Most of us don’t touch failure with a ten foot pole.
We avoid it, side-step it, move around it.
We drop out of class before we actually take the F. To err is human, perhaps. But we treat “erring” as if it is less than human.
I take my kids to an art studio yesterday morning. They choose a ceramic piece, pick out a brush or two and begin to assemble a palette of colors. Red, chartreuse, indigo, lavender, and pink. Of course pink. No color is wrong. No color is right. It all just is.
They paint and make mistakes. The younger one paints with abandon; the older one has a clear idea in her head of what it will look like. She is more skilled than her six-year-old sister. Neither are afraid to ask for help.
Neither of them walked into the studio with the thought:
If only I can do a really, really good job that will look professional will this be a good experience.
No. It is something more like this:
I can choose any color I want. Any color in the whole studio! I will take as long as I want to do this and it will be fun.
It will be fun.
Fun is their motivation. The experience, the journey, and the actual creative process are the rewards. It isn’t a professionally configured piece of craftsmanship and the art comes as a result of the journey. In this scenario, there is no such thing as failure. Even a badly painted item would not be a failure; it would be a beautiful success as a part of the artistic process.
Children learn a second language much quicker than adults not only because their brains are spongy and greedy for information, but because they are not afraid to fail. They aren’t afraid to conjugate a verb wrong so they simply speak it out incorrectly. With children, we have patience in this. We repeat the correct word for them several times when they are learning to talk. We even repeat it with a smile.
With adults, we aren’t so forgiving. Adults have a harder time at it because we are conditioned to be scared to fail at it. I won’t try the new Spanish word because most likely I’ll be saying it wrong. So I keep my mouth shut.
I can’t help but wonder what we could learn if we weren’t afraid to fail. And what kind of help we would get if we weren’t so prideful to let the asking of it get in the way. What kinds of things would we try if we weren’t worried about shame and disappointment?
This isn’t only about writing books and art projects and going back to school or to counseling. It’s about forgiveness and marriage and parenting. It’s about love and picking up the phone and getting out of bed in the morning. It’s about asking hard questions and repeating the mantra: what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen?
Let’s help the world cultivate a culture where failure is okay and where the worst that can happen is that we try again. Let’s say no to shaming others for mistakes and celebrating only successes. Let us celebrate the journeys and the days spent getting messy in the art studio. Let us take joy in the “erring” and know that it is a glorious part of being human.
And the worst that can happen? It isn’t shame or failure or disappointment. It’s not trying at all.
What would you try if there was no fear of shame or failure?
oh, the glory of this. you are speaking to me struggle right now, and i can’t express how thankful you have made my heart.
I don’t think we have a culture here where failure isn’t an option. That sounds harsh. I think America of all countries I know is the most second-chancy-place, the most encouraging with the attitude of, hey, if this wasn’t meant to be your career, then maybe that other thing will be, just try it. I’m from Germany where you pick your lifelong profession when you’re 18 and that’s it. Changing lanes halfway through is looked upon with raised eyebrows. Now that I find to be a straight-jacket.
i agree with this to a point. I’m sure that in comparison with other countries we offer a lot of second chances. But in general, there is still a culture of judgement and shame when others commit moral failure and a culture of embarrassment when we commit our own professional or creative failures. I’m just calling for a more easy going view of all of us to engage others with an attitude of letting us all keep trying for as many times as we need.
Wow! How true those words are – especially the perspective on learning a new language. THAT is my problem: fear of failure. My husband is Russian, and for the past few years we’ve known each other, I’ve been trying to learn… but I will only speak it around him out of fear of saying something incorrectly around his family. It’s restricting, and doesn’t allow me to fully learn and grasp the language.
“What kinds of things would we try if we weren’t worried about shame and disappointment?”
WOW. thank you for this. for this is the question that i need to ask my heart tonight.
I totally relate to this post, Sarah. Well said. Perfectionism is so binding. For me, pride is at the root, and I don’t want to be less than perfect, because then I’ll fail, and if I fail, what if they make fun of me? What if people laugh? What if I make a fool of myself? So it’s fear and lack of confidence in who I am, what I AM good at, what my gifts are. Because I fear that people won’t like me or think I’m “less than” if they see me trip up and stumble. All, of course, an identity issue for me.
I am slowly breaking free of this, just by purposely putting myself in situations where I KNOW I will fail. I golfed last weekend at a family reunion, best ball, with people I didn’t know well (I’m a horrible golfer) and even though I whiffed it several times, chunked out tons of divots, and my ball was never used, they actually still liked me!! No one rolled their eyes or decided I was a loser. They all cheered when my ball went more than 20 feet, and even once caught some air! So that was a good experience for me. It’s a process. 
Thanks for letting me ramble, this is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. Really like your blog. 
what a great post. Thank you
This is beautiful. I think of this often as I struggle with the fears of failure. I guess being the victim of childhood abuse I often look to please people, look to be validate and significant. So I fear being judged and rejected. But God is patient and kind and has nurtured me through the process of healing from these emotions and pains. Your blog touched my heart. Thank you.
thank you Monica! I’m so glad! =)
I was listening to a radio program the other day in the car and they were talking about how to establish an environment of faith within our children. At our dinner table, we all share our “high/low” from the day. It’s perfect for my little boys because Cooper is only 3 so he usually shares the same high/low or repeats what the person in front of him shared. However, the radio host suggested a different version. He said their family each share how they saw God work in their day AND, one mistake they made. I love it. It’s good for us to share our mistakes and failures. It’s even better to think back over our day and recognize where, when, why it happened. That’s how we grow. Can you imagine a dinner table each night that’s safe to share your failure from the day?
This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot over the last week. I have a passage by Thomas Merton on my internet homepage about mistakes.. The first line says, “We must expect to be making mistakes all the time.” I’ve be repeating this over and over in my head. Reminding myself that I/we learn because we make mistakes. I can’t expect to get it right the first time.
Thanks for sharing your heart Sarah.