I met a 60 year old GREAT grandmother in the park yesterday.

I don’t know if that is common elsewhere, but I’ve never met someone so young with 3 generations beneath her.  Great-Grandmother conjures up the image in my mind of 33 year old faded photograph of my mother, my grandmother and my great-grandmother all standing next to a one-year-old me next to a tree in Philadelphia.  Or an image of my 92 year old grandmother who goes by “Grammie-Great” to my own daughters.

Not a 60 year old blonde woman wearing purple cowboy boots chasing after a 3 year old little girl.

“I’m exhausted” she confessed as she plopped down beside me on a park bench. We watched my daughter and her great-granddaughter play on the slides, the only two children at the park.

“I can only imagine,” I offered.  “Do you watch her during the day?”

She began to tell me about her 21 year old grandson who’d gotten his girlfriend pregnant at 17 and the custody battle that ensued a couple years later.  She told me about the courts and the nightmares and the young woman who was now forever connected to their family as the mother of the little girl.  She told me that because her grandson is finishing school the 50% custody falls on her and her husband.

“I never thought I’d be raising a 3 year old at my age,” she finished.

Never thought.

Because I’m sure she had her life planned out a little.

I know I do:

When my girls are in school full time I will be able to devote my free time to writing. My kids will grow up, go to college and marry nice, Christian men when they are 25.  They’ll each have 2 or 3 kids of their own and everyone will live nearby. My husband will sell his company someday, we’ll retire and have time with each other and our family.

That’s the plan.

But my goodness, there are so many variables.  What if it doesn’t work out that way? One tiny tangent of the timeline will take everything off in a different direction.

A daughter could get pregnant at 16.

My husband could get sick.

My parents could need full time care from us when they age.

One of my girls might decide to move to Russia or Australia.

Things might turn out differently than I’ve planned. Not that I want any of those things to happen, but I think the key is this: stay flexible and keep my eyes on what is important.

Following Christ is important.  Relationships are important. Maintaining my integrity is important. And then whatever else happens, whatever unplanned, unforeseen, tangential event occurs, it will be okay.  Maybe not the best plan, or what I’VE planned, but it will be alright.

Maybe someday I’ll be the grandmother in purple boots running around the playground chasing a little girl who needs my love and stability like she needs the air.  And if so, that’s okay.

Has your life turned out like you planned? Do you have a plan?

I’m going to be honest but I’m not going to wallow.

I’ve had two separate (but familiar because they are so similar) disappointments recently.

Two distinct opportunities that I thought God had placed in my lap. Two ways in which (somehow) I’d been in good favor.  Two amazing things in which I would have been able to speak to the hurt in others, proclaim the beauty He’s made from ashes, and see people healed. Two platforms to share our (mine and God’s) story in a more public venue.  Two opportunities through which I would have been able to point glory to God.

But both things fizzled.

Follow: feelings of rejection paramount with a high school I’ll-never-be-popular-enough mentality.

Obviously someone had made a mistake.  These two things seemed so… PLANNED BY GOD. How can God plan something and then, I guess, UNplan it? I’d come to expect His grace and favor, so these disappointments seemed like a kick in the teeth by a God who I thought had my future in mind.

He does have my future in mind, and He didn’t kick me in the teeth. In fact, he’s preserving me.

What I’m realizing is that I can’t make God love me any more than He does right now. Any favor I’ve received from God or man is by His grace.  Not because of anything I’ve done and I can’t do anything to grow in favor. I’m His costly, expensive treasure whom He’s already bought with His blood.

And God will have His glory regardless of the opportunities He puts in my path. His message will be shared whether it is my lips (or pen) that speaks it.  The beauty He creates from dust will be shown even if its not the beauty He’s created in me, but the beauty in someone else.

Back in the spring, God gave me this book to write.  And then in the summer, He told me He’d give me the time.  And ever since I’ve been trying to carve minutes out of my already busy days to do it.  Maybe these disappointments would only have served to be distractions. Maybe God does know what He’s doing. This might be God giving me time to do what I know He’s called me to do and helping me preserve my heart-energy (something that comes in small portions lately) for the things that are most important.

He protects me.

He preserves me.

He stands beside me.

And any platform that I might use to speak God’s story should only be the platform that Jesus Himself has built. I don’t want to stand on anything else.

So yes, I’m disappointed in the giving and the taking away.  I’m disappointed that I can’t share to those people who would have heard. I’m saddened that I won’t be changed by the women and men I might have met.  And it sure doesn’t feel good to be disappointed.

But now I’m seeing these disappointments as a means to God’s end in me.

Have you been disappointed lately? How is God using it to change you?