mid-dle adjective, noun, verb
1. equally distant from the extremes or outer limits, central.
2. intermediate or intervening.
3. medium or average.
“How old are you again?” my therapist asked me to remind her.
“Thirty-seven.”
“Hmmm.” That was her answer. And she smiled.
For weeks we’d been talking about the ins and the outs of my last year or so and together we were making progress. Sigh. That’s always good. Progress.
We’d talked about career stuff for me, family stuff, relationship issues and the things that have been weighing me down. I would say things like
I just don’t feel like myself.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
I don’t know if I’ve done what I have done well.
She offered up something to me. “It sounds like you may have had a mid-life crisis.”
What. WHA. WHAA?!
Right. I’m not even close to forty (at least that’s what I like to tell myself). I haven’t gone out to buy a red corvette or signed up for liposuction.
“You think?” I asked her.
“Perhaps.” She answered.
And then we began to talk and it all began to make sense. I’m too old for a lot of stuff but too young to be old. I’m beginning to feel my mortality, thinking about the short future and wonder if I’ve made a dent. I’m wondering who this 30-something woman is and I’m questioning my own purpose.
The funk I’ve been in may be related to the fact that I’m realizing that I’ve lived over half of my productive life and feel like I don’t have a lot to show for it.
There have been beautiful glimpses of what life is supposed to really be over the last couple of years:
Holding the country of Peru in my heart.
Watching my daughter bond with a horse.
Late nights by an outdoor fire.
A community of writers on South Carolina sand.
Then several nights ago after dinner my husband said to me, “What AM I doing, Sarah?”
And we talked. What ARE we doing?
We aren’t doing anything bad or wrong and we are desperately trying to live a good story and raise our children well. But what ARE we doing?
Is our life too safe?
Should we be doing more?
Should we be doing less?
Where do we go from here?
What are we made to do?
The Markleys have crashed smack dab, head-first, up against mid-life.
But that isn’t the end of the story.
We can talk about the past and rehash the last few years if we really want to. We can mourn the loss of our house, feel the hurt and grief of the different communities that have wounded us, we can make second guesses on certain choices, but when all is said and done, we can’t change any of that. We can only move forward.
What do our next steps look like? Probably a lot like they have up until now. Our road might look a lot like the same road that we’ve been on because it’s full of days at the office and carpools and dance classes. It’s still full of emails and text messages and blog posts.
But I’m convinced that understanding the crisis is half the battle to making it something that you can use for progress. And knowing that the past can’t be changed is another part of the process.
Middle life is the life lived between our youth and our old age and between our energy and our rest. Middle life is the present years, the productive years, and now I believe, the beautiful years.
Whether you are in middle life like me or further along or further behind, let’s all commit to moving forward, being intentional about today, and finding ways to change tomorrow rather than worry about yesterday.
Where are you? Are you in middle-life, mid-life or something else? What are you learning about moving forward?
Been feeling the same way over the past several months. Thank you for this.
thank you carol!
If 37 is mid-life…I am close to the grave:)…But I do agree…no matter where we fall on the spectrum…oh to keep moving forward. My dad went back to school @ 80…He has grown more spiritually between 80-87 than in all the years before. I am finding with age comes freedom when we let God in…so much has been easier for me to shed…adventure and change are not dreaded as in my youth. God gets bigger the older I get…that upside down kingdom…we become more like a child…we believe with more wonder and simple faith. blessings as we continue to find all the beauty He has for us in every stage of life.
i love that!! back to school at 80. what an example! =)
I am 57 closing in on the big 60 year and honestly I am looking forward to it. Life is a challenge yes…for all of us in different stages but the choice is to be positive, be encouraging and be thankful. We have many things to feel blessed by and thankful for. You are a gifted writer and you are a devoted wife, good friend, a great mom and you love the Lord and what else do you need?? Ask and it will be given to you if you ask with an open heart.
i agree sharon. so many things to be thankful for!
Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing your story.
thank you so much tony!!
Thanks for sharing this. I turned 40 last year and have been feeling some of the exact same things.
yep! i’m right behind you!
