I’m going to be honest but I’m not going to wallow.
I’ve had two separate (but familiar because they are so similar) disappointments recently.
Two distinct opportunities that I thought God had placed in my lap. Two ways in which (somehow) I’d been in good favor. Two amazing things in which I would have been able to speak to the hurt in others, proclaim the beauty He’s made from ashes, and see people healed. Two platforms to share our (mine and God’s) story in a more public venue. Two opportunities through which I would have been able to point glory to God.
But both things fizzled.
Follow: feelings of rejection paramount with a high school I’ll-never-be-popular-enough mentality.
Obviously someone had made a mistake. These two things seemed so… PLANNED BY GOD. How can God plan something and then, I guess, UNplan it? I’d come to expect His grace and favor, so these disappointments seemed like a kick in the teeth by a God who I thought had my future in mind.
He does have my future in mind, and He didn’t kick me in the teeth. In fact, he’s preserving me.
What I’m realizing is that I can’t make God love me any more than He does right now. Any favor I’ve received from God or man is by His grace. Not because of anything I’ve done and I can’t do anything to grow in favor. I’m His costly, expensive treasure whom He’s already bought with His blood.
And God will have His glory regardless of the opportunities He puts in my path. His message will be shared whether it is my lips (or pen) that speaks it. The beauty He creates from dust will be shown even if its not the beauty He’s created in me, but the beauty in someone else.
Back in the spring, God gave me this book to write. And then in the summer, He told me He’d give me the time. And ever since I’ve been trying to carve minutes out of my already busy days to do it. Maybe these disappointments would only have served to be distractions. Maybe God does know what He’s doing. This might be God giving me time to do what I know He’s called me to do and helping me preserve my heart-energy (something that comes in small portions lately) for the things that are most important.
He protects me.
He preserves me.
He stands beside me.
And any platform that I might use to speak God’s story should only be the platform that Jesus Himself has built. I don’t want to stand on anything else.
So yes, I’m disappointed in the giving and the taking away. I’m disappointed that I can’t share to those people who would have heard. I’m saddened that I won’t be changed by the women and men I might have met. And it sure doesn’t feel good to be disappointed.
But now I’m seeing these disappointments as a means to God’s end in me.
Have you been disappointed lately? How is God using it to change you?
