She got frustrated and I got frustrated yesterday morning. So I threw down the hairbrush and it bounced on the kitchen floor.
Not my best moment, I know.
My oldest daughter is ten-and-a-half and quickly heading toward preteen-ish-ness and I’m quickly heading toward being the mother of a preteen-ish girl.
I have no idea what I’m doing. In fact, I think neither neither she nor I know what we are doing.
There are manuals for getting babies to sleep through the night and books about getting toddlers to eat green veges. There are myriads of parenting seminars and classes one can take about how to be a better disciplinarian but there is no manual for this. Not for this: For the on-the-ground, we-are-both-crying, leave-me-alone times. For the times when we look at each other as mother and daughter and we don’t know how this is supposed to work.
Hair brushing is small compared to the issues we will be dealing with in short years but regardless the issue, it’s all new territory. But there are a few things that aren’t new:
It’s about love {it’s always been about love} and it’s about reconciliation. It’s about grace and it’s about forgiving the major and minor parts of our personalities that will never be easy.
It’s about me gathering her sixty seconds later and apologizing for my unpredictable behavior and telling her she didn’t deserve that.
It’s about her obeying me and then asking for forgiveness with sincerity.
It’s about both of us recognizing that we were wrong.
And it’s about reconciliation.
My hope for my daughters is that they would grow up to be responsible individuals who love God and others and are good stewards of their resources. But they may, no will, have a few hiccups along the way.
They might leave the Church or fall in love with the wrong guy, they might screw everything up, but if in the end of it, we are reconciled to one another the journey to that redemption is of lesser importance than the redemption itself.
We took our girls to see Brave the other day and, unlike other Princess movies {even Tangled}, Brave is not about a prince falling in love with a girl. And it’s not about finding your “true” self or following your heart. Brave is about redemption. It’s about reconciliation. It’s about the broken relationship between a mother and a daughter and how the courage to forgive and be forgiven heals it.
As silly as it sounds, as I held my daughter in the kitchen yesterday morning I thought about that movie and I thought about us and about our willingness as parents to be molded and shaped by our own children. I thought about my own failings as a person and a parent and how we must be brave enough to forgive one another.
That’s right.
When we don’t know what to do, forgive. When we don’t know how to move forward, love. When we don’t know how to fix it, seek to reconcile and redeem.
Lord, help us to have the courage to forgive today and help us to have the bravery to admit our own faults. Give us an appropriate understanding of our own failings but help us to reconcile and redeem the broken things of this world. Continue to bring reconciliation into our families and lives in ways only You can dream up.
Do you ever feel like you need a “manual” for this stage of life? Do you ever feel like you don’t know what you are doing? Does it take a lot of courage to forgive?
Sara…you just go inside and pull out a bit of every mother’s heart. My oldest daughter is turning 30, my youngest daughter just turned 16…these cycles of life…how they humble us…frustrate us…break us…mold us…transform us. I can say without one shadow of doubt…God is faithful…He gives the wisdom we need for each child…for the different personalities and needs. I am can give testimony…His Grace does fill in the holes that we miss. And you have the most important part…that heart connection…never letting anything…(oh how my pride had to be dealt with) keep us from reconciling with that child and reconnecting to her heart. oh and just wait…I have often told my husband…we talk about the struggle of raising small kids…but what about these years leading to empty nest…these huge forever changes in the family. I need that older woman a head of me….a voice to say… all will be well.
blessings to you. as you parent these little girls with all the wisdom God holds:)
thank you for your encouragement ro. i’m relying heavily on the wisdom of God through all of this =)
This so speaks to me Sarah and what I’m going through. I went through a divorce a few years ago after I had an affair and married the person that I had the affair with. I was very far from God when I made the choices that I made, but both my husband and I are completely committed to keeping Him at the center of our marriage and I believe God has given us a 2nd chance. I have sought reconciliation from the people I hurt at my former church. Some have accepted it and others won’t even allow me the opportunity to seek forgiveness. Others say they have forgiven me but choose to treat me with disrespect and continue to remind me of what I’ve done. Peace and reconciliation are so important, in fact they are so important that Jesus commands us to seek reconciliation with a brother even ahead of worship! 1 John 4:19-21: “We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.” My beautiful girls, ages 16 and 12, are right at the center of all this. We have been working on rebuilding our relationship and trust and we are so much better than where we were, but have a long way to go. A lot of what affects the situation is that they are still attending the church that I used to go to and so are constantly faced with people who still don’t approve of me. It’s caused a lot of strife in their life and mine. I just want to be able to walk into that church and show people that I’m not the same person. That I’ve been redeemed. That God didn’t kick me to the curb. That I still have purpose. And, that I am those girls’ mom and no one can replace that fact. By ignoring me and treating me with a spirit of condemnation does not help the healing process and peace cannot come about. Some day we’ll all be living in Heaven together and this is the training ground for eternity. I pray for peace, unity, reconciliation daily. I belong to a church now who knows my story and loves me anyway. I know that my sin does not define me and that God doesn’t want me to live in regret. It’s taken a long time for me to forgive myself, but I have and it is so freeing. Thanks for writing Sarah. You bring me so much encouragement. Peace to you and your girls:)
thank you for sharing your heart here, tawni. i’m sorry for all of your struggle but i’m encouraged by your amazing attitude of grace!! thank you so much!