Turning 42 tomorrow. Hubby and I have both been in a funk…asking “what’s the point?” and “Why is life so hard?”
Perhaps we all go through this during mid life? I don’t know!
http://irishtripletsrecovery.blogspot.com/
just from reading the comment it seems like it’s pretty common. =)
Thank you Sarah, I’m glad you put up your thoughts. I am 35 and been thinking the same thing. I’ve been at a huge crossroad for the longest time. Wondering if there’s ever such a thing as mid-life at your 30s. At least I know I’m not alone. Sometimes I also feel like I’ve not done much. But I am reminding myself that my life is in good hands and God will not let me miss out on anything. Some time ago I asked an older man who is in full time ministry for more than 30 years, how he could keep on doing the same thing for so many years. He told me he doesn’t think about that. He just faithfully do the next thing, fill the next need. He is one of the most humble man I’ve ever met. If you look back, you can’t pinpoint what exactly he has done but so many people have been touched by just watching the way he leads his life, being faithful in the smallest task. I guess that’s probably what most of our lives would be. A lot of routine and small tasks that seem insignificant but God uses all that to build the bigger picture.
i agree with that. God uses the small things to build the bigger things. =)
I don’t think age matters. We have “life crisises” at different times in our life journey with God. I realize the “mid life crisis” in the sense of realizing our mortality. Yet, I really want to say this to people, really say it. Only God knows what our life span on this earth will end up being. As Christians we don’t need to choose to be tripped up by our age. Sure, we write wills and prepare responsibly. Yet I think of the man in the Bible who stored up his wealth (I think it was wheat) and he kicked back to eat, drink, and be merry. And God said, “You fool!! Your very life could be asked of you tonight.” So…we embrace our Lord, enjoy the blessings of an upside down kingdom which a previous writer just mentioned. I like that.
Quite frankly, we are living in an upside down economy right now as a country, and many baby boomers have either lost their home, their retirement, and find themselves with a longer road ahead of them of work life they were not expecting. We don’t expect a lot of things — early death of a loved one, being the victim of a tornado, etc. We have losses, we have new beginnings. That’s where the upside down kingdom comes into play again. 
Chronological age? I don’t think so. It’s life experience and what we do in those experiences with Jesus right belong our side. I’m becoming “younger” inside all the time, because I’m staying close to Jesus. At least, that is what I try to do — I botch it up as well. I hope you all know that!!! (and what I’ve been trying to say here)
excellent points suzanne!!
I can definitely relate. I feel like I am experiencing groundhog’s day. My days seem to be the same version of each other. My life is spent supporting other’s lives all day long. My husband owns a small successful and very busy company so being a wife to him is very full time. My heart is at home when I am supporting him. We have 2 very active little boys and our home is very peaceful. Yesterday my husband picked up my son at school and I spent the extra 45 minutes making a banana cream pie for our little family to enjoy and cutting up veggies so we could all have easy healthy snacks this week. I feel like my life is a weird combination of feeling exactly where God wants me to be, although I also feel like I have lost myself along the way.
you know everyone reading your comment just took a great big beautiful sigh when you said your home is peaceful. i love it. it’s what we all want and you are lucky to have that. it is such a gift. =) it is hard when you feel like you’ve been lost along the way though. thank you for being so honest, heather.
Sarah, I get it. I so do. I feel like I just went through a mid-life crisis, and I’m only in my 20 somethings. I had done almost nothing since I graduated high school in the early 2000′s. I felt as though I was floating through life. What was I DOING with my life. My answer for myself: nothing. I HAD to change. I’m now going to school to become an RN over the next couple of years. My hopes are to create an organization to further medical relief around the world, and join the many others that are already doing so. I had had enough of not doing anything. I went and started doing. It has felt so good over the past 3 and 1/2 months. God is so good. All the time.
oh yes, Nathan. God is good all the time!
