When we only had a cat leaving for the weekend was no big deal. We’d give her double the food {we’re a free-feeding family} and double the water, clean out her little and let her fend for herself for 48 hours.
In all honesty, I think she welcomed the solitude.
But for the last two years we’ve had a dog: a 90+ pound golden retriever who is all affection and all hair. She has redefined the idea of unconditional love for our family. Now when we travel, or even are gone for more than half a day, we have to beg and plead with our friends to help care for her. She needs food and water twice a day, she needs to be let in at night and she needs someone to pet her and walk her.
Dogs, as amazing as they are, need a lot of care.
If you’ve been married for more than a couple years, you understand that our marriages don’t live an breathe on their own. They aren’t like cats or plants. They are more like high-maintenance puppies {or children, even} that need our constant care. However, if we treat our relationships with our spouses like cats or plants, they will not survive. We must behave as if they are in need of consistent care.
Before there we listen for the death rattle, take a couple minutes and be intentional about your relationship.
Here are a couple questions that you can use with your spouse to assess your current relationship. They are by no means comprehensive but I believe that they can help in figuring out where the two of you are as a couple. If you are anything like me, you can’t find five quiet minutes with your spouse to discuss anything beyond dentist appointments and taking out the trash.
So maybe this weekend, get alone with your spouse, take an hour and be intentional about your relationship.
- What have we been doing well? What are our strengths as a couple? (the places where we are in sync)
- What have we been slipping in? (the areas of disconnect)
- What do you want me to know about you? How can I see or notice you better?
- What have I been overlooking in our relationship?
- What do you need from me? How can I be a better spouse to you?
- What are some goals for the next 12 months that we can accomplish as a couple? As a family? How will we carry them out?
What do you think? How do you live intentionally in your marriage?
Really good questions. My husband and I realized at the end of last year that we were letting too much slip, allowing too much disconnect. We made a major overhaul of how we spent our evenings after the kids are in bed. We began saying no to everything we were putting before each other like work, TV shows, reading, etc. After the kids are snug in bed we go to our room and do a couples devotional together. It gets us thinking about different aspect of our relationship that we don’t always consider. That usually sparks some great conversations about our relationship, family, goals, etc. Sometimes we snuggle up and watch a show together after we’ve finished talking. He’s a restaurant manager so on the nights he has to work late we do our devotional earlier in the day and then text each other when I’m ready for bed to say goodnight. Another thing we do is to ask the other how we can pray for them. We’ve also become more intentional about doing little things for the other to let them know we’re thinking of them. You really do have to give your relationship constant care and attention for it to be strong and healthy. Thanks for the great post.
thank you so much janet! that’s a really good suggestion for couples who have difficult schedules. =)
This is great Sarah – we like to sit and review our marriage, having a focus and ‘purpose’ in your discussion is sure to be fruitful. Thanks for the inspiration! Blessing, Leah
Excellent questions, Sarah. You are so right, our marriages must have intentional time. I once heard a preacher say if your aren’t paddling towards each other every day in your relationship then you will drift apart. There is no staying where you are.
Blessings!
good questions.
So great! My hubby and i did this last night. We feel pretty happy and secure in our relationship, however we were beginning to leave God out of it-not cool. It’s been on my mind for a bit so this helped open the door for conversation. It was time to read our scriptures and pray together again, and so last night we started. These are things we ae vigilant about doing with our kids, but seem to fall off the band wagon every few years as a couple-every time we have a baby. Well that baby is 18 months old now-and we are well over due to get back on track. Thank you!! Of course I know this will help our marriage and relationship with God.
These are great questions! One thing that has revitalized out marriage is striving and even fighting for something together. If is fun to play with David and that draws us together, but over the past 2 years we have fought together for 2 things, financial freedom, and health. The finances was a grueling yet exciting time as we set boundaries & limits and slowly climbed out of debit. Although I cried over the budget in the beginning, this was one of the greatest gifts my husband has ever given me. Currently we are revamping our lifestyle. We cook together, exercise together, hunt for recipes…..We both have won together as the weight has slowly dropped off. I love winning with my husband! By this time next year I wonder what foe he and I will have vanquished together! : )
Sometimes I wonder if you have hidden camera’s following me…
The “seeing each other 5 minutes a day” thing, is a recent struggle in my marriage. We’ve put up the dreaded “walls”, because of lack of time vested in each other. It’s devastating & heartbreaking… THANK YOU for this analogy & for sharing these tools to help make every moment we spend together nourishing. Our marriage needs TLC, and it’s so easy to lose sight of that!
(Just this morning my husband asked me out on a date- I’ve felt so disconnected that I shrugged him off… Then I opened your blog & had to face myself in the mirror. That little “date” with my soulmate is crucial! Thank you, Sarah…)
xoxo
This is an awesome list of questions and will make for a great discussion with my spouse. We’re kinda in a rut right now. So busy with everyone and everything else we take each other for granted lacking much needed time together. I will definitely be using these questions to get my marriage back on track. I really needed this today. Thank you so much for your awesome postings. You have definitely encouraged me many times after reading your posts. May God continue to use you to be a blessing to so many people!
My husband and I love to minister to marriages. Yet, we get so busy with family, ministry, more family, work, etc. that we often forget to minister to our OWN marriage. This is where I felt like we’ve been recently, and was so discouraged in my own reaction to our growing distance which was, “Oh well. We work awful hard at it, but maybe a ‘good’ marriage is all we’ll ever have. Maybe a ‘great’ marriage just isn’t obtainable.” Oh no. I would never preach that message to others, so why would I preach it to myself? These are great questions to keep up awake and thinking about the care our spouses and our marriages need. Thank you.
Thank you so much Sarah and Chad for sharing your story Intentionality…that’s a word I have heard so much about about but haven’t consistently done. By God’s grace, I will be more intentional in my relationship with Jesus, my marriage, my kids, and friends. May the Lord bless you more!