Yes, yes, and yes. Oh my mercy. I have a 12 yo daughter, 9 yo son, then almost 5 yo and 3 yo. (girl boy girl boy). It’s never dull but always evolving into a “new different” at each stage. Lots of love and grace, indeed.
yes! never dull, right?=)
Oh my friend, YES! My daughter is 11 and you could have been describing my home…to the tee girl! It is a crazy dance, every day is insane and I have no idea what I am doing. But we are resting in the One who knows us both, who fills in the cracks and helps us find a way back to one another. But oh my… Chocolate does help. Can’t wait to see you at Allume! -Kristen
yes. chocolate helps a lot! and I can’t wait to be at Allume too! =)
Wow, you hit the nail on the head. Just recently I called my husband is desperation and even fear and exclaimed “I don’t know what to do.” How do you deal with a child who still sees life “darkly” and through the veil of inexperience and immaturity? I appreciate your challenge to “When we don’t know what to do, forgive. When we don’t know how to move forward, love. When we don’t know how to fix it, seek to reconcile and redeem.”
Preserving and cultivating mu relationship with my kids is much more important than them becoming the storybook child I envision they should be. Blessing to you and your little woman today!
yes!! =)
Oh Sarah! I have an 11 yo (boy) going on 17 or some other age where they know it all. Its hard. I have had these same moments, slamming doors, yelling back and forth, crying alone. None of them my finest moment. But how wise are your words “the journey to that redemption is of lesser importance than the redemption itself.” I need to remember this, hang it on my wall where everyone can see
Thank you.
thank you jimmie lee!!
Thank you for this Sarah! I have a 10-and-a-half year old daughter also, and I so relate! I am continually crying out to the Lord for wisdom, guidance, patience and insight into her and what makes her tick and how to reach her heart. She and I are so very different!!! Thanks for your thoughts. . it was so good for my Mommy heart today!
oh good Missy! glad to know others in the same boat! =)
Sarah, do you mind if I mention a book exactly along these lines. It was recommended by more than half a dozen veteran parents and I am just into the beginning and intro but find myself repeating “yes, yes, yes” it is spot on!
It is called “Give them Grace: Dzzaling your kids with the Love of Jesus.
here is a link, I hope it works!
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1433520095/ref=as_li_tf_til?tag=overcominglon-20&camp=0&creative=0&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=1433520095&adid=18BJFNRS3JG5PZ80S1YC“
of course! thank you!
Absolutely, yes! I feel like I’m growing up right along side my girl (she’s 14) as we navigate the teen years and the changes in our relationship as she becomes more independent. Just when I think I can’t handle anymore, that sweet little girl peeks out through the attitudes and emotions, and I’m reminded that she really is in there somewhere and she needs my love, patience and guidance more than ever now. At times it feels as though I’m not getting through to her, Holley Gerth’s post, “When You Get to Turn the Chair Around” was such an encouragement:
““Dear Sister, trust that there is more than you can see. Trust that what you’re doing makes a difference. Trust that one day you will get to turn the chair around and see fully…You may not be able to see the difference that you’re making,…the joy you’re bringing. But it’s there. It’s real. It’s truer than true…Do what He says….
I don’t have all the answers, but I do know that the Lord loves me and covers me in grace through all of my emotions and attitudes and tantrums, so I will continue to love and forgive and remain diligent in pointing her to Jesus.
sarah…
wow, again…aimed right at the heart of my heart…
from 10.5-year-olds to almost 64-year-olds…the story is the same…NONE of us has ever been HERE before…
so Jesus gave us His living example, His grace-words & His amazing dying & living-again path…showing us the way. His way? “seventy-times seven,” Jesus said to Peter…”Father, forgive our trespasses as we have forgiven those who trespass AGAINST us.” very hard words to live out…Jesus did it…and He gave us the grace of the Holy Spirit & one another…to enable us to imitate Him…but it is still a hard road to walk well…
love you & your heart,
dad
it seems that Jesus tells us that the only SURE path into tomorrow starts in grace-forgiveness & & ends in reconciliation…
This blog jumped out at me since my daughter was awful from the ages of 11-14.. I was in the middle of a 4 year affair during that time and l blame myself for her behavior because of what I was doing in my secret life. I now understand that it was just her age that cuased the problems and try to remind myself daily but it is so easy to slip back into blaming myself.
My husband and I reconciled and just renewd our vows last month – Our kids are 15 and almost 18 now and I just try to enjoy each day with them all.
hmm. good wisdom steph! and i’m so glad that you have been reconciled! what an amazing story! =)
Thanks for your honesty Sarah. My daughter is 14 and although she is a great girl we have our moments. Especially in a house where it’s just the two of us. I find myself beating myself up all too often over words that I have said and already apologized for, and she has long since forgiven me and gotten over. I loved and cried cried cried at Brave. You see, I suffered a very deep depression a few years ago, and am still struggling with forgiving myself for the pain I put Briana through. The reconciliation scene in that movie was a very cathartic moment for me.