I was just telling someone the other day I’m gonna be 38 in September & I’m hating it. I feel as though I’ve barley lived my 30′s and now I’m pushing 40. I have felt I have also come to a crossroads in life. My kids are growing up. My oldest is 16 already! I just wonder where time has gone. But like you said we need to let go of the past and look towards the future. We all want our life to mean something, and we get to a point where we feel time slipping through our fingers and we a get a sense of urgency. But, I also think we don’t give ourselves enough credit for what we have done. What you have done with this blog is a HUGE ministry and you’ve touched so many lives. I for one have gotten encouragement from your blog and I know I’m not alone. We need to learn how to be content with what God has us doing in the here and now. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. I thought I have been losing my mind!
thank you so much tracy! yes, i feel time slipping through my fingers too.
Let’s see, my “baby” will be 40 in September. Yeah, I think I understand the challenge. As I look back, sometimes with fondness, sometimes with regret, I am reminded that Jesus covers all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll be 63 in nine days, and I am still looking ahead. I accepted the call to be the pastor here in the SoCal mountains at the age of 62… I didn’t come to retire but to make disciples and grow disciples…
My prayer for you and Chad: Lord God, You are the merciful, comforting, loving God that we all desperately need. You have shown Yourself faithful throughout the ages, and now even to Sarah and Chad (and girls). We give thanks for who they are and what God is making them to be. Give them wisdom at this special time. Open their hearts to Your continued leading. Blessed are they who wait on You. Grant them a special measure of Your grace so that as they live, they live in the fullness of life as You intend; through Jesus Christ, Your Son, our Lord, who lives and reigns with You and the Holy Spirit, one God now and forever. Amen
wow, thank you so much Rich! i appreciate your words and your kindness. =)
I love how you phrased that it’s between our energy and our rest.
I turned 40 last year and have definitely been reflective.
thank you dionna! 40 is only 2 and a half years away for me!!
Well, I’ll be 47 this year. I kept saying 46 and hubby reminded me with a giggle. Funny, but 30 was my “freak-out”. I plunged forward knocking everyone in my way down including my family. But, a few years ago everything changed. It’s all a new adventure with God & me – full of ups and downs. The ups are just beginning to outshine and glitter prettier than the mess of me.
I love that you wrote, “…be intentional about today.” Life words to my soul.
Thank You Sarah. I love who you are and your heart on these pages.
thank you jeri!
Here is the definition of midlife crisis (MLC) I use at my website.
Midlife is a Self-questioning quest. It is about change; denial and attempts to avoid transition yield a crisis. Midlife crisis manifests through avoidance, regression and depression—overt or covert—and in the context of a marriage often includes infidelity and separation; it averages from 2-7 years.
According to Daniel Levinson, we go through life transitions every 7-10 years. The midlife transition is considered the most tumultuous. But that does not mean it is a crisis. Most are not at crisis levels. It’s still challenging and may be traumatic and even include depression. But a full MLC is often looks like someone is bipolar as they may swing between high energy and depression and change their mind rapidly—every few minutes for rapid-cyclers. People throw the concept around without realizing the gravity of a true MLC.
I don’t know, but I am highly doubtful that you are experiencing MLC.
What so many of the responses are describing is the natural and healthy rumblings of transition. How you each react or respond to your transitions will determine whether they reach crisis levels.
If you are taking responsibility for where and who you are in life rather than blaming others and you are not abandoning your spouse, children, friends for grass you think is greener (hint: it’s not), then good chance it’s not MLC.
i appreciate your perspective.
I’m going through Gift from the Sea on my blog this summer (and I’m also going through a time of reflecting on my age as I’m turning 35 this summer and thinking about having another baby and feeling that clock ticking). In chapter 5, “Oyster Bed,” which we’ll be tackling in a couple of weeks, Anne Morrow Lindbergh writes, “We Americans, with our terrific emphasis on youth, action and material success, certainly tend to belittle the afternoon of life and even to pretend it never comes. We push the clock back and try to prolong the morning, overreaching and overstraining ourselves in the unnatural effort….. In our breathless attempts we often miss the flowering that waits for afternoon. For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a periods of second flowering, second growth…?” (78-79) Young does feel like it is uplifted everywhere, even in blogger world where I see a lot of people apologizing for their age as if they are crashing the party. It’s interesting to me that in Biblical times, they had to say “Let no one despise your youth” but now I think we need to say, “Let no one despise your age.” But as much as I know the way we should be, I am still struggling with this little transition right now.
