“Sometimes when someone is mean to us
{when they call you names
steal your friends
stop talking to you
decide someone else is more important}
we still need to be nice.”
I looked at my six-year-old in the rear-view mirror after one of her last days of Kindergarten on Friday. She frowned and looked out the window.
“But MAMA,” she whined. “He called me stupid-head. So I smacked him.” The teacher had gently informed me at pickup that there had been an “incident” in line today. Thank you for telling me, I nodded. We will talk about it today.
And we did.
But as I formed the words in the car I thought about them as I spoke them. How can I tell my littlest how to act when I have deep hurts in my own heart and sometimes all I want to do is smack someone in line? And when someone hurts us deeply {dare I admit it?} sometimes it is all that I have in me not to be cruel in return.
So I tell her, Even WHEN someone is hurtful, over and over again, when they betray you, when they move on without you, even then we still must love.
I hate even saying it because large parts of my heart don’t even believe my own words.
Because, how many chances does someone get?
How many chances did Peter get? I recall Peter asking Jesus something similar. Almost like a Kindergartener {or a 37-year-old mother} he was. How many times, Lord? How many times do I forgive my brother? Surely not more than I have days in the week?
And then Jesus said, “Hey Peter. Times that by infinity and then you’ll have your answer.”
How many times do we allow someone to steal our friendships, betray us in the most intimate of ways, or call us STUPID-HEAD in the line after recess?
Infinity times infinity. It’s a drastic type of forgiveness, a radical, weird thing that doesn’t feel good. It feels weak and subservient. It feels like I’m losing my pride, that I’m losing my footing and my confidence. It’s so much stronger to be cruel in return. This kind of infinity-times-infinity forgiveness doesn’t make any kind of real sense.
It’s the kind of forgiveness that goes way beyond stupid-head.
It dips into the arena of forgiving our adulterous spouses, our abusers, the ones who murder and steal and take things that never in life belonged to them. And it’s forgiveness for the over-and-over-again of it. But as I think about it and I think about Peter, I don’t think Jesus asked anything less.
It’s the kind of gracious forgiveness that cannot be thought-through, perhaps, but maybe only performed. Like jumping in a cold pool or racing into the ocean. Once you’re in, you’re all in.
And then once we’ve forgiven today {because today is easier than forgiving for all of eternity} we must wake up again tomorrow and do it again. Whenever the sting rises, we have to jump full feet into radical forgiveness. Infinity times infinity, if it comes to that.
Sometimes forgiveness is a whisper at night. When the anxiety and the hurt has woken us up once again at 2:47 with no hopes of falling back asleep. It’s the whisper, the name of the betrayer and “Lord, help” added to the end. Speaking the small, weak prayer is a step toward grace and healing. Because that person holds only as much power over us as we allow.
Taking those bitter, tiny steps toward drastic forgiveness is the ONLY way I can teach my six-year-old that even if Lucas calls her bad names forever we still must practice mercy.
Not only because Jesus asked us to, but because anything less keeps us in chains to the person who has done the wounding.
In recent months I’ve become a collector of people I must forgive. I have let the wounds they’ve performed rule my life. I will speak their names today with a prayer. Lord, help me to forgive _____ and _____ today. Wash over me and over them with your infinity-times-infinity quality of grace and radical forgiveness.
Can you speak the names of your wounders today? In a prayer? If only a whisper with “Lord, Help” tacked at the end? Does this resonate with you?
What a great post and SO TRUE! I especially like the part where you said it “make you feel stronger” when you are mean to someone who has hurt you badly. But that’s not what God calls us to do is it? And it takes a greater strength than we have (namely HIS) to return grace when someone is being a Stupid Head. Beautiful message of mercy and sacrifice of oneself to be obedient to God’s call to love even the unlovely.
thank you kristine. it’s something i’m dealing with in my own life. =)
beautiful post. forgiveness rolls off the tongue so much easier than the heart. And isn’t it so true that lack of forgiveness just poisons our own souls and keeps us stagnant. and yes, i have to tell my kids the same things…forgive those that wound and even those that wound without remorse, but God knows there are days that i have to dig deep to grab for extra grace and not smack back. in the line of life. lovely words…thank you. And love the “new look”
thanks!!
and yes, the days of digging deep for grace are sometimes more frequent than others. yes. yes.
sigh…
Excellent words, Sarah. You touched on the central issue. As I tell (myself) and those I teach, “If we are counting the times of forgiveness, then we are not forgiving.” With God and his forgiveness, life is only one sin old (“I will forgive their sins and remember them no more” Jer. 31:34).
Well done!
oooh. i love that. If we are counting then we are truly not forgiving!! thank you for your comment! and yes, i love that verse from jeremiah.
Sarah,
I am always amazed at how your posts resonate with me. I found reading “The Bondate Breaker” was helpful in forgiveness and “letting go” of so many other issues.
