My kids have been in summer swimming lessons since age three. We don’t do swim team year round, but I have made sure that for at least the last seven summers, we’ve been at the city pool for lessons.
Except for this year.
In May {or maybe it was June — The end of school is a haze now} I got online and searched for available classes. Nothing was available until the second session which didn’t open for registration until July 1.
I put the date on my calendar and wondered if we really, sincerely needed lessons this year. They just make the summer so busy.
I have what I like to call Activity Guilt. Maybe it’s the sports culture in my geographic area, maybe it’s the media or maybe it’s my own personal hang-ups, but in the last decade plus six months of parenting, I have had to fight the growing monster of giving my children every possible experience, class and lesson at our fingertips.
All the good dancers/pianists/swimmers start at age 3 right? And I’ve missed it somehow. If they haven’t begun it by now, they will never have a fighting chance.
Sometimes thoughts like this gnaw at me.
There is a growing tension in this culture to turn our children into these titans of sport or art and that they must choose their forever path by age nine or ten. And I am fully aware that my “activity guilt” is a result of this culture.
I was the mom who took her 18 month old to music-play time at the city activity center and who signed her 2 ½ year old up for dance {way too early, I might add. She ran laps around the ballet studio and yelled like a banshee}. I’m sure that those early classes did not come from a place of guilt, but from a sincere desire for my tiny person to learn and for us to learn together.
But as they’ve grown and more and more of their friends are in soccer/volleyball/cheer and girls scouts, youth theater and fine arts classes, the pressure to push them into more things is tangible. For the most part as a family we have not succumbed to dozens of activities or weekend-long tournaments of any kind, but many families around us do.
On one hand, I believe there isn’t anything wrong with giving a child the tools she needs to get better in an activity. The life lessons that can be learned from participating in teams and the personal discipline that is learned from working hard in an individual sport can be priceless.
If she’s a natural ballet dancer and we can afford it? Take her to class.
If he loves soccer? Sign him up for AYSO.
If she comes alive when she’s on a horse? Do what we can to help that grow.
But IF we can’t afford it, IF there isn’t a internal love and desire for the sport or art, if the children aren’t getting any down time or IF it’s just too much for our family’s schedule and we’re missing out on family dinners, I believe we should stop and think. We should make choices and it shouldn’t be from a place of guilt.
My older daughter is built like a softball player. She’s got great upper body strength and the few times she’s hit a ball with a bat, she’s connected and it’s gone far. But we had to make a choice. At age ten, believe it or not, there are very few recreational softball teams. Most teams are at some level travel teams that require 3-4 (or more) days a week of commitment.
After a brief conversation, my husband and I decided that kind of life wasn’t worth it for her or for us.
But in our area that decision means she will probably never play high school sports. And we all, even the most guilty feeling of us, need to be okay with that.
July 1 came. I thought about it. I thought about our August and about how much summer should be about trips to the park and the pool and lazy pancake mornings and I simply let the deadline slide by me. Instead, we’ve had time for hikes and trips to the beach with the grandparents and afternoons at home surrounded by books.
And you know what? We’re all just fine.
** On a personal note, my daughters have one year round and one seasonal activity each. That is what has seemed to work for them individually and our family as a whole. I recognize that some children are capable of more and I also recognize that some families may even see our family as doing too much {especially larger families where more children equal more activities}. All in all, choices like this vary family to family and I believe each one of us should make the right choices for our families as we see fit.
How does your family fight against over-scheduling? What have you found that works for you and your family?
Fortunately for our family, because I teach private piano lessons in people’s home – before we even had kids I got to get a first hand glimpse into the lives of many “well-to-do” families in our area. One of the things I began to notice as that the poor kids were WAY over scheduled. Sometimes I feel so sorry for them as they come into their lesson and plop down on the bench as if, a piano lessons in yet another “lesson” on their force fed weekly schedule. I knew that the parents meant well, and wanted the best of everything for their kids. And because they could afford it they thought that’s what they were doing. But I quickly noticed that it was difficult for these over-scheduled children to be truly good at or fall in love with any one thing because they were just exhausted!
Because I learned this lesson through the lives of other families I have never gone that route with our 7 1/2 and 6 year old. They each get to pick one thing to stick with through the year and for summers, so far I haven’t scheduled activities although we keep plenty busy doing things together all summer long. My laid back approach works for our family and we don’t feel like we’re running ourselves ragged feeling like we might miss out on being something great if we don’t!
Sarah- this is the first time I have visited your site… your caption… “The summer we didn’t do swim lessons” … caught my eye because, even though we don’t do swim lessons in the summer (bc we do them during the school year for exercise) I felt like I could relate to the thought of how fast this summer went bye and felt a little guilt all of a sudden for not having done any fantastic activities with my kids regularly during this summer.
