I’m famous for browsing without purchasing: picking up items from a store, walking around with them for the duration of my arc around the displays and then replacing each item one by one before I leave. I put down the spatula I don’t need, the pan I can’t afford and the candle that is on clearance but not the right color.

I talk myself out of it.

Maybe it’s a good thing when it comes to buying (or not buying) things from Williams Sonoma.

But sometimes I talk myself out of doing things I need to. Because right now I’m sitting in Starbucks and just hit “send” on an email that I didn’t want to send.

I needed to address something that had happened that had hurt me. And I didn’t really make a big deal.  I just sent a simple email that explained my hurt (not anger), and my confusion (not bitterness).  If the person had been in my circle of immediate reach I would have asked them to have coffee.

But, being impossible to talk in person, I sent an email (one step above a text and two steps below a phone call).  I hate the emotional distance that the written word (vs. the spoken word) can carry.  My currency is the written word so I did the best I could.

I wrote from where I was.

Hurt, but not angry.

Confused but not bitter.

I even sent it to my husband for him to edit.  And then I looked it over once again. I clicked send quickly before I could talk myself out of it.

But I did it.

It wasn’t about getting an apology or an explanation, or even about me feeling resolved.  It was something that needed to be done and I was avoiding it.  I jumped into it, I didn’t talk myself out of it and I did the hard thing.  Because it would have been easy to let this roll into Internet oblivion and never address it.

[note that I often do NOT do the hard thing: I avoid doing the dishes and cleaning the playroom on a regular basis]

The side effects?  I do feel a lot better.  I got a very nice and apologetic email from the person. And I conquered a few mini fears: the someone-getting-mad-at-me fear and the what-will-this-person-think fear.

It was one little step on the road to began a habit of forcing myself to do a hard thing.

Maybe I should stop off on the way home and buy a spatula.

What are you talking yourself out of doing that you KNOW you need to do?

Healing takes time.

I’m currently seeing a chiropractor for this crazy neck thing that I have.  He keeps saying that I have an old injury in my shoulder/neck that is causing me this pain almost 15 years later.  I thought and thought and I remembered that I had injured myself skiing when I was about 20.  Incidentally, that was the first and last time I skiied.

But the remnants of that shoulder injury are still here giving me the range of motion of a 90-year-old woman.  It might take a long time to be free from it.

Healing from my affair took time also.  In some respects, much of the triage, stitch-up-the-jugular vein healing took place quickly: within the first six months.  But I think some of the healing takes place over time, bubbling with purpose under the surfaces of date nights, family dinners and pillow talk.

So be patient.  Keep moving forward, even if it’s slow.

Nothing can take the place of good solid marital counseling (which, in my opinion, can be helpful for ANY couple), but in the absence or in supplement to that, here are some books and websites that are helpful.  Some of them I’ve used myself and some have been recommended.

Books:

• Shannon Etheridge, author of Every Woman’s Battle.  I read this book in the first month of my healing and it helped immensely.  You can buy it here.
• Intimacy Ignited, by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.  This was integral for me in discovering (for the first time!) real intimacy with my husband.  It is a book for married couples that outlines God’s design for sex outlined by the Song of Solomon.
• The Love Dare, by Alex and Stephen Kendrick.  I read this much later, but it is very helpful.  It is a book designed to take couples on a 40 day journey of mending and melting hearts that have been separated by hurt and bitterness in marriage.
• Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Influence and Sacred Marriage.  These were given to me recently by my mentor and I am working through the first one.  They are insightful when it comes to the spiritual roles women play in the lives of their husbands.
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I think someone got this for us for our wedding 13 years ago and I read it once back then.  I need to read it again. If you haven’t read this book before, pick it up.  It is eye-opening.  And by the way, I am quality time and receiving gifts. My husband is physical touch.  Knowing that helps a lot.

Websites:

• Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.  Books, conferences and an interactive website.
• Gary Smalley, author of many books on marriage.  His website features books, articles and information on hot topics.
• A Chord of Three Strands.  Preparatory conferences for young engaged and married couples.
• Covenant Eyes.  Blog and web accountability software that monitors internet use and reports to people you select.
• Weekend to Remember by Familylife.com. We attended one of these conferences in our first year of healing.  Exceptional.  They hold retreats and conferences designed to help grow your marriage.  Also this website is a wealth of information regarding healthy marriages.
• XXX Church.  An online community devoted to bring awareness, openness and accountability to those affected by pornography.

These are only a few of the resources available for hurting and healing couples and I know I’m leaving out hundreds of amazing books and websites.

What about you?  Is there anything that has helped you that I’ve left out?  Or what are your thoughts on healing?