There is a grief book that says, “Forgiveness is giving up hope of a different or better yesterday.” I believe this to be true. Forgiveness requires acceptance and, as YOU said, “I’m learning slowly that acceptance of a thing can be painstakingly slow.”
One minute at a time………………….literally!
http://irishtripletsrecovery.blogspot.com/
yes, acceptance can be so dang slow. ugh.
i like the forgiveness definition you gave. so true!!
Thank you Sarah. While I try my best to practice grace filled forgiveness in my own life, God used your post to bring someone to mind today. Beautifully written.
so glad misty. i’ll be whispering those names right along with you. =)
I struggle with also guarding our hearts, and the hearts of those we need to protect? I seek to forgive as God instructs,; yet I also do not think that God desires for us to be door mats. Questions I seek His wisdom for: how do we accept people with their mistakes, forgiving while holding them accountable for their actions? how do we protect ourselves from unhealthy behaviors while reaching out to love? I want my kids to be peacemakers, yet not at the expense of not standing up for love and righteousness. Same for me. Can I sit back and meekly forgive while others abuse or is there a balance? The Boundaries books have spoken so much truth to my heart as I seek out answers to these questions. There is wisdom in choosing who will influence us, who we will allow into our hearts. Others can tear our hearts down. to the point where we aren’t able to be all we were meant to be..
i wholeheartedly agree that we must guard who we let influence us. so much. i’ve been remiss in my life in this regard, unfortunately.
I know what you are talking about.. There are some instances where a person can verbally or physically hurt us to the point of a nervous breakdown. Sometimes when we forgive, it means that relationship cannot be the same as it once was, or even at all. God does nor want us to stay in dangerous situations that threaten our faith in Him. I think that is when we have to forgive, and truly truly forgive, but from afar.
Thanks for speaking truth and wisdom to us Sarah! A long and never-ending road as we live this life…. =)
May Our Lord give us grace as we intentionally live this truth, and give us people like you to inspire and encourage us to do so!
yes!! may He give us grace!
What spoke to me the most was …..
And then once we’ve forgiven today {because today is easier than forgiving for all of eternity} we must wake up again tomorrow and do it again. Whenever the sting rises, we have to jump full feet into radical forgiveness. Infinity times infinity, if it comes to that.
It’s an everts day struggle for me.
Thank you.
thank you lily!!
i totally needed to read this sarah! this is something i have really been struggling with lately and i have been feeling that same “not forgiving is the stronger thing to do”, though i know it is far from the truth. i have started realizing that forgiveness is not just a magic event that happens once, but an everyday process of asking God to soften my heart and remove the bitterness. definitely hard but we are not in it alone!
we are not in it alone!! =)
My mom, not a writer, asked to post on my blog today. I was shocked when she sent me an essay around forgiveness. Did you know that 40 years ago (this week) an historic photo was taken of the Napalm Girl? She’s the one running through the streets of Vietnam naked? Anyway, she grew up, became a believer by discovering the bible at a library, and now speaks on forgiveness. My mom got to meet her last week. The story touched my heart. God works in amazing ways.
wow. i had no idea. that is amazing. do you know that woman’s name?
Kim Phuc. I’ve met her during a speaking tour, she was so inspirational. The book is well worth reading.
http://www.amazon.ca/The-Girl-Picture-Photograph-Vietnam/dp/0140280219
thank you for that!! sounds amazing. =)
This post was exactly what I needed in my current sesason of life. Thank you. I blogged about your post today on my blog. Forgivenss is something that I battle with daily. The wrongs that I have endured seem to great to be forgiven but that isn’t what God calls me to practice. Thank you for this much needed reminder.
Thank you Sarah!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your gifts with us. I feel GOD uses you to speak to me all the time. Your words, your stories, your honesty, your humbleness, your wisdom are such a blessing. This is a great reminder of how we should not sin even when we are angry. Unfortunately I do this all the time. Fortunately I am doing it less thanks to GOD’s grace and incredible strength he gives me. I am going to share this with others! Everyone needs to read it cuz it’s so incredible!
I read this post last night, as I was laying in bed and trying to calm my mind. I’ve been struggling with forgiving someone close to me and every word of this was so helpful and such a blessing. I found myself in tears after reading this part:
“Sometimes forgiveness is a whisper at night. When the anxiety and the hurt has woken us up once again at 2:47 with no hopes of falling back asleep. It’s the whisper, the name of the betrayer and “Lord, help” added to the end. Speaking the small, weak prayer is a step toward grace and healing. Because that person holds only as much power over us as we allow.”
I’ve struggled with what to ask God for, with what words to use when I pray about the situation, because I don’t know what I want, or what would make it better. Your simple prayer was just what I needed, so thank you.