I am writing a book and this summer has been a crunch time for me to get it done before the new year starts… it has been intense… and I have felt guilt for not making the priority to do more fun stuff for them. But after reading your post maybe it was a good thing to have a summer with no obligations of required activities… so they could just be kids on a farm! Thanks
hi Angie! i’m so glad you are here!
there should be no guilt! i agree. thank you so much for sharing today!
I have three boys, ages 11, 8, and 5. We long ago decided that our kids would do one thing each. It doesn’t matter what they do, as long as they are doing something. Currently, they all play baseball. It wreaks havoc on us during baseball season, but we do only fall and spring. No summer leagues, and no select teams. My oldest would thrive on a select team, but we won’t do it because of the time and travel involved. (Note I said won’t, not can’t.) We have his brothers to cheer for as well.
There have been times when they’ve asked to do other things. My oldest wanted to join boy scouts. Which is a great organization, and I’d love for him to join. But we can’t commit to that and baseball, so I made him choose. Each time he’s interested in something else, I give him the choice. So far, he’s always chosen baseball, but if he chooses something else, then that’s fine.
We also quit swim lessons for the summer. It was the best choice, even though my youngest still isn’t able to go on his own in the water. It was a great choice. Instead of going places and being busy, the boys have relaxed. Played. Been kids! They’ve spent a lot of time with a friend down the street. I was worried that the friendship was falling apart, but it’s grown stronger this summer because we haven’t been doing things. It’s been good for all of us.
i love it liza. and choices, i think, are good for kids. thanks for sharing how your family does it!
Sarah, this is a great post.
Summer is the time that our family spends a lot of time together. Our children are young (5,6,9) so, our activities are less complicated than some. I try so hard to enjoy summer time like the good ‘ole days, when I was growing up. For us that means campfires in the back yard with S’mores, homemade lemonade, pool parties, bikes, etc.
We allow the kids to stay up late, as well as sleepovers.
I am sure there are families that are doing many more things than us, but these are the times that we bond……and it happens so naturally around common activities like these.
I don’t think it’s true that just because a child hasn’t been involved in a particular sport since the age of 3, that they can’t compete in HS sports. When my son was younger, something traumatized him about water and the 1st (and only) swim lesson I had signed him up for, he froze and just hung onto the wall. When he was in Jr. High, we lived in a house with a pool in our backyard that he wanted to swim in. He would only put his face in the water with his snorkel on (which my husband lovingly referred to as his “dumbo feather”), he also joined the surf club (but surfed mainly in the white wash). His freshman year of HS, he wanted to join the swim team. 3 days before try-outs I took him to a local swimming pool to teach him the freestyle stroke (I was on swim team in HS, and know how to swim)…he made it on the team,. He trained and competed in the OC Triathlon the past 3 years (placing within the top 3 for his division the past 2 years). And for his Senior year awards banquet, awarded with the “Victory with Honor” award
. He is currently at Air Force basic training, entering the Pararescue Jumper program!!! God willing, my hero will be starting superman school next month! I’m so proud of him! 
you are totally right and i love the story you told!! you must be very proud of your son. i was just highlighting the growing issue that most kids who enter high school sports have been working at that sport for several years already before ninth grade. most, not all. there are some exceptions to the rule and also a lot has to do with school size, geo area, affluence, regional sports culture, etc.
And also, so much has changed since I was in school, too. There wasn’t the same kind of pressure there is now.
I do love your sentiment of this post about not over-extending the activities of our children. I think kids today, in general, don’t have enough downtime to just be kids. Or worse yet, being pushed into activities that are not their passion. Many of these parents are sadly teaching too much about competition, instead of teamwork. Sounds like you are making an excellent choice for your family
BTW, here is a post I wrote about my son competing in the 2011 OC Triathlon. This was even before the first time he ever spoke to his AF Recruiter. Whoever thought his passion, years of hard work and training, and persistance would turn into this incredible opportunity for him? I certainly didn’t know 4 years ago, as I was teaching him the freestyle stroke to complete the ONE LAP requirement to join the school’s swim team, that it would lead to this. Only God knew! And yes, I am very proud of my son
http://heartandhaven.com/2011/05/23/the-race-and-the-winner-is/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+HeartAndHaven+%28Heart+and+Haven%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
Yes. I have a friend whose son has played baseball since in the womb and has played year round. His first two years of high school he did not make the baseball team and he’s GOOD. We were all shocked. So much competition. Yet he ended up making the high school tennis team and wrestling team and enjoyed it fully! While I certainly think Sarah’s daughter may return to baseball if she chooses, I also love the swimming story!! God has the ultimate say at times, doesn’t he?!! And it can be such a pleasant surprise. btw MAJOR kudos to you for taking your son to the pool to teach him freestyle. Just beautiful, what love, and I’m smiling from head to toe.