Sarah. Thank You. You always say exactly what I need to hear. Thanks for the much needed reminder that the past cannot be changed. I know I cannot change it or do anything about it nor can I continue to live there either. I have to move forward intentionally like you said. That’s where the hope is. Thank you for reminding me there is hope.
This verse gives me hope and I cling to it everyday.
Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT
22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
oh i love those verses courtne!! thank you!
Hi Sarah, Yep, I am with you on this one. We are the same age, and I have been feeling the same way too. Yet, what is so amazing to me, is that I finally feel like my husband and I are gelling, our faith is stronger than ever before, the kids are doing well, life is busy but fun.
So, why do I wonder if I am doing enough?
There is a lot of Christian literature out there right now about not only talking the talk, but walking the walk. Either there seems to be more now, or I am just paying attention to it more. I don’t know. But, I just wonder as I ponder over what I am doing and whether I am doing enough, if I am not moving into a season of life where it is now less about me and more about others.
I can’t help but think of the Sarah Groves song that says “I want to leave a legacy”. Hmmm…is it still about others and not about me? Guess I will need to ponder some more
.
right. i feel the struggle too. thank you for your comment!
There is a terrific book covering this called “Lost in the Middle” by Paul David Tripp.
One of his comments in the book is that mid-life reveals the idols we have been worshipping since our youth, but have been able to convince ourself we aren’t. He sees is as a beautiful time to become broken over our wayward hearts and start again.
i love that Anna!
I’m SOOOOO with ya! I’m 35 –RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE of 70! My mid life crisis hit pretty hard last year, and my husband & I are still picking up the pieces. It showed in a lot of ways, one of them being spending…not on red corvettes or liposuction…perhaps that too cliche for girls like us? =) Anyway, those same questions haunted me: have I done ENOUGH Lord? (I’ve been in full time ministry for 12 years) so there’s that extra layer of has even that been good enough…I really could go on and on. My own counselor has tried again and again, and I try again and again to rest in my Father’s love…to find who I am only complete in God b/c even marriage and children doesn’t “finish” me. It’s tough. Hang in there. One day, we WILL be perfected even though it makes little to no sense now.
I love how you put a name to different feelings/thoughts that are rolling around in my head and heart. I have a hard time putting them into words but I quite often read your posts and think “Yes…that’s it!”
God has been showing me over and over again how much he values authenticity and honesty in relationships, and I value those in you. Those are just a few of the reasons I’ve loved keeping up with you over the years.
For me personally, I had a rough beginning, a wild adolescence, and now I feel like I’m finally becoming who I want to be. I feel like every day I have to choose who I want to be, and work to get there. Otherwise, it’s too easy to let the busyness of life just sweep me away. I’m trying right now to set mini-goals for myself, then focus on achieving them each week. I want to accomplish this? Then this is what I need to do…
It’s taken me so long to get here, and I think I’m honestly afraid to look too far ahead, so I’m taking it one day at a time. But I’m there with you..I’m 35 and my husband is 44. I definitely get what you’re saying. Andy and I often ask ourselves “What are we doing? What are we meant for? Are we doing enough?”
Sorry for the book.
I have been feeling this too lately. I am close in age to you and I am started to think of my own mortality and what I want to do with my life and my kids and how time seems to fly. Thank you for this post.
I remember feeling the way you describe. Even though I’m now 47 there are days, weeks, and months I still do. Have I made a difference with my life? Are the goals and dreams I held as a young woman impossible for me now that I’m older–or am I limiting my thinking within the boundaries of what society or convention says I should be doing? What I’ve been learning is God doesn’t consider age or stage in life as He accomplishes His plan in our lives—just obedience.