Two weeks ago I had what I like to call an untethered day. There were tears and anger and frustration and lack of purpose. The day where you drop the ground coffee all over the floor at the same time the six year old accidentally dumps her breakfast cereal in the living room.
That kind of day. And I was spiraling deeper and deeper into somewhere I didn’t want to be.
“Girls, can you come pray for mommy?”
And I collapsed in the hall with a red face and a racing heart. I felt four little hands on my shoulder. My littlest began,
“Dear God, can you please help Mommy not be mad. Can you please help her feel better because, because we just love her so, so much. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”
The deepest of sighs escaped my lips. Little hands and little words can do such big things.
As my oldest finished and the two retreated to the corners of the house with their books and dolls, I sat there on the rug in the hall. I remained in the close, near presence of God called down by the honesty of six-year-old words and the almost embarrassing transparency of them.
Such simplicity and such grace from my small people.
Throughout this year I’ve been working on teaching my daughters to take responsibility for themselves and in small ways I feel like I’m making some strides in practical parenting.
I’m teaching my children to make their own food, I’m showing them how to do laundry and they, alone, are now in charge of cleaning our bathrooms. Last spring, they got up before school, packed their own lunches after brushed hair and teeth and then began getting out things for breakfast. And then on Saturdays or Thursday afternoons together we’d scrub toilets and sinks and I could sit back with satisfaction that I’m raising daughters with a few ounces of responsibility.
The word equipping keeps flying around my head as we work together. I must equip these girls to be responsible, to make the right choices and in the end, make the right choice about Jesus.
Yes. Their own choice.
My children learn Bible verses, they read and are read the Bible, and they pray. But at the end of it, when they’ve flown far from my daily view, their lives and choices must be ones they own. We can’t make those choices for them.
Whether we shelter our children from the world or whether we thrust them deep into it at an early age, our daughters and sons will make their own ways. The only thing we can do is to equip them to do this on their own.
Love God and others.
Offer grace.
Live rightly.
Wrestle with hard issues.
Ask good questions.
Depend on God.
Most of the time equipping simply means letting them watch us do those same things.
In the middle of my floor, sitting deeply in the words of my daughters and admitting my own failings, I knew that, no I hope that, they can see a human mother. A mother who is sad sometimes and happy sometimes but at all times needs her Creator to love her and carry her.
And someday, maybe they will choose to let others help carry them when they can’t make it anymore and when they are untethered and feel ill-equipped for the world like I so often do.
Is it hard for you, like it is for me, to show your humanity?
Do you worry about your children making bad choices? How do you manage those fears?
Almost twelve years ago, my humanity was in full view. I had lived for years “in hiding” but then I found myself very sick, in clinical depression, and in a hospital. I live in a small community. I was found out. But you know what, it has been one of the greatest blessings of my life! Sounds crazy (no pun intended). But now I just am who I am and you list reflects so well how I desire to live my life. I can be human because I have been to the bottom. I am free and happy in my skin. I struggle sometimes but God has given me something out of what most people might find shameful.
Yes, I worry about my children. Especially the one’s out of my house. It has been incredible how difficult it is when you kids leave and go into the world to live in their humanity and come up against things they didn’t face at home, when they make their own choices. Sometimes I cringe.. I try to remember to drop to my knees.
I love you list and with your permission I am going to use it with a ladies group I will be meeting with soon about starting a mentoring group. We need each other to stay tethered and we need voices of truth in our lives. I love you voice Sarah. Thank you for this thoughtful post.
yes, please use it! i would be honored! thank you so much for your thoughtful and heartfelt response, dea.
I really needed to read that. My daughter is 3 and a half but seems to understand me more than I understand myself. Beautiful prayer said so well.