Oh and Sarah, isn’t your baseball girl also the horse girl? Won’t that be fun to see how it all turns out?
. From online, I can truly say I love your girls and am excited for them!!
Bravo, Sarah! Sounds like you have made common sense, reasonable and intelligent decisions for your family. Don’t give up on those school sports if it’s what the girls want to do (Krissy & Robin both got involved in swim team once they were in high school, with nothing more than swim lessons when they were little, 1 or 2 summers of Orange Parks & Rec summer swim team and a pool in the back yard. They both had a great sport experience, with lifetime friendships. (And they both lettered, too!) Do what works best for YOUR family – your kids will grow up healthy and balanced and that’s what counts!
Hi Sarah! I love this post. I have two sisters who are a bit older than me. We were talking one day about this. One sister had kids who did every sport and team her husband could get them into. Crazy busy. The other sister had kids who also did quite a bit of sports. They both expressed their regret at having their kids do too much and not spending enough time just being with their kids.
thank you so much for this, nancy. it reinforces my (and other families’) decisions.. =)
I have been lucky because my kids have been very evident in the things they are talented in and passionate about. I think you need to pay attention to the things your kids have natural ability for and start there. My daughter has been singing and dancing on her own since she could walk so dance lessons at 3 were perfect for her. We tried soccer for a few seasons with both my kids but the passion and love for it wasn’t there so we moved on. My daughter still dances on the competition team at school and sings in the high school worship choir and made varsity show choir this year so she has found her niche and she is talented and passionate about it so is in it for the long haul. My son played sports until he begged for guitar lessons and we started him down that road and he soared. Was in a rock band all through jr high and high school and got to play places like the House of Blues in Anaheim. But again, he had the natural talent and the passion. Know your kids and know what lights them up, what they are passionate about. Then the activities they are in will mean more to them and they will soar. Also, we never sacrificed family time for our kids activities. We still had dinner together at least 4-5 times a week even during the busy seasons. It is all about balance and priorities. Thanks for the great post!!!
so true Leslee! I agree with you. =)
My children are in high school and college now, and looking back I must say I am SO THANKFUL God did not allow me to have my kids live a crazy whirlwind. Same thing — they each committed to one thing. That way they had time to be with their friends, be home as a family, and just “be”! I cannot take the credit, I really can’t, I know God led me because I am an overachievr and not proud of it. So it HAD to be God. Lol. Also, since I’m an older mom and can look back, some of those “boring” summer days launched my kids into seeking out hobbies. I think having personal hobbies are so important to have because it helps us when we are lonely, and it can simply be a great way to express oneself and bring happiness. So don’t feel guilty if your kids have some boring spells — good things can come from it, I think.
i agree. im a firm believer in “boredom” =)
Oh yeah, I forgot. When my kids were in grade school having family dinners every night was easy. In the teenage years it was not. My son was involved in drama and there were long stretches during the year where he was rehearsing until 8 or 10 at night. So we had to adjust and be a tad more creative during those times!
Kids just need to be KIDS. some time to play with their siblings and the children in the neighbourhood, unstructured interaction is important. Our society seems so set on us Do, DO, DOING and we don’t get time to BE
Just give your children a weekend of no schedules and get them out in the yard, go do some gardening yourself and just be in the yard….see what your children come up with….a cubby house….playing on the bicycles….playing tag, or they might pull out all those dolls or trucks and play and imagine and explore.A weekend of interacting with one another in a differrent way
Love your posts Sarah
This makes a lot of sense to me. I just have one child, a 2 yr old, but already I am beginning to think about this issue – lots of his “friends” are already in swimming and gymnastics classes. I find it hard to commit to an activity when, as a full time WOHM, I only get to see him a few hours each evening as it is (plus wknds of course).
yes!! a lot of working moms would rather just be with their kids. i agree zarah. be released. there is no guilt. =)
My mom had a two activity limit for us and that was great. If we wanted to try something new, we had to give something up. There were sometimes exceptions in the summertime if my brother made an all-star team or I wantes to go to a day camp. However, we still had time to be kids. I plan to use this strategy with my daughter.
We have five kids and life could get crazy if we let it. But, we want family dinners at least 4 times during the week so we limit all kids to one activity during the year. We try to go to any activities together and make everything a family outing. We also are very quick to say no when things get to be too much.
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for writing this! I battle with “Activity Guilt” (well put!) for what I DO sign up for, and what what I DON’T sign up for! What is a mother of the 21st century to do??!!
I have always said I WOULD NOT SIGN MY KIDS UP FOR MORE THAN ONE ACTIVITY AT A TIME….and now I am totally eating my words as I look at our Fall schedule. I fully believe that kids need time to be, and then I wrestle with wanting to give them opportunities that I never had.