Invisible nets of parental weariness gather wayward children as they leave the amusements. Fighting bouts of guilt and exhaustion equally, we adults wish we were seven or ten with the structure and dependence and energy of a child.
Oh to be able to fall asleep in the car on the way home and not to be the one who must drive! To not be the one who must work, even now, when we’d rather rest. To not be the one who must wrangle dusty children into bathtubs or kiss little I-don’t-want-to-go-to-bed cheeks for the seventy-second time.
To not have to be in charge.
Sometimes I look at my van keys and wonder, “Who trusted me with these?”
“When did I grow up and stop wanting to go down the water slides?”
“Who gave me the credit cards?”
We are a tired herd of people, stumbling at the end of the day to the parking lot. As soon as they realize their cries of But I Don’t Want To Leave Yet won’t be answered with their fantasies, children ask to be carried on shoulders or on hips the last bit of the way.
For now at least, I think, they want to be directed. They want to be given rules and boundaries. They want the border named TOO MUCH and they want to rest safely behind it. Even if they protest.
{Secretly I want the same thing.}
Maybe I gave myself the van keys. I grew up somewhere between twenty-two and now and entered the collective named Responsible or Dependable or Adult. I entered the place where my actions create a real life consequence. I walked right in and set down my things.
In my heart, I don’t know when I became an adult. The switch was never tangible. All of a sudden here I am. And I drive children all around the county all day long. Every day. And I have deadlines and due dates for bills and a dent in my hood because I ten-miled-an-hour someone at a stoplight.
But sometimes I don’t want to be in charge. I don’t necessarily want to eat Sees on the sofa all day and watch the Olympics. But sometimes I don’t want to be the One Who Knows Where Everything Is in the house. I get tired of being the one who is utterly responsible for walking the dog/doing the laundry/making sure the school supplies are purchased for September.
I want to be the one who falls asleep in the car on the way home.
Someday my own kids will be among the herd of spent parents as they steer their own littles out to the car on a summer night.
But until then I will still drive my kids around town all day every day, I’ll live with the dent in my hood and I will stay awake as the van makes it’s way up Interstate 5 on it’s way home with the most precious of cargo.
I will accept the responsibility of parenting and adulthood with awe and I will remind myself that all of life, even the exhausted, tired days of it are sprinkled with as much joy as pain and as much laughter as weeping.
And I will never cease to be amazed that Somebody, somewhere trusted me with the van keys.
Sarah, I love this post, I still wonder why everyone around me looks so grown up and I am not. I have to actively remind myself that I am grown up and that it is a good thing. Taking care of the kids and the dog and the house is a privledge of growing up, not a burden, as I feel some days. Soon the kids will be grown up and the dog will pass on and I will long for the days when they needed me.
Thanks for the thoughts. Beautiful…
thank you carolyn!! good wise words for this mama. =)
oh I so know this fatigue and questioning. The age old question of why DO I have to grow up?
Because we do.
Because we are the parents, and grandparents, and it is our reponsibility to say ‘it is bedtime’ for them and for us.
Even when we don’t want to stop for the day. Yes as the above person said ‘someday they won’t need you as much’ and that my friend is a lonely time. So be thankful for where you are and be blessed by the fatigue. It is a short time and season.
Great writing.
yes it is sharon. thank you!
“In my heart, I don’t know when I became an adult. The switch was never tangible. All of a sudden here I am.” Yes. I relate to this so much.
Thank you for your honest reflection. I often wish I wasn’t the grown up. But, here I am. And when I was a kid? I wanted to be the grown up more than anything. Why is it so difficult to appreciate the stage we are in while we are there?
I love your conclusion. Yes, no matter the tears or joy or exhaustion or amazement, each day is a gift.
yes!! right? thank you so much for your comment =)
I can only respond with the words “Right on time.” My day filled with pain and weeping, yet you’ve reminded me to search for the joy. I will focus on finding the joy in it. Thank you…..
oh, i’m so sorry Jennifer. May God bless you today and fill your morning and afternoon with happiness and peace. I will pray God’s intervention today in your life and in your home.
i love this…as each day i always wonder, “was i enough or even good at this role they called motherhood?” Knowing deep inside that children are long term investments…worn and tired to the bone at the end of the day, but at least acknowledging that seeds were planted that one day will grow. and yes, kind of crazy that “we” are in charge….some days i still feel like i just got my license…then i look in the rear view mirror and realize there is a 35 year old staring back at me:) great post…
oh gosh yes. they are long term investments. =)
I can’t tell you how many times through the years my kids were growing up, I said your exact sentiments! Now they are all grown and there is a part of me that is so delighted, and there is a part of me that wishes I could take back those times of wishing myself away from enjoying their moments. But what joy it is to see them grown-up and to know I poured my best into them.. Each day is a gift and part of a season of life!
Great post!
thank you Bev!! i’ve appreciated all the good words (wisdom) from the mothers who are a little step ahead of me in the journey. =)
I suppose in some ways I hope I never do. To always see wonder in the small and ordinary, to always look for Aslan in the forest and to always believe in fairies, to always expect the impossible, to never be hindered by words like “unrealistic” “unlikely” or “nothing but a dream”… in these ways I hope I never “grow up.”
I do wish I was a bit more grown up when I have to set reminders to pay bills or else I will forget. I wish I was more grown up when I lose objects I should not lose, fail miserably at prioritizing, focusing, overcoming apathy, being responsible for myself (God knows I’m no where near being responsible for another person). I wish I was more grown up when I forget how blessed I am, here in the “real world” in the silence of my empty grown up apartment, friends and family all very far away. I wish with a college degree and adulthood and bills and rent and getting tired by 10 pm and a desk job in a cubicle under florescent lights that I had become a grown up in all the wisdom and maturity attributed to the word.
But still, in my wild, whimsical, dancing, overly passionate spirit, I hope I never do.
i absolutely love this jenna!
Thanks, back at you!
This is lovely, just lovely. In my younger days I ached to be right here holding the “van keys” and yet it often I think who trusted me with ALL of this? Thank you for the reminder of The One who did and does trust me (and all of us).