I never knew that before. And here I am sitting among them wondering if I’ll always be like this or if this is something overcomeable.
And then the leader, one of the times, after her name instead of “I’m a codependent,” says, “I’m a recovering codependent.” And I join in to tell her “Hello” and then I think.
Yes. I know it’s possible.
My default has always been control. Because of chaos or fear. Because of insecurity or anxiety. Because for many of us, it just is our default. Some of us control more than others and then (if we’re lucky) we find ourselves in a CoDA group surrounded by other controllers. But most of us, even the best of us, want to control a little.
The last month has proven to be at the same time the worst and the best of my life.
The worst, because. Well, because I’m looking hard at my insides at it hurts. I’m looking deeply at the ways I’ve hurt others and it’s a grievous process. The worst because I wonder how I’ve gotten this far in this life and not really seen certain parts of myself clearly. It has been the worst because changing is almost always painful because it means breaking.
But it has been the best because of all those same reasons. The best because I truly am changing. The best because even though change is painful, it’s the good pain of creating new muscle or mending a broken bone — it’s productive pain. The best because at the same time I’m finding the parts of me that have been sick, I’m also finding the parts of me that deserve to be celebrated.
Will I ever be the same? No. After this past month I will not be the same person. Pain never lets you be the same. Pain is both selfish and selfless, giving as much as it takes.
But here’s the thing. I don’t want to be the same. I’m still in the manic midst of this but I’m beginning to understand that I will be fuller and more able to love in healthy ways. I will be more “me” than I was before. I will be more of who I was created to be, even with these painful change, and I’m just fine with that.
Hi, I’m Sarah. And I’m a codependent.
Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m a controller.
Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m full of fear.
But hopefully, both soon and someday, I will be a recovering codependent, a recovering controller and live in confidence and security.