I do worry about her. I do worry about how I am raising her, and how she will face the world one day.
yes. i share your same worries. thank you so much for your comment!
thank you for that. I had one of those days as well, where all that went wrong just reduced me to tears. I felt like such a failure because I had reached that point, but after reading your post I have new thoughts. There will be days like that, sometimes they just happen. My kids saw me cry, my kids hugged and comforted me. I will definitely ask them to pray next time! I need to look at these moments as ones that I “get” to lean on Him and not moments that I’ve failed. And you are so right, where my kids can see just where I lean when I need to. Thanks for the perspective.
yes, we get to lean on him. so well said jennifer!
A couple of weeks ago I was working video/powerpoint at a funeral and was working with someone who tends to be very, very negative….and I let myself get caught up in that and said some things I regret. My 13 year old was with me and she actually called me on it and started to cry. And then I started to cry. She felt bad that she had to be the one to point out my humanity. At the time I was so devastated as her mom to have set a bad example. But we talked and prayed and it turned in to a good learning time for both of us. But as a mom that is so hard. As I look at it now I am proud because obviously she is learning to rely on God’s standards and not mine…ultimately that is what I strive for, even if it hurts sometimes. Great Post!!
ugh. i’ve been there. so glad for God’s grace!
Sending this along to my pops. He’s currently writing a book on the family! Your words are totally in keeping with the encouragement I believe his book will bring to parents. We can’t guarantee how our kids will turn out, all we can do is what we are called to do as parents.
I like how I say “we” as if I am close to being a parent at all…(-: It takes a village right?!?!
thanks joy! that means a lot!! =)
Wow Sarah! What a beautiful experience to have! Asking your girls to pray for you!! That is so wonderful in a million ways I cannot describe. But I did think about how your girls probably feel such peace and emotional safety in their home! Due to your being real with them, there are no underlying tensions that can be felt. What a great thing you did by asking for prayer! Now THAT’S teaching them to depend on God. Yay!!
i hope so. thank you suzanne!
Oh, this post touched a nerve and pierced my heart. Today has been one of the days where I’ve felt most defeated as parent…ever. I struggle with letting people see my humanity, but it’s multiplied with my children.. We want to be perfect in their eyes, you know? But will that ever point them to the Cross? My guess is that it won’t. Thanks for reminding me of this!
oh i agree – it’s all multiplied with our kids! so sorry you’ve felt defeated. praying for rest and peace for you this evening.
Thank you for your comment. I must admit I do try to hide my humanity/weakness with my children. When you said “yet how will that point them to the cross?” I had a “Bingo Moment” if that makes any sense. Lol that statement hit me so powerfully and helped me see I want to be myself in front of my children because u r so right!! It points them to Jesus. Thank you so much for sharing that!!!!!!!
Sarah, I can’t answer all your questions at the end, because I am still crying about those little hands and hearts praying for you. Yes, you are equipping them. Yes. Thank you and God bless you!
thank you debbie. they are gifts to me and are teaching me so much.
Praise the Lord for those moments when we can take a step back and remind ourselves that our children are disciples and need opportunities to shine. To bless us with their simple hearts for the Lord and purity in prayer. To give them chances to practice their faith in the Lord…such beauty Sarah. Thank you for sharing this window into your home and heart. I need to practice this more and more myself. Love you dearly sister!
Such a blessing to allow our children to practice their faith. To allow them opportunities to shine. I am so blessed to read how you gave them that time and to take a moment to breathe in a suffocating space. Well done mom! Those girls are learning to run to their heavenly Father for any and all things, including their strong mommy! That is such a wonderful lesson to learn…may they continue to be equipped in the practical and the spiritual. Thank you for sharing a window into your soul today my lovely sister! Kisses and hugs to you…
Sarah~
It’s hard to have faith without mistakes. That’s usually where it’s discovered, I think.
This is so hard! Mine are all teens now…and our oldest is a senior in high school this year. What has gotten me through those questions is the fact that it is not my responsibility to create Godly children……it is my responsibility to make sure my children have a Godly parent. Remembering that doesn’t take those questions away….but it has definitely helped me move past them and not get stuck there.
Isn’t it wonderful how, on untethered days, with our steps gone wild and our hearts loosed, we bump into God.
You have a beautiful weblog.