I’m going to take a risk this morning and I’m going to ask you to take a risk too.

I want to pray for you all this morning again like we did awhile back.

But let’s do this:  Instead of praying for situations to change, let’s pray for us to change.

This is what I mean.  We usually pray for healing or for God to change a situation to meet our needs. For example:

“Lord, please heal my friend who is dying from breast cancer,” or

“Lord please bring peace to my marriage.” and

“Please give me time to complete all the tasks I have to do.”

Instead, let’s pray that God changes us. I know, I know, it’s super risky.  God cares deeply about the woman who is dying from breast cancer and about peace in our relationships. And I’m not saying those types of prayers aren’t good.  Let’s do something different today knowing that God’s ultimate goal for us is our transformation.  So let’s pray today that God stretches us to meet the demands of our crumbling worlds.

“Lord, stretch me to be the type of person that offers comfort and energy to those who are suffering.  Show me how I can be Christ to her ” or

“Lord, change me to be a better wife/husband to my spouse,” and

“Help me to complete my tasks with efficiency and teach me new ways to manage my time.”

This kind of prayer takes courage. It’s risky to ask God to change you.

Are you willing?

LEAVE YOUR PRAYER REQUEST IN THE COMMENTS. Let’s pray for one another today before the weekend begins.  Come back later in the day or the weekend and pray for those who have left requests before you. I will be praying for each of you today.

I have at least six of my daughter’s toy horses in a bag with broken legs and hooves.

I have a sewing basket for needles, thread and homeless buttons.  I have a place on my desk for tape to mend unintentionally ripped coloring pages.  I have boxes of batteries to fix electronic toys that have made their last sounds.

I fix broken things.

I put bandages on three-year-old knees and use words to bind up little spirits who’ve been wounded.  [I do the best I can to fix those].

As a mother, I’m a fixer of the broken.

But today, tonight, I need a broken heart. In fact I’m looking for one.  And I don’t want to fix it.

I need a heart that breaks for the world: a heart that hurts for the lost, for the less than, and for the needy. I need a heart that is broken for the hungry, for the ones without homes and for the fatherless.

I want eyes that well up when I witness oppression or slavery, for war-torn families and famine-ridden land.  I want to break in half for the ones who are dying, who are starving, who’ve been victimized.

I need a broken heart.

I want to feel for the unloved, the unwanted, and the unneeded.  I even want to break for those that hurt and abuse, because they’ve been abused [and You love them].

I want You to ravage me, ruin me and destroy me for normal life.

I need a broken heart, one that

glue,

tape,

or words can’t fix.

Because only with a broken heart can I learn how to love.

Do you?

I used to be afraid of healing.

What it would cost.

What it would mean.

What it would require of me.

Years ago, trying to function in my marriage while having an affair was like trying to run a marathon on a broken leg.  It just wasn’t working and there was something really, really wrong.

I knew things had to change and part of that included my healing, but I was worried about what that mending would cost.

What would it take to stitch up my heart, to make it pliable again when it had become so hard?  As if the pain from the healing would be worse than the pain in my current state.

Healing takes time I wasn’t wiling to give and energy I didn’t have.  It also takes a submission to the Healer that I was reluctant to begin.

And the worst of it, mending requires introspection. Looking at myself, at a blackened heart, is ugly.  I didn’t want to see it and I didn’t want anyone else to see it either.

Wounds need time for the air to purify and clean them.  Tendons and relationships need to grow back together where they have been severed.  Bones and trust need time to form new bonds and new connections.

When the pain in me became to great to  bear and the current state of me was uglier than I knew I could repair on my own, I broke in half.

Bones shattering, tendons ripping, ribs cracking, muscles tearing: the ugliness of breaking was almost as great as the carrying of the sin itself.

This is why healing is scary.  This is why people stay where they are — filled up with the hurt and the loss and the wrong — because it feels so much safer.  The pain we know is easier to medicate the pain we don’t know.  And I won’t lie; the tearing hurts.

But this pain was different.  It had a purpose.  Break in order to mend.

Because it doesn’t end there:  in the breaking.  The breaking is only the beginning. The Healer breaks, and then He mends.

Now I know that mending, even though it costs energy and time, even though it requires me to be silent and wait, even though it means looking closely at my broken places and ugly scars, is the only way to peace.

Peace with God.

Peace with myself.

And there is no fear in that.

Why do YOU think healing is so difficult and scary?

I’ve been busy lately writing in a couple other places than here.

So take a look at the short article I wrote for The Worship Community this morning.  I’m not a worship leader, but my husband has been for as long as I’ve known him, and even so, I write for the WC once in awhile.

Sitting Down (For the Record)

During worship, I sometimes sit.

You’ve seen me.  But then I disappear when everyone else stands, because now I’m hiding behind the dozens of standing bodies of everybody else worshiping.  I’m still there. But I’m sitting.

When the worship leader says stand,

And he says,

Raise your hands.

Close your eyes.

Praise Him…

Sometimes I’m sitting.

I know there’s freedom in worship and for the record I’m really not trying to be a rebel (If I was, I’d show up with a scowl and come in for the sermon only after the music is done.  Or I wouldn’t come at all.)

But I sit, sometimes…

Click here to read the rest of the article and Why I Sit sometimes.

And then come back.  Because last week, I wrote a short post on healing for my dear friend Jenni Clayville (who has walked the same road I have and has been brave enough to share her story on her own blog).  She posted my post on Friday here.

Itches and Miracles

It hurts to heal.  Or at least itches.

When I was a little girl I would scrape my knee/shin/elbow like all little girls do.  After a band-aid was in place my father would tell me not to itch it.  I would think, “It doesn’t itch yet, it just hurts!”

But he was right; as soon as the wound would begin to heal, it would begin to itch and I’d want to rip off the bandage and scratch scratch scratch until it felt better.

But what I didn’t realize was the itching it would have reopened the wound.  The scrape, even if it hurt and itched, needed the environment of the bandage to heal.

And time.  And then a miracle.

It’s the same with us.  With our big stories and big wounds and I-don’t-think-it-will-ever-be-the-same situations…

Click here to read the rest of the post.  If you haven’t met Jenni yet, you’ll love her.

Healing takes time.

I’m currently seeing a chiropractor for this crazy neck thing that I have.  He keeps saying that I have an old injury in my shoulder/neck that is causing me this pain almost 15 years later.  I thought and thought and I remembered that I had injured myself skiing when I was about 20.  Incidentally, that was the first and last time I skiied.

But the remnants of that shoulder injury are still here giving me the range of motion of a 90-year-old woman.  It might take a long time to be free from it.

Healing from my affair took time also.  In some respects, much of the triage, stitch-up-the-jugular vein healing took place quickly: within the first six months.  But I think some of the healing takes place over time, bubbling with purpose under the surfaces of date nights, family dinners and pillow talk.

So be patient.  Keep moving forward, even if it’s slow.

Nothing can take the place of good solid marital counseling (which, in my opinion, can be helpful for ANY couple), but in the absence or in supplement to that, here are some books and websites that are helpful.  Some of them I’ve used myself and some have been recommended.

Books:

• Shannon Etheridge, author of Every Woman’s Battle.  I read this book in the first month of my healing and it helped immensely.  You can buy it here.
• Intimacy Ignited, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.  This was integral for me in discovering (for the first time!) real intimacy with my husband.  It is a book for married couples that outlines God’s design for sex outlined by the Song of Solomon.
• The Love Dare, by Alex and Stephen Kendrick.  I read this much later, but it is very helpful.  It is a book designed to take couples on a 40 day journey of mending and melting hearts that have been separated by hurt and bitterness in marriage.
• Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence and Sacred Marriage.  These were given to me recently by my mentor and I am working through the first one.  They are insightful when it comes to the spiritual roles women play in the lives of their husbands.
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think someone got this for us for our wedding 13 years ago and I read it once back then.  I need to read it again. If you haven’t read this book before, pick it up.  It is eye-opening.  And by the way, I am quality time and receiving gifts. My husband is physical touch.  Knowing that helps a lot.

Websites:

• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.  Books, conferences and an interactive website.
• Gary Smalley, author of many books on marriage.  His website features books, articles and information on hot topics.
• A Chord of Three Strands.  Preparatory conferences for young engaged and married couples.
• Covenant Eyes.  Blog and web accountability software that monitors internet use and reports to people you select.
• Weekend to Remember by Familylife.com. We attended one of these conferences in our first year of healing.  Exceptional.  They hold retreats and conferences designed to help grow your marriage.  Also this website is a wealth of information regarding healthy marriages.
• XXX Church.  An online community devoted to bring awareness, openness and accountability to those affected by pornography.

These are only a few of the resources available for hurting and healing couples and I know I’m leaving out hundreds of amazing books and websites.

What about you?  Is there anything that has helped you that I’ve left out?  Or what are your thoughts on healing?

I’ve been split wide open since last week.

Your stories, your words, even your anger. It has raked me and split me.  I am different than I was at the beginning of last week.

I’ve been changed by the hurt I hadn’t expected to learn about and by the stories of betrayal and deception. I’ve also been changed by your stories of life change and restoration.

My heart has been split in two by

your forgiveness

your acceptance

your understanding

your ministry to others who are hurting.

I completely underestimated how much this, how much you, would change me.

But you have to understand how scared I was. I was terrified for weeks and even the day before wondered if I should really do this.  Yet, over and over again in the comments you say the words:  Bravery. Courage. Boldness. And I’ve been convinced I made the right choice.

But I’m not brave. I’m not bold! I was (and still am) absolutely frightened. And if I am at all courageous, it’s because I just showed up and wrote what I needed to write.

So can courage and fear exist in the same place?

I still don’t know…