your situation. I want you to know that I just prayed for you. I’m sure you are a wonderful Mom and I asked the Lord to intervene and comfort that shredded heart of yours. I know He will, not because I prayed, but because He loves you so very much.
Beautifully said! We all mess up. We are all imperfect. But if we love them and do our best, we are doing great!
I’m going to facebook right now to tell my friends they are good moms. Thanks for the idea. I hope you have a lovely weekend.
You made my day. Such a hard day with my son and other moms judging. Your article made me laugh and cry. What I needed when there is no one else around and the kids are